Hello everyone,
Just want to get some thoughts on my situation. I got to 41yo before I realised I had ADHD. This has since been independently verified, first by a psychologist and later by a specialist psychiatrist. At first I was really happy to have an understanding of why I am like I am. Later on, once I'd read hundreds of research papers and studies on the subject, (reading stuff Im interested in is definately not a problem I have) I was completely horrified to realise that a condition I didn't even believe in a year ago has coloured my entire life. Personality, Health, relationships, education, everything.
Now one of my children is being investigated for early learning issues and I see much of myself in her. My marriage is currently best described as "on the rocks" and after 7 years of relative calm, I'm having some issues with work colleagues now too. In the later case finding out why I am like I am seems to have caused more problems than it solved. Staff think I'm now playing on it to get away with stuff... I point out that my behavior has not changed in 7 years and stuff that I am bad at or regularly forget to do now, is stuff I was bad at or regularly forgetting 7 years ago. The only difference is that now we know why. Apparently Logic has no place in the discussion. Shame really because it's the only weapon I have to work with. I am unable to compete with meanness or vindictive behavior because I simply don't understand it or why people do it. I offend people by saying the wrong stuff all the time. In my case though no malice is intended, I've just blurted something inappropriate out before the sensor kicked in. Most of the time its ok because what I've said is funny. Occasionally it's got me into trouble though. Anyway, enough about work.
First I guess some history is in order.
I've been pretty weird my whole life. Kids thought so for my whole childhood, adults think so now. So does my wife, so do my colleagues at work. Luckily for me, I have some talents to offset my many flaws, I am better at solving computer/server/network related problems than any of my university educated colleagues. (I'm totally self taught) If nobody else can solve something, they give it to me and I do. I've also been able to understand just about any electrical or mechanical system instinctively.. something I've been able to do since I was youngish.
However, names like carecredit, creditline, readycredit all sound the same and completely interchangeable to me.. I just can't get them straight in my head so I often pay them in the wrong order or late.. the funny thing is that if I'm due to pay 100 dollars, I pay 200 or more, so it may be late, but it's double what they asked for.. interestingly they don't care.. within days I'll get a phone call telling me I'm over due again. I point out that in the past 12 months I've paid double the minimum payments.. but it invariably makes no difference to anyone. "It doesn't work that way". The irony is that none of the cards are mine, so my absent mindedness is costing my wife her credit rating. Since I'm paying off debt that isn't mine, she can hardly complain though right? (wrong, but I'm getting to that, hold your horses!)
Anyway, I also have no concept of the passage of time, I have almost no functional short term memory, I can read a 1500 page book in a night If it fascinates me, but can't manage 5 pages of something boring even if I really really need to know it. I can also program for 7 hours straight if I'm in the groove, but have no way of knowing if I'll be in the groove or making it happen if I'm not. (frustrating to say the least)
I also flare up and get angry easily. Particularly righteous anger if I feel someone is judging me unfairly. I've also had 86 speeding tickets (was 85 last night.) though I've had only one crash and that was unavoidable as someone ran a stop sign and T-boned me. My wife has a talent for putting me in situations where no matter what I do, I'm wrong, and that is almost guaranteed to make me angry. If I get angry, I usually don't sleep for a day or two as I can't shut my brain up and it has endless loud angry conversations to the person I'm mad at in the corridors of my mind. Often I try to read a fun novel to distract my mind long enough to fall asleep. Doesn't always work sometimes and if I don't sleep my symptoms get worse and worst. I had a really bad 2 day long anxiety episode recently because of stuff that happened at work, and now I'm on tranks and anti-depressants too. I am well over 6 foot tall and I weigh about 100kg and and I'm much stronger than I look. I occasionally worry about what I might do if someone really pushes the wrong levers or grabs me in any way when I'm that anxious.. though I've never done anything violent to anyone since I was a teenager. still freaks me out sometimes though as I've never had this much stress in my life and it's amplified all my moods.
I can't go to sleep early at the best of times and It's always been harder for me to get up when everyone else does in the morning. I also can't predict or understand if my emotional reaction is normal or not. Sometimes I don't react to things that make everyone else emotional, but more likely I get emotional and can't understand why everyone else doesn't. (for that matter I sometimes can't understand why I get emotional either, it can be an image or a tone of voice that triggers an emotional reaction.. really quiet odd.) hmmm, what else, oh, if I don't blurt out what I've been wanting to say and wait my turn to speak, I've almost always have forgotten what it was I was going to say by the time it's my turn. Occasionally I'll trail off half way though a sentence as if my brain has moved on and I've forgotten I was talking. Occasionally I'll resume the same sentence later without realising that 30 minutes has passed for the other person. Loads of people think several of these traits are cute and endearing.. eventually the novelty for them wears off though.
Are these the same sorts of experiences other ADHD adults can relate to?
Anyway enough history and reminiscing. Onto the marriage bit.. (I own The ADHD Effect on Marriage and I'm working my way though it slowly. Though it is full of wisdom it isn't trigging my hyperfocus like novels and stuff do so I have to plod though it.)
Been with my wife for roughly 17 years. Been married for 7 of them. We stopped being intimate at all about 7 months ago. Basically she is the sort of person who ignores and pushes though her issues, for example when she was a dancer she got up and danced with a broken collarbone and a cracked spine from an accident because in her world you shut up and deal and get the job done. Since she has this belief that if you can't push though your problems and get on with it, you are just not trying hard enough or you are weak and not worthy of respect. The irony is that she has "issues" of a serious nature, (seriously emotionally and sexually repressed unless drunk when she goes the exact opposite way, very controlling and critical of people she isn't that keen on (me and some other members of her family usually), but her tactic is to deny, ignore and have no respect for anyone that can't do the same. She will show no weakness unless drunk, at which point it all comes out, but she will remember nothing the next day. incredibly frustrating for me that we have a wonderful time or solve some issue between us and the next morning it's like it never happened and we are back where we started. (I didn't know she was drinking much for a long time after we met as I'm not all that observant most of the time. She doesn't' drink much at all now that we have kids so now I only see the hard nosed, controlling, critical woman and not the one I fell in love with that is buried in there somewhere.
I've lost much of my respect for her because she uses the drive and determination I used to love about her as a weapon against people, often it is directed against me. She is extremely critical of everything I do in the house, I've I hang up a towel I get told I didn't put the right side out, if I put something where I got it from, that isn't' good enough cos I should have known where it was supposed to go, not where it was. etc etc.
She can't let go of the many hurts I've caused her over the years (for example, If I am hyperfocusing on a good book, I literally can't put it down and will get angry of someone tries to make me... that happened the day after our wedding.. she's still angry at me about that to this day. ) Also we stopped talking like a couple and now our conversation is almost universally about the children or daily life. Also I have gotten defensive and upset many times about something real or imagined and flared up.. I know why now, but before that I didn't know I couldn't trust my emotional reactions she wears her pain like a fur stole and although she says she has let it go, you can clearly tell she has not.
We have several children under 12 and life is busy busy busy.. and I've had a referral to an ADD experienced counselor in my bag for over a month now... I don't know if it's worth following up on, because although she has said she will try it, she is going into this thinking that I am the only one with issues that require fixing. The truth is that I don't really want to be with this hard as nails wife, I want the old one back that was passionate about life, funny, cuddly, hot and affectionate, and if I can't find her, I'd rather find someone else like her. But I have children one of whom has problems like mine and I don't want her to have the crap child and teen years that I did. I also can't leave my children with my wife without me there to counteract her hard "to business" personality.. I don't want them to turn out like her simply because they will not be any happier than she ever has been if they do become like her. She is a smart beautiful, resourceful and determined woman, but she never admits to her own flaws as they are an indication of weakness and as a result I can't see anyway out. (she is a stay at home mum since we started having kids presently so we can't really afford to separate without her getting a job again too. That isn't an option though as I don't want to be away from my children. So you can imagine the level of anxiety in my life as I am living one of those unsolvable problems where I'm wrong no mater what I do that I mentioned above.
I guess what I am asking, is.. does anyone recognise my wife's issue? Is it something that can be dealt with? I am now on lots of meds (concerta, adderol, ritalin etc) to improve my situation in order to help married life, but if she isn't meeting me half way, there is no point anymore. is there?
God I hope this is totally anonymous or I am one dead monkey. :-)
Thoughts are welcome and encouraged.
cheers
Harry.
are you my husband???
Submitted by julie jay on
Hi Harry, that is a redundant question, of course you're not :o) it was to let you know that NO, your experience is not unusual whatsoever, and the more you read on here, the more you'll read your own life story on here. Every single word of your post could be written by my husband, except he was in sales for 25 years, not computers and he is about 10 years older than you are. He has told me stories about being "rejected" by his peers in childhood/early puberty which kinda pushed him into hanging with the "wrong" crowd and started self-medicating at the age of 15, was in 4 different high schools before finally graduating (two were alternative/strict private schools), etc etc.
When reading your post, my heart literally broke for you...I could imagine my sweet wonderful good-hearted husband writing the same words....but, like you, when he feels "slighted" or "judged", oh my goodness, Katie bar the door and go hide, he can let it out....but, i also have mild adult ADD, so I let it all hang out, too, when we get mad at each other...BUT, once we blurt everything out, it's over and we're sorry and it really is ok, that's what we're used to and how we "know" each other...if that makes sense.
Now about your wife...being a wife myself married to ADHD....just remember that both of your brains are different. To an ADHD person (anybody please correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm about 99.9% positive), anything (task, project, work, anything) that is unpleasurable to you, you can not begin to process how to complete the [whatever] because you can't get over your being displeased...e.g. - my husband offered to go help me paint a condo i owned that i was trying to sell...there was nothing in the place, just walls, carpet and that was it, no radio, tv, no noise, nothing....after about 3 hours (the WHOLE place needed painting), he was climbing the ceiling to leave and get out of there (it was 2 1/2 hrs from where we lived) bc the simple task of painting kept him entertained for that long, he got bored, became displeased and that was it, that simple, he was ready to go back home...well, we fought for the next several hours while i still painted, and he sat and pouted and i told him i was not leaving until it was done....that's another thing that resonated about your post...i'm the driver in the relationship, the go-getter, the "ball-buster", to use my dad's term for me, and i probably would dance with broken bones, too, if i had worked my tail off to be in the program and know no one else would do it "right"....but, in mine and my husband's relationship, he DOES like that about me, regardless of the friction it causes, and he will admit, our stuff gets done. if you read more and more posts from the wives on here, you'll see that dynamic over and over and over...that's what attracts y'all to us...you like that in us. i've taken over paying all the bills so they get paid on time, to protect both his credit and mine, and i've taken one too many cold showers from not having hot water from the gas bill not getting paid, and even gone without a shower to work from having no water from the bill not being paid...no. that does not work in real life. Lucky for us, we don't have children together (he has a 12 yo daughter who primarily lives with her mother), so i can manage my affairs and his...which brings me to the next point....you said in your post that you have "several" children together....PLEASE try to see things from your wife's view, and this sounds very harsh, but you, to her, are just another one of her children that she has to "manage"...that probably explains her "hardness", if you will, towards you, because truthfully, she has a lot on her plate and is probably stressed to the max. I'm not making excuses for anyone being mean on purpose, or anything like that, because i truly am probably the world's worst about wanting to cut you with words, but keep "plodding" through the book and you'll see, and you'll learn how to reassure her and ease her mind, and i'll bet a dollar against a donut, you'll see her change once she realizes, hey, this bloke really does love me and really is trying.
I've written waaay too much, but I just wanted to encourage you to hang in there, especially with your wife, that's most important, because jobs come and go, she's your life partner and importantly the mother of your children....tell her you are really trying, and with the help you are getting, you'll do better, and get better, which you will, because you WANT to (it sounds like)...thousands of people with ADHD live and function every day with minimal "problems" (depends on your definition of problem) and get along with their spouse, get their work done, the bills paid on time, etc, etc....e.g., my husband and I, and the Dr's that started this website. You'll still have bumps in the road, but at least they won't throw you off the horse and into the ditch to die. :o)
hope this helps, much luck,
julie jay
Kudos to both of you
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
Hi MeZmeriZe and julie jay,
First of all, I really appreciate your frankness MeZmeriZe, in coming out and talking about your ADHD symptoms, and the kinds of challenges they bring to your life. I hope the readers of all of these postings read what you have written, as it describes so well the experience of the ADHDer. I think it could help many to "hear" your perspective. And I hear that your marriage is not without its difficulties. I think what julie jay says has some real merit in that your wife must have her hands full, and therefore has toughened up as a way of coping with a high volume of stress. I am both ADHD, and am also considered the non-ADHD partner in my marriage. In an ADHD-impacted marriage, both partners need to persevere at being accepting, understanding and forgiving. I hope Melissa's book gives you insight and hope.
Hi Julie,
Submitted by MeZmeriZe on
Hi Julie & Nancie,
Thank you both for your insight. I think my symptoms are different to your husbands Julie, I do lots of stuff I don't like. I'll have loads of trouble if it's complicated and needs me to remember lots of stuff as well as being something I hate.. but I would not and have not had any issues painting houses or stuff like that. I usually find a way to make it more interesting like play songs on my phone or whatever and just get it done. I will however probably start late, not be particulary good at it and be grumpy from the effort it takes to force myself. I can't learn stuff very well or at all if it doesn't inspire interest in me.. Even if I really want a qualification or a certificate, it doesn't help me learn something my brain just doesn't find interesting enough for my focus to engage and for my memory to bother recording. Not a damn thing I can do about it.
I love my wifes drive and determination, I just wish she didn't use it as a weapon against people. One day she is going to be struck by something mental or whatever that she can't push past and I'm going to have fight the urge to jump up and down, yell "I told you so" and make references to Karma being a female dog. I don't like my wife repressing the half of her personality that is warm and passionate and joyful.. but I'm at a loss for how to change that. I meant to ask my psychiatrist last week if that was a thing but I forgot. (big surprise)
As for me being another child, please have a read what I wrote in response to Sueann.. I have not always been engaged and busy as I am now, but since we've had kids I sure have, and I am trying.
She knows I have ADD, she knows it's real... but knowing something intellectually is not the same as knowing it emotionally. She can't accept that the vast majority of the times I've caused her pain were caused by my condition, (not showing up to dates, or showing up late, or forgetting stuff, or flaring up when critised etc.) She hasn't let any of that stuff go, and knowing I have a condition that accounts for it hasn't made much difference. It isn't intellectual knowing, it's an emotional thing I think. Don't know what to do about it though.. she represses her emotions.. the good, happy, loving ones anyway..
Plus she had a Mirena in for about 3 years and that is the most evil god awful device known to man. (or woman) all the bad stuff began after that went in.. and non of it came back after it came out.. though she is less angry than she was.. I found a million other cases about people having the same issues so after 2 years of my continious nagging her, she got it out. (as I said, she is a stubborn woman and even though I presented her with the list of the manufactures side effects from their own website (which her perscribing doctor had not read) and printouts of hundreds of women who just stopped feeling anything at all while using it.. In the end she only got it out to shut me up. Since That was all I wanted I didn't' care why she did it. Lots of people said it took over a year for the effects to wear off, so I have some hope, but some people said they never got back to the way they were before the Mirena, so she might never either. Since I think the Mirena just brought to the surface stuff that was there anyway and made them worse, I'm not sure what will happen.
HOLY COW, THE MIRENA!!!
Submitted by julie jay on
I am so sorry I have been out of pocket and just now catching up on this thread...I just totally stopped in my tracks and did not bother reading further when I read that your wife got the Mirena...BEG her to get that thing out NOW. I just went through all of this myself, last year, coincidentally after having it for 3 years as well (was fine until the 3 year mark of having it). Yes, that thing IS evil and I truly regret ever having it, it's been over a year now post-removal and i'm still not "straightened out"...and, this explains almost everything about your wife's behavior. Google "Mirena Rage"...my poor husband experienced it first hand, not that i'm at all proud of that :o((( and, the night that i REALLY lost it on him, it was really over nothing, because he grabbed my arm (not rough, as in to hurt me, just to get my attention) and i really lost touch with reality for about 15 minutes....the episode (my violence) scared me so bad, that's when i KNEW something was WRONG and started googling about the Mirena and its side effects. You must beg her to get that thing out now if y'all are to stay together (IMO).
ADD: sorry, I just finished reading the rest of the post to see that she DID get it out...I have mild adult ADD, too ;o)
Merina
Submitted by MeZmeriZe on
Hi Julie,
yes, she did get it out eventually. but she is mostly asexual now, I've noticed that her femininity seems more of an annoyance to her now than something she took comfort from.
Don't know if that will ever change... from what I read online, with some women it stays that way indefinitely after removal. time will tell I guess.
She lost about 10kg after getting it out and it took the edge off her exhaustion and rage, but she attributes that to her dance class and I've stopped trying to tell her anything as she always assumes she knows better. Annoying considering in my job I'm the guy that people go to, to diagnose and fix problems when nobody else can... (IT in my case, but the steps are the same) I'm the one that realised I had ADHD (verified independently twice now).. but she always still assumes she knows better, and gets annoyed when I prove she is wrong about something. annoying.. but people are what they are I guess. I'm just happy that she got it out just to shut me up... my daughters have to live with her and having two parents with unstable emotional situations would not be great.
Speed camera again
Submitted by MeZmeriZe on
Got flashed by another speed camera this morning.... 66kph in a 60 kph zone.... seriously? I think I'm at 87 now. :-(
MeZmeriZe, I'm just like your wife
Submitted by Sueann on
Actually, I'm quite a bit older but we have a lot of character similarities. I went back to work when my daughter was 4 days old (yes, I gave birth to her naturally.) because her father had suffered a serious injury when I was 8 months pregnant. So I am taking care of a breastfeeding newborn, a 3 year old and a 300 pound man who can't walk, while working from home. I was taught from an early age not to give in to myself, not to skip school/work when I was sick, etc., and never to let anyone suffer because I made a mistake. Being responsible was, and is, the guiding star of my life.
So I dumped that husband eventually and years later married Mr. ADD. I love him to death, but he lost his job after 6 weeks of marriage. I found myself working 2 jobs and selling my most prized possessions to keep us afloat. He did nothing, not even housework. And then while I watched my loom and all my antiques go out the door, he was upset at me for being angry.
So how do I get to be the fun, cuddly, laid back person if the whole weight of our family falls on me? If I make a mistake at work and get fired, we're out on the street. I can't relax, can't do anything fun because I have to work ALL THE TIME to counteract the fact that he doesn't. I don't want to be like that. I'd have loved to have had a husband who supported me, who helped run our household, who kept the floors clear so I wouldn't fall. (I'm handicapped.) But that's not who I married.
Unlike a lot of ladies on this site, I gave up and cut him loose. It was easier than for you and your wife because we didn't have kids together. Now he lives in a house with dog poop on the floor and weeds growing in the roof. I am sad for him but I can not change him. I'm working 2 jobs (one of which he got fired from for acting like a person with ADD).
Do you ever think how many details there are in running a household with several children? I assume you work and come home and expect clean, fed children and a clean house. You work 5 days a week, presumably, and she is "on" all 7 days of the week. If she's not hard and organized and task-focused, how does anything get done? Maybe you're not like that, but since you've described that you can't pay bills, I'm guessing you are.
So don't blame her for being angry. If you find solutions to the problems your ADD causes her, she'll probably soften toward you. Even if she doesn't, you'll be a better person.
not quite.
Submitted by MeZmeriZe on
First of all, I am the money earner.. she is the full time mum by her choice, I was happy to have that reversed. (in fact I'm pretty flexible about every aspect of my life and generally go along with whatever easiest) I've held this job for 7 years and the last job several years to before I quit to find this one. (never been fired) If a child cries in the at 2am or 3am etc, it's me that goes and deals with it. (so she can get solid sleep) I get up in the morning and work with my LD child for 25 minutes of therapy before school, I often help with the morning routine for school (for example this morning I fed, dressed, teeth, and did therapy all by myself) and it's me that buckles the girls into the car before mum comes out and drives them off to school. Then I get ready for work. Every second weekend it's me that takes the girls to Choir practice and Circus school etc, every Tuesday afternoon I take off work to take my middle child to PT sessions. I don't do much housework that is true, but my wife is crazy particular at how everything has to be done so my efforts get redone anyway. but I help where I am permitted to do so. I'm also in charge of the nightly routine, bathing if I'm home, dressing, teeth, story time, tucking in and tucking them in again 3 times over the course of the night. The weekend before last, the pipes on the outside of the house burst and we had no water.. so I replaced them and got it all sorted for practically no cost and did a much better job than the person that did them before me. I fixed them in record time before driving my family to a big family gathering. When a tree fell on the house, I got out the chainsaw and chopped it up, then fixed the leak and water damage.. no cost to us and fixed the same day. I don't do many of the same things that she does, but I do a heck of a lot other stuff.
I also tune her car and my own car, I repair/replace anything that needs it on both cars, (put reverse sensors on hers last month too, and I built her previous car from a shell last time and it was perfect for ages till it got too small for our family) to save money and I mow our truly massive back yard and the front yard (our block is two street numbers).. In fact I built a big child wonderland out the back complete with big completely homemade cubby house, giant trampoline, huge shade area, swing sets etc etc.. all either built by me, or sourced, assembled and maintained by me, other peoples kids come to our place all the time to play because of all that. I also empty bins and recycling, help with hanging clothes when I can (though I'm told I do that wrong too) I also offered to get someone in to help with the washing or ironing or cooking or whatever, but they won't do it exactly like she wants either so it wouldn't' make her life easier either she tells me.
If I get home, and there is no dinner, I will make myself some cereal or a sandwich and say nothing, it doesn't bother me at all to do so. If she hasn't ironed my work shirt (something she herself insists on doing, because apparently it's something a house mum should do.) I do it myself (or wear a wrinkly shirt) and say nothing, it doesn't bother me either. My problem it seems, is that I always just deal and say nothing.. apparently by not complaining when it isn't done, I am somehow devaluing what she does for me normally. I only learned that bit of wisdom last week. So I've been wingeing ever since then and it actually does seems to help a bit. That's the craziest thing I've ever heard, but even she admitted it's true when I asked her. I never complain because I don't want to be a fuss or something else she has to worry about.. so I deal. Plus it doesn't really bother me to fend for myself.. But that doesn't mean I don't value her efforts... seriously... craziest thing I've ever heard but it really works.
Also, I come home early on Thursdays so she can go to her painting class by herself, and when she wanted to start some toddler and child dance classes, I set her up with everything she needed and encouraged her, printed out all manner of advertising stuff and told everyone I knew about it to spread the word.
I don't think I fall into the same category of either of your husbands.
Also, my wife has always had a coldness about her, and has always been fairly repressed, that wasn't something that showed up when I did. It was hidden better before, both by alcohol and her being smitten back then.. but it was there and people who've known her for much longer than I will testify to that. Whatever caused that for her happened long before I met her, but it all started to get pare shaped when the kids came along (she stopped drinking and got really really busy). I arranged for us to have a night of the week where we came first and that worked great for a while, but she eventually killed it saying it was "too much pressure" so now we are two strangers living in a house with children. I don't want them growing up thinking that what we have in our marriage is what they should look for in theirs. (after years of being terrified that I'd marry someone with a similar personality as my mother, I appear to have done it anyway.)
Don't get me wrong, I am not without a huge list of flaws myself.. my giant shed is a nightmare mess that not even the cat will venture into.. my home office is not much better. I can't seem to find time to do any of the million things that I need to get done because I only get two days a week to do them and that time is spent driving kids around, mowing lawns, fixing cars, and taking the kids for bike rides or skating or whatever. (so mother gets time off) When the girls have parent teacher night.. I'm there, when they have parent helper, I am there.. awards at school assembly... I'm at the front filming it. I never had to be forced to take the meds, I figured out I had ADD myself, I sought professional assessment myself, I arranged the meds myself, and the ADD counseling I've had was at my own instigation also. And I've tried to better myself my whole life. When I was scared of heights as a child, I forced myself to jump off a railway bridge 40 foot into the river over and over till I didn't' care anymore. When I was terrified of spiders, I forced myself to crush them with my fist over and over till I wasn't bothered anymore. I have yet to find a way past my germ phobia, but when I do, I'll force myself past that as well. And I'm doing my best to deal with the ADD now that I know I have it. I'm not in the same vicinity as perfect, but nobody can claim I'm not trying to be more than I am.
I'm having trouble reading everything I've just written and understanding how either you or her could think I'm not carrying my own weight in the family. I've recently had to seek help for anxiety attacks recently because I've never had as much stress in my life before. But I keep trying anyway, it is just apparently never good enough.
Almost forgot.. I mentioned that the bills often get paid out of order.. but that all of them had had twice their minimum payments made on them every time. and most of the time I get them done. My wife and I have a new system where she gives me the bill on the day it needs to be paid and I pay it... that way I don't lose it, or get them muddled up. so far so good I guess.
Also, I didn't ask to be the way I am.. I didn't get a choice either. She knew me for 9 years before I proposed (something else she blames me for) and she still married me, so she knew what she was in for right from the start. If she thinks I make her life problematic, how does she think I make my life? You didn't ask to be disabled.. and presumably you expect some consideration when your disability hampers your ability to do something. How is my ADD different? I struggle with things you take for granted every single day.
At this stage in my life I am not sure I'd give up all the cool things I've always just been able to do... just to be normal. I wouldn't know who I was anymore if I couldn't do the stuff I built my whole personality on. but if they ever figured out a way to get ride of the bad stuff and fix my short term memory while not making me into someone else, I'd be the first in line.. no matter how painful it was.
Want some irony? I tried to break up with her a month into the relationship. I told her we were too different and that I'd drive her nuts. She went away and came back a day or two later and talked me out of it. Now the best part of 2 decades later we are too different and I drive her crazy.. she can't claim I didn't warn her. :-)
Wow, I've really written a lot of stuff... I had no idea I was this verbose.
Not sure if husband # 1 is ADD or not
Submitted by Sueann on
Our daughter is, and her son. She lost custody of him because of addiction and not working and other common ADD traits. Don't know where that comes from. Her father and I are both hyper-responsible and have excellent work histories. (He worked hard to recover from his injury and went back to work after 6 months and then graduated from business school with honors while working full-time.)
Anyway, I firmly believe that ADD people marry hyper-responsible non-ADDers so that they will be taken care of. Either by being supported by their spouse, or just having someone else to clean the house and pay the bills. I don't think you do it consciously, you are just attracted to women who will do what you won't. If that isn't true of you, I'm sorry, but this blog is full of wives devastated by their ADD husbands not working, not taking care of their household, hoarding, etc. and I am one of those.
I am relating to your wife, MeZ
Submitted by Standing on
I still say, good for you!
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
MeZmeriZe,
I am still very impressed with all you have shared, and all that you seem to do in support of your wife and your family. It is hard to know, without meeting her, what is the cause behind her coldness. If you say it existed before you, then the only thing that comes to mind is that there is some hurt from her past that she is still harboring, and that there are ways that you are being with each other that bring those feelings and reactions forward. We all come into relationships, whether they are with ADHD partners or not, with our own set of baggage, and our present relationships are the places where we are meant to work those old injuries through. Sometimes we can do so, and come out the better for it. Sometimes we are not capable or are too afraid to do that level of self-reflection, and therefore those places inside never get resolved. If you are the man you have described yourself to be, then it might be that your wife has some older issues that are still troubling her that are going unresolved.
Standing has some sound advice here. It might be valuable to just let your wife know that you are there for her if there is anything she cares to share with you from what she is presently dealing with, or anything that has occurred in her past. Maybe there is something there that she may not even realize is troubling her that with enough time and encouragement, she would find a way to reveal.
You mentioned having the contact information for a professional who has knowledge about ADHD. Connecting with this person certainly couldn't hurt. Sometimes when two people reach an impasse, it can be very valuable to have a third, objective party in the mix.
Whatever you decide to do, I respect all that you have contributed here, and I wish you well.
Nancie
ok...
Submitted by julie jay on
I will try to keep this short as I can...my husband stays just as busy as you do, doing what he deems important or necessary. I work a full time job and he can make his day sound like he runs circles around me....I just can never see any results.
One thing that really stood out about this post, to me...you mentioned your wife *used* to drink...that's me...I used to drink, too, had to quit, I have the allergy, been sober 5 years now (Sept 5th)...and I used to be "a lot of fun" "not so wound up" "not so uptight" "really got your juices flowing" "more laid back" "just chill", etc etc...things I very recently heard about how I am now and how I used to be. But, once my crutch was taken away, so to speak, I still have to deal with my life and cope with it, and do so the best way I can, so I have to do it with the skills I learned way back in my life before I met my husband, too, and guess what??? I didn't ask for the things to happen to me in my childhood and the way I was raised to make me the way I am ("mean ass bitch" called sometimes) just like you didn't ask to be born with the frontal lobe of your brain to be different than other peoples'....it sounds like you really want to change, really LOVE your wife (i think that's important - you read stories on here that make it sound like the marriage was just another "whirlwind hyperfocus high" for the ADHD'er, and could be the case, they get bored and leave their spouse and kids, sad, but you can tell love was never there), I earnestly hope and pray your wife can let her issues go enough to see that you LOVE her....candidly, that's when I decided I can deal with my husband's ADHD and stay with him, in sickness and in health, until death do us part, is when I realized this man really does LOVE me, and I know I'm not perfect and have treated him poorly, and he STILL loves me anyway. I am honest when I say all that takes care of everything else in the world..."all you need is Love" ;o)
I was diagnosed with severe chronic depression and mild adult ADD and was given Pristique and Welbutrin for both. I have not taken any medication in 3 years. I didn't ask for either of those, either, but they affect my personality and my day to day living, but I still deal with it and don't wear a banner or use it as an excuse...for ANYTHING....unfortunatley, sounds like I was raised like your wife..I can hear my mother now: "Life is full of things you don't like to do and don't want to do, but HAVE to do..." Used to drive. me. insane. to hear those words. BUT, now I really have turned into my mother...and, the bills get paid on time, the house gets cleaned, laundry done, work a fulltime job, grocery shop, etc etc etc.
I read my previous posts, and I did jump to a lot of conclusions and just want everyone on this thread to know I am sorry if I sounded judgmental or pretended like I knew some answers (ESPECIALLY YOU, MeZ)...I just try to share my experience, strength and hope to others and hope it helps them. :o)
wow...
Submitted by ellamenno on
Hello MeZmeriZe!
Ellamenno here, ADHD female, married to non-ADD male... Boy, I'm kind of thinking I'M married to the male version of your wife! (He is VERY much a fan of 'Suck it up and deal with it' school). Sometimes, I try to point out that it isn't always better or necessary to suck it up and show the world how tough you are. For example, when he first got to college, he'd forgotten to bring a pillow. Therefore, he slept without at pillow for 4 years. When we started dating I pointed out that many people own pillows, they are not judged as being weak, and pillows are not that expensive.
<<If I get angry, I usually don't sleep for a day or two as I can't shut my brain up and it has endless loud angry conversations to the person I'm mad at in the corridors of my mind.>>
Um. Yeah. Me too.
What I really don't understand though is that your wife WANTS you to complain if she didn't have time to iron a work shirt or cook dinner... That's very odd. How does NOT complaining translate to not appreciating what she does? I'd be amazed if I got through a day when my husband didn't point out something i've done wrong or not as efficiently as he would have done it. I'm just grateful when someone does a task that I then don't have to do. I have never felt the need to scrutinize how the task is done. It's confusing to me...
Ellamenno
thankyou everyone!
Submitted by MeZmeriZe on
hi everyone.
Ellamenno, It surprised me too. I always thought not complaining and just dealing was the way to avoid issues.. but apparently if I don't get upset when she doesn't do something, it means I don't care when she does do it. news to me.. but it does seem to work.. though my criticisms are pretty gentle by comparison, mostly because I'm doing it to make her feel better than out of any need to criticize. That whole thing with the pillow just baffles me though.. surely logic has some place at the table too?
Standing, It is somewhat funny that if am typical ADHD and mostly useless and needy around the house, it's bad.. if I'm self sufficient it's bad too? Do you ladies even have a rule book or are you just making it up as you go along? :-) So now I am pretending to be annoyed when something she does isn't done, just like I always used to make up opinions about stuff I didn't really care about, because she gets annoyed when I don't have an opinion because in her mind not having an opinion means not caring. I've told her that what my version of not having an opinion means (that all the options are acceptable so I will be happy regardless) but she still gets annoyed so now I pick one at random and demand to have that, she seems to be happier when I do that.
I did take your advice regarding sitting beside her for 15 minutes a day and let her talk about what ever she wants.. I already made a point of asking about her painting and dance classes, but this more relaxed stuff might help too.
Sueann, that argument about seeking out controlling types, doesn't really count with me, mostly because she picked me up.. I was happy to just be friends, but she made a point of getting a bit drunk at a party and hitting on me.. I didn't get a clue until she had one of her friends place her on my lap. (I've never been particularly apt at telling when I woman was interested.) I didn't pursue anyone back then, I always just seemed to find myself in relationships. You might say that I didn't start chasing her until way after she caught me. I certainly am a hoarder though. not sure how to get past that one.
It may well still be worth it to try the therapist, but I'm not going to do it unless she is prepared to give it a full effort and not just going though the motions so she can say she did. At the end of the day she has to be willing to try or there just isn't any point.
regards
Harry.
The Rule Book
Submitted by Standing on
MeZmeriZe, Hi again,
Nope, no rule book :) I wish! As a woman, I would like to better understand myself why some things have such a powerful impact on me. Your posts here are helping me to gain that understanding. Thank you,
If you are able to leave room for the mystical, magical world of irrational feelings, maybe I can further explain. Of course, this is only from my perspective, so it may not apply to your wife at all, but I figure there is a reason why I related to her through your post.
So, first of all, I must ask you to consider accepting my premise that feelings do not have to fit into a logic box.in order to have validity. Speaking personally, I do not hold my husband responsible for my feelings, but I do appreciate his awareness of them and any efforts he makes to value and consider them. I think it's cool that you are trying to give your wife feedback that she may appreciate, even though it makes no sense to you.
Anyhow, could be a couple of things going on here. Maybe your wife assigns value to herself, to her personhood, based on the stuff she accomplishes, So - if you don't notice when she does not do something, then it's like cancelling out the value of that thing when she Does do it. (Dizzy yet?) That's kinda how I was, because I was brought up by a critical, controlling parent to judge myself based on my accomplishments, not on who I was as a person. This scenario can become such a deeply engrained life pattern that the person does not even realize how it is controlling her thoughts and feelings.
Also, I went through a phase with my husband which I can only describe as a bit passive-aggressive, where I stopped doing stuff in order to prove my point that he really should appreciate me more. The problem with that is - I was asking him to value something (like keeping a countertop clear) that his ADD did not even notice! In effect, I was asking for the impossible.
That all may be just as clear as mud to you and that's okay. You know what I think may be the very sweetest, kindest thing you could do for your wife? Get her a copy of the Boundaries in Marriage book and write inside the cover something to the effect of : I don't understand, but I am willing to learn and to work on this with you. I bet she has alot to learn, as I do, but that's really difficult to do from inside a vacuum. If she is anything like me, she needs to move from anger, through grief, and into a new way of viewing herself, so that she can then see your marriage in a new light. Best wishes to you both.
I feel like im very much like
Submitted by frustratedwife on
Hi Laurie,
Submitted by MeZmeriZe on
Hi Laurie,
I've had bad moments too where I wasn't doing enough, but that was before we got married and I pulled myself out of that hole. I've been in full time employment for the whole time and I work pretty hard.
My wife is somewhat anti feminist, she thinks women should never have to wash or look after their car, or mow lawns, or rake or any of the stuff I do.. if she thinks I didn't rake well enough, I'm in the dog house if she picks up a rake and "fixes" it.
Honestly, if you are supporting him, and doing all the house work, what is he actually contributing to the relationship? I may have in-attentative ADHD, but I'd not put up with complete freeloading either.
But the question is I think.. is he trying to be better? I think that is the difference between the ones (marriages I mean) that are worth fighting for and the ones that are not. If he isn't even trying and is combative and in denial and you've had no luck changing his outlook on it... then it's probably a lost cause.
I can't imagine trying to deny the issue and refusing to get checked.. I had been looking for why I'm different my whole life.. I'm lucky though, I don't have much of the low self esteem stuff because I'm better at lots of stuff than many of my "normal" peers. maybe that makes me different from normal ADD?
As soon as I suspected that I had it, I went and got tested, then tested again, (both positive) then treated with both therapy and meds.. And I'm trying to not overreact or misjudge intentions etc anymore. I don't know if that means there is hope for me or not.. but if you will excuse the pun, I've gotta hope right?