Forum topic: My husband and I can't seem to get organized

Sat Mar 8th, 2008 - 12:32pm by Sueann

Forum: 
Conflicts Around Household Tasks

I was messy before I married my husband 3 years ago. His house was messy too but he lived with his mother, and never learned how to do housework. He blames my stuff for all the problems. We just moved 3 months ago, and haven't put anything away yet. Vital things have been lost in the mess. His solution seems to be to get rid of all my stuff. This bothers me, as it feels like he's rejecting me. How does he have the right to say I can never read that book, or weave that yarn, or whatever, just because I don't have time to do it right now. (working full-time and going to school)? He knew had this stuff when he married me, and if it bothered him, he should not have. Meanwhile, he does nothing in the house. I work full-time as I said, and he does too but I go to school as well. He works in retail so he's often here in the house alone, but he won't do anything. He says he doesn't work well alone, but if I do it with him, I'm not doing my homework. Also, he can't multi-task (I thought all ADDers did that). When I finally get home at 9 o'clock at night, I'd like to watch TV, but if I put the TV on, he he has to just stare at it. I watch TV and pick up the living room, or wash dishes (there's a tv in our kitchen), or sort laundry and put it in the washer during the commerical. But he always demands that I just sit there with him and cuddle. He won't do it alone, and he won't do it with me if the tv is on. Do I have to give up watching Lost or CSI just do get him to act like he lives here, instead of being a guest? When I complain that I am doing more than my share, he says "No one is making you do it," but if I don't do it, we would have no clean dishes, and we can't afford to eat out all the time.

Comments

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon Nov 24th, 2008 - 8:05pm

I am so glad I found this board. Every subject has had something helpful for me. I married my husband almost 2 years ago after living together for maybe 3 years. We are remodeling our house as we live in it and had roommates off and on to help with expenses. As a result, most of my stuff hasn't really been unpacked. It is my stuff, even if it is in boxes. Slowly, we have been turning this into our house with our things and one day I hope more of my boxed things will be part of our house as there is an opportunity to unpack more. My husband never learned to close a cabinet door behind him or pick up after himself, let alone do routine housework (and look out when he does housework, he's liable to just take a power washer to it). The aftermath of the temper tantrums is tornado like. Despite the construction, roommates, housekeeping habits, and tantrums, my stuff is blamed for all the problems. I completely understand your post. I found this great book on organizing. ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life. You can find a complete review here: http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?id=2283&type=book&cn=3 . My husband has yet to read it. I've read it twice. I am now able to recognize my husband's positive habits in managing our household with his ADD and use the suggestions in the book to make some progress. It is slow. It is working. I also find myself completely helpless in his tantrums, they are often targeted at me. When he is done, I make a list of everything he is upset with. Sometimes I have pages. I look for themes (other than me) and see what the book suggests for dealing with them. If it is money, I'll look for ways to separate our clutter to turn it into cash. It helps us get organized, eases his angst, and gives me something to contribute where I otherwise feel I can't.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed Mar 25th, 2009 - 6:57pm

I married my childhood sweetheart. We met in 1st grade and have been married for 35 years. He has the Midas touch when it comes to building, repairing and fixing anything but his theory is if he did the project, cleaning up afterwards is my job. I have told him many times, that just because he is busy, does not mean that I am LESS busy. We both work full time and have a very busy household. He has "staging" areas all over the house which are about 3 feet from where the item actually belongs. Why he can't just put it away is beyond me. We are truly opposites about almost everything and we have a hilarious time making fun of eachother's interests. Thank God we both have a good easy going nature and a sense of humor. If we didn't , I would have punched him in the nose by now. By the way - I made absolutely sure that there are as few flat spaces as possible around the house (shelves, ledges, foyer tables, etc), otherwise every flat surface would have his junk on it. Keep smiling, life is short and I sure would miss him - and his junk - if he suddenly were gone.