Forum topic: My Story

Wed Jan 21st, 2009 - 9:47pm by topekoms

Forum: 
Women with ADHD

I didnt really realize I had ADHD until recently (Im 25 now)..... let me take that back.... people have always commented on my need to 'play' with things - say things at the wrong time - fidget - lose focus, etc.... I always thought ADHD was for children, and as a teen and adult - it didn't seem like it was possible. I made a lot of bad impulse decisions ever since I was very little, took a lot of risks, and have always been known to run my mouth and speak without really thinking - and they just got worse as I got older. However, unlike a lot of what I have been reading -I was a good student in school... I always made As and Bs... but nothing ever really interested me (I was never one to know what I wanted to be when I grew up - haha.. I still don't) - and I was generally known to not do the reading and still do well on pretty much anything. When I got to college - I didn't want to be there - and again, did as little as possible and still did quite well. I struggled to get through community college because I never wanted to go to class - and only recently have I begun to take classes online to complete my bachelors, only because I can start courses when I want to and complete them when I want - I never have to actually go to class, which means I dont have to sit for three hours... All this never really bothered me (besides little comments here and there) until I started a job where I sit for eight hours a day.. people notice - they comment on how I can't sit still. I doodle during meetings and get up and walk around multiple times a day. I get comments almost daily about ADHD and my behavior - to a point, it depresses me only because Im not trying to be annoying - or lose focus - or say something inappropriate, it just happens... I try to sit still, and I go insane.. My position is beginning to bore me - and I've held it longer than anything before....

Thats just work.... Im in a relationship too.... My first 'real' relationship at that... before him, I participated in a lot of casual, impulse sex.... No one mattered to me.... Its been 5yrs now - we're engaged... I get bored a lot and question the relationship - but I push myself to realize that its not really him - its just me getting bored. I made a bad decision a few months ago and cheated on him - and Im kinda worried that it might happen again (I know right from wrong - but was never put in a situation like that before and not sure I can make the right choice if the temptation comes again - even though I know that its something I can never do again..) - Im not sure my finance really.... believes the severity of ADHD and what it can do to a person... He knows I have characteristics, but part of me thinks that he thinks it should be something I can just turn on and off (that if Im getting in trouble at work for walking around, then I just need to stay seated).... Ive mentioned taking meds - more for myself - for my work performance, and for him - but he is against prescriptions.... I found something called Attend (if anyone knows anything about it - please let me know) that he is more interested in (its all natural) - I know, this is my decision, not his - but I need his support in the long run... oh... he is an advocate for marijuana usage, and although I do partake - and I do feel more relaxed and able to sit still - I really think its just a coverup.. plus I cant smoke at work =) (he feels thats really all I need)..

Theres a lot on this site for men - and its the women that are suffering..... but I know the chances of a successful relationship are slim... Ive found a lot of useful info through here... but Im worried that it will be me to screw up (not only in my relationship - but at work too).... just felt the need to give another side of the story - and any suggestions / advice are greatly appreciated.

Comments

Submitted by Steph on Thu Jan 22nd, 2009 - 9:01am

WOW!  Your fiance says no to prescription medications for ADD that will improve the quality of your life globally, but advocates for the use of illegal drugs???   YOU need to think about your own health here.  Personally I do not even take  a Tylenol unless my headache is so severe that I have no alternative, yet, Ritalin has helped my husband (when he takes it) across the board in his life...school, work, relationships with colleagues etc.   I do believe it is a beneficial  medication.  DO think long and hard about what YOUR needs are and then make that decision on your own  whether or not to medicate for ADD.  Its my opinion based on what you wrote that your fiance doesn't have your best interests at heart.  

Good luck!

 

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Fri Jan 30th, 2009 - 1:39pm

I agree with the other poster's comment about your fiance's opposition to your taking medication under the care of a physician while indulging you both in illegal drugs...this should be a warning flag.

Actually, I see a lot of undercurrents to your post that I think you should consider as possible warning flags.  First, you sound as if you are in the wrong job.  If you have trouble sitting so much,  then get a job in which you don't have to!  You are young - the world is open to any change you might like to make...  Do you like to exercise?  Would working at a health club help?  How about the floor of a shop, where you can walk around a lot?  Training animals?  Being a photographer?  The world is FULL of jobs that don't require spending 8 hours a day in a chair...you would do yourself a favor to see if you can find one that you might love, rather than chain yourself to something that is basically "tolerable" and that's it.

Second, you and your fiance seem to have some issues that should be worked out here BEFORE you tie the knot.  These include:

  • an agreement about who controls whose body.  Each of you should be "allowed" by the other to be in control of your own body.  It's not a good sign that he thinks that he has a say in this (it's a short step to controlling what you do with your life, how you behave, whether or not you should be doing certain chores...)  Really, this is just an issue of basic respect for your partner and his/her choices
  • improving your communication.  Stuff is clearly bothering you, yet the two of you haven't figured out how to talk about it effectively.  Trust me on this - if you can't communicate in the throws of your engagement when everything is great, you are really going to have trouble when times are tough and you are linked by marriage.  You need to open up the channels of communication and set some good patterns now. 
  • your fiance's lack of "belief" in ADD.  Your fiance needs an education about ADD before he gets married.  It is real, and his life is going to be affected by it just as much as your life is affected by it (or almost) once you are married.  It's only fair that he have the chance to be "informed" before he ties the knot.  In addition, this will calm some of your fears that "if he really knew me (and my ADD) he might not really like me" if you have any of these fears
  • Impulsivity.  It's in your best interests, if you wish to remain happily married, to treat your ADD.  Your recent cheating is a good example of why, and I'm sure you can think of others.  Take control of the direction of your life (you know you shouldn't cheat...make is so you can resist the impulse to do so) by taking control of your own treatment.  It will also help you hold down various jobs (the comments you are hearing about how you never sit still are not a good sign...again, consider either an employer or career path that gets you into a more compatible career)

You have increased your chances of failure with your choices - you have chosen to stay with a person without insisting that he know about your ADD (and love you in spite of it) and you have chosen a career that makes you sit still for longer than you can.  You have also chosen not to treat your ADD.  Please augment these choices right now, while you are young, so that you don't end up always fearing that you will screw up.  That's a miserable way to spend your days!  Your fiance can help you if you agree that these would be great goals:

  • make sure that your fiance loves ALL of you, including your ADD, and accepts you for who you are (and supports you making your own decisions about your health!)
  • work towards a career that plays to your strengths (be careful here - these are tough times to get a job - a job in which you fidget is better than no job at all...but make sure for the long term you're in a field you love and a job that fits)
  • start to minimize ADD symptoms that might get in your way - impulsiveness and restlessness are two you've identified here...take a look to see what else might help you.  Get treatment for them!

Best of luck with it!

Submitted by Melody (not verified) on Thu Feb 5th, 2009 - 9:10am

I can't agree more with Melissa's observations. There is also the fact that my therapist tells me smoking pot, while helping calm the brain in the short-term, actually makes ADD worse unless you smoke all the time. (And then there are problems that pot smokers don't want to admit exist) When you are not smoking it, it affects your short-term memory loss and therefore your ADD symptoms will get worse, not better. So your roller-coaster will have even greater highs/lows. Trust me, you don't want to live that way! I never got diagnosed until recently, and I've gone 10 years longer than you. It's not fun. It really became a relationship/life-threatening issue once I had a child. You can kinda get away with 'doing your own thing' to an extent if it's you and your partner, but when you throw a child into the mix - especially one with special needs like mine - it's almost impossible. I don't know your family situation but I don't have much immediate family to take care of my daughter, healthy or otherwise. So we spend quite a bit of time together. I'm just letting you know, the longer you go and the more 'entrenched' in a particular life you get, the harder it becomes. I'm lucky - my spouse is understanding and might be a bit ADD himself, so he can more readily see how our behaviors are the same, just manifest themselves in different ways. (He's a tech person, I'm creative) If you don't have that, though, with this man, then you will be so very glad when you are my age that you didn't make that mistake. Also, I know you guys are young and if he is smoking pot, perhaps just the lifestyle you guys lead together is part of what attracted you and keeps you? It was 'exciting' and not a boring sit-on-the-couch-and-watch-TV after 10 dates type of relationship? If the dynamic of your relationship has changed and that's what is "boring" to you, then you definately need to re-evaluate. If he's not willing to work on it, maybe you just need to work on you for a bit.

Submitted by Shelly (not verified) on Wed Feb 11th, 2009 - 1:54am

When you said you thought the pot smoking was just a cover up, you were right and here is what it is a cover up for; life. I am married to a man who had a pot addiction for years and it almost ruined what little marriage we had left at the time. Pot is an escape from day to day stresses and problems but, it doesn't make those problems disappear, it only blinds you to them for awhile. Eventually, you have to deal with them and they are almost always worse by the time you do because you neglected them while you were getting high. He is obviously playing that game now by wanting to ignore the severity of your problem and hoping it will go away. He is also belittling you by making you feel badly about yourself because you cannot control your ADD. This is wrong and tells me that he has to put you down in order to make himself feel better. As far as pot goes; pot lowers your IQ, ruins your memory-a problem ADDers already struggle with--and it screws up your immune system. He should be keeping you from it, not encouraging you to smoke it. In men, it even lowers their sperm count and in some cases, renders them almost sterile. Pot smoking also causes you to remain immature. It is dealing with the stresses of life that cause you to grow and mature. When you delay dealing with them, or deal with them in an anesthetized state, you don't reap the benefit of maturity. You don't get the full effect emotionally of working through that problem and coming out on the other side. Does this make sense? Your boyfriend sounds like he is pushing the "natural" thing with you so he can feel justified with his "natural" pot use. "If it's natural, it must be ok". How many times have I hear that tired argument before? Deadly nightshade is natural and I doubt that he would want to smoke any of that. If you take a prescription drug for your condition, he would be forced to concede that you have a condition that requires drug use. It may make him think about why he feels the need for drugs and he may not want to go there. Also, he might feel threatened by it. He may be afraid you will get better, your head will clear and you will see him for what I believe he really is: a person who cares more about controlling you than he actually cares about you. Are you willing to marry him and bring a child into the world with a pot head for a dad? Trust me, pot heads are crappy fathers. They are no different to their kids than alcoholics are. I have lived with both and I know whereof I speak. They are tired a lot, have a tendency toward depression, never get much done around the house and break their promises all the time. They have anger issues, are verbally abusive and are usually very moody and if you say anything, you will end up being "the bitch". You already have enough to deal with as an ADD person, please, please re-think marrying anyone who smokes pot or otherwise abuses his body with drugs or alcohol. You will be very unhappy if you marry this man. I really believe that your cheating incident says more about how you feel about him than it does about your impulsive behavior. I hope I haven't offended you, but I really hate to see you make this mistake. Oh, and go find a good doctor and work on finding the right prescription. If your boyfriend doesn't like it, tough toenails. We've tried all the natural stuff and I have never found anything that does more than take the edge off. If you want to do that while you seek a better solution, try a product called "Theanine Serene". It helps a little...and DON'T smoke any more pot, for heaven's sake!