I am new to the site and I am seeking advice. Been married to my husband for 32 years. He has exhibited some signs of ADHD over the years but it has been getting worse over the last few years. He has been told by the 2 marriage therapists we have seen that he very likely has adhd. He will not go back to see these therapists (that I found) and when I ask him to find a therapist, he won't. He refuses to accept the “stigma” and the “label” of ADHD (those are the words he uses) and therefore refuses to seek evaluation. I bought 2 copies of the ADHD effect on Marriage and gave him one. He has been reading it but I really feel like he is refuting most of it. He is writing notes on every single page so it is taking him a really long time to read it. I was hoping for a miracle revelation like "OMG I have put my poor wife through so much stress and anxiety and I have been such an asshole and I need to do whatever I can to try to make it up to her." So, yeah, that's not happening. I feel like I’m living with Jekyll and Hyde. Most of the time he is very nice and pleasant and then, without warning he’s picking a fight and being hurtful and disrespectful. The most bothersome thing is that his perception of people, mostly me, is skewed. He accuses me of the things that he in fact does. Trying to have a conversation is futile. He interrupts constantly. The conversation typically turns into argument and then goes in every direction and leaves us both exasperated. During these arguments he says very hurtful things to me. He just cannot see that he is being hurtful. It is always justified or explained. He has apologized to other people for his behavior but with me he cannot accept that he’s wrong, and has no regret for his behavior. The apologies, if at all, are typically after hours or days or even years and are hollow non-apologies. Ex: “I’m sorry you took it that way”. He has lost relationships with people he loves because of his bad behavior. I'm at the point that I just don't think I can deal with this if he continues to refuse to do anything about it. I appreciate any advice!
Need help with ADD husband!
Submitted by tiptoethroughtulips on 06/10/2022.
This sounds like old me...
Submitted by FinallyCrushing... on
I wish I could give you some sort of tips or tricks, but honestly it took me about 10 years of marriage (and 16 years of being together) to fully realize the implications of all of it. Unfortunately, I don't think there is anything that my wife could have done to make me realize it. It all suddenly came to me, over the course of a few months in 2021. Reading things on this site, reading things on reddit, and just doing a lot of soul searching (sometimes under the influence of THC) really helped. I honestly kinda dislike thc because it makes my thoughts race even more than normal and tends to turn them into the negative more often than usual. (I'm generally an optimist). But I had a eureka moment about 14 months ago where I thought EXACTLY what you typed: "OMG I have put my poor wife through so much stress and anxiety and I have been such an asshole and I need to do whatever I can to try to make it up to her." All of that came to me, at first, with a very simple phrase. What literally popped in my head was: 'Go easy on ::wife::, she's absolutely trying her best and she loves you and her family.' That was like a light switch for me and I'll always work on controlling my executive dysfuntion, emotion control, and rejection sensitivity dysphoria. That last one is honestly the hardest for me.
I'm happy to answer any questions if you have any. I'm really trying to be helpful, but I can see how it's probably not very helpful for your situation.
Waiting for Eureka!
Submitted by tiptoethroughtulips on
Thank you for sharing! In our case, I have been doing all the research and I was initially sending him my findings. Realizing that he is refuting this diagnosis, I have quit sending him stuff. I am just a wreck right now, trying to figure out how to proceed, or not. I spend literally most of my day at work (I own my own business so it's ok, haha) researching and reading everything I can find about ADHD. I feel like the more I understand, the more I realize how detrimental this has been to our marriage and honestly to my well being also. I guess in retrospect, I was hoping for an answer that I know deep down does not exist but I appreciate hearing about other people who have achieved that Eureka moment. Thank you again for your candor.
Just figuring it out too
Submitted by something on
Hi, Im just figuring out that my husband probably has ADHD as well, after 24 years. What a bombshell. That's a long time, and a lot of water under the bridge, and hurt, and confusion and resentment to deal with. Im overwhelmed with processing at the moment. The past, the present and the future all need re-framing. And right now there's a lot of emotion as well as I deal with the latest financial catastrophe. I think its going to take some time to put things right side up. Im trying to have low expectations of him understanding it until we can get a diagnosis and some support. I hope that you can get somewhere positive with it in time. I can certainly empathise.
I could have written this
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
I could have written this post. I wish I had advice, but i don't, so i can only sympathize. We've always joked about my husband having ADHD, which he clearly does even tho it is undiagnosed, but I never realized THAT is actually what was behind the years of verbal abuse (the worst of which he was able to eventually overcome) and his hurtful comments and behaviors even now. We've been married 18 years, and I have only made this connection and started the deeper research within the last couple days. I am feeling so overwhelmed and hopeless right now because I have just realized that he won't ever just figure it out. That there is an actual scientific reason behind why he is the way he is. And once I started sharing with him what I've been learning, what ADHD is beyond the obvious, he of course became defensive and even went so far as to suggest that I am the one who may need to adjust my thinking and behavior and just not be so sensitive to everything. I really am not a crazy sensitive person. I can take a lot of things in stride, but he says some REALLY rude things to me and I am still human. Our marriage is already horrible as far as I'm concerned. I cannot communicate with him. He is very easily offended, so i feel like a do a lot of walking on eggshells. It's very rare, but unless I have some kind of drastic reaction, he rarely remembers anything I try to explain to him about how the things he says or does hurt me, and then the same fight will be had the next day, the next week, etc. And I hate those unproductive "discussions" that generally spiral out of control with him blaming me and me trying to defend myself, and eventually it's a huge fight and nothing gets solved. I mostly don't say anything anymore unless it is REALLY bad. But the digs and jabs and manipulation still find their mark and my resentment keeps building. And then he is very quick to label me as mean if I lose my patience in responding to him. And, of course, HE doesn't want a label. Doesn't want people looking down on him or to use his ADHD as an excuse. But it already affects the people around him and rubs them the wrong way and he just can't see it. He is very easily offended, and constantly complains about how people walk all over him and how nice guys finish last, and I really think I just cracked the WHY and I already feel like he's dismissed any possibility of changing all so he doesn't have to have a label.
I also could have written this and the last post !
Submitted by Elsa on
Gosh how sad how similar our lives are because of the total destruction of ADHD !
I am as I type crying and hiding in my car from my ADHD partner because he has just lost the plot totally because he slipped up and his rejection sensitivity is like the other poster probably the worst aspect to deal with . I too walk on eggshells , I hate confrontation and arguments , so when he explodes I retreat , physically if I can , hence why i am hiding in a car park now but mentally if I have to stay in a room or space with him . Any thing can set him off so I talk less and less , there used to be some sensitive subjects I would not raise for fear of his reaction now it can be anything . Whilst out walking the other day a couple of innocuous things started him , I could see the angry scary face and stayed silent , at one point just to make conversation I commented on how lush the weeds were and even that he turned into some slight on him and was I implying he had not noticed ! Literally our relationship is dead as conversation or connection is impossible . I live everyday scared and terrified and worry I have exhausted the two people I could talk to about all this , they have been great but let's be honest only those of us that live in this chaotic , dysfunctional ADHD world really understand .
Sorry I can not offer words of wisdom or anything practical , just words of "I hear you , I get it "and you have understanding .
I wish I had somewhere to go to talk to others in our situation, here ( UK) there seems to be nothing for adults .
Sorry how for mistakes , I am typing this in my car , on my phone without my glasses whilst crying .
Praying and hoping for us all there is a light at the end of this tunnel .
Oh Elsa! I cried in my
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
Oh Elsa! I cried in my vehicle this morning, too. To hide it from my kids, but still. I so understand feeling like you're probably overwhelming other people with the weight of this burden when they can't really understand how heavy it is. It IS comforting to have found others who know exactly what we're going through, but I wish that none of us had to go through this. Hugs!
So sorry
Submitted by Elsa on
Dear EAB
Thank you for your support and so sorry you too yesterday were hiding out in your car, how awful just in this thread on this one forum there are at four of us going through the exact same issues . Mutedsonos comments were again so similar to my experiences,communication being impossible literally we are living like strangers . The outburst that left me in the car park has not been mentioned, I am too scared to and know also from previous experience it will only be the start of another rage and he simply believes he did nothing wrong . It is so mind blowing that he thinks in his differently wired brain that leaving the woman you supposedly love , crying and bereft in a car park having nearly driven over her foot . I honestly think he is addicted to these outbursts , he gets a kick or adrenaline rush he needs , normally he is afterwards in a better mood than before . Meanwhile I am reeling from the vile , nasty verbal abuse the horrid words ringing in my ears over and over again , unable to comprehend that this man I fell in love with could be so angry and aim such attacks at me . I can not believe the independent woman I was is the one sobbing and covering my ears and begging him to stop saying such things as You can't take them back , whilst cowering in the cloakroom . How does this happen , how do our lives become so destroyed by this condition and yet there is no support and feel so alone .
Dear ladies I am hoping you are all having a better day today , my partner has taken himself off , so at least there is peace at home if not in my head .
This post and contributers has struck home more than most , i hope we can stay in touch, the understanding is a lifeline .
Elsa x
I could also have written all this....
Submitted by mutedsonos on
AprilS & Elsa - I am experiencing the same as you've described and it's only getting worse with time.
I don't even know if the meds are having much effect anymore. My husband takes Elvanse.
He is constantly so angry and anything can set him off in a rage whilst I am blamed for everything, including why he is so horrible to me. It's my fault for not making enough effort or making him feel good which is why he has to be mean to me. Mostly it's just really vile comments - I've never seen someone with so much hatred in their eyes. Constantly making threats to divorce me and "ruin my life" if I don't do XYZ. He will take no accountability for what he's said, or how it makes me feel as he "doesn't care how I feel as its not all about me"
Communicating with him is impossible as anything I say is turned back on me and made to be my fault. I walk around on eggshells, and worry about telling him anything as he will most likely take it badly, or it is seen as a criticism against him.
We've been married for 3 years and together for 5 years (he was diagnosed 4 years ago). Thankfully we don't have children, and I don't plan on having anytime soon as I don't see a future with this man I no longer recognise as the man I met 5 years ago. They are polar opposites and I feel like the only viable option is to get a divorce before I lose my mind. It's been getting so much worse recently and my tank is running very low and I'm bored of having to go for a drive or hide in the bathroom to cry because of how he makes me feel.
I agree with you Elsa on wishing the UK had some form of in-person support groups for the spouse' of ADHD partners.