I don't know what to do anymore. My husband and I have had multiple issues with his ADD in the past. I have dealt with it, accepted it, been a slave to it, worked with it and around it and accommodated for it and everything in between. I have been above and beyond patient with this. He is RARELY patient and understanding with me and how his behavior affects me. To his credit, we have had occasional breakthroughs here and there where he finally admits to how he can see that his behavior makes me feel unimportant and he does apologize for it, and that's all I really want. However, most of the time if I do express my frustration, he blames it on me- I'm too emotional, I'm too sensitive, I'm too needy. He adopts this defensive, impulsive, angry and verbally aggressive stance which makes it impossible to talk to him, and he immediately becomes the louder and more forceful person... so he wins? (or so he thinks??). I am not nearly as pushy/loud/forceful of a person as he is. He has learned that if he shuts me down hard and fast that it will all go away.
Aside from this ADD demon popping up to cause issues on occasion, we are actually very much happy and in love with each other.
Well, now I'm pregnant and we are both thrilled, but somehow this has actually caused a MAJOR ADD flare up and I am NOT ok with it this time around. This is our first baby, and I'm 18 weeks at this point-- almost halfway through this pregnancy. We have been redoing our entire backyard, which is a project we started before I found out I was pregnant (which was unexpected, by the way!). It has taken so long because we are doing it ourselves. He has completely honed in on this project like you wouldn't believe- to the point of obsession- and is completely neglecting other things, including THIS PREGNANCY. I feel like he isn't nearly as interested in it as my freaking coworkers are! He's not reading up on anything about pregnancy or newborns, not researching anything about classes or equipment we should buy, not expressing much excitement or asking me how I'm feeling, or if I felt the baby move more today, etc. I'm doing all the reading and research, planning classes, etc. I try to talk to him about things that I'm reading and I can't hold his attention (naturally). I tell him a quick thing about the baby like "hey, I'm 18 weeks now so this book says the baby is the size of a bell pepper!" and his answer is usually a flat, distracted one liner- "cool." He doesn't seem to try to touch my belly to see if he can feel movement. If we're laying down in bed to go to sleep and I feel something, I say "hey put your hand here you might feel something!" and he'll like slowly roll over like I'm totally burdening him, place his hand on my belly for a fleeting second and be like "nah, don't feel anything," or he won't touch my belly at all and he'll complain that it's time for bed and he needs to go to sleep, and why don't I let him go to bed?!! What the hell?!!!
This behavior has made me feel like he doesn't care about this pregnancy, or me which I know is not true. When I brought this up to him and how I think he should take a break from the backyard for a bit so we can do something fun one afternoon, he barked at me that it had to get done. It dawned on me that I think he's actually freaking out because of this impending due date and he just wants everything done before the baby... but when I told him I understood his desire to get it all done, but why doesn't he talk about the baby to me, he yells at me! First the problem was that I brought it up at a bad time and he wanted to go to bed. Then the problem was that I was too needy. Then his complaint was that he's just not expressive and doesn't need to tell me when he's excited about things. He basically said that my expectations are ridiculous, of course he's excited and why does he need to talk about it with me.
When someone else asks him how we're doing or if he's excited, he practically glows and talks to them about his thoughts and feelings on things at length! When I talk to him, his brain is on the backyard and I'm on the back burner. I have NOBODY else out here to share this experience with. My whole family is across the country. I have a few close friends out here that I like to talk to about things, but I want to experience this excitement with HIM above everyone else, but he's just not interested! I can't tell if it's the ADD issue- the backyard is literally taking ALL of his focus... or if he's just freaking out, or what? Either way, I am at the end of the rope here. Then I start freaking out and thinking about how ADD will affect his parenting abilities. I slipped on the bottom stair and fell the other day (didn't get hurt but it was loud enough and I kind of yelled out in shock when I hit the floor. My dog immediately bolted across the house and came to my side to see if I was ok. MY HUSBAND DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE. Didn't hear me, didn't notice our dog bolting through the house to get to me. Naturally I got upset because it makes me think about how an infant can get hurt if you take your eyes off of them for half a second, and he can't pay attention without getting distracted!! And he doesn't notice things like his pregnant wife hitting the floor! And I wonder about things like what if the baby gets hurt or cries or tries to get his attention and he doesn't notice, and I'm not around to help?! I don't know what to think anymore and the more I think about this, the more it scares me to leave the baby alone with him. He insists that his ADD won't be a problem, but he has yet to prove to me that he can react quickly to something that SHOULD pull his attention away from a magazine/book/etc.
Does anyone have any advice or thoughts to share on this, I could really use some reassurance. I know plenty of you out there ARE raising children with this issue in your household. Please help :-(
Darling...Get used to it!
Submitted by snsforever916 on
Sorry to be the Debbie Downer but you haven't seen ANYTHING yet! I promise you if he's anything like my hubby was...which based on his behavior-it's similiar to our first, he will get much worse.
People who are ADHD do not see the growing belly and think baby. It won't be real until the little one is present. It's not both of your pregnancy...It's just yours...alone just yours. Understand that. You need to make sure that you can care for yourself alone. You need to be that strong and not look to him for anything. I know that sounds harsh...however if you want to come out of this pregnancy married and with little resentment, it's good advice.
The one thing and probably best advice I can give you is to not expect much. The less you expect and do more for yourself and baby, the better it will be for all 3 of you. Your hubby will feel less stress and actually want to help more. The more you say...get involved, why don't you care...can't you see we're pregnant...The more stress he will have and the less capable he will be.
((HUGS)) I can tell you now with 2 kids, a family business, busy schedule and even with the fact that I work full time...I still do most things around the house, or hire someone else to help me. He has really matured but I gave him the space to mature. I didn't expect him to be 100% on board from day one...He would have never been able to do that. ADHD folks don't like change and having a child is the biggest one of your life. Be strong, get a huge support system for you and realize it's as though you're a Mama of a teenager and a new one on the way.
I never knew
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
amlee87,
Regardless of the fact that I read lots of books on marriage and on motherhood, I missed a lot of my spoues negative behaviors because I just didn't know better. I came from an alcoholic home, so I thought what I had found in my husband was wonderful. Then, bit by bit, I became aware that something was amiss.
I married at 25 and got pregnant for the first time at age 29. I had morning sickness, 24 hours a day, for almost 8 weeks. I just needed to be left alone so I sent my spouse fishing or to his parent's house. There was really nothing he could do to relieve my nausea and feeling yucky. In hindsight, he could have done the laundry, or the housework, or the dishes, or the vacuuming. . . . .
I got pregnant for the second time when my first child was 18 months old. This time I had that 24 hour a day morning sickness for way past 12 weeks. . . . but with an 18 month old to take care of, I could not just send my husband fishing or to his parent's house. My husband did not have any empathy for my feeling horrible. He was frustrated that there was not cooking being done for him, and no clean work clothes, and he also was not patient with the 18 month old - not enough to feed, and diaper, and bath and take care of him.
I thought the problem was me - that I was not able to express clearly what my needs were. I had no clue that he could not address my needs. He just knew I was probably not as sick as I said, I was milking the situation, and he was being taken advantage of.
Bummer. I see it so different looking back over 25 years. Wow.
Knowledge is power. Hindsight is 20:20.
I know they do not mean to act thickheaded - it just sure feels that way when you are at the receiving end of poor behavior.
Each case is different. Each couple has different dynamics. There are so many variables - degree of acceptance of ADHD behaviors, degree of understanding of your spouse's acceptance - and how to deal with things.
Sure, my husband misplacing his keys is frustrating. If his response is, "Drat. I misplaced my keys again," that there says 'acceptance.' If we are all busily looking for the lost keys, and the person who lost them does not see this as a twice-a-week occurrence, and rather is upset that no one is willing to help find the lost keys because they have there own things to do - that is denial. Denial that the constant losing of ones keys is a frustration that affects the whole household.
I am living with denial. LOL, how funny that I was in denial about his denial:)
My advice coming solely from
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
My advice coming solely from my personal experience - raising one kid with an ADHD spouse who isn't properly treated is tough but doable, if you have some support (in my case, my parents are amazing). For us, the real problems began when we had our second kid. Like I'm So Exhausted, my husband really had trouble taking care of our older child when I was recovering from a very difficult delivery with our second. The older child is really suffering from my husband's lack of patience right now, and I am trying to undo some of the damage, but I also need to focus on our baby because my husband has very little to do with her (like spends about 5 minutes a day with her while I bathe our son). So, yeah, there were definitely some issues when we had one child (I was definitley doing most of the work, even after I went back to my full time job when our first was a year old), but now things are at a breaking point. Reach out for as much support as you can (family, friends, mother support groups) and encourage your husband to get his ADHD symptoms treated as best you can (without nagging, of course:) and who knows...your husband may be the type who ends up hyperfocusing on his children eventually.
What you write of is SO
Submitted by add on
What you write of is SO familiar to many of us. One thing you have going for you is that you realize from the start what may be contributing to the problems. Most of us did not have a clue. Having said that, I was married 25 years in misery and it did not end well so I will give you this advice: 1.) be very careful that you do not let year after year after year go by with a partner who is not providing you the emotional support you need and deserve. Do not lose yourself! This is not love!! Sometimes we all must accept the hard fact that as much as we want our partner to change/help out/care more we cannot change them. Only they can change and unfortunately sometimes this DOES NOT HAPPEN. This is one of my biggest regrets. 2.) Do not become 100% financially dependent on your spouse. Have a marketable skill and/or go to school. Set aside some money that is yours alone even if it is not much. Through the years it will add up and someday you may be so glad you did. We all think a divorce won't happen to US but it may and usually they don't end well. 3.) Be very careful not to have another baby if you still feel there are issues that are not being addressed. It will only get worse with another baby and it makes it more difficult to get out if you have to. 4.) Remember that life DOES go fast. Listen to your gut and do what you have to to be happy. A few years of pain is better than a lifetime of regret. I really do wish you the best.