I'm sorry. I just .... need to scream. I really need to scream. But it hurts my throat so I can't scream.
I am reading the book ADHD effect on marriage. I will have my ADHD husband read it as well. But in the meantime, and even though we are deep into discussion about his ADHD, and ostensibly working on it together, it is in FULL FORCE.
Short version is that he procrastinated on something important that I spent WEEKS trying my best to get him to do. In the meantime we had an event to do together and I spent WEEKS talking with him about what I would need from him the day before the event. To help me. To show up, ready to help me. He promised to do so.
Cut to today, the day before the event. He now has to do his other work that he procrastinated on. He can't be fully available as he promised, and even better, he is doing EXACTLY WHAT I BEGGED HIM NOT TO DO. Which is act put upon by my needs, act like he doesn't think there's much to be done, demand that I tell him exactly what needs to be done even though it is a dynamic situation that requires simply being available, paying attention, and doing what comes up through the day.
People, I TRIED. I prepared for this for weeks, and still I could not get him to do the basic things needed. And he acts put upon, even though he agreed to be available today. When I tell him he should not have procrastined, he would then be available today, he tells me I'm "chiding" him and he gets angry and defensive.
I know. I know. It's all the fucking ADHD. I hate this damn thing. It just makes life so stupidly and unnecessarily stressful. The resentment that builds up is so toxic. The exhaustion of the same damn thing over and over again, no end in sight, and relentless lack of comprehension on my spouses part that is so baffling and infuriating.
And worse, our lives and work are all tied up together. We work together. I have to rely on him. And I can only be certain, right now, of one thing. He will somehow ensure that every single time I need him for something like this, he will not show up. It's like he pathologically sabotages everything.
How am I going to survive with him? How can I ever be calm and happy? I work with other people and it's no problem. NO PROBLEM. Everything is fine. Smooth. But with him? Always chaos and stress as he takes on too much, procrastinates, ignores things that need doing and does what he wants instead, and then blames me when I finally get frustrated or angry. And when he talks about the past it is always revisionist history. He remembers it as he wants to.
I just needed to vent. This is hard and sad.
Over and out.
Need to vent
Submitted by BurnedOutLady on 09/30/2023.
Have you thought about getting another job?
Submitted by sickandtired on
I feel so much empathy for you. You said you work with him, and perhaps that one roadblock to your independence is keeping you in this relationship. My ex was like this. I would give him plenty of time to prepare if I needed his help, but he ALWAYS had some excuse to not be there when I needed him, or he would do the exact opposite of what I wanted him to do. I could be as clear as day what I needed or didn't need or want, but he would invariably let me down, because he would only do things his way, in his own timeframe. Here's one example. He got this idea that my 20 year old conure parrot was too loud, so he decided to put plexiglass panels inside her cage. I said no way! It was not healthy for her, and the silicone he wanted to use would be toxic to her. I told him several times NOT to do anything to her cage.
He was a night owl who would start projects late and work through the night. So hours later, after midnight, while I had been sleeping for hours, he came in and was so proud, saying "Look what I did!" Then he proudly rolled in my poor parrots cage, completely wrapped in plexiglass, all 4 sides, top and bottom! My poor bird was miserable because he put her in there while not even waiting for the silicon fumes to clear!!! I had told him as clearly as I could that it would be dangerous for her and that I did NOT want him to take on any project regarding my bird's cage!!! I had to get up, put my exhausted bird in a spare cage (thank God I had one) while I peeled off all of the silicone and plexiglass off of her cage. He got very angry, saying I didn't "appreciate" all of the hours he worked on it! AAARG!!!
I had to get out of bed with my leg in a cast with my other ankle severely sprained, basically unable to walk or stand without holding on to the huge cage to save my bird from this death trap he had created. I was furious because not only did he do the exact opposite of what I emphatically told him, but he put one of my pet's life in danger! You cannot get through to a person like this, and your life will suffer because of it. It would be better for you to get another job and get financially free of your guy so you can move on rather than to live in constant stress like I did before I ended my relationship.
BTW, the reason I had a broken leg with the other ankle severely sprained was because I had been asking my ex for weeks to please bring in my big potted tropical plants so they won't freeze. He kept saying ok ok I'll do it, but he never did. The night the weatherman said it's going to freeze I went outside by myself to move those plants myself, and had a serious fall. He didn't even have any sympathy for me laying on the concrete, angrily yelling, " Why didn't you ask ME to move those plants???" Living with someone like this is maddening and it can severely impact your health. This accident was 10 years ago. I had to go through over a year of rehab and now I have painful osteoarthritis in both ankles due to the injuries. Like I said, you can't get through to folks like this. Your needs, common sense, and basic safety, are just NOT things you can rely on a person like this to recognize, much less act upon. It's better to live alone so you can at least control your own life. You deserve so much better than this endlessly frustrating life.
Not easy but I must find a way
Submitted by BurnedOutLady on
The two of us have been working together for about 11 years. We have accomplished a huge amount, but at great cost to my mental health and both of our physical health. We are at a turning point now but it is so hard to figure this out. We are totally entwined and live and work together in the same place. Everything is located in one place. And I don't have an easy way to transition to a solo career path. But it isn't impossible. All day long today I've been thinking about it. It seems clear that I can't continue in a situation where I am relying on him. I think his ADHD is worse than in the past. And he has rejection dysphoria and every other addition to this problem. He loves me and we've been through a lot together, he's a good person. No cheating. He would say he's trying. But I just don't think I have it in me to baby-step him down the road anymore, holding his hand through all the organizing and planning that is needed for our work going forward. He's a BIG IDEA guy, and he can move mountains (with the help of an organized woman like me), but he can't pick up after himself or remember a damn thing if he's not really interested or motivated. He has no sense of time and acts baffled that an event can't be prepared for in one day or even better, the same morning. And we are planning to do a lot of events in the future, so this is a nightmare that I do need to avoid. Just need to figure out how.
I hope your parrot recovered
Submitted by BurnedOutLady on
Yes!
Submitted by sickandtired on
Yes she did, and I still have her now, 10 years after. I'm happy and she's happy too. Thanks for caring.
Disability in business
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm so sorry about this. You describe a disability in your husband that disfigures how your business can present itself.
I have had the same thing completely destroy the active social life I wanted for the family. It's so hard to have last-minute crises every time guests are about to arrive or for celebrations. It ruins everything.
I would try to disentangle from this. I don't know your circumstances of course. I totally agree with you that nothing you do to help him prepare probably helps. If he has no flexibility, he can't make himself available and catch chances where they appear.
I hope you find a way to become independent. All the best to you.
Interesting
Submitted by adhd32 on
I found your comment regarding your social life interesting. H always complained that we never invited people over. He loves parties and felt guilty that we did not reciprocate as often as we should have. Same situation w meltdowns before every celebration we hosted. It was rough opening the door with a plastered on smile after he just finished a tantrum and sit among the guests pretending everything was peachy. . Even though logically it was the adhd and pre-party anticipation, for me the best way to deal with it was to just say no to entertaining at home.. He didn't do any of the work and acted so put upon when help was requested. I gave up and cut socializing at home down to extended family holidays only since his promises never materialized and working full time plus all the daily stuff was chaos enough for me. He has always been welcome to plan and execute a get together, and I encouraged him to do so. Guess what happened?
Exactly that
Submitted by Swedish coast on
That's just what we've had too. Me alone -planning, enthusing, cooking, decorating, last-minute finishes, then entertaining, keeping track of time and everybody, refilling glasses and children's plates. Him lost in himself, a bit shattered always, contributing mainly by showing up as another guest, apart from the pre-gathering tantrum.
I used to treat his family to dinners and sleepovers at our home. He would even let me take care of conversation, himself silent in the background. I was so exhausted.