Hi everyone
I wanted to introduce myself.
My name is Phillipa, I am 62, been married 42 (!) years to M.
Our son was diagnosed with ADHD at age 8 and has since (through treatment) become an incredible, high-functioning and happy adult.
Somehow we never got a formal diagnosis for M. although the signs were always there (inability to keep a job, distracted, no empathy, very argumentative, impuslive, blurts out inappropriate things, lies, hyper-focuses on computer...)
Anyway 2 years ago he did go and get a formal diagnosis which was of course confirmed as ADHD.
He is also being treated for anxiety and depression with Wellbutrin and goes to a therapist once a week.
He is not on medication for ADHD but is finally willing to consider it.
I am completely wiped out as his spouse and sometimes feel that I just don't care any more.
But I guess that is not true as here I am - reaching out to another support group!
Reading here helps a lot
Thanks, Phillipa
Start by adding one new thing for yourself
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
On this forum you've found a community of people who are painfully aware of the grinding and unrelenting psychological impact of ADHD symptoms and behaviors imposed on the non-ADHD spouse. Most of us have endured variants of the same.
I suggest trying to add an activity FOR YOURSELF that gives you personal enjoyment. For example, I try to attend a classical concert monthly because I enjoy it. No running around. Just buy a ticket for myself in advance, go to the concert without drama, and enjoy the peace of the music and commune with the other attendees. (On Corona-hold for now.) It does not matter what activity you prefer. Just do something repeatedly for yourself. I find these events as a talisman to remember myself.
Hi Phillipa
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi Phillipa - I have definitely found a lot of help and support here. Glad you're here! It is reassuring to find people who instantly nod in understanding when you describe what your life looks like. ADHD impacts every single aspect of a relationship (in my opinion) and it's impossible to describe to people who haven't lived it.
I have a question for you about your son - what would say were the most beneficial tactics/treatments you used to manage his ADHD to help him be the happy, high-functioning adult you described?
Wow, our son!
Submitted by Phillipa on
Wow, our son!
He was diagnosed at age 8 and I think that was a key part.
From that age onwards he was on medication (Ritalin) which was a huge benefit.
He also had help with school as well as social skills, and both H and I dedicated ourselves to helping him.
He has really come through it so well and now manages his own ADHD as an adult, taking medication as needed only.
He has a lot of friends, a great career and most importantly a wonderful wife.
I would say he's the poster child for the right way to handle ADHD from childhood and the difference it makes as an adult.
Comparing that to my H who was not diagnosed until recently - wow
an 'ADHD Success'!
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
It is almost beyond words to hear of an 'ADHD Success'. God Bless you. I so hope your husband can recognize your son's success and work to emulate the work it took to achieve that. Congrats to your entire family.
Thank you!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Thank you so much for taking the time to post this. It is wonderful and heartening to read a story like yours.
Your son
Submitted by Brindle on
This is wonderful to hear! Thank you.
Hello Phillipa
Submitted by c ur self on
42 years! congratulations, that's a huge achievement....There is probably not much you haven't tried....My wife is very add, (adderall) and it's been difficult for me (us)....I think because I was married to a non for 30 years (she passed away at age 49) we could communicate, I knew what to expect from her....It really made acceptance of my spouses reality much more difficult...My mind-set after living with her a while was "Nobody lives this away!!!"...LOL...But, they do :)....
For me, (after the fussing and fighting, anger and bitterness of those first 5 years) it came down to "What's it going to take for me to have a life, and have peace??....So I started living again ( like will it get better commented) I accepted her just like she is, and started focusing more on my own life, and started setting boundaries on myself, and the marriage, to eliminate all those high probability area's that caused most of our conflict....This is difficult because marriage means sharing....So those intimate things touching, sex etc. can hold us hostage if we allow it....I did for years, but, I do not any longer...
Acceptance helped me to see that I was attempting to "think for her"....I would question her actions, her thought processes and the resulting behaviors....In other words I made my self her Mother...Not good! :)....NOT our job...So I guess basically we have a marriage of live and let live...We do not share in taxes, or any finances...We don't travel together, (unless we can agree before we go) I avoid riding with her (messy car, no where to set, and want stop playing with her iPhone)....We just have to avoid behaviors that isn't conducive to a healthy attachment...Any time someone is, not like us;), it can feel, and be, very intrusive at times....After 42 years you know this well....I do my best and feel my best emotionally and mentally toward the marriage when I don't engage the huge difference's like messes etc....Example...She wants to live messy and hoarding when it's just us...But with the holidays coming, she will want to hide who she is from the family...She will start pumping out expectations on me leading up to the holiday...I don't bite, I walk away....I will help, but, I force accountability by waiting until she get's in gear....It's not always easy to know what to do (I know talking is useless if she's in denial) ...But I know I can't be her Mother...And she deserves my love and respect, just like I do hers... So acceptance is the best road to peace that I have tried...I feel I've done all I can to this point, to help us have a healthy marriage....It only goes sideways when we try to think for each other, or allow expectations to override acceptance....
The word **Normal**, is never a part of a **Normal marriage** when it comes to marriages where one or both spouses have high level add/adhd....We have to make our own normal, in order to have peace and a life....
c
Hi, I've been thinking about
Submitted by ungit on
Hi, I've been thinking about your comment all day, acceptance as a path to peace, living your life, setting boundaries. Could you please say more? I feel that this might be the only way for me to survive my marriage and hopefully begin to feel joy again. Expecting change seems to make things worse as so much is out of my control (I'm the non-adhd spouse). I need to find a way back to myself, back to hope, back to joy. Can you please describe how you set boundaries without fights or hurt feelings? For example, you mentioned not traveling together and avoiding circumstances that will cause conflicts. How do you go about establishing those boundaries? And how did you identify what to avoid? It seems like my H and I fight about EVERYTHING. Our therapist told us that if we can't spend more than two hours together without fighting then don't spend more than two hours together haha. Also, is it lonely? I already feel so lonely and am afraid that if I outright carve out a life for myself that is mainly for me that I'll feel even more distant and disconnected from my spouse than I already do. Thanks in advance.
Hi ungit
Submitted by c ur self on
I wish I had the magic formula for you (((hugs)))... I got married at age 51... After being widowed (Wife of 30 years passed away with cancer)...I wanted to live out my life, in a healthy loving marriage... With in a very short time I was angry, codependent, and full of anxiety... I didn't know the person I had become..I had no idea anyone lived so self absorbed...When a person is so trapped in a mind that is only capable of self serving behaviors, ( especially in the marriage) and is locked in a mind of denial (unable to own their reality) about it, that person must be dealt with carefully...(boundaries)...(not trusted to be different than what they show us, words worthless, actions priceless)
I am a believer, I don't want my way, I don't want her way... I want the marriage God wants for all Husbands and Wives...The one he will bless..,We separated for 11 months after 4.5 years..It took me 6 months of praying, and studying to find myself again... Then I spent the next 5 months deciding on boundaries that I had to place on myself, and the marriage, in order to give us a chance to have a, **live and let live peaceful existence**. My wife is incapable of managing her life in a responsible manor because of her high level add... She battles each day because of distraction, poor short memory, poor time management...The difficult part of this reality is two fold... She accepted it ( happy living like a kid with little thought about responsibilities...I did not! (My problem).. When a spouse realizes that they can't trust their spouse to manage life efficiently, a high percentage of us, do the wrong thing.. We pick up the extra load... My add wife was happy for me to do it...(Attempting to Reversing it) First, let me say every married couple has a reality of what is possible... We have to find the best we can be TOGETHER. We have to step back and decide who we know we need to be, (hopefully that is person who's living of life is healthy) and what has to happen for our marriage relationship to not destroy any possibility of that person existing..,My wife hated some of the boundaries and decisions I made to protect my life, and to end arguments..,I was protecting her also, she just didn't realize it... Here's a list of things I've had to change in order to make our lives better...I had to accept who she wants to be, and in many cases is capable of being, no matter what I think about it...Just because she is dead wrong about some of her behaviors concerning what God requires from wives... Doesn't mean it will ever change! ( Unless she owns it, and works to change it)... I've only had a negative impact on her for most of our marriage...Only when I learned to walk away, (not point out what she already knows) not give in to trying to communicate to a closed mind that was most always defiant.. Never owning! My wife has grown in her awareness of self, I've become more patient, which creates peace..We both feel loved more that we ever have..I thank God for this...The trip thing... I'm very affectionate, that doesn't go well with her hyper focus...I take vacations to share with the person.. She takes vacations to entertain herself...So if a trip has the ability to be trouble, we discuss in detail about each of our thinking about what should happen between us...I'm fine with her going with the grown kids, and I'm fine going alone... Not fine in desire, but fine in order to have a peaceful existence...I'm away from my computer, doing this on a phone..Please forgive errors.., Also don't hesitate to ask direct questions...The processes of healing can take a lot of time.., But the main thing is to get started...
Bless you!
c
Thank you so much for taking
Submitted by ungit on
Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply. The phrase where you describe your spouse being "trapped" in their mind resonated with me because I see it the same way with my husband. His mind has him convinced that I am his enemy and that hurts so deeply. Sometimes I wonder if I even have the capacity to withstand the hurt long term, I am not a saint but a fragile flawed human myself. It falls on me to keep things together and while I am a strong and capable person, I just can't do it without cracking. I, myself, have an autoimmune disorder that causes chronic fatigue, pain, etc. and my number one trigger is stress. I have been debilitatingly sick off and on since I started living with my husband 5 years ago and my doctor tells me at every appointment that my stress level is what is continually causing my flare ups. It is a vicious cycle that I'm not sure how long I can continue to bare. I've thought long and hard about leaving my husband but the reality is that I am now too sick to work to support myself and my children (I have two teenagers from a previous marriage and we have a two year old son that I stay home with.) Also, I keep hoping things will get better because my husband is actually a very loving person. He is a good man "trapped in his mind." He is a wonderful father to our son and works hard to take care of us financially. He is just starting the process of finding a doctor and seeking treatment. I am hoping that things will get better or at least manageable. The bottom line is that divorce is not an option for me and I have to find a way to live in this marriage that doesn't cause me so much anguish. Your approach to your marriage gives me a lot of food for thought and I really appreciate you sharing your experience.
The enemy because......
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife and many adhd'ers feel the same... My spouse is my enemy... That's because of our pointing out dysfunction, our pointing out intrusiveness, our unwillingness to be there enabler/mother... Or it had in my case... So I suggest you just work to not speak into his life about things... How he should do this or that... Give him space, let him learn from his actions...The less you engage his life style, the less. stress and anxiety you will experience... I went to the hospital about 7 years ago with my heart jumping around... STRESS... The doctor walked in after all my tests, and said there is nothing physically wrong with you... You just need to relax... It might has well been Jesus telling me this.. Because deep down I knew it... Please do not defend yourself, walk away.. Do not fret over circumstances beyond your control... He will learn to trust you when he see's you can't be rattled and you are absolutely not going to argue with him..Go for walks with the kids, play with the baby, just respect his right to live as he see's fit without input from you... (Their adults and not our projects) Let him learn you are a safe person, but just not an enabler or mother...When communication is mostly impossible we have to accept that or our nervous system will crack...Set the boundaries u must to protect u both from huge differences..
c
Thank you for sharing these
Submitted by ungit on
Thank you for sharing these words of wisdom. I've been thinking about them a lot. How do you not let your spouse push your buttons and walk away instead of fighting? Can I ask, what makes you stay?
How not to fight;)
Submitted by c ur self on
To answer your questions, let's take the easiest first.. Why do I stay?.., It's a few things..,I vowed to her, and God, until death we do part (main one)... Secondly, she has never cheated that I know of..And I love her more today, than I ever have...And #4...She has never been in a fight or argument by herself:)....The first things I had to do to learn not to fight is... Learn to hate it... Look in the mirror, and work on that guy... Blame is easy for most adders, and real easy for the spouse who actually is being taken advantage of... It's taken me years to recognize (and accept) because of her mind, I can't just tell her things that I might could tell someone else... And I definitely can't respond to things with a fix it, or correct it spirit... No matter how wrong she is...She gets through life her way... Now, could she do better? Maybe, maybe not, I'm not her judge, nor do I live in her mind...So by placing boundaries and putting my focus on what I need to be doing in all walks of life, that keeps me busy and settled... I can't have the union I had with my first (late) wife... But we can have what is possible..,We still have an occasional argument...But I hate it... The more you learn to live and let live, the more you can enjoy the moments that are possible...In our experience, we got way far away, (Boundaries) before we got closer... Adders can learn, and they can become aware of their words and action... When it's destroying their own life, because a wise spouse has checked out.. (refused to engage any type stress filled dialogue)...Men can bully..If you are being bullied, you must quietly walk away until he knows it's unacceptable..,Don't allow gas lighting, sweet talking, or any type behavior that is not sincere to suck you in...My wife doesn't know how to apologize..,The less you argue with him, the less you will have to apologize to the very person who's words or actions started the conflict... Don't take part in anything disrespectful or unloving..,There can never be unloving dialogue between two people, if the one who see's it coming want engage..,,I give all credit to the strides we have made to God... Who had to save me from me, before I knew how to love...
blessings
c
I see the wisdom in that,
Submitted by ungit on
I see the wisdom in that, thank you. What do you do when you mess up and lose your temper/engage/defend yourself?
When I mess up....
Submitted by c ur self on
I stopped blaming her for me reacting to her unfiltered out bursts....So I would do what I told you in the last text...I would end up apologizing to her, (the one who started it with her disrespectful comments) when all I did was attempt to fend off, point out, make her see herself, etc...But. her mind is just like your husbands...No quitting sense, no remorse, no apology....
About your scenario in the second post....Same here...Same with many here....Unfiltered angry outbursts....Work on yourself and forget about him...That will help...Also, you (like myself) are looking at the blow ups as the problem...The blow ups are just a product of the person (people)...The people are the problem...The dysfunction is always about the people....You have to accept your weakness's....And you have to see him for exactly who he proves he is day by day...IF your husband or my wife had only one leg...Do you think we would engage them like they had two? (Do you want to race me?) No, we would never be so ignorant, or hurtful...
But we get up and start doing life like our spouse's mind is normal.....Just because some one can work, and is gifted in certain area's doesn't mean they can handle their emotions....
We have to accept that they are who they are, and that isn't going to change....At that point, we will learn to see the missing leg, and stop expecting them to grow it back over night....We have to live on guard of their reality...Just like we have to do for ourselves....
The person who hates the conflict the most, will be the one who has to change....Because we are the only one's who see ourselves....
Why do you think this site is predominately Nons?? It's because our spouses are fine.....See how that works?
Bravo.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I'm clapping after reading your post. You have a way with words, C.
- Adele
Yes, thank you. I'm taking
Submitted by ungit on
Yes, thank you. I'm taking notes. I agree with Adele, you certainly have a way with words. I appreciate you sharing your wisdom that is at once practical and straightforward and yet profound. I am learning more from you than I have from months of therapy lol. Thank you. One last set of questions, if I may, how do you find joy? How do you deal with the disappointment and regret? How do you stop hating your spouse? I'm trying very hard to find compassion for my husband, and it is difficult, maybe because I am so tired and traumatized but I hope that someday I will feel compassion for him.
Questions....
Submitted by c ur self on
Joy...Joy is a fruit of the Spirit...So I have to stay on my knee's and seek it from the Father...My prayers are simply to be saved from my carnal thinking, and have a mind renewed in the living Christ...
Disappointment and regret? When I feel overcome with disappointment, I try to count my blessings...Where would I be without God's faithfulness to me...Where would my spouse be without someone who see's past her pain, past her insane urges and habits, and still desires to be kind and love her...Life isn't easy, but, I find I only grow when I endure the temptations....Count it all Joy!
Regret....I find most of my regrets in life, comes from the times I might have thoughtlessly and selfishly hurt others...Just because I might could have had a different future (as for as closeness, unity and easy of living goes) with someone who has less struggles with responsibility, I refuse to think that way...It can rob me of being effective in life and the person I chose....I have two beautiful healthy daughters, two strong healthy step sons...Wonderful son in laws, and a daughter in law...Four grandchildren that are between 1 and 12....And my wife and I are both crazy about them all...If my marriage ends, I just want to know it was the best thing for us....(One, or both of us just refused to live in a way peace can be had in a God honoring marriage)...I want my heart to be tender toward her and all people...It takes more than my ability for that to happen....I hear you dear friend....You are my friend now, I claim you! :)...I will pray for you, that you can look inside your self, and find the person you were created to be!
Blessings
c
One other thing.....
Submitted by c ur self on
( I am so tired and traumatized but I hope that someday I will feel compassion for him.)
This has to stop...You must get off the eggshells, and you must find the power to not participate in any actions are dialogue that isn't kind and peaceful...It's not a sign of weakness to walk away...It's a sign of great strength!....When a man (or women) is demanding, loud, bullying to intimidate...The only way to have a positive impact on them is with wisdom and discipline....If you see it as his problem, walk away, and never give him an audience for his show....It may take a bit, but, he will finally have to own it....
That's how you find the power of compassion!...When you refuse to be drug into, or be part of the problem...
c
Thank you. One of the things
Submitted by ungit on
Thank you. One of the things I'm working on for myself is trying not to be so annoyed and speak kindly, even if it's a request I've made or instruction I've given many many times. This is very difficult for me because I feel so overburdened with the uneven responsibilities of keeping the house and raising the children. I like things clean and orderly. Not sure if you're familiar with the enneagram, but I am an Enneagram type 1 (orderly, stubborn, perfectionists.) Order is a an important focus of my personality, it's crucial to my sense of well-being and happiness. My husband is an Enneagram 3 with adhd (3s are notoriously messy, proud, and also stubborn.) Our therapist said that my husband and I are exactly opposite orientated and that our pairing is a very challenging one. We already knew that lol. I have largely given up perfectionism, my focus is on "good enough is good enough." I try to have patience but when it runs out I can sound rather mean when I have to remind him of something for what feels like the hundredth time. If I don't ask him and remind him to help with the responsibilities, he just won't on his own accord. It just doesn't occur to him. And if I don't ask him to help, it's too much work for me. So I'm stuck having to ask him. We've tried many things, lists, charts etc, and they all lose effectiveness and I have to resort to asking and reminding. I try very hard to ask nicely as if it's the first time asking but it's very difficult. For example, he has very few responsibilities around the house because I just can't depend on him to consistently do much of anything, but one of them is to take out the trash. We've been living together for 5 years and this has always been his one responsibility around the house. To this day, our trash cans will overflow and pile up. Sometimes I wait to see how long it takes for him to do it but if it gets to the point where it gets disgusting, I empty and bag the trash and set it in the garage by the back door so he can get it on his way out. There is often a pile of trash by the garage door. Sometimes I don't pick it up but I'll remind him to pick it up and I try to ask in a kind way even though this has been his one chore for years. It is very hard not to lose my patience but I try. Anyway, what often causes our fights is when I don't have it in me to ask or remind or explain something nicely. I would say that 90% of our fights happen because he doesn't like "the way" I said something because I've lost my patience. When he feels disrespected it triggers his rage. I feel like I'm losing my mind because it takes so much effort to constantly exercise my patience and when I just can't, all hell breaks loose. It's hard not to get depressed with this kind of existence.
Ah Yeah; about those instructions....LOL...
Submitted by c ur self on
My enneagram top 3 scores are (98% Eight)...(89%One)...(81% two)...My wife is a 7....All of our children knew it before she took the test :)...The fact is you and I are very similar in personality...Complete opposites from our spouses....I married my wife, moved her into a very organized and clean house....It's to bad we can't share photo's on this site :)...I battled it and fought it until I realized I was destroying our relationship...We have boundaries, and we have acceptance, that's the best I can hope for....Is our lives together more important than her messy hoarding ways?...Yes...So I had to ***get over it*** But, with boundaries....She can't put anything on my side of the bedroom, I want ride in her messy car, barring an emergency, and I drive...When I catch myself picking up behind her, I immediately put things back like she left it...And there are others like no sharing finance's and no doing taxes together...Things I enacted after a few years of trying to be a wise husband and leader...But all I encountered with her, was her doing what she wanted, then when it caused problems blaming me....So that one was easy (taxes)....Now my taxes are done a month are two before deadline, and I get money back...She paid 7,000 dollars last year and was doing her taxes all day on the last day (remember we even had an extension)....
I under stand about having an orderly focus...Same here, but, you can decide what is the most important...Because you will NEVER change him, even if he was capable...One thing you have to understand...And this is just the way of life and marriage...All marriages.....The person who refuses, or is incapable of doing the work is always the winner!...Always!....You can't live in the same space with a non-worker and expect things to flow smoothly and evenly...If one wants sex 3 or 4 times a week, and one will only agree to once a week, then you are going to have it once a week...If you marry a messy person, then the organized spouse it going to endure messiness...Most of us (people like you and I) jump right to cleaning up behind them (So wrong!) like they were children, and then catching their anger, and blame because they can't find their junk where they left it...You can never win! Never!
It took me years to learn her messiness wasn't going to kill me...But it was making an emotional wreck out of me, thinking she would are could change....Our kitchen table?...(Boundary)...When she cover's it with junk and mail, I pile it on top of her other junk in order to keep at least one third of it clean for me to eat...Until you come to accept that he is going to ***BE WHO HE IS*** you will suffer, and there is no hope to stop the fighting and arguing...Bottom line....
Before we consider leaving or breaking up our marriage and families we should consider working things out with boundaries....You said you had a counselor...Do this with him/her present....Keep the whole thing calm, but, let him know in front of your husband that you are going to live your life, the way you think it should be lived...Tell the counselor in front of your husband, that you want to accept him, but, he MUST accept you...And since y'all are so different that you will be putting boundaries in place to allow both of you to live and let live!....There has to be respect for the boundaries, insist on it in front of the counselor...Don't let him side track it with rabbit trails, keep it calm, and to the point...To many words in sensitive subjects just causes stress...Refrain from making his way of living a bad thing (hard one for people like you and I) it's not our way, if we lived that way, we would think we had turned lazy, and basically sorry :)...But, consider his feelings, and live and let live...Hard words can't be unsaid...And you, like myself have probably had to repent about things that we said in anger....It's just no good future when we don't focus on love, respect, and boundaries for our difference's, which are many sadly....
c
Here is a common scenario
Submitted by ungit on
Here is a common scenario that I struggle to cope with: when we fight, my husband can get irrationally nasty. He often loses his temper and launches into a battery of aggressive verbal assaults. While he has never struck me or threatened to, his expression of rage is very physical, yelling, stomping, slamming things, turning red, fuming, just all around fury. He is not able to relent/acknowledge/reason when he is in this state. The next morning he'll get up and go to work and go about his day as if nothing happened, and without having said anything to me all day he'll call me on the way home from work and ask cheerfully if I need anything from the store. If I react in any way that doesn't match his enthusiasm he accuses me of being grumpy/moody and not "letting things go." Half the time he doesn't even remember that we had a fight or what he said or did to me during the fight. All he can remember is that I "made him mad." It's always my fault, his behavior towards me is always justified in his eyes. It's traumatizing for me to be completely frank. I swing between a state of believing him and feeling guilty and hating him for how horrible he is to me. I do not know how to let it go.
ungit
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
The common scenario which you described is much like what used to happen between my ex husband and I. He would rage and rage, face beet red, carotid artery sticking out on his neck. Didn't matter what triggered his anger, it was ALWAYS my fault. As you said, the next day he would act like nothing happened, almost as if he'd blacked out and couldn't remember.
I always wished that I'd gotten the episodes on video.
Not saying that your situation is the same as mine was. I found that I could not continue to live the way that I was living. I was exhausted emotionally and had low self worth, believing that if only I were a better person he wouldn't do what he did. After a decade of this, I left. I felt no guilt for doing so, because I knew that I'd done all that I could.
Thank you so much for sharing
Submitted by ungit on
Thank you so much for sharing. It really does help to know that I'm not alone or crazy. I also feel emotionally exhausted and low self worth. I barely remember the person I was before this relationship. I sometimes catch my reflection in a mirror and I don't recognize myself I look so sad and tired and spent. I wish I could leave but as of now I can't and I have to try to survive and make the best of things. That's where I'm trying to put my focus.
New to thos website
Submitted by TRC on
P., thank you for your post. As an ADHD spouse, I think that my spouse (&life partner for@30 years) having these opportunities for Non-ADHD spouses offered on this cite would have helped her considerably to be heard seen and acknowledged.
We came from a generation unaccustomed to knowing of ADHD, let alone TX; as such, congrats to you and your husband for supporting your son's journey with ADHD---contributing to his success (and satisfaction).
Resources wise, a # of persons in my "DBT/Mindfulness" class were over 50 (i'm 62). Fellow classmates and I commented how these practical skills were never taught to us (had they been, it would have been of significant usefulness to our mariage, profession, and self awareness of self and others in communications).
Its taken me some time to find the right medication balance; in fact, I discovered that I was taking too small a dose of Adderal and its effect was compromised by Ativan, which I took prn for anxiety. Ext. Release Adderal has been a good suggestion as it can leave the body in 3 to 3.5 hours). Last, J. (My wife) has come with me to my required medication protocol with psychiatrist--this has been extremely helpful. I thought Ned Hallowell and his wife's book re: their long term marriage was extremely insightful (Melissa Orlov assisted them). The short film on this website of 3 l-term couples living with Adult ADHD to be excellent.
Best to you and yours. Be safe and well, Thomas
Phillipa
Submitted by Brindle on
I know what you mean by being completely wiped out and sometimes you don't care anymore. But then you find yourself doing something to try to make it better, and you might even wonder why you're bothering!
Many hugs of understanding to you. I hope we both find some improvement someday. For now, I sometimes approach this marriage like an arranged marriage - with the goal to learn about my husband so that I can be the wife he needs, but not expecting the marriage to be a fulfilling romance.
Wecome to the site!