I wish I knew how to talk to my spouse about her anger, which I feel is growing out of control for the last 3 years. I can see and understand the things that cause that initial spark... but we haven't yet gotten to a place where we can cap off or even talk about her runaway anger. She says dozens of things which she tells me later aren't true. She spits out hurtful names and slams her hands on the tabletop. I see sweat beading down her face. She switches to 30 seconds of crying and then starts screaming again.
Most saddening of all is how often an angry episode will "ruin" the rest of her day. Or her entire work week. Today there was 45 minutes back-and-forth, sparked by a mess I had left in the basement. Now she's up in bed at 1:30 in the afternoon. I know that I can't go ask her: How do we get back on track? How can we make this day better? I'm sorry, how can I make it up to you?" Her response will be, "Nope! You've screwed my entire day." So in bed she will stay, sleeping, tossing around, or flipping through Facebook on her phone to look at posts from friends and wallow in sadness and envy. Later, she'll grab a quick dinner without talking to me, and binge on Netflix until bed. The fights that hurt most wind up ruining her week. I'll get a text: "7 PM and I'm still at my desk. Not getting anything done because of you and lack of sleep." "Hope you're ready for me to work on Saturday, thanks again." "You never think of me and how much I have to do. I told you about this project last week." "Couldn't sleep and got in late to work, all because of you. Again!"
When she's in this state, anything I do makes it worse, it seems. If I try to take a break in the next room -- I've scurried away like a mouse. If I say that I understand that was wrong -- bald-faced liar. If I ask her to do anything, sit down, take a deep breath -- don't boss me around like I'm some moron. If I make any one of a dozen weird, flustered, or inappropriate gestures -- drama queen. If she storms off and I approach her later and ask how she's feeling -- what do you f----- think, after what you did to me?
I would love to have her step back and think about her own anger... read a book... see a therapist (not in a million years)... or just find the words to open up an interesting and meaningful conversation about untangling her own anger. There are things in life that frustrate her besides her ADHD spouse, and I know that we don't spend enough time talking about those either. But none of these will get untangled, just sit in the background like a malignant lump, and it's my hand, mine only, holding the string that'll pull it to the forefront. She can't and won't help it.
Advice or thoughts... anybody...
Sympathies
Submitted by rricenator on
I am so sorry that I don't have any useful suggestion. But I sympathize. My wife has bipolar A, and has put up with my untreated symptoms for 16 years. I get "go away, don't touch me" fllowed by "where were you when I needed you to hold me"
If I speak, my voice is nails on a chalkboard, if I reach out it's like an electric cattle prod. She knows we need counseling, but cries that we can't afford it. Maybe your wife has more going on than just frustration with you? I'm so sorry.
Possible Scenario
Submitted by Soft_Owl on
"Today there was 45 minutes back-and-forth, sparked by a mess I had left in the basement."
Going out on a limb here, please hang in there with me I couldn't possibly know your whole situation.
It might be helpful to connect up the number of times there was no follow-through, or a project wasn't started within a reasonble amount of time after it was conceived. The frustrations a non-ADD partner have are cumulative, not situational. There are only so many times one can experience disappointment before they feel they've become invisible to the ADD partner. The complicated part is that the ADD partner does not really know "how" to manage their time, their efforts or their focus. Yet, time management, commitment to a project or a promise and the focus to complete whatever it is, is imperative to the relationship issue of: trust.
So where does one go from there? I'm trying to work on this in my own relationship currently. My frustrations (as a non-ADD partner) is it feels as if my ADD partner is willing to admit he has ADD but isn't willing to admit he has it 24/7 - 365 and that it influences ALL of his behavior ALL of the time. I suppose this might be due to a self protective mechanism that wants to shout "I'm not all screwed up ALL the time." Yet, the problems in our relationship are almost always have the same source, the same backlash, the same frustration and the same lack of a solution.
I would like my partner to "accept" he has ADD to the extent he relies on my for things like time management, planning and scheduling. I would like him to be pleased that someone is taking these difficult responsibilities from him... but here's the catch: He cannot be angry, resistant, obstinate, dismissive or ignore the plan that is written on the wall that we have BOTH agreed is a reasonable plan. He has to do the things assigned to him, in the order assigned, in the timeframe allotted BECAUSE we have BOTH had input into a realistic plan with realistic expectations.
Offer this option to your partner and see if something good comes of it.... I'll try to re-post as we go along in our relationship to let you know how this works (or does not work) for us.
"The frustrations a non-ADD
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
"The frustrations a non-ADD partner have are cumulative, not situational."
Soft Owl, I swear this is the key for my situation. As much as everyone says to let go of the past hurts, when they are continually repeated it becomes a much bigger hurt overall. My husband is very much an "In the Moment" guy - he has *only* situational awareness when things happen. He doesnt remember that the same problems existed the day before, and the day before and the week before etc... You can only let things roll off your back so much. Its one thing when your ADHD spouse is working towards management and makes mistakes and slips up, but its a whole other thing completely when that same spouse isnt bothering to try and leaving things to chance.
When my husband is actually trying - and its clear by his actions, I have all the patience in the world. And honestly, he doesnt slip up much. But when he is in the hole, and has his mask on (my way to separate behavior from the person) - those "slip ups" are near constant. Being around him is like being around a pot of water that is about to break into a strong boil of anger. He doesnt shout, or get violent in any way, but he becomes very passive aggressive, and contemptuous. He recently in the past few months has made enormous strides. Enough so that it has changed my perception of him. However, if he falls back into those negative behaviors and treatment of me - my perception can go right back to what it was before and I will take the actions I was taking before as well. I think that while to me - the behavior has cumulative hurt, for him all he see's is an angry unhappy wife and he cannot connect the dots. To him, it is an over-reaction and a queue to make him think that he cannot ever do right by me, and is broken beyond repair. Where for me - situationally it absolutely IS an overreaction (and probably nothing that even deserved a reaction on its own) but I am not hurting from the moment it self, I am hurting from the added up moments that were the same hurt over and over - even when I have worked to get past it the LAST time. Bad moves on both our parts. Bad patterns totally.
So basically - in a nutshell, I suffer anger and hurt and fear from his past actions that he committed over and over (threatening to leave, leaving), and then he responds to an increasing level of resentment and anger from me - not understanding that its not just the "one time" but its "all the times put together". Especially after him giving good talk about not doing those things, and then as soon as a crisis comes up - he is back to doing the threat of leaving/leaving thing again. This I think is a huge missing gap that he and I are not really addressing.
While I really like your plans - my husband takes ideas like that as controlling him. Even though it really isnt - not when he agrees to it and can see that it affects everything else. My husband has a real problem with control that is unrelated to the ADHD. That leaves us at a point that basically he has to decide to stand up and be a grown up and own his own crap. He has to figure on his own that acting as an adult means doing what you say you are going to do, following through with your commitments and keeping your promises (or dont make them). Most people figure this out early in life, as they become mature adults - but he never really had that chance. Recently - he seems to be taking baby steps towards those realizations though. He has done a few things that I find absolutely incredible and unexpected (aknowledgeing and seeking support for an addiction he always denied previously, contributing to the home, taking ownership of his own physical health) and it has had a huge impact on my own views of him. I hope he can continue to rise up. its not easy, and I am sure there will be times that he slips up. And what *I* can do is become situationally aware, and try to ignore that cumulative hurt.
Its really given me some concepts to consider in my communications with him. Thanks!