Many of us get caught up in overthinking and over analyzing our spouse's lives...The product of this is destructive (stress, anxiety, depression) to our own mental, emotional and physical health...After reading here for many years and being subjected to my wife's lived out life 16 years, I have realized the pressure and reality of not being able to get to a place that is healthy, a place of sharing and trust has left it's mark on me....Over thinking, Over analyzing, it can start new everyday if we are not careful...I feel like all the work (acceptance, boundaries, refusing egg shells, my own life focus) I have put in has helped me over the years w/ my own stress levels, when it comes to over thinking....But, if I am honest w/ myself, I am not taking a totally healthy mind into our separation, far from it....And most of us here would probably agree, not many could...But, I do want to be free from the overthinking...I would like to breathe w/out invading thoughts about her life!....Of course this over thinking is self inflicted, but, I have found it very HARD to stop! ...Just to be free from the daily unknown w/ her, the daily inability to trust, to communicate with, to approach the person who I was suppose to be able to approach all these years, I think will be a huge relief mentally and emotionally....It doesn't mean I will stop caring, it just means that the way she lives everyday, (Independently controlling) will now more match how she will live, (alone)....She isn't here, when she's here....If you know what I mean....
Please be careful about allowing your minds to overthink and over analyzing your spouse's lives....It's in our own best interest...And we can't do one thing about it....If love, prayer, and being a responsible example in life doesn't impact them, then we can't, in any good way that is!
Blessings to all...
c
Very true
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Trying to understand the ADHD mind certainly can make one ruminate endlessly with no conclusion.
I now post divorce perceive ADD's effect on my life most of all as a void. When speaking to children's friends' parents and attending child activities, I get a notion of how our family has always differed from others, and it's the negatives that strike me. No we could never do this. No, we have never pursued that. No we usually didn't. Travel. Social gatherings. Hobbies. Sport. Now he's gone too, I'm grieving and I have no one to share my parenthood with, but even so I feel like I've woken up from a bad dream.
What did we do all those years?
Dear C, I think of you. I hope the dissolution of your marriage will be kind on you. Hopefully what she did and didn't will fade into history and release your thoughts. It's very understandable that our minds lock in the conflict of differing minds though, isn't it? And especially at this hard time. I'm so sorry about the pressure you describe.
thank you SC....
Submitted by c ur self on
Step one is for her to be in a place that suits her life style...Anyone who has such a disdain for marriage responsibilities (and refuses them) shouldn't have to look at a spouse everyday...I know if I was her, I would have been gone...But, she is more concerned about the fallout, plus, she knows I'm no threat, I make her life easy...It's obvious she was expecting this day (Day I asked her to leave) she went right to work getting her empty house ready to move into...Although I know w/ her add, it will take all summer....(last minute mind)
The reason I asked her to leave is totally based on her refusal and disdain for marriage responsibilities, and refusal to communicate openly about her reality of living....(not her add)....
I would never attempt it again, unless there was REAL change...Real heart change....Real repentance...Real awareness...Total ownership of words and behaviors....There would have to an ability to communicate calmly about the important things of this life, and agree totally about marriage roles....(Biblical)
No defensiveness, No defiant controlling spirit...So I know this would be a miracle....
I wish you well swedish coast, I know it must be difficult raising children alone...But hopefully the environment is healthier for all of you....Marriage is a great life, it's work, but it should be our happiest work...When two people love, honor and respect each other it's a beautiful life...But, any marriage where selfishness and a self centered mind is present, it's mostly a life of pain, disappointment and discouragement...
c
Speaking openly
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Speaking openly, I agree, that would have been so helpful. Awareness. Ability to speak calmly about the facts of life. I have divorced for the same reasons exactly.
When I Can't Control Something, I Get Angry
Submitted by J on
Hi C, I'm sorry to hear about you're situation as I know you've tried very hard to make things work with you're wife. As far as you overthinking and wanting to do something about it, the comment I just made in response about control and getting angry actually is a quote from my girlfriends son when asked why he doesn't watch the news. He has ADHD along his his mother. He explained, when he watches the news, he sees things that upset him that he can't control....."amd when I can't control something, I get angry." Taking him at face value, I think this is also true for him. It's also telling for me since he and his mom are very alike in a lot of ways. I know for a fact, I've said these words on this forum in the past..."it seems like, the less she can control me, the angrier she gets." I have my own issues with ruminating and getting into negative thought patterns. I've also discovered ( exactly what I've been told and have read ) that stopping these negative thoughts and venting about things actually works. By simply changing the negative to a positive, it actually attracts more positivity and helps break that cycle. By not engaging in venting, complaining or any other negative thoughts...it actually works quite well to stop the negative ruminating and I feel so much better. Venting, really only makes me feel worse not better. It certainly takes practice but it does become a self fulfilling prophecy in a relatively short period of time.
And what I observe in my girlfriends son is that he does like to complain a lot. For him, I think it's a habit that he seems fully aware of. He admits it and admits he's angry a lot. I haven't said anything to him but I thought this little story might be helpful to you. Clearing my mind of negativity when ever it starts creeping in has also become a habit. Not needing to control things is a good place to start.
I wish you all the best. Take care.
J
Thank you J....
Submitted by c ur self on
My self inflicted boundary concerning my emotions 12 years are so ago...Sent me from not engaging her w/ negativity and anger, to using self talk and soliloqies to get my frustrations vented....I have worked/prayed a lot about stopping this habit, as it also just increases stress levels...When our frustrations are built around uncaring acts, disrespect, and other wrong behaviors, it's hard to put in to practice a "positivity flip", because there is nothing positive about it...But, you are right about it being a form of control...In my mind there is only two things that I can do....I can accept that my life doesn't matter enough to her, for her to discipline her life in area's that relate to respect and responsible living as my wife....Or I can slide out of the picture....I've lived peacefully and accepting for years now....But, the self centered (life is about me) behaviors are lived out daily...So as bad as I hate it, I'm going to slide out of the picture....
When there is no crutch...The total responsibilities of life (along w/ introspection that can come more readily by being alone) have a way of creating awareness, and accountability....I only wish her well...
c
The end
Submitted by adhd32 on
I have been on this forum for 7 years and have appreciated your honesty. It took me a long time to realize that your approach of acceptance and boundaries, are the only sane way to go when living with an ADHD spouse. No amount of pleading, hope, or helping can change another person. One must see their spouse for who they are and ask themselves: can I live like this forever if they can't or refuse to work on themselves??
Clinging to hope while the adhd spouse feels entitled to live in their own world is unrealistic for a healthy marriage.. IMO, so is separating lives with protections against nearly every obstacle to reduce the fall out. If I cannot trust someone, a spouse or a friend, to have my back and to work alongside me on the same team, I need to assess the reasons I am associated with them at all. The thought of living in a relationship with walls built so high to prevent the intrusion of someone who is supposed to love you and is so self-focused is really ridiculous if you think about it. No one is going to get a prize for enduring a long time relationship of verbal abuse and cleaning up messes, literally and figuratively, for 20 or 30 years until their health is failing from all the stress.
We can love someone and not like the way they live, but that doesn't mean we have to stay yoked to the chaos forever. Making hard choices to save our selves is good self care, not abandonment. We were abandoned by our spouses long ago but continued to fight for the relationship we thought we had and had no idea what happened when we became part of the furniture. We cannot change someone yet accepting them in their actual state rather than what they first presented is not a marriage requirement, especially if they do nothing to improve the relationship. Nor is taking on all responsibilities when they try to become a dependent rather than a fully functioning spouse, ready and willing to sit beside you rowing as hard they can.
Therapy is important for the non spouse to figure out why a life with an unwilling participant of a spouse has been acceptable to them. Why are/were we so accepting of doing everything or living with so many boundaries because we were with someone so untrustworthy that they could not think of anything but their own comfort and desires? We wouldnt accept this treatment from strangers, we work on ourselves to discover why we accept/ed it in our relationship.
Abandoned
Submitted by Swedish coast on
"We were abandoned by our spouses long ago but continued to fight for the relationship we thought we had"
That moves me. That is so true.
adhd32
Submitted by c ur self on
I know I have been in a bad relationship from the beginning....And I agree with everything you said here...Also, when I think about you (your posts) I see a intelligent lady, a lady who see's reality quiet clearly...But like myself has experienced the unwanted arrow's to her heart....
The reason I stayed for 16 years is simple (for me)...In simple terms....16 years ago I took a vow to God, and my wife...I was the one between the two of us that was married (for better or worse, in sickness and health, until death we do part)....I am sliding out of the picture now, because I think she should not have me to use as a crutch for her irresponsibility in all area's of life...My hopes are that she will at least come to grips with her own reality...I hope someday she will be able to SEE...
Bless you friend for your insight and kind words...
c
Crutch
Submitted by Swedish coast on
A thoughtful observation. Being somebody's crutch takes a lot of patience. If nothing is offered in return, and the helped one mainly spends their time enjoying themselves elsewhere, it's hard to keep up the help.