Want to feel better about how you navigate conflict in your relationship? Here’s a four-part approach, based on Internal Family Systems (IFS), that will help you listen to what’s going on inside yourself and receive your partner’s words more easily. 

Step 1: Pause and drop your anchor

A therapist once kindly asked a friend of mine, “Why don’t you try under reacting?” That was good advice to someone who often got defensive when interpersonal waters got choppy. This friend knew his defensiveness reliably worsened his situation, but was having trouble lessening his negative responses.

Taking the therapist’s advice, my friend learned to ‘drop anchor’ by stopping to notice his emotions before speaking.  By pausing he could take a moment to calm his own nervous system and find clarity before responding. Dropping anchor, and pausing, is the most important (and sometimes hardest!) first action in diminishing defensiveness.

The expression Don’t Put Your Sails in The Wind suggests the next good choice. If you keep your sails rolled up and tied down, your partner’s upset energy will blow on through, still rocking your boat perhaps, but not taking you on that wild ride you know so well.

But…how do you do this?

Step 2: Identify the parts of you that lead to defensiveness

Anchoring comes more easily after we’ve done some ‘inside’ work. My favorite approach is parts work, from the Internal Family Systems approach to healing and change. It can help us identify and acknowledge the parts of us that usually show up first during conflict.

Many of us have what might be called a “first responder,” and the energy and strategy of first responder parts can vary between individuals. Do you have any of these when conflict arises?

• An inner voice that says “Oh, yeah!? Well, let me tell you what you…” This first responder part is like a courtroom attorney, ready to argue
• A stonewalling part that shows up first, with an inner message, “I don’t have to put up with this!” and an impulse to leave the scene
• A part stays put but mentally and emotionally checks out, and an inner attitude of “Whatever"
• Or a sad, downcast pat shows up first, with a pouty, “Now look how bad you’ve made me feel!” energy

You can develop a kind of radar for these internal dynamics. Stay curious, and you’ll begin to notice the parts of you that “hoist the sails” and keep you locked into a defensive style, even when you would prefer not to be. Growing your awareness of your ‘first responders’ (or your ‘protective parts’, etc) is an ‘inside’ job.  Once you observe these dynamics you can start to come to terms with (and perhaps heal) what drives them. This process of ‘befriending’ your various parts (and their roles for you) provides a foundation for making fundamental changes in how you respond to your partner.  You may need the help of an IFS professional as you go through this process.

Step 3: Practice unblending from your first responders 

You’ve identified your first responder parts, and you have opted to get to know them better. You understand what they do and the hopes and fears that motivate them. You likely remember when, in your past, they first showed up to help. As you have ‘befriended’ your parts they have also gotten to know you better.  Now they are willing to let you have a turn managing conflicts with your partner. You’re ready to practice, and your relationship soon provides an opportunity. Things are heating up, and your preparation is already paying off. You begin to notice the energy of your first responder part, suiting up and getting ready. Perhaps that’s just noticing a physical energy in your body, or words coming into your mind, or the way your breath changes. Inwardly, you invite your part to remember it is going to let you try. The energy inside you shifts. Perhaps you’re now a bit more open-hearted, and less frightened. You feel some curiosity toward the brewing situation instead of feeling defensive.

Step 4: Choose your focus – listen with intention

The storm is underway, and the waters are choppy. But your sails are battened down, and you notice a difference. You can see that your partner is a lovable person, in fact someone you do love, who is currently angry, speaking loudly, and glaring at you. And though you can feel a sense of threat about that, it’s on your back burner. So, what do you do with this neurological regulation you’ve developed? What’s useful to you, to your partner, to the whole of the situation? 

We can all listen in more than one way. When someone is being angry toward us, there is a lot of information coming. Our first responders prioritize the information of threat, and it’s often present in our partner’s behavior: angry facial expressions, sharp and loud vocalizations, statements of blame or accusation. However, when your first responder parts are giving you space, your energy begins to shift. Qualities of calmness, compassion, and curiosity emerge. Now you can practice listening for the information of vulnerability. You are able to ask yourself, “What’s really at the bottom of this? What vulnerability is their anger protecting?” Listening with one intention - to notice the hurt feelings behind the angry feelings - opens a new horizon and new ways to interact. Can you imagine being calm and curious enough to ask your partner, “Would you like me to hear your anger, and try to listen for what’s important?” Can you imagine your partner’s experience of being invited to try that?

What’s next?

Would it be great for your partner to never storm at you? Sure. Would it be great for you to have a better time when it happens? To remain present, curious, and able to see and practice some good options? Definitely.

Each of the four steps are truly rewarding, but not effortless or immediate. Your first responder parts have been rehearsing their jobs for a long time. The support of an Internal Family Systems practitioner or therapist can help you befriend your parts, setting the stage for the real-time practice your relationship is inviting you to do. In the meantime, please start trying to notice the first responder parts inside you.

Jason Weber, M.Ed, LPCC-S, LICDC-CS is a consultant with ADHD & Marriage Consulting who focuses on Internal Family Systems work with couples and individuals. Jason is a Certified IFS Therapist and IFS Institute Approved Clinical Consultant. He will run an IFS couples’ support group on getting away from parent/child dynamics starting in January, 2025.  When not working with ADHD & Marriage, he provides online therapy and IFS consultation at www.jasonwebertherapy.com