My husband’s job reduced his salary over a year ago and he did not tell me. We split joint account and contribute a percentage of our incomes to the acct to cover our expenses. He earns a lot less so his amount is less. This system was suggested by our family counselor bc he has been so inconsistent with financial contributions the past decade plus of our marriage. He promises to pay for nannies raise, or nanny increase once our second son was born, or part of monthly rent and then time comes and he expects me to pick up and pay his share because once again :he cant” due to circumstances out of his control or his lack of earnings and I always did. Fast forward we have two young boys and buy a house and I put down a six figure down payment and he promises to pay 60% of mortgage when due. Guess what when it is due his job reduced him to no salary and commission only and he has no commissions apparently past six plus months (earned and/or saved) so he has no money for joint account expenses like kids school groceries for our kids nanny ( since i work full time) all bills even his own his car 's car insurance I had to pay December 2013 (bc/ it is on mine and he announced he could not pay it so i had to pay his and MINE from savings to keep my car ins) GA power, scana , water cable food etc wtc. All gets dumped on me six months ago with no notice and no time for me to save at all. Just matter of fact, i have no money to contribute so.....( very similar to past decade of relying on him financially to carry his weight and contribute.) he also cant pay his promised 60% of our current mortgage now. Ironically the month it would have started is the month he said he lost his salary entirely and had no money at all to contribute to joint family expenses or the mortgage) We would have lost our house!!!! I was stunned. So guess who had to jump in once again and was expected to pay my 40% plus his 60% and ALL expenses with no notice. I am now paying $35k plus per year that I had not anticpated. bc he can pay nothing. I am pulling from savings each month and super stressed but so far, doing it all. He has his groceries paid for his house paid for and all etc plus all of the kids expenses . He is going to office each day but earns nothing. I also pay a nanny. He has looked for work past five months and only interviewed once in person and once on ohone and received no offers. I feel he should(and come up with this on his own accord and want to earn something for kids even if not for me and to help me ) at least get a part time job on weekends and have interviewed to see what if any is out there that he could get , before or after the work day at this point. Even earning min. Wage would at least contribute something and at least cover his own needs. He says he doesnt want to quit his job now bc it looked better to have a job to find one so he cant take some thing during work day. Again he is earning nothing at his job and nothing in near future commissions projected. He now wants me to give even more money, he wants me to give him MORE money on TOP…. of picking up his portion of joint living expense…...paying entire mortgage.....paying nanny kids school and all associated w/kids needs, activities , clothing, bday gifts etc and house that he just dumped on…. .....And car insurance for him and xmas Presents for his family (all items in past he…...... uses his earnings to pay) and causing me to ...drain savings to cover. He wants money now for gas ....for his car cleaners et.c. yet I am floored he would even ask or expect this vs earning something six plus months later now. Min wage if he must. I feel That is not right and not fair I am already completely stressed ...paying his share for all else and using my hard earne….d savings . he could get a min wage job if ...necessary outside of work hours or else and feel ...natural consequences of his actions or lack thereof vs expecting this now from me on top of ALL else i am forced to pay now.He knows his expenses and has been without an income for six plus months now and known for a year plus and had plenty of time to plan how to earn something vs once again me….. swooping in and paying it all for him when he again drops the ball.. THis time the stakes are higher though, a house we could have lost and kids needs that must be med and fed. Sugestions? Advice? I love him but am floored. I read about loving detachment but it is tough to do.
Prioritize and stick to it
Submitted by sunlight on
Prioritize and pay what you must (bills, necessary items for children etc) and NO to:
- car insurance for him (after the current insurance period expires) - you cannot afford it if it depletes your savings. You might think about whether partial payment from him would be possible if he can find some kind of paid work, but only if you can afford it.
- xmas (or birthday) presents for his family
- gas .... only enough for to/from work/job activities, no recreational extras. If you go out as a family, you drive your car, his stays on the driveway unless he puts gas in it.
- car cleaners (!!!!)
Tell him that luxuries are not happening until savings have been rebuilt. That he cannot have what is not there, and that, in no uncertain terms, you will NOT ALLOW him to put at risk your children's wellbeing by asking you to use your savings.
Yes, it will be tough. It will be unpleasant. He may, probably will, make life miserable for quite a while. But it will be worse if you don't do it - he will bleed you dry and it seems from your description that you have a real possibility that you will lose the house by fulfilling his demands. Unfortunately people with ADHD can have real difficulty anticipating and understanding future consequences of their actions. In this case he is an adult and would probably land on his feet, but your children do not deserve the damage to their wellbeing that he will (albeit unintentionally) inflict if allowed to carry on unchecked. Put your children first.
Thank you for posting. That
Submitted by BFFJ on
BFFJ
Submitted by sunlight on
I hope that you can find friends or family, or someone to talk with other than your family counsellor, while all this is going on - even just bouncing ideas back and forth. Don't be ashamed of what is happening, isolation will make the whole thing far worse.
If you haven't already, you might try impressing on your husband that you will both have to look at downsizing the house as a way to curtail expenses. It might get his attention. A sale under your control would certainly be better than limping all the way to a foreclosure.
You mentioned that he goes into work even though there are no prospects of salary or commissions. Are you sure he goes there? He admitted losing his salary only when he absolutely had to. It just seems rather odd that an employer might allow someone to be in their premises when they are not actually being paid (eg many firms would think he was acquiring information that he would use when he gets a job at a competitor). Sorry if you already know this isn't the case, but sometimes people who lose jobs are afraid to tell the complete truth and pretend that they're still going work when they are really hanging out elsewhere all day. On the other hand he is right that having a job would look better while he is searching elsewhere.
When you said "he is just
Submitted by frustratedwife on
When you said "he is just extremely good at this" it really hit home. My husband has been taking advantage of me since the beginning of our marriage 7 years ago. He can talk a good game and is very good at manipulating. He has worked less than 40% of the time we have been married (and hasn't contributed even 10% in the past couple of years) and we have slowly drained the savings and cashed in the investments. I have nothing left and have been living month to month on my earnings. I also never thought I'd be one of these girls. When I married I thought it would be a positive thing. I thought life would be financially easier with two people contributing. I thought we would be working together towards our dreams and goals in life. Instead it has fallen on me to do everything and he always has an excuse why he hasn't been able to help...and it's never his fault. On top of that I put up with verbal abuse if I disagree with anything he says or does. I truly can't believe my life has come to this! So I can't say that I can give you any advise but I do feel for you and hope you are able to do what's best for you, your marriage and your kids.
Going through this, too
Submitted by boilergirl on
My husband lost his job last April. He had clients he took with him and has been "working from home" ever since. He has barely made any money. We are scraping by on my part time jobs while I take classes to renew my teaching license so I can look for a full time job. We would have lost the house by now had my parents not, by the grace of God, given each of us kids a gift of money for Christmas because they had a good year with their investments (How did I marry a guy so unlike my upbringing???) But when that runs out, we are screwed. I have seen him in there with work on the computer and he has been saying he will have billing coming in since Oct. I am ready to have a "coming to Jesus" talk with him about telling me the truth, but he tends to walk away from difficult conversations. It is hard to detach when his actions affect your family. Is there any way you can have a serious talk with him? A counselor? That is my last ditch effort. I am trying to find someone to see b/c if he is sitting in the room with someone else, maybe he will listen to what I have to say. Wish I had more advice for you, but I completely understand the anxiety and panic that comes with it.
My heart goes out to you too.
Submitted by BFFJ on
My heart goes out to you too. I totally understand what you mean, it is hard to imagine and understand why things ended up this way and how it plays out, now that we kno about the add and that impact, over a lifetime. I am so sorry for you too. THank you for sharing. It is so tough. We have talked to a counselor but now a days with the economy, I think the counselor just wrote it off to another lost job and did not look at the ADD impact and all. He says he is looking for work all of the time and has head hunters, which I think is true, but I would think, pride wise if nothing else and to know I could at least feed my kids and help contribute something to the household expenses and mortgage bills nanny school, food , groceries, gas etc , that he would get some part time job just to contribute money towards the household and /or towards his own expenses. He says he can't even afford to buy gas in his car. That is extreme How would that right there not prompt you into getting a paying job on off hours doing anything. I am trying to lovingly detach , as suggested, but it is tough. Normally I would have just said here you go and paid for that too, all the while resenting it and wondering how in the world he was ok taking the money vs. going and earning it somehow on his own while he also does a job search now 7 months (and 7 months and going since he earned a penny or at least that he contributed to the house, kids, nanny, and on and on list of expenses....sorry venting but i don't know what a counselor would do. Maybe he has to just figure it out on his own but that is scary and scary for our future, that he thinks this way is 'working' and continues to do the same thing and not get a job outside of work hours, scary for the kids and me included . How do you trust someone that let himself and his family get into this situation, he knew for a year of his decrease in pay and he knew , during that time, no new business was generating amounting to any earnings or commissions apparently for the past seven months and bills don't stop . I am just trying to work hard and be able to support my kids for now and myself but it is not easy. How did we marry someone that seems so different than our upbringing? I am with you. I would NOT be ok for one second , taking a penny from anyone and not earning it . and the second my earnings were stopping or I anticipated a job decrease for a year, I know I would make a plan b, especially with a family to provide for and with my desire to contribute and carry my own weight not expect others to do it for me , vs. just wait until there is nothing and then what?
I definitely agree about
Submitted by dazedandconfused on
I definitely agree about prioritizing.
But the number one lesson that I've learned about living with an ADHDer is that financial independence is key. Otherwise you will lose your mind. I figured out how to cut our spending so that my salary would cover everything. Hubby makes $9/hour in a retail job but at least he has insurance and paid leave now. Having him off my insurance saved me about $240/month. He pays for his gas, lunches, his portion of the phone bill, and a small loan. He does not pay for his car insurance or his motorcycle insurance. I recently downgraded our car insurance (it's wrapped together) so that we could save some money. I also downgraded his motorcycle insurance as he cannot ride the bike until he makes repairs to it. He is a hard worker, don't get me wrong, and takes extra weekend work a lot, but he definitely outspends himself. Do I get left holding the bag? Yup, most times. Does it make me resentful. Yup. I try not to think about it but it's hard sometimes. I know he doesn't make a lot but I wish he would take more responsibility, and not rely on making a deal with the creditor if we don't have all of the money. He unfortunately thinks he can make deals when it doesn't work that way at all.
As for your specific situation, you will definitely have to pull the plug. Though that's easier said than done. I would just tell him that you can't afford to pick up expenses right now as opposed to "get a job and contribute". That will cause an unnecessary argument. I would take a hard look at what you're spending. Do you really need a nanny? I understand working full-time, but a live-in nanny is excessive. I don't know about where you are, but day care costs about $600/month in my area. Probably $900 or a little more for two kids. If you can get a nanny for less than that, I need to get her number! School fees? Are you going private? Not necessary. Most cities have public charter schools nowadays. But I'm a very budget minded person, and certainly don't make a lot of money, so nannies and private school will probably never be in my future. I would just suggest writing down all of your bills and their amounts and due dates, and take a hard look at where you can trim the fat. Desperate times cause for desperate measures unfortunately.