Pompous and arrogant or just confident? So months ago I saw that one of my fave singers would be in town. I splurged on tickets and invited my husband since, after all, we are married. I would have loved to take my girlfriend or sister. I wondered what the "date" would be like, if he would be irritable and ruin it all. Well, the day came, yesterday and I had all planned, printed out directions and picked a great place to eat. First thing he asked is how do we get there. He got irritable when I had directions he was unfamiliar with. I thought, here it goes. So after flailing him arms a few seconds, and seeing that I was firm with him he said ,"fine, whatever". I then shut down, breathe and play music in my head to drown out my wanting to jump out of the car. :) Then he warms up again. Then he got in the wrong lane and was upset that no one would let him back in the right lane and starts snapping his teeth and waving arms around again. It is at this point that I always ask myself WHY I AM SO NICE and once again try this date night thing. I don't know, I just want what others have, maybe? So I keep saying that I really did this for me...after all, I just love Josh Groban! So we get to the restaurant and I post some pics of my food and where we are and he gets a call from his boss "what are you doing" and H looks at me serious, points at my face and says, "YOU HAVE GOT TO STOP POSTING ON FACEBOOK!" I stared him down and deleted HIM from the posting. Wish granted. He apologized and said he felt stalked. He asked if I as mad. I told him that I did just what he wanted. That won't happen again. So much for trying to be a normal couple that does things and sharing with friends. Here is the worst part: We get to the theatre and sat at top of the balcony area. Some people were already there. I joked about how I didn't realize these were nosebleed seats but at least we can still afford our rent. Everyone chuckled and he says, "This is where the cool people sit and just for sitting here..." He breaks out his business card (he is a DJ) and starts giving them out and he says, "You are sitting with a star!" OMG. I hear, "Oh you are a dj". I stayed quiet and stared straight ahead. Does everything have to be about him and his amazingness? This is a date night, right? He also broke out his phone and starts playing a video game. I would love a cultured man, one who was humble and didn't need to pat himself on the back every moment he gets. Time and place for everything. He interrupted a couples romantic breakfast to give them his card since he saw her engagement ring. He also gave it to a waitress years ago and said, "This is who I am." She said, "And who exactly are you?" How about start with saying your name not your title of "the best DJ in the universe?" Such a turn off. Then he held my hand briefly during the concert but its hard to be romantic with behavior like that. I can't fake it. He is a turn off. So, is this charm, conceit, confidence, obnoxious, pompous? He would say he is taking opportunity to make us money but why call yourself a star? Why bring undue attention to yourself? Very ugly. I just breathed deep, said its not a reflection on me and enjoyed the concert so much! I was in heaven and the music filled up my heart so much and took me away to another place for 2 hrs. Would love to be able to enjoy it because I was with him. I would say, this is the last time I do this but that is not me. However, I will do more with my friends like vacation, beach, movies etc. Husband works most evenings so I will go out at those times. He is Djing a wedding where the groom is Irish and I heard from my friends that my H, the DJ is wearing a kilt ALSO. Why??? And he wants to sing to them too. Our friends will say "of course he is wearing a kilt" they will understand and I will sit there breathing deeply knowing that is all about him and not me. Mind you, HE has not told me he is wearing a kilt. Even if he did, the answer is "do what you want." Patience and endurance...patience and endurance.
Pompous and arrogant or just confident?
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on 09/17/2015.
He breaks out his business card (he is a DJ) and starts giving t
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<< He breaks out his business card (he is a DJ) and starts giving them out and he says, "You are sitting with a star!" OMG. I hear, "Oh you are a dj". I stayed quiet and stared straight ahead. Does everything have to be about him and his amazingness? This is a date night, right? He also broke out his phone and starts playing a video game. I would love a cultured man, one who was humble and didn't need to pat himself on the back every moment he gets. Time and place for everything. He interrupted a couples romantic breakfast to give them his card since he saw her engagement ring. He also gave it to a waitress years ago and said, "This is who I am." She said, "And who exactly are you?" How about start with saying your name not your title of "the best DJ in the universe?" Such a turn off. <<<
Oh.my.God! How awful!
At a peaceful time, I would tell your H that when you're out on a "date" (or anywhere else you specify) that you don't want him doing that for several reasons....including that others don't want to hear about it either.
Seriously, I can see my H doing something similar because he has Borderline Personality Disorder which includes NPD. I have "died" many times when H has had "no filter" and has said inappropriate things at inappropriate times.
H used to do CRAZY dance moves on the dance floor (and I mean embarrassing! he's an attention-whore), and I had to put a total stop to that.
Yes, I truly understand the desire to have what other couples have.
When you wrote about the Facebook posting, I thought you were going to say that your husband had told him boss that he was "sick" and then the boss saw on FB that he was out to dinner. lol
However, many spouses don't want their activities posted or tagged on Facebook, so that's not a biggie to stop doing. You can always write things like: Husband Bob and I are at......... And that won't tag him, but will let you feel "normal".
Attention lover
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Here is the other thing, my husband not only is a DJ but dances and loves to sing so his reviews are awesome. He is charismatic and charming and fun when he is working the crowd. So if I tell him no one wants to hear him brag, he will just say, "Read my reviews!" I mean, these reviews are over the top good. But no matter how good you are, its not necessary to be a walking advertisement. Personality Disorder, I have to read about that. Just for my benefit because he won't simmer down. "No one else does what I do" and "if you let me train you to dance, you will be the best dancer in the room" are recent phrases I heard out of his mouth. I have heard many other people speak this way and it is a turn off then as well. Too many "I's" in the conversation. I tend to stay away from them. When you are married though, you rely on the fact that your friends and family know he/she has issues. One person said he acts narcissistic and bipolar and has episodes delusions of grandeur. They say he makes people feel overwhelmed because he is a compendium of facts that weren't asked for. He is very smart. He talks over people, interrupts and is always talking. But our friends are loving and just extract themselves from the uncomfortable situation. I too amd learning to control my surroundings. If I am overwhelmed, I leave without making it apparant, since I don't want him to feel hurt or shunned. I take hot baths with music on, go shopping or rent a movie and relax. There is a great place in my head I visit when he rants about his day and complains about things. So these are all tactics we must learn so we don't lose our minds and our identity.
There's a time and a place for everything...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
The problem is that people who aren't mentally healthy, do not understand that. They're not able to assess a situation and think, "hmm...would it be ok to say XXXXX? And if so, how much can be said? "
No, instead, anytime is ok in their mind. They'd stop the reverend from preaching if they had something to say. lol Well, maybe not that extreme...but you get what I mean.
<<<
No one else does what I do" and "if you let me train you to dance, you will be the best dancer in the room" are recent phrases I heard out of his mouth. I have heard many other people speak this way and it is a turn off then as well. Too many "I's" in the conversation. I tend to stay away from them. When you are married though, you rely on the fact that your friends and family know he/she has issues. One person said he acts narcissistic and bipolar and has episodes delusions of grandeur. They say he makes people feel overwhelmed because he is a compendium of facts that weren't asked for. He is very smart. He talks over people, interrupts and is always talking. But our friends are loving and just extract themselves from the uncomfortable situation.
<<<
I know exactly what you mean. Our son told us that he had to "rescue" his girlfriend's dad when my husband had him "cornered" talking about some boring topic.
And one time, we were at a Christmas party, and H had some man cornered. The guy excused himself to go to the bathroom, AND H FOLLOWED him to the bathroom!!!
Our kids and I remember going out for Mothers Day brunch and the restaurant was handing out flowers to the moms and wishing them Happy Mothers Day. So, when my family walked in, of course that all occurred. All the attention was on me when our family walked in (just like it was on any mom who came in). My H has to be the center of attention, so he directs attention to himself with, "what about me? What about the fathers?" (OMG!). The hostess politely said, "your day is next month! come back and see us!" Our kids were so embarrassed as well, and quietly commented to me. He probably thought he was "being funny" but again...time and place for everything.
For awhile, H would say INAPPROPRIATE things to cashiers. He thought he was "being funny". No, he wasn't. And of course, the employee has to be nice, that's her job. I had to shut that down. Obviously, H wasn't taught these things as a child.
People like this need to be told (hints don't work) what exactly they're doing wrong and how to correct their behavior.
Oh yeah- he went there
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
"They'd stop the reverend from preaching if they have something to say. lol Well, maybe not that extreme...but you get what I mean."
Yup, it happened. We were at a service with about 1,000 people and the speaker asked a rhetorical question but I guess his pause was too long. I was taking notes and H belts out the answer loudly. People chuckled and all I felt was my ears were hot and my face too. I never looked up just kept taking notes. OMG. During out Sunday services, he is always "mmm hmmming" loudly and whispering loudly if he agrees with something. I just ignore now since when I hit his knee he gets upset. Everyone knows him there by now. I guess I should just be happy he is there worshipping alongside me. :)
Last night at the concert, I was glad he didn't know the songs because he would have sung them. When a song comes on the radio or I try to hear someone else singing, he tops them. When I start to sing, he sings louder. So then I stop. I love Karaoke and its my time to have an outlet. He surprised me twice and my friends said they couldn't hear me over his singing and banging on the table. You want to be happy they came but then you wish they didn't. Why why why??? You want normalcy then realize you can't have it.
There's a boundary blurring going on as well....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
What you're also describing is boundary blurring.
When it's "your turn" for karaoke, then it's YOUR turn. It's not his turn. My H can be bad at this sort of thing as well. In my H's case, his parents NEVER taught them to "take turns" "be fair" "don't take more than your share." None of that was taught. Everyone grabbed and if a sibling lost out, too bad. That's how sick it was.
H tells me that his sister stole his coin collection. Was she punished? No. Again, no boundaries taught in the family. So, no wonder there's no boundary respect as adults. When H and I were dating (and long before he became an alcoholic), H's roommate told me that H drank his bottle of whiskey, which had been a gift. H replaced it, and his excuse was....I wanted to try it and I was going to replace it...which was true, but that's no excuse. I should have realized the red flag....no respect for boundaries. Take what you want, take what you see, even if you're going to replace it. Now, H would never shoplift, but he never learned that "between friends" or "between family" you don't just take what you'd like, even if your intent at the time is to replace it....which H often forgets to do anyway.
A little twist in perspective?
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
So I told a girlfriend about my husband giving his business card out on our date and telling people he was a star and she said, "Wow, that took courage!" I was like "huh?" She said she didn't view it as arrogant and said that he is just good with people and outgoing. I wonder if just viewing it that way is better. I mean it's not like he understands boundaries and how things sound.
I don't know if your friend understood....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I have been out socially and people have professionally and appropriately given me their business card, but what you're describing is more of a "heavy sell" at an inappropriate time...and very show-off- y.
I agree with you
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
There will come a moment when he will feel vulnerable and I will have to tell him kindly and honestly of what I have heard and seen from his mouth and how it can be perceived. What he does with the info is up to him. I have talked to him before about patting himself on the back.