So I am at the end of my rope this weekend with DH's inability to recall pretty much ANY conversation we have, either just the two of us or with the kids. My oldest son turns 18 tomorrow. He had prom last night, graduates from high school next Sunday. He is VERY full of himself. About two months ago, this child started teeing up the "when I turn 18 I can do whatever I want" conversation. I mostly blew it off with humor--like "yep-good luck with that" type of thing but the more he brought it up, I had enough. This same child leaves for a gap year in Costa Rica in September. He is a beach life guard, manages a beach all summer. He has also had issues with drugs and alcohol. To say he does not have the best judgement in the world is an understatement. He has a 1:30am curfew. And every freakin' time he goes out we have to have the curfew conversation again. So DH and I agree that this child will have a 1:30 curfew from NOW until he leaves for Costa Rica. And both me and hubby have this conversation with the child. In fact, it is DH who delivers this information. And would you believe...as of yesterday, DH has no recollection of this conversation at all. Convenient, huh. So I told DH yesterday that we will have this conversation with the child AGAIN and this time I will record it so that when either of them "forget" this information, I have a record of it. Second thing DH "forgot", also related to this child. Child wanted to go with his friends to a "prom house" in Lake Geneva for a few days. Um...no. And BTW, a "prom house" is not a thing. So no. And again, DH and I had this conversation, DH agreed that he had never heard of such a thing, etc. And then today the child is mooning all over the house because "all of his friends are at the prom house" and lo and behold--DH DOES know all about prom houses, they had them when he was in school, he has heard about them all over the place. Um...what? DH did not go to prom, he currently has no friends, and spends every moment he is not working parked on the couch watching either youtube videos or Storage Wars, so where he would hear about what's hot in high school is a mystery to me.
I know that others have similar problems with selective memory with their ADHD person. Couple that with the "I know everything about everything" even with a LOT of evidence to the contrary and it is crazy making. I start to feel like I am the one who can't keep stuff straight. DH and the 18 year old have such an odd relationship-I am very anxious for the child to get away from the lousy influence that is his father. Most things that DH and I discuss TOGETHER, and then present to the child, DH words it with some version of "your mother wants you to..." or "mom thinks and I agree". Really not helpful. The child tells me all the time that I am too hard on DH and that I am so bossy that DH just goes along with whatever I say. I suspect DH's "selective" memory and desire to appear in a positive light EVEN if it means hurting OUR relationship is part of the ADHD impulsive, whatever is easiest in the moment, avoid conflict at all costs thing but boy--not mature at all. And really hard to parent that way.
I am ready to record conversations that we have with DS so that NEITHER of them can claim that a) the convo never happened or b) the content of the discussion. Thoughts? I have to get some sanity here. And what usually ends up happening is that DS pushes back when DH is out of town or working late or has gone to bed already and then once again, it's ME that is the enforcer. SO tired of that dynamic.
Any help or advice on dealing with the ever-so-convenient selective memory would be much appreciated-
dvance
I don't think it's childish
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I don't think it's childish but I also don't know if it would be helpful. I don't think it would hurt to try it. Maybe you could do something like the following: "Hey, guys, I have an idea. We've had this conversation before even though you don't seem to remember it. So I'm going to write this down and put a note on the refrigerator saying, 'On May __, 2017, Mom and Dad told Son 1 that his curfew is 1:30 a.m. until he leaves for Costa Rica.' Maybe you both could take a picture of it with your phone so you're sure to remember."
We have had to go to extremes
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
We have had to go to extremes with our teenage son to help him remember and understand our expectations. We have drawn up a one page contract with key facts and expectations that we all need to remember. We all read it and signed it. Then we made copies and posted them all over the house (the refrigerator door, the bathroom mirror, the bedroom door, etc.). I think we have to do whatever is necessary to make our point.
Prom house? Never heard of it! It sounds like a notoriously bad idea!
Your son is a very young high school graduate. My husband was the same way. He turned 18 the same month he graduated. He always believed that his immaturity hurt him during his school years. Now we know that he has ADHD and that even compounded his immaturity. When our son was five years old, it was obvious that he wasn't as mature as the other kids his age. My Husband insisted that we wait a year to send him to kindergarten because of his own experiences. I'm not sure if it was a good choice or not. He is seventeen now and just finished his sophomore year. He'll be 19 when he graduates and starts college. I think he's benefited from being more mature, but it has been a long and stressful road. And we still have two more years of high school.
I've never heard the term "gap year." Is this a year of study or mission work? It sounds like a wonderful opportunity!
That's exactly what a gap
Submitted by dvance on
That's exactly what a gap year is--a year off between high school and college. They have gotten a lot of press in the past year--I have read articles in the New York Times and the Washington Post about what a good idea they are for high school grads who may not know what they want to be, don't have the money, want to travel or volunteer, that kind of thing. One of his friends is going to Africa. A gap year could be volunteering, it could be mission work, it could be teaching english in another country, it could be straight up travel. My child is spending 4-6 months doing a turtle conservation project in Costa Rica. He has been there before and loved it. He spent the bulk of his junior year either high or drunk or in rehab, so he totally tanked both his sport (swimming--he qualified for state finals but was in rehab when they were held) and his AP classes--he had to drop two of them while in rehab, which affected his class options senior year, which he barely passed So he has no scholarship money coming for either a sport or academics. He has no idea what he wants to be (that doesn't actually bother me--lots of kids don't at age 18). When he comes back from Costa Rica he is talking about taking EMT classes which is a great idea. He will go to college in the fall of 2018. I am hoping that the months in Costa Rica will do a few things: get him excited about something, get him away from the terrible influence of his father, make him grow up a bit, and be around people for whom getting high OR wearing all the right labels is not important. It's a LOT to ask of one small country--LOL!!
A boy who wants to protect
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
A boy who wants to protect turtles has a lot going for him. I hope he does well and has a great time in Costa Rica!
Under all the male posturing
Submitted by dvance on
Under all the male posturing and stupid bravado, I hope is still a sweet heart. He cried when one of our pets died when he was a freshman in high school. When he was little he used to make me turn the car around if we saw a stray animal and take it to the rescue place. He is terrific with animals and small children, which gives me hope that I didn't raise a total psycho!
It sounds like your son is
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
It sounds like your son is very intelligent, talented, and compassionate. I truly hope that Costa Rica meets all your expectations for him.
Dvance A Thought and Maybe Some Advise
Submitted by kellyj on
This word "selective" infers that it's a choice to remember or just willfully ignoring whatever it is? This is something I've stopped doing with my wife quite some time ago and I boiled it down to this. In security, about looking stupid and actually not recalling the information at all? Literally, not remembering but also being afraid or in fear of looking or appearing stupid which it's not? It's ADHD, remember? Things go in, and they don;t always stay in and that can be embarrassing to have to admit to someone if it puts them in the spot light. If he were to have to admit, he didn't remember, then he has to admit a whole lot of other things he doesn't want to admit? If I recall, your h is a cop? Not so many and coply...to have to say I can't remember the details or simply taking the opposing position which is safe? Safe to say, your wrong or I don't agree even when they actually can't remember, but the opposite side or contrary position is still safer than the alternative? My only advice and what I finally told myself was..."I',m not going to argue with someone's memory. Period. But when I realise my wife can't ( not won't ) then why even waste my time? All you'll get is more of the same. And more of those "I know everything or I know what I'm doing" statements. My wife's version is "I'm 60 years old, I don;t need you to tell me these things." Kind of sort of....if she can't remember, then why even push it or make him pay? No need really? All you're doing is shooting yourself in your own foot each time you do so why do that? Is it worth it? Just my two bits and what I do know instead. Let it go, it ain't worth the trouble and it only serves to make things worse so as I said...why even do it? You're not arguing or debating with him in other words....you are wrestling with his memory...and then the embarrassment when he forgets or can't recall the information. He'd rather fight you on it, then admit he can't remember or if he feels it will make him look stupid which in fact it really isn't stupid at all? It's just ADHD...there is no intention behind it. That's how I see it, which is better than fighting it. In the very distilled down essence of it, you are showing them they are wrong..and they don;t want to be?
J
My DH is not a cop, never has
Submitted by dvance on
My DH is not a cop, never has been. He is a property manager. I really have no earthly idea how he does this job. He's been with this company 2 1/2 years, so we are probably coming up to the end of this run-3-4 years is about the limits of his tenure at any given job. But I digress. All of your short sentences and question marks after sentences that are not questions make it really hard for me to follow your comments. If it's just between the two of us, I could care less what or if he remembers and whether or not it is on purpose. When it pertains to boundaries that we set for our 18 your old child, I care very much. I have no need to be right--that ship sailed a long time ago. From what I observe, and have lived with for 22 years, DH has little if any common sense and does not remember the bulk of what I say to him. Again-how he holds a job is a mystery to me. I 100% disagree that "it is ADHD there is no intention behind it". He has plenty of intention when he tells me repeatedly that he is fine and does not need his meds. That is intentional. Not using the tools that are available around him (family calendar being just one example) that is intentional. Bottom line: I could not care less what or is he remembers outside of decisions that affect our boys. It is pretty impossible to parent when 50% of the parents have zero recollection of conversations about them--plans, discipline, expectations etc.
Same here
Submitted by ebecoat01 on
I go through the same thing with my son. He ne re recalls a conversation ever. So I started taking notes word for in my phone with a time stamp indicating who was there and who heard and what was said. That's the only way I can prove to my wife and him of what occurred. I say record , record, record!