I'm 32 and dating a 25 year old male with ADD/ADHD. I have never experienced a relationship like this, soo hard to be with someone who has this disorder. He was diagnosed young and is prescribed medication but does not take it. In the beginning there was just something about him that was great....there still is. To me he's different and theres just something there. We moved really fast in the beginning, started dating and then he proposed. I was once married and with someone for 13 years and it ended badly so since then I've had walls up about dating and guys in general but again with him there was just something different. I told him yes but the agreement was we were not going to set a date, that marriage would be in the future. Ots now been almost 2 years and more then not the relationship is horrible. I read all the posts and it's exactly what's happening with me/us except he has major issues with thinking I'm cheating or talking to other guys. He has said the most hurtful things to me. I feel exhausted of the situation, I dont know what to do anymore. I feel like he knows nothing, like he was never taught anything....is this a ADD thing? He seen a therapist a couple times and that was it.....recently got diagnosed with depression and is now taking medication for that. I feel like his insecurities will never stop, always making rude comments. I have never given him a reason to think I'm doing something behind his back. He was cheated on in a past relationship but it's a constant ordeal. Im kinda lost on what to do....I love him and want this to work because again there is just something about him....he can be so great! He states there is nothing wrong with him and that him going to therapy and getting on depression meds is for me. Always mt fault. Any insight......advice..anything! Am I wasting my time? Can or will it ever get better?
Relationship with a 25 year old that has ADD
Submitted by Dblack144 on 08/17/2016.
Hello and welcome,Dblack
Submitted by Zapp10 on
Trust me.....I can see in your questions....YOU already know the answers.....and like many of us here.....you would like a way OUT of DOING what needs to be done. HOW you spend your ONE life is up to YOU.....NOT someone else who states" there is nothing wrong with him". Do you really want to chose THAT for a life partner? Do you want to wake up with that every day?
LOVE him......from afar......very very afar......YOU are Worth IT.
Run. Thats the only advice
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Run. Thats the only advice i can offer you. Right now, while you are emotionally tied to him - you are NOT tied to him legally. Put your heart back together, know you are worth FAR MORE than what he is willing to give you.
The constant accusstaions to me sounds like a guilty conscience projecting onto you. Zapp is right - love from afar, detatch yourself, and get away. Already he has shown you he will not follow through. Click on my name, read my posts - things got better, got worse, and were always rollercoaster - up and down. In the end, my H has decided he cant hack it and that it wont work for us (because HE isnt doing his part in our relationship and has a problem with warped and magical thinking, on top of depression and CSA issues). In my experience, and from what I have seen - this doesnt get better.
ADHD is often times used as an excuse for selfish, self centered behavior. Its up to you to decide what you will and will not tolerate. However, if I were you - I WOULD RUN. FAST, HARD and not look back.
I am moving forward in my life, and its a very hard thing to do - but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
dblack, "never taught anything"
Submitted by dedelight4 on
You said something that stuck out to me. "It was like he was never taught anything". Wow, do I know that one. We didn't have a diagnosis for my husband until he was around 50, and we've been married 33 years, but I left 6months ago.
My husband also was and IS a great guy, but trying to have a MARRIAGE with him is next to impossible. The ADHD is not being controlled right now with meds OR behavior therapy. The years of dealing with this seriously took its toll on my emotions, mental health, and physical health. I did way too much for him, but to him, it wasn't enough. He was Emotionally Unavailable most of those years. He would Not discuss the issues we had with the ADHD. Plus, there is so much he has not dealt with from his childhood, and having a bi-polar mother. His mother is where I believe a LOT of this stuff came from, but again, its something he will NOT talk about.
Look up Dr. RUSSEL BARKLEY on YouTube, with his videos on ADHD, and I think you will fins TONS of information there. They arent super long, so they are easy to get through, but VERY INFORMATIVE. As well as the forums here, and Melissa Orlov's book on "The ADHD Effect On Marriage". You dont have to be married to read it, because it covers many, many things.
But, if I could give you any advice, I would say, Find someone else who can RETURN the love and affection and understanding you are GIVING. You will spend a lifetime trying to make sense out of nonsense as long as he stays untreated or undertreated. AND he will turn around and make it all YOUR fault. Sorry, wish I could offer happier things, but this is a life of HARDSHIP.
Anyway, about the never being taught anything. Shortly after we were married, I was ASTOUNDED by all the things my husband DIDNT KNOW. It was like his mother and father didnt teach him anything about anything. It was amazing. I ended up teaxhing him a BUNCH of stuff, that most people just sort of 'know". It caused him to make decisions that ended up poorly for him and us. That never changed.
I am just amazed I am not the
Submitted by Dblack144 on
I am just amazed I am not the only one, sometimes it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. Im pretty smart though and ive worked in a mental heath field for 13 years so im not oblivious to this behavior but when its personal its different. When he is great he can be great, we ha e a great time. The past 3 to 4 months have been hell! Like we cant go one day without him making a comment or thingking something incorrect. Its exhausting! I try to be patient....ask him to talk/ask questions if hes thinking something negative but it always comes out as a inappropriate blurt. Then he just moves right on like nothing has happened and expects be to just be ok. Ive recently told him that he needs help or im leaving for good. I try telling him that he will never have a positive relationship with a female if he does not get help. I also tell him he needs to get help for him and not me or anyone else. You cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped! I feel like he tried so hard for me to stay because i am older, experienced and have my shit together! Its just so repetitive and ive actually been pushed to the point where I have put my hands on him and pushed him hard........I have never put my hands on anyone, have never even been to that level of mad. I should have left long ago but i guess im a sucker for seeing the good that he can be!
Dblack, that's what we ALL did
Submitted by dedelight4 on
We All ignores the red flags of the behaviors, because we DID SEE THE GOOD in these guys. It can make us feel special to be like the "only one" that truly understands them.
Don't ignore the red flags, please take them seriously. Marriage is a BIG stressor that really affects these folks. They can hardly handle their OWN lives, let alone someone else's, and marriage is a partnership. You will NOT get an equal partner, it will be more like having a child. I know this sounds crazy, and I dont mean to sound angry and biased. I'm only telling you the truth. If its this difficult NOW, it wont get better without lots of help. Therapists who KNOW about ADHD, for BOTH of you.
Oh I agree, I dont wear the
Submitted by Dblack144 on
Oh I agree, I dont wear the ring anymore. I told him we werent even close to anything like marriage. Ive been married.....I won't make the same mistake twice even though this is very different but I wont put myself in that position. We did live together and now we dont and he hates that we dont. I told he needs to get help and he needs to figure it out.....in no way shape or form will I act like a mother to him. His relationship with his mother makes me sick! Its horrible and she knows I dont put up with the bullshit she chooses to. You are all correct and since ive done my research I see he really is mentally not ok and it wont work unless some major changes happen! I guess I've already prepared myself for this to eventually end because right now I'm to the point where I know he wont take responsibility and do something so I guess I'm just waiting it out to show him he is wrong and thst he needs to do something otherwise he will live a very hard life. Ive told him many times he will not make it in life....its like he lives in a damn fairy tale and it drives me nuts! I work my ass off everyday! Its the little things he could care less about that he needs to care about in order to live in "reality". It does make me feel for him though because I couldnt even imagine having that thought process....it just still amazes me.....something unlike any other!
" Its the little things he
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
" Its the little things he could care less about that he needs to care about in order to live in "reality". "
this is extremely profound... And sums up so many of the problems I have had to solve in the past 7 years. Those little things..... It's amazing how they can tear you up. It's like sand on glass... Eventually it scratches things so much the glass becomes worthless. The small things... They add up to become a composite monster....
dblack, glad you are being cautious
Submitted by dedelight4 on
You sound like a wonderful, caring person, and I'm so glad you are being so cautious about this guy. It's such a hard thing, especially when you Really CARE about someone. I still love my husband, regardless of what we went through, but my heart, mind and body could'nt go through any more denial of the problems he had.
I truly wish you well, and pray that you find someone kind and loving that can see how great you are, and loves you with all his heart.
Just something - is not enough
Submitted by ADH9er on
find someone 'Without' this demon.