This week my ex husband's cheerful texts on things he needs me to do for children (who are with him) make me want to hurt him.
I don't like who I am at this moment. I practically hate the man. I hate that he acts as if he has no functional issues, at the same time counting heavily on me for the children. I hate that he pretends he hasn't used me and been dishonest to me and hurt me. I hate that he makes no attempt to make amends. I hate that he conveys he's so happy and relaxed now.
I know what he conveys is probably not the whole picture. He always works hard on his appearance. He's a good actor. He might still struggle with some issues, having the children 50%. But it hurts to see him happy while I'm miserable. I'm the more reliable parent. Without me our kids would have suffered neglect. He pretends the family hasn't relied on me to function and still does. He acts like he has nothing to do with the state I'm in. He does nothing for closure. I'm not expecting it, but I am so angry that he had to destroy my trust entirely and trample on me before he left. I was already in a vulnerable state, smelling burnout, that's why I had to divorce him.
I don't feel I'm much of a resource for anyone now, I'm depleted. Time with the children isn't joyful even though I miss them terribly. I'm stressed by having so little to offer them and by being so unhappy.
So the way he's let our relationship end is bad for his children.
I hate that I'm still overworking to compensate for him. I'm reluctant to let him handle important things in the children's lives, because they might suffer. But maybe I should.
Or maybe I should tell him that he's putting his children at risk by kicking me in the head while relying on my brain to save the day.
Something has to change, or I'll have a breakdown and won't function.
What have you done?
It will get better
Submitted by Catterfly on
Hi Swedish,
This is truly awful, and frankly callous and mean of your ex. Of course you're feeling depleted. This is one of the most stressful things people can go through in life, and having an ex who can only focus on the "now" (so can never self-reflect or apologize for the past) makes it even more heartbreaking.
It's ok for your kids to see your humanity. Once you've processed enough grief to come back to yourself, they know you'll be their foundation. In fact I bet that they know that already, and that you're there for them more than you think.
As for your specific questions though, can you set some boundaries with him? Maybe think through the tasks that he would be most likely to accomplish and assign the responsibility to him? In my case it would be signing the kids up for sports, and maybe being responsible for their winter outerwear (seems small but the kids have ADHD too, so things constantly get lost!).
Thinking of you, and sending prayers that things start to look up for you soon.
Thank you
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you for those kind words.
Assigning him more responsibilities is probably the best way forward. Or - if he's (as I expect) incapable of shopping clothes and gear at the appropriate time and thinking of haircuts - maybe I should take the children out for those things on his weeks when it suits me. Why should he have calm uninterrupted time with them just being present, while I scurry on my weeks to get everything done? It should at least be noticeable that I'm relieving him of responsibilities.
I would also need to know something of how he parents now. Do they have cooked dinners every night at his place? Do they go outdoors? Do they ever exercise? Does he ever get in touch with their friends parents and alternate tasks with them? If he doesn't, that means I need to compensate. If he does, maybe I can relax.
Im not sure I will get the truth speaking to him though. I expect everything he does and says is - wasn't that your brilliant analysis Catterfly? - to avoid fear and shame. Of course that is why he'd rather avoid me altogether I suppose.
It’s a long game
Submitted by honestly on
I mean, raising kids is. Right now you are carrying too much and personally i'd say it's fine to be angry - feel the rage and do it anyway- but the kids soon grow and need you less (and this is a relief that also breaks your heart) and they will remember that it was you who did the important stuff, who made sure they got to the dentist and had a decent meal and got to sports clubs and had some fresh air and fun. I'd also say that their childhood doesn't have to he perfect; no childhood is, and you'll only make yourself ill trying to make it so. So long as they are safe and broadly get what they need, they'll grow up fine and be more resilient perhaps for having to fend for themselves a little. And more responsible as they have to fill the gaps that he leaves. They'll remember who did what for them. As my brother recently said of me and my OH's very different relationships with our kids, 'you reap what you sow.'
Thank you
Submitted by Swedish coast on
That warms my heart.
A happy day here today with children. Today I feel I'm who I want to be. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
that’s lovely
Submitted by honestly on
I'm glad for you. Xx
You're in an impossible situation....
Submitted by c ur self on
If you look at the "right" when it comes to marriage, procreation, and family existence...You will see all the dysfunction surrounding your situation...So I suggest you stop beating yourself up about him...He will take care of his children...If you punish yourself based on the life he lives, then you will stop existing as your best self...Everyone makes mistakes, hind site is always 20-20....And attempting to defend ourselves, or make judgments on others will never end well, especially when it comes to the freedom our minds need for peaceful living....Breathe, and stop over thinking it...Some loneliness is just a part of our lives now that we have freed ourselves from the abusive situation's....
He is holding you hostage with his talk about his "good life" those comments are knee jerk if not premeditated...I've been through it...It's always a great life, when we our main goal is self easement, self entertainment, and avoiding responsibility...You divorced him, now don't get sucked in to his stone throwing....You will need to see through his resentment...
Be your best self for you and the children...
c
Thank you C
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Interestingly your advice is where my thoughts have drifted to too these last few days. I'll try to be who I want. And I'll be less discreet. The children requested I don't contact them when they're with him. So I haven't, for seven months or so. I also learned it's wrong to ask children questions about their times at the other place. So I haven't. It's very strange, to only be a parent part time and then have zero information about the rest of the children's life. And when they've not heard from me maybe they felt I abandoned them.
It seems the children now want me to keep in touch. I also feel I don't care about the "no questions" rule anymore. If I can never ask them neutrally what they did last week, what kind of relationship will we have? Why spend so much energy on discretion around his dysfunction?
I also contacted a couple of parents of the children's friends and asked if they had a functioning contact with my ex husband, since I know he's had problems with that in the past, and said I'm always available if they need to get in touch with us.
Thank you for your kind words and wisdom.
So much in play...
Submitted by c ur self on
Having to adapt to the separateness that divorce sponsor's with children, brings so much more into play than just the adult pain... (especially where highly distracted minds are concerned) We are forced into very uncomfortable situations...(forced communication or lack of it, trusting of a person we have struggled to trust in the past due to lived out behaviors, etc.)....All things we would probably never choose normally...I'm praying for all of you, I know it can overwhelming at times...Bless you friend...
c
Assigning responsibility
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Dear all,
I appreciate your answers so much.
Now I've managed to get rid of some tasks. My ex husband will be in charge of some quite burdensome things I've previously always done. It sounds insignificant, but it's been important for me to let go of them. Being in touch with him gives me physical stress symptoms, and I've been so angry today I felt like I'd burst an artery. But it's worth it.
I've experienced a lot of dishonesty in the last year, including the opacity and the acting now. ADHD or not, you don't want to toil for someone and then find out they don't think you're worth to be told the truth. It's become important to me to not work for my ex' benefit any more.