Am so exhausted. Have been spending a week's vacation doing only things for children. It's been joyful, and I'm so happy spending time with them. But oh so tired now.
My ADD ex husband has had very low energy for years. I notice now in my week I've squeezed in several weeks' worth of child activities, hosting their friends, researching and preparing new activities, in order to compensate for the passivity I suspect will await the children in his house.
Midsummer's Eve tomorrow, no children, I'll be spending it helping a friend who's in the middle of divorce and isn't doing very well. I feel bad because I have another friend who was to be alone tomorrow, after having turned down a party invitation, and despite now having settled for celebrating with yet another friend they seem to be sad I'm not going to spend the day with them. They haven't invited me or suggested anything, though. I just sense their disappointment.
I'm exhausted. Even when over functioning I never feel enough gets done. Not to meet the needs I see. Especially not to make things happen that nourish me and make me happy. Around me is knee-deep passivity. I'm terrified of its effects. That's why I battle it with all I can muster and wear myself out.
How did I end up this way? I feel ashamed that I haven't been able to change anything in spite of voicing my needs to friends and family and trying to make boundaries. ADD has almost destroyed me. Why would anyone assume I can take on more? Newly divorced? Battling situational depression? Hardly able to work? Multiple stress symptoms?
Why does everything seem to depend on me alone?
Doing it all and then some
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Really sorry you're experiencing this. I am still too. I have sole custody of my daughter, but I've been parenting for two since she was born anyway when it quickly became clear my then-husband wasn't up to the responsibilities. I have always struggled with trying to ensure she doesn't feel like she's missing out in any way because of his shortcomings. I baked all the cookies and hosted all the friends and drove her to the activities and spent extra time with her reading, playing, going on outings, etc. She's a teenager and I STILL do it and I don't regret it, but it IS really REALLY hard sometimes. Of course that's because I'm trying to do the job of two parents and I'm only one parent. It's sad too because even though I try endlessly to compensate for her dad's shortcomings, I still can't make her feel seen and loved by him. I can never fully take the damage away, but only do my best to show her she's fully loved by me and ensure she still has access to as many opportunities as possible despite having only one engaged parent.
And in saying this, I know that you and I are both taking on too much, Swedish. The situation isn't our fault, but we love our kids so much that we can't stand to see them impacted by it so we overfunction and overcompensate constantly. Personally I know I can't cut back though I know I probably should. I can't trade my comfort for her pain so I keep doing it. I'm sure a therapist would tell me to find a better balance, but I can't where she's concerned.
What I have done that helps though is to disappoint other people. I refused to host the massive annual Christmas party at my house this year. I was just not up for the work. I finally got some time off from work and I wanted to finally sit the %!$@ down instead of scramble the entire duration of my rare vacation. Those close to me understood, but the extended family did not. I have to not care about that. The upset parties are all in great supportive relationships and have no idea how hard it is for me to do it all. I now also turn down invites from friends in favour of alone time when I need it. When I have people over (rarely), I order in even if they cook for me when I go to their houses. I am trying to put better boundaries in place at work so I'm not overextending myself. I've started saying no without explanation and learning to not worry about the other person's feelings about that... that's on them to manage.
I think though that people around us will just never fully understand. I've had some comments akin to "well, you wanted this divorce," as though I should be bouncing around happily about my situation or somehow it's my fault. And yes I'm 3 years out and and so relieved, but I've also been through a traumatic relationship that I still have to navigate because of our daughter. People don't understand what we've been through ("ADD has almost destroyed me" <---this!!!) or how much we're going to continue to be affected by it. It's not something you can recover from in a month. It's not your job to take care of others' feelings or misconceptions about that... you can only take care of yourself.
Thank you Melody
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you for your support. You must be right. Others do not see the load we carry. Even the closest family members whom I've confided in still presume I'll take all hosting initiatives for extended family, and seem to think hanging out with me means being taken care of like a child. Meanwhile I whimper and shake with exhaustion.
This relationship distortion is almost more threatening than the ADD marriage was in itself. I can't get rid of everyone who misinterprets my situation. On the contrary, I need them for support.
Making people disappointed is hard, but I'm sure you're right and it's the only way to avoid self-destruction going forward from here. I'm just afraid the result of all this - the lessened generosity, the futile attempts at explanations, the sadness, the frustration, will make them like me less and withdraw from me.
How many of YOU are there?
Submitted by c ur self on
If I was an influence in your life...I would probably tell you to just STOP, and breathe....Then I would probably give you a massage, or at least a long hug!...I feel you!
Try to not place expectations on yourself that are unrealistic and have built themselves up in your mind based on the failings of others....To be our best self for those we love, we will always have to at peace in our minds and spirit...
(((Hugs)))
c
About 2/3
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you C, I appreciate so much your kind perspective.
The truth is, I'm skidding along on less than full capacity. But I've lost reference points to what a good life is and how energy is conserved. I don't know how to spare myself without anguish for what doesn't happen.
This is a good week though. I find spending time socializing and celebrating things really perks me up.
I hope you have a good week too!