Hi everyone...first time posting here...so grateful to find others that may understand.
My husband and I have been together ten years with ups and downs. As a whole for the first few years it was a fairy tale. We first met in sixth grade and had been friends on an off for years, finally getting together in our late 20's. He's kind, creative, gentle, basically an answer to prayer.
As soon as we got married a strange pattern emerged. He was diagnosed with ADD in kindergarten and has struggled all his life with depression, anxiety and constantly feeling inferior to basically everyone. I noticed that there were constant issues with other women. It's not so much that he was having affairs. I suppose it's totally possible but it was more that he never would draw a boundary with a woman. He would have private messages on social media and hide. I'd always find out and when reading the messages, it seemed pretty innocent but it was so disturbing that he had no sense of loyalty.
Lately it's been worse and worse. He is constantly talking to girls on social media, mostly instagram, and constantly lying about it. It hurts me so badly that he cannot be loyal, never mentions that he's married. I am so vulnerable with him and clear about how small it makes me feel, but it doesn't matter. Today was the last straw....theres been three just this week, but today on our cell bill I found pages and pages of texts to a co-worker that he was deleting. I packed a bag and am now at a friends.
I'm really hurting so much right now. I love him so much but it feels hopeless. He says he doesn't understand why he does it and I'm struggling so hard with feeling so worthless. Does this happen often? Is he so desperate for affirmation that his integrity and marriage doesn't matter anymore?
Hi amac23...
Submitted by c ur self on
Yes, it's all very familiar...First let me say this to you....And you need to believe this part, if you don't believe anything else.....There is nothing you could have done or not done, nothing you can say or not say to cause his behaviors in these areas to be different....It wouldn't have mattered who he married he would be taking advantage of them and disrespecting them just like what he has done to you...Yes it's very possible he is feeding off of the affirmation, and it's also very very possible he is completely blind to what you see and feel concerning it...The fact you have voiced so much concern to him about his actions, which has only lead to trying to hide it...(like a child) Is also very familiar.....
So no matter WHY he is doing it...It has nothing to do with you...So get that in your head now....And then you can take a hold of your life, (dump any insecurities his actions have made you feel) go home and be at peace with in your own heart and mind...You didn't start it, and you can't prevent it...I hope I'm clear here??
The following is just what I've experienced being around it for 9 years....Adhd in and of itself is not a reason to not show commitment and set boundaries w/ the opposite sex....But what it does do, is cause time management issues, short term memory issues, distractibility, and inattentiveness, among other things....Now when you roll all this up and put it into a mind the product or behaviors can and will look very much like...Disrespect and Uncaring actions!....When an adhd spouse doesn't keep promises its usually not intentional....It's usually because they lost track of time or forgot...(distracted)...
I was a wreck in the early years of our marriage....If I had been living like my spouse, I would have cared nothing for her feelings, and would have been cheating and wouldn't have cared if she knew it....That's what it was like trying to use my mind to figure out her behaviors....How can she get off work at 230 and not make it home for supper at 6??...(this stuff started day 1) When I would call her she would just be wondering around in some store or digging through junk in the house we moved her out of...Completely oblivious to the time, or how long she had been there etc....Absolutely had no convictions or any idea how to be a wife...Of course she was in her mid-forties and had never been married...So that was part of it....She had never had to discipline her life and time....Other than her job, which she got plenty of tardies and ran to the time clock w/ wet hair most days..LOL
You will need to be strong...Not angry, Not emotional, Not loud....But calm and strong!....I suggest you start thinking of the boundaries you will need in this area, and make him go to a counselor to set them up...There will need to be accountability...(I forgot, and you didn't say that...these kind of things can't be excuses so cut them off right up front w/ boundaries)
You must decide what is going to be deal breakers for you....Things you want put up with under any conditions....And stick to your guns....What Ive discovered is, when I decided it was OK to end the marriage, (when I got to a peaceful place that it would be better for both us, if there weren't some changes) and she realized I meant it...She started working on herself....I realized I can love someone, but, unless we are both willing to do the work, then we might as well be roommates....And I can get a roommate that isn't near as messy if that's all I wanted.....
Just think about it....It's not about you amac23
Peace be with you!
C
Thank you
Submitted by Amac23 on
Thank you, C. It was great to hear that. Cognizantly I know it's not me, but emotional it feels like a punch in the gut over and over.
Last night was our first night apart and I didn't sleep a wink. So much heartache. We exchanged a few text messages, and I was shocked. He's always been a pretty nice guy, but he was suddenly someone else entirely. His responses were nasty and every one of them made him the victim. He had to hide his interactions with women because he "cant trust" me?!? It's making things so much worse.
Anyhow- I was wondering how you guys are doing now? Did things get better, and what has that been like?
Live and Let Live has helped us....
Submitted by c ur self on
When we accept each other (our differences) and try to not force each other (expectations) to think, like or desire the same things in life...(Don't mean Sin here of course)...Then we can share the things that are common to us, in a more loving and unified way....Conflict for us comes when one or both of us seeks to control (disrespect) the other...
Think of it this away...Marriage is like death or dying to the most personal things, but, there is also new life in these same areas...When you Vow to be something...(single = self concern and freedom in a sense) ( married = concern for others ahead of myself, and a life time of oneness and unity, pleasing one body, being pleased by one body (2=1)....
So, when a mind is unwilling, or incapable due to mental illness, immaturity, or other things that hinder these deep personal vows from taking place in their lives then there is no death, and no new life...
The only place they became a H or W is on the legal document...I will pray for you to see it for what it is, and be at peace with in your own heart...So many times when put in these type of situations....It's so easy to make it worse...Be patient, deal with your own heart....Protect it from anger and bitterness....Be accountable for your part, and try never enable him...He is mad because he can't have his cake and eat it to....The pressure of your absents will teach him he can't control you, and he must be all in as a spouse or not....It may take him awhile to die, (life always comes out of death) so be patient....We get what we see w/ people, the fruit of our lives is who we are....Our hells in this life only start, when we drift off into illusions (thinking we by our words and actions can control what another person thinks or desires) because of our own insecurities...Be Strong!
C
My heart breaks for you, Amac23
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Stay strong...
I'm still new to relating to someone with ADHD. I'm still sorting things out in my own relationship.