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I stayed with my husband four years. From what you have written, we could have been married to the same man, except we are in our 50's. He escalated the abusiveness from the moment we got married. He is very insecure and made demands sexually, on my time, on what I ate, on virtually every aspect of my life. People now ask me why I put up with it, what I was thinking. I don't know. I guess I just thought everyone wanted to improve themselves and he just didn't know how. Anyway, I finally decided he was not going to hurt me, just tear things up and make a lot of noise. So eventually I would go on to sleep when he would begin raging at night, just ignoring it. When he realized he couldn't cause the drama anymore, he punched me one day. Right in the nose, twice. I had been reading my email -- no fighting, just came almost out of the blue. We separated 8 months. He went to counseling for domestic violence. We got back together and went to counseling.
I just don't see much of a winning situation for many non-ADD spouses. He had gone to so much counseling, he could charm the counselors. If I said he did something, he calmly explained how he didn't, and they frequently believed him, trying to level the playing field I guess, and tell us how everyone had their own reality and people frequently saw things differently. No one could see the real person he was with me. During the time I was with him, I lost all support from family and friends. We moved to another state and he admitted freely that he had ADHD and had known it all his life but was never treated. He seemed to think it was funny. He agreed to meds, but it didn't change anything. Before starting treatment, he said he fit every symptom on the checklist! But after we read Melissa's book and he began to see how much pain he was causing, he decided his ADD was only mild and didn't warrant a lot of treatment. He would go back and forth on the meds. However, some made him scarier and more hostile. I left a couple months ago.
I think I have some post traumatic stress. I have big holes in my memory. But the things he did flood back into my mind when I'm trying to think of other things. I don't always sleep well. I tremble when I write about my experiences. I cry unexpected. My moods go high and then low. I am angry -- very angry. I can't stand to be around him, talk about him, and see people associated with him. I lost some of my friends who can't see that side of him -- and the things he did sometimes were so embarrassing to me I would never talk about them to others. But I'm better than I was when I was with him.
My point? If they don't get treatment, your life is going to be very rough -- multiply how bad it is now by 100. My husband didn't reveal anything until we we married (but he did rush that). If you are seeing that kind of abusive behavior now, it isn't going to get better unless he gets serious help. And guess what -- he probably isn't going to accept help from YOU, despite your good intentions. Because he didn't see that anything was wrong with him -- you are there to be the relationship scapegoat.
I left my husband recently,but I have a question,I am thinking that since we never tried the meds is our relationship so far while we were together,is there a possibility, that if he was to get proper medications for his ADHD,do things get better with the person? or their way of thinking changes for the better? exactly what side effects did you experience with your husband while he was taking meds. I am trying to seek proper help for him even though he's a bit stubborn and reluctant to do it,but, I know eventually he would do it because I gave him the ultimatum to do so or my good bye's. thanks in advance.....from:lovehurtsalotwithanger...
Taking meds and optimally treating ADHD (which means MUCH more than just meds) can be like night and day. Or, sometimes, it does nothing. Treatment includes lots of things = I would refer you to two sources - Delivered from Distraction by Ned Hallowell and my book. This will give you a better feel for the options.
Note, though, that the person who needs the treatment has to WANT to work on treatment. As they say, "pills don't teach skills" and so not much will change in your relationship until the ADHD decides it's time to change.
I think what you were seeing in the intial courtship was him hyperfocusing on you. Have you read about ADHD besides what you see on this forum? I would recommend you get Melissa Orlov's book (haven't read it myself but heard it is good).
I mentioned to another poster to that as a Non-ADDer myself watching youtube videos with Russel Barkley in them really helps to understand where the ADDer is coming from. Your partner really needs ADD treatment. The above book talks about how to get them to get treatment but regardless your partner needs to want to address the issues.
To the other poster, I don't think that medication alone goes far enough. It will definitely help but for true treatment I think the ADHDer needs to look at their coping mechanism as well.
Welcome to the nightmarish world of living with a significant other one with ADHD! Sorry, don't mean to be that sarcastic, but life with an ADHD-er can be pretty rough, and from what you are sharing, you are already experiencing it, and you are not even married!
This is my very first post too. I finally decided to share my thoughts, and hopefully they will help you with your decision.
I have been married to a man with, I'd say, severe ADHD for almost 7 years. We have 2 kids, an older girl, and a younger boy, and our daughter was diagnosed with severe ADHD at the early age of 3.5. I am just hoping that my little boy will not have it too. Of course, here in the US, ADHD is very easily handed over as a diagnosis to any kid that may be a little bit more active ...
But back to your question - should you stay or should you go? Without any hesitation I would say - GO!!!
Life will only get so much harder after the additional burden of having a family and all the responsibilities that come along with it. And, then the chances that you might have a child with ADHD will be pretty high, because, as you probably already know, it is hereditary.
My daughter is being seen by a psychologist who works with kids with ADHD. The sessions with her have been very helpful, as she not only gives me some very practical advice as to what to do, when our daughter acts a certain way, but she also helps me understand why life with my husband has become simply unbearable. I remember asking her once, why his behavior has taken a turn for the worst, since he had never been like that before. And she told me, that the added stress of having a family, kids, and many more responsibilities, push people with ADHD to the limit because this is their way to deal with stress.
I have dealt with many lies, possibly cheating, addictive behaviors, such as bidding on and buying things that he doesn't really has the money for, anger outbursts over little things, TERRIBLE finance management, verbal abuse, talking down to me, criticizing me for things that he does all the time, breaking promises, being sloppy and careless when it comes to doing things clean, cutting me short and not letting me talk when we are supposed to have a conversation, having the attention span of a 3-year old, and not having the patience to repeat a sentence if I had not heard him the first time .... Shall I go on? :) Oh, yeah, and having a pretty much nonexistent sex life. I think the list could definitely go on, because the more I think about him and how he is, the more things come up to my mind ... His verbal abuse has not yet escalated to physical, but I know that if this ever happens there is not going to be a second time. Yes, he has tossed around things, but lightly, and nothing had broken, but I think it is a matter of time before this happens ...
You said that he grabbed you by the throat. To me, this is the equivalent of hitting you. It is just as violent. And if you let him do it once and get away with it, he will do it again. I am sorry for being so blatant, but you wanted everybody's opinion, and this is mine. And I would challenge anyone on this thread who thinks that an ADHD medication will make things so much better that you will not be worried about your safety ...
And to top this off, ADHD almost always comes in a package with other, secondary conditions, such as depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, learning disorder, even bipolar disorder. These can often exist as comorbid conditions, meaning that even if a the patient is treated for ADHD, a separate treatment for the other condition will be be necessary. Here is al ink with more info on this: https://www.additudemag.com/when-its-not-just-adhd/
Sorry, didn't mean to lecture you, as you might already know all of the above. Just trying to give you a very good picture of what you might be up to ... And the violent behavior that you described certainly fits the bill of one of these comorbid conditions - anger-control problems or also intermittent explosive disorder.
In the end, it is all up to you. Do you want to live like that, knowing that things will only get worse once you have a family (presuming you want kids). Do you want to have a child and a husband with ADHD? Because, trust me, sometimes it feels like living hell ... And do you want your kids to witness how bad your husband treats you?
My husband is not taking any ADHD medication. He has promised over and over that he will try it, but is not motivated to do it, because he doesn't believe in ADHD, and hence, he doesn't't think he has it.
I have given up any hope that things between us will get better and have decided that will divorce him as soon as I become more financially independent.
Totally fed up with broken promises and bad decisions on his part. Life is too short to waste it like that, and even more importantly, I want my kids to look up to us. And what kind of a family role model can we be, if we fight all the time and he insults me in front of them?
I am sure that not all people or guys with ADHD are like that. But this has been my experience and everything I said so far is based on it.
I sincerely hope that you will make the decision that is best for you! And when making it, please try to be as emotionally impartial as possible, because you might pay a heavy toll later on ...
I couldn't agree more. I also have a grown ADHD child, and it is heartbreaking to live through the turmoil they sometimes endure. Meetings with teachers, bullying, endless IEPs and teachers' meetings, hurt feelings in a sensitive loving child, hours and hours of homework. However, a child at least has to obey you (whereas a husband does not). A child can usually learn and make progress much faster than an adult. There are joys to celebrating the little things that indicate success with a child and they may see you as their best friend and want to please. A husband may resent the behaviors you see and may vehemently deny them.
We did not stick with the meds very long. When it became apparent that he was going to flip-flop on his decision to take them (like he does with most every important decision), I left. One med seemed to be calming him and making it easier for him to concentrate at home and on his job, but he found it boring not to flit from one idea to the next. Plus he said it made urinating burn. The other one made him so hostile I was afraid of him again, for the first time in about a year. The meds were my last hope, so when he decided his ADD was mild and he was going to take up swimming to cure it..... (because "he never had these problems when he was swimming regularly" -- ignoring the fact that he was also single when he was swimming and before that he had 3 other divorces under his belt.)
Anyway, glad someone was this frank. No doubt there are many great guys with ADHD, but as Gottman said, the best predictor of a successful marriage is whether the man is willing to share power. Amen! If they don't want to share and treat you as an equal (even if you disagree with them and you are like 90% of the population and they are like 10%), run like ____. (a rabbit)
Stay or Leave?
Submitted by lynnie70 on
I stayed with my husband four years. From what you have written, we could have been married to the same man, except we are in our 50's. He escalated the abusiveness from the moment we got married. He is very insecure and made demands sexually, on my time, on what I ate, on virtually every aspect of my life. People now ask me why I put up with it, what I was thinking. I don't know. I guess I just thought everyone wanted to improve themselves and he just didn't know how. Anyway, I finally decided he was not going to hurt me, just tear things up and make a lot of noise. So eventually I would go on to sleep when he would begin raging at night, just ignoring it. When he realized he couldn't cause the drama anymore, he punched me one day. Right in the nose, twice. I had been reading my email -- no fighting, just came almost out of the blue. We separated 8 months. He went to counseling for domestic violence. We got back together and went to counseling.
I just don't see much of a winning situation for many non-ADD spouses. He had gone to so much counseling, he could charm the counselors. If I said he did something, he calmly explained how he didn't, and they frequently believed him, trying to level the playing field I guess, and tell us how everyone had their own reality and people frequently saw things differently. No one could see the real person he was with me. During the time I was with him, I lost all support from family and friends. We moved to another state and he admitted freely that he had ADHD and had known it all his life but was never treated. He seemed to think it was funny. He agreed to meds, but it didn't change anything. Before starting treatment, he said he fit every symptom on the checklist! But after we read Melissa's book and he began to see how much pain he was causing, he decided his ADD was only mild and didn't warrant a lot of treatment. He would go back and forth on the meds. However, some made him scarier and more hostile. I left a couple months ago.
I think I have some post traumatic stress. I have big holes in my memory. But the things he did flood back into my mind when I'm trying to think of other things. I don't always sleep well. I tremble when I write about my experiences. I cry unexpected. My moods go high and then low. I am angry -- very angry. I can't stand to be around him, talk about him, and see people associated with him. I lost some of my friends who can't see that side of him -- and the things he did sometimes were so embarrassing to me I would never talk about them to others. But I'm better than I was when I was with him.
My point? If they don't get treatment, your life is going to be very rough -- multiply how bad it is now by 100. My husband didn't reveal anything until we we married (but he did rush that). If you are seeing that kind of abusive behavior now, it isn't going to get better unless he gets serious help. And guess what -- he probably isn't going to accept help from YOU, despite your good intentions. Because he didn't see that anything was wrong with him -- you are there to be the relationship scapegoat.
Good luck. Think long and hard.
Hi lynnie.
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
I left my husband recently,but I have a question,I am thinking that since we never tried the meds is our relationship so far while we were together,is there a possibility, that if he was to get proper medications for his ADHD,do things get better with the person? or their way of thinking changes for the better? exactly what side effects did you experience with your husband while he was taking meds. I am trying to seek proper help for him even though he's a bit stubborn and reluctant to do it,but, I know eventually he would do it because I gave him the ultimatum to do so or my good bye's. thanks in advance.....from:lovehurtsalotwithanger...
can meds help?
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Taking meds and optimally treating ADHD (which means MUCH more than just meds) can be like night and day. Or, sometimes, it does nothing. Treatment includes lots of things = I would refer you to two sources - Delivered from Distraction by Ned Hallowell and my book. This will give you a better feel for the options.
Note, though, that the person who needs the treatment has to WANT to work on treatment. As they say, "pills don't teach skills" and so not much will change in your relationship until the ADHD decides it's time to change.
I think what you were seeing
Submitted by tdsb12 on
I think what you were seeing in the intial courtship was him hyperfocusing on you. Have you read about ADHD besides what you see on this forum? I would recommend you get Melissa Orlov's book (haven't read it myself but heard it is good).
I mentioned to another poster to that as a Non-ADDer myself watching youtube videos with Russel Barkley in them really helps to understand where the ADDer is coming from. Your partner really needs ADD treatment. The above book talks about how to get them to get treatment but regardless your partner needs to want to address the issues.
To the other poster, I don't think that medication alone goes far enough. It will definitely help but for true treatment I think the ADHDer needs to look at their coping mechanism as well.
If I were you I would break it off as soon as I can ...
Submitted by So_tired_2012 on
Dear Kata,
Welcome to the nightmarish world of living with a significant other one with ADHD! Sorry, don't mean to be that sarcastic, but life with an ADHD-er can be pretty rough, and from what you are sharing, you are already experiencing it, and you are not even married!
This is my very first post too. I finally decided to share my thoughts, and hopefully they will help you with your decision.
I have been married to a man with, I'd say, severe ADHD for almost 7 years. We have 2 kids, an older girl, and a younger boy, and our daughter was diagnosed with severe ADHD at the early age of 3.5. I am just hoping that my little boy will not have it too. Of course, here in the US, ADHD is very easily handed over as a diagnosis to any kid that may be a little bit more active ...
But back to your question - should you stay or should you go? Without any hesitation I would say - GO!!!
Life will only get so much harder after the additional burden of having a family and all the responsibilities that come along with it. And, then the chances that you might have a child with ADHD will be pretty high, because, as you probably already know, it is hereditary.
My daughter is being seen by a psychologist who works with kids with ADHD. The sessions with her have been very helpful, as she not only gives me some very practical advice as to what to do, when our daughter acts a certain way, but she also helps me understand why life with my husband has become simply unbearable. I remember asking her once, why his behavior has taken a turn for the worst, since he had never been like that before. And she told me, that the added stress of having a family, kids, and many more responsibilities, push people with ADHD to the limit because this is their way to deal with stress.
I have dealt with many lies, possibly cheating, addictive behaviors, such as bidding on and buying things that he doesn't really has the money for, anger outbursts over little things, TERRIBLE finance management, verbal abuse, talking down to me, criticizing me for things that he does all the time, breaking promises, being sloppy and careless when it comes to doing things clean, cutting me short and not letting me talk when we are supposed to have a conversation, having the attention span of a 3-year old, and not having the patience to repeat a sentence if I had not heard him the first time .... Shall I go on? :) Oh, yeah, and having a pretty much nonexistent sex life. I think the list could definitely go on, because the more I think about him and how he is, the more things come up to my mind ... His verbal abuse has not yet escalated to physical, but I know that if this ever happens there is not going to be a second time. Yes, he has tossed around things, but lightly, and nothing had broken, but I think it is a matter of time before this happens ...
You said that he grabbed you by the throat. To me, this is the equivalent of hitting you. It is just as violent. And if you let him do it once and get away with it, he will do it again. I am sorry for being so blatant, but you wanted everybody's opinion, and this is mine. And I would challenge anyone on this thread who thinks that an ADHD medication will make things so much better that you will not be worried about your safety ...
And to top this off, ADHD almost always comes in a package with other, secondary conditions, such as depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, learning disorder, even bipolar disorder. These can often exist as comorbid conditions, meaning that even if a the patient is treated for ADHD, a separate treatment for the other condition will be be necessary. Here is al ink with more info on this:
https://www.additudemag.com/when-its-not-just-adhd/
Sorry, didn't mean to lecture you, as you might already know all of the above. Just trying to give you a very good picture of what you might be up to ... And the violent behavior that you described certainly fits the bill of one of these comorbid conditions - anger-control problems or also intermittent explosive disorder.
In the end, it is all up to you. Do you want to live like that, knowing that things will only get worse once you have a family (presuming you want kids). Do you want to have a child and a husband with ADHD? Because, trust me, sometimes it feels like living hell ... And do you want your kids to witness how bad your husband treats you?
My husband is not taking any ADHD medication. He has promised over and over that he will try it, but is not motivated to do it, because he doesn't believe in ADHD, and hence, he doesn't't think he has it.
I have given up any hope that things between us will get better and have decided that will divorce him as soon as I become more financially independent.
Totally fed up with broken promises and bad decisions on his part. Life is too short to waste it like that, and even more importantly, I want my kids to look up to us. And what kind of a family role model can we be, if we fight all the time and he insults me in front of them?
I am sure that not all people or guys with ADHD are like that. But this has been my experience and everything I said so far is based on it.
I sincerely hope that you will make the decision that is best for you! And when making it, please try to be as emotionally impartial as possible, because you might pay a heavy toll later on ...
Good luck and take very good care of yourself!
Well Stated -
Submitted by lynnie70 on
I couldn't agree more. I also have a grown ADHD child, and it is heartbreaking to live through the turmoil they sometimes endure. Meetings with teachers, bullying, endless IEPs and teachers' meetings, hurt feelings in a sensitive loving child, hours and hours of homework. However, a child at least has to obey you (whereas a husband does not). A child can usually learn and make progress much faster than an adult. There are joys to celebrating the little things that indicate success with a child and they may see you as their best friend and want to please. A husband may resent the behaviors you see and may vehemently deny them.
We did not stick with the meds very long. When it became apparent that he was going to flip-flop on his decision to take them (like he does with most every important decision), I left. One med seemed to be calming him and making it easier for him to concentrate at home and on his job, but he found it boring not to flit from one idea to the next. Plus he said it made urinating burn. The other one made him so hostile I was afraid of him again, for the first time in about a year. The meds were my last hope, so when he decided his ADD was mild and he was going to take up swimming to cure it..... (because "he never had these problems when he was swimming regularly" -- ignoring the fact that he was also single when he was swimming and before that he had 3 other divorces under his belt.)
Anyway, glad someone was this frank. No doubt there are many great guys with ADHD, but as Gottman said, the best predictor of a successful marriage is whether the man is willing to share power. Amen! If they don't want to share and treat you as an equal (even if you disagree with them and you are like 90% of the population and they are like 10%), run like ____. (a rabbit)