Hi there,
Im a first time poster, and, like Im sure many of you, I am tearing my hair out over my spouses symptoms. Every day, all day, his symptoms are a problem. I have been lurking on this site for a while, and I really appreciate that a lot of you know exactly how it is. I feel awful but comforted, if that makes any sense, and Im really sorry that you-- whoever you are-- are in a position to know. I wouldnt wish this on anyone. I need to vent, so take this for what it's worth okay? Im not saying Im completely right, nor that he's completely wrong. I understand that no one is perfect. But... since Im telling this from my side.... here we go.
Yeah, my husband is a great guy-- to everyone else. Just you know, not to me, the person who is supposed to matter most to him. I believe he means well, and Ill give him credit for that, but he never follows through, expects to be praised lavishly for absolutely no action at all, then gets defensive, mean, and verbally abusive when I point out that he doesnt really deserve praise for doing something if he (dun dun dun!) hasn't done it. If I want an apology for letting me down in that regard, I get an "Im sorry youre so oversensitive". Thats NOT an apology, my friends. Thats blaming. There's no responsibility taken at all for his actions, his inactions, the hurt, inconvenience or disappointment he causes. Somehow, it's all my fault. If I had kept him on task... but if I try, he wont do it because Im nagging. If only I had reminded him, but then I get yelled at for doing that, because I didnt do it at a time that was good for him or in a tone that he approved of ("Hey, could you please..?" is offensive, abusive, and completely unacceptable, apparently). He stresses me out constangtly, then demands I not be stressed out, because he doesnt like being around me when I am.
We disagree constantly, and while I am very frustrated and occasionally get harsh, I do try to think about what I say and how I say it. If I am unduly harsh, I apologize immediately, because that kind of thing deserves an apology, you know? It's harder and harder though, because Im always walking on eggshells. If he clearly has misunderstood, and I say, "Oh, I think I didnt word that right, because it seems to me that you've misunderstood what I was getting at", he feels free to curse at me and call me every name in the book for ... get this... calling him stupid (Wait...), telling him that he cant do anything right (what?) and not just admitting that what he thinks is the problem is actually the problem (I don't even...). There is NO way to talk to that man without getting yelled at and then him cutting the conversation off because of his perception that any disagreement equals unbridled, undeserved hostility.
When I try to speak to him-- calmly, rationally, and using every last bit of patience I have-- I get talked over. I gently point out that he doesnt like it when I interrupt, and Id appreciate if he wouldnt interrupt me, and then, oh dear, the fight is ON. That, to him, means that I dont respect his adhd, that I am demanding that he just "get over" his disability to make myself comfortable, that I am being selfish/controlling/demanding and that he, again, can never do anything right. Then, surprise of all surprises, I get obscenities screamed at me for being such an insensitive you-know-what about something he cant help, and then, to *punish* me, he ignores me for hours. He makes a big production (isnt everything a production) over how he isnt perfect, yet seems to find it a-ok that he demand nothing short of perfection from me.
Its such a double standard. He doesnt have to have patience. He can yell and scream. He can drop the ball on any issue and Im supposed to praise him for the mere fact that he agreed to take care of an issue, though he didnt actually do anything. Yet, in the meantime, I get more work, I get yelled at, I get sworn at, I get accused of everything under the sun, and he has zero patience at all. Im not a spouse. Im not a partner. Im a servant who exists only to make his life better.
For example, I was dead on my feet after 2 hours of sleep yesterday and thirteen hours of house cleaning/renovations. We have company coming and there are a ton of last minute things to do. I was literally falling asleep at the dinner table, and he offered to do the dishes. I agreed and thanked him profusely for taking that off my plate, so to speak, then immediately after dinner, I went to bed. I woke up this morning to find that he hadnt done a thing. The dishes had dried on gunk, and what wouldve taken him 30 mins to wash at the time took me 2 hours. I brought it up, and ultimately, I was told that he didnt want (his wants! So many wants!) to have that conversation with me, because he *meant* to do it. I didnt drop it. I told him that I wasnt going to go unheard and I was sad and disappointed and frustrated, at which point he called me a petty b-- and told me to f-- off, and that he hated me. I intellectually understand that he feels defensive and that he just doesnt have any reasonable coping strategies, but it's impossible not to take this personally. I do not, and will not, excuse this behavior.
I know this isnt just ADD or ADHD. I know there are plenty of folks with ADD or ADHD who arent complete jerks.... but, alas, my spouse is not one of those people. I hate to admit this, but he's just awful, and every time he opens his mouth to defend himself against a percieved slight or to tell me that I dont actually feel the way I do (because thats not what he intended and his intentions are all that matter), I find myself less and less open to loving him. I believe every person is worthy of love and respect, and I would love to see him get that love and respect, but not at the expense of me or the kids. He and his feelings are important, but no more or less important than anyone else's.
I know this may surprise some of you ( just kidding, it wont) but he wasnt like this before we got married. Hyperfocus, and all that. I feel tricked into marrying someone I NEVER would have even accepted a second date with if he acted then like he acts now. And, again with no big surprise, I resent him greatly for that. He's like a child. If I had wanted another child, Id have gotten pregnant and had one, not married one. Hes medicated, and feels that his job in controlling his anger and irresponsibility is done, and anything left over is my doing.
Honestly, my relationship sucks. I want out, but, a small part of me still wants to try before I throw in the towel and bid him adieu. Where the heck do I go from here?
hi. you're ok!
Submitted by wishiknew on
Hi. You are not a "pitypotie"! My first thought for you is to be gentle with yourself. It is hard to live with someone who has ADHD -- very hard -- and I totally understand your dilemma.
I often joke (in a sad, ironic, cynical kind of way) that my husband who is a hard core ADHD-er is the "Encyclopedia of Excuses". He is SO good at denying, deflecting and defending himself any time he lets me or anyone else down. I wonder gee if that energy was only put into NOT letting people down and screwing things up what he could accomplish! Underneath that I am more than certain he knows the truth -- it is just too much for him to deal with and he just can't seem to get his ADHD under control. After all, he's had it for a lifetime and didn't know what it was until he was middle aged already -- and now, he can't organize himself to do what's necessary to manage it. SO FRUSTRATING. For me it has been an endless exercise in frustration too. I twist myself into a pretzel and do all sorts of other things to try and "fix it", do everything necessary to run a household alone (though he is rather opinionated even though he doesn't DO anything!) fight with him, plead, beg, argue, nag all to the point of exhaustion. Right now what I am doing is as Melissa says "trying differently". I have to. Because I am making myself sick the way I've been handling this so far. So, what I am doing is deciding what I absolutely require of him -- and am leaving him to deal with the outcomes of his behavior on his own whenever possible. I am not asking him to do things I know he can't or won't do. I am ignoring things I see him doing with his work and business that I know are issues and leaving him to deal with it. I am ignoring his irregular sleep patterns and going about MY business and living the way I want to. We have this ridiculous thing where the ONE thing I ask him to do is walk the dog in the morning. Well, it turns out even this is hard for him to do. And I am generally always up before him so I just do it. I feel bad for the dog if I don't because his morning walk time is so inconsistent and I don't think that's fair. I can see the anxiety it causes the dog. How about that? His ADHD causes my dog anxiety! I guess there are really no easy answers. I feel like I am too old and too in this to leave at this stage so I'm looking for peaceful ways to live with him now and it regardless of what he does. EXCEPT -- figuring out boundary lines that I simply REFUSE to let him cross in terms of my expectations. I knew I married a "free spirit" -- it was fun and exciting and we were a dynamic and engaging young couple to admire who showed a lot of promise. We were bright shiny objects. But I didn't know REALLY where all that fun and exciting stuff came from and if I had I think I would've backed out and chosen differently. Now I know. So I have to accept what I did and make the most out of this situation I can. We'll see. I encourage you to detach a bit from his behavior and simply focus on YOU and YOURSELF. Do things FOR YOU. Whatever is necessary to put the focus back on what gives you peace, joy and comfort. Very hard -- I'm struggling with it -- because I'm so angry and frustrated but the fact is I'm now sick and tired of being angry and frustrated. It isn't getting me anywhere! And all I want is peace and happiness. My best to you. YOU ARE NOT A PITYPOTPIE -- it's just REALLY HARD!!!
Yes, that "fun loving, free
Submitted by pitypotpie on
Yes, that "fun loving, free spirited" type surely comes back to bite us, doesnt it? I feel bad for your dog on this matter too, and funny enough, I have the exact same expectation-- just, take care of the dog. But, too hard, like you said. Im an immigrant and I know virtually NO ONE here, so detaching myself is really difficult because it means that I detach myself from all social interaction. He's it, unfortunately. Thats okay I guess though-- I really do have plenty of interests that dont involve him and that I can enjoy all for myself. Your post made me think that I really need to stop trying so hard with him and start doing things that I like again. Thank you for such a timely reminder that I matter too, and that Im *allowed* to do things that are above and beyond what I do now, which is just cooking, biting my tongue, cleaning, washing and repeating. Thank you. I hope all the best for you, and your dog. (BTW, what kind of dog do you have? I have three-- all big pups, all rescues, one with special needs. )
sister wives
Submitted by fixingme on
You know all of us pitypotpie and since we all are with the same man, we are sister wives right? I have no one either,
except my friends. I lost both my parents several years ago. All along I thought my ADHD boyfriend was being patient while
I took care of my parents. Little did I know he had lost interest and didn't care that I wasn't around all the time. Lol. Silly me,
I thought I had the perfect man.
fun loving free spirit can't walk the dog.
Submitted by wishiknew on
hey pitypotpie. i have a labrador retriever. he was also a rescue. great dog! more reliable than my husband ; )
:(
Submitted by snsforever916 on
I was trying to come up with some witty line or something other than a sad face for the subject line, but honestly it's as creative as I can be right now.
My husband is the same way. He wants praise for things he doesn't even do and sure as heck for everything he does do. My favorite is when he tells me I should be thanking my lucky stars because he could be cheating on me all day while I am at work and instead looks at pornography or plays video games...(not working via his business or taking care of the children like he should be.) He acts like taking a shower and sleeping all night should be Olympic events where he deserves a gold medal, or as though throwing away his own trash and not snot rocketing his boogies everywhere in the house is only for me and thus I need to thank him. The constant need for praise, reassurance and over all coddling for things that are basic human requirements are BEYOND frustrating.
However, I have made it into a game. I know it's kinda passive aggressive but we fight less so whatever it takes I guess. I PRAISE EVERYTHING. When he flushes the toilet, I act as though he's won a noble peace prize. Sometimes it even annoys him but he no longer forgets to leave the toilet unflushed. I have found for him nagging NEVER worked...simply asking didn't ever. It's kinda like you have a hubby that is a new puppy. There is a huge language disconnect obviously but they can understand tone, especially when it comes to praise. AND praise is the best thing that works with most men anyways...and it's the ONLY thing that works with ADD/ADHD men.
I also notice your husband, like mine, has this certain internal conversation/extremely twisted view of how the conversation is going and what ACTUAL words are being said. I think for my husband it's partially the fact that he's already over talking about anything I have to talk about, I talk too slowly and it's not something he's interested in talking about so he will make it a fight so it can be over or to further aggravate the fight because fighting increases his brain chemistry reaction and that makes him feel more "normal".
I also feel duped. My husband hid his now very frustrating behavior traits very well and I do feel as though I am stuck with someone I don't even know, who is constantly is in a state of chaos and I am the number one person to blame, belittle, argue with and essentially alienate. I do not have a partner, lover or best friend. I have a roommate I cannot stand and that I have to at least deal with on a more than regular basis because we have children together. It sucks to be jealous of other people's marriages and relationships because although I realize other couples have issues...it's definitely not like the issues my relationship has, not even a fraction.
I feel as though I cannot talk to anyone beyond people who do not know us because no one sees the man I see. Even looking past MANY faults and behaviors that drive me nuts, deep down, I just cannot stand the person he is, insecure, rude, entitled, illogical, severely emotional, argumentative, hurtful and out right MEAN. I believe counseling would help but who can afford that when he has to buy every jersey or hat he sees on EBAY or better yet find another rather expensive hobby to invest in, only do for a month or two and then allow to collect dust in a garage I would love to park my car in or possibly turn into a gym/rec room for the boys and me.
Huh...sometimes it feels great to just vent, realizing that it's honestly beyond our control and even if we ever figure out the magical solution to help effectively communicate with our spouses...something will change and it will put us back at square one...All that time lost with very little to show.
I wish I could say I ever had that magical moment of "Wow, our relationship is really solid and I feel like I have a partner." But I haven't and I doubt I ever will. Every step forward is always 3-4 steps back. I've learned to control what I can ultimately have control of. Learning to take care of myself 1st, boys 2nd, everything else 3rd and hubby dead last. I cannot rely on him so I just don't. I know it is the death of my marriage and I have come to that realization with actual celebration. When my youngest is in school, I will be able to officially leave and I feel some comfort in that, as my spouse has chosen to NOT work on our marriage. Therefore, I invest little into it and just make our days as peaceful as they can be.
Just praying that your husband is willing to work at your marriage because it takes two constantly working and seeing how their behaviors, expectations and emotions play into the dynamics of the relationship. Anything less and it fails....miserably.
:(:(
Submitted by pitypotpie on
Ha, if you had come up with a witty subject line, then I'd have felt pressure to come up with something witty in return!
I identify with Every Single Thing you said, to the point where Im almost ready to ask my husband if he has a secret family with snsforever916, because holy cow, it's the same guy.
I had to laugh (with you, and bitterly) about having to praise for stuff he did not do, like cheating. I get that all the time too. When that kind of thing comes up, I wonder if he realizes how illogical and ridiculous hes being., and how he would react if I asked him to praise me for things that I did not do that day. I cant remember the last time I was praised for not accidently burning the house down or not robbing a bank or not refusing to use the bathroom and going on the floor instead. Are these things that should be praised? I mean, REALLY? Or are they things that should be expected? Should I praise him for every single awful thing he managed not to do that day? "Gee honey, Im glad you werent a genocidal maniac today! Im really proud of you!" "Wow, dear, did you really manage not to carjack anyone at gunpoint today? Thats great! Good for you!"
Seriously though, I totally and completely understand about your marriage dying because of being unable to rely on them. Its hard-- too hard. With everything else that goes on in anyones life, your spouse should be guaranteed to be someone who loves, supports and co-operates. The fact that there's none of that, and in fact is the exact opposite of any accepted meaning of the term "partnership"... well, wheres the marriage in that? Yeah, its on paper, but certainly not in practice most of the time. I hate feeling that way, but there we have it, I guess. It is what it is. I just wish the true colors were shown in the beginning, so I couldve made a true, accurate assessment of whether I wanted to marry him or not.
I can definitely relate to
Submitted by lauren07 on
I can definitely relate to the "needs constant praise" issue, but the line that really sticks out is: I do not have a partner, lover or best friend. I have a roommate I cannot stand and that I have to at least deal with on a more than regular basis because we have children together. THIS is exactly how I feel. Our marriage is done, but temporarily living with him as a roommate is still hard.
Is it an affair if your ADHD partner doesn't care?
Submitted by fixingme on
Sometimes I think it is okay to just have an affair, get what I need from another man, love, attention, respect and sex. He would never notice anyway, and if he did, he probably wouldn't care. It would probably make me more exiting to him. Once I felt like a person again, perhaps I could leave the ADHD man to whatever it is that interests him, because it certainly isn't and will never be me. I am too old to waste my life struggling with this disease, it is detrimental to my health, both mental and physical. I want to love and be loved, to be happy and emotionally fulfilled. To not loathe the person in my life that I should look forward to being with. I cry and beg God to help me with this struggle, to help me cope, to help me save myself. Perhaps my prayer should be to leave and stay gone, no matter how much he begs me back. I have left so many times, only to have my heart tugged back when he tries to do 'better.' He isn't a serial killer, after all, though sometimes he acts really weird.
Had to laugh about the
Submitted by AmyT on
Had to laugh about the constantly needing praise part...a few months ago my husband went on a business trip, and when he got back, he was galled that I wasn't insanely happy that he *didn't* cheat on me while he was gone! I'm chuckling now, but at the time, I just had no words. Well ok, I had some, but they weren't nice.
I love it...seriously laughing so hard I'm almost crying
Submitted by snsforever916 on
I love the wanting credit for things they don't do...burning down the house...ahaha
And yes, ADHD men and their actions are so similiar that often times reading these forums make me think that my husband has families all across the world!
Sadly, I think of my husband almost like he is a dog...literally. Dogs are reactionary creatures. You are nice and loving and they will be. However, we don't expect much from our dogs....sit, shake, fetch, etc Now if we started expecting them to get their own food, walk themselves and goodness forbid pick up their own poop and they would begin to act very differently. Then if we yelled at, hit or ignored the dog...they would become aggressive, violent and react as animals do.
Dogs never want correction just praise and even if their behavior is out and right lazy or destructive, we do not expect much from them and make a short correction and go on with our lives.
I've begun to interact with my hubby like I do my dog. Give him a few pats, a few treats, constant positive reinforcement and go on with my life expecting very little from my crazy little mut...I mean husband. It has seriously got me through so many difficult days.
I know this may seem beyond insensitive to refer to your hubby as a dog...I guess I just do this to keep me from going crazy since dogs are such simple and loving creatures. :)
Ditto. Welcome to the forum;
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Ditto. Welcome to the forum; I really appreciate the black humor!
Thanks for the welcome! If I
Submitted by pitypotpie on
Thanks for the welcome! If I didnt laugh, Id cry.... and Id probably never stop. Anyway, ive sen many of your posts from lurking-- its great to get to meet you in person (kind of, sort of?)!
Maaaaan, dogs are great. I
Submitted by pitypotpie on
Maaaaan, dogs are great. I have three of the grinning, furry, belly-scratch-lovin beasts, and I adore them dearly. But if we wanted a relationship like that, we'd go to the local animal shelter (Adopt, folks! Rescue dogs are the best dogs!), and not get married. Its such a frustrating spot to be in. I can see your logic in that, and while I dont doubt for one second that it would alleviate the fighting, it cant be a step on the road to healthy spousal relationship, you know?
ADHD Wife Here
Submitted by mghelp on
It’s actually hard to find ADHD women out there, most of you on here are all normal, but I’m seeing that as a good thing, because you have a woman’s perspective into ADHD.
So I’ve been reading through this string of post, trying to figure out what it is I’m missing with my husband (we are a blended family – dated for three years, married one, I have two kids, he has one), because he says all the same things about me that you say about your spouses. One minute it's - I’m not consistent enough with the kids and the next - it’s I take everything he says the wrong way … all the same stuff.
I WANT so bad to just “get it”. Wishiknew posted “Underneath that I am more than certain he knows the truth”. Us ADHD folks might think we know, but we really don’t know jack. Honestly, I am only now, even after reading the book TWICE, understanding where you all are coming from. I know my husband has said the same things to me, that you have posted here but I just didn’t come close to getting it until now.
For instance, instead of me jumping to “he’s being mean to me”, I need to think about what else he could mean instead of that and react appropriately. My problem is I take what he says literal and pitypotpie, you are right (regarding my post you responded to - thank you), I take it negatively or as an attack. If he says “why are you loading the dishwasher like that”, I think who is he to tell me how to do something? I’ve been doing this for 10 years, as a single working parent! When in reality, he was asking me that because the dishwasher was broke and there was no point in loading it up. Of course, I am already mad about the child/parent dynamic here, so I then twist it and say to him, “well, I was just loading the top, you are going to do a test run anyway”, instead of saying yeah he was right, and that no, it wasn’t an attack on me like I thought it was. But at that time, I believe what I’m saying. The sad part is, I will probably forget that I have learned this logic as soon as I log off. I do not want that at all. And instead of trying harder to remember, I’ve got to figure out, in my way, how to make this stick, and the same goes for you guys husbands. Trying to control us, doesn’t work, because we misread your good intentions. Maybe that is why the book says to be the best person that YOU can be? Because ultimately, it’s up to us to change our thinking. Yeah we take our medicine, but it’s our job to figure this out too and not just use ADHD as an excuse.
Any of your input is appreciated.
**** added ****
I also would like to mention that I love my husband dearly and desire his love and affection, and my ultimate fear is that my ADHD will make him as bitter as some of you are. I definitely don’t want for him to think of me like I’m a dog. I don’t want him to be lonely, I want us to have a close relationship where he can depend on me and not have to “walk on eggshells”.
I really dont understand how
Submitted by pitypotpie on
I really dont understand how it is for you, but I can understand that it is awfully hard. I cant imagine how it is to be distracted by everything-- even, or maybe especially, random thoughts-- and to be forgetful about things that you really dont mean to forget.
Mghelp, Id like to apologize if I have said anything youve taken offense to, as someone with ADD. I know that I can be a bit insensitive while venting, and it certainly isnt directed at you at all. Im really frustrated at ADD right now, and I mourn the loss of my idea of marriage, if that makes sense. Id also like to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for talking about what it is like to have ADD. I think sometimes that things get too heated with my spouse and I take things too personally. Its really really beneficial to be able to talk to someone who-- to put it bluntly-- hasnt told me to eff off in the last hour. And I know Id feel, if I were in your shoes, like I was walking into the lions den by coming into a non-ADD spouse thread and talking about things from the other side of the fence. Dang, girl... that took courage, and I commend you for that, for real.
I dont have anything at all to suggest, because it seems to me that youre on the right track. I dont know, and I feel that in a way, we all want the same thing-- love, respect, affection, partnership-- and we are all struggling in the dark on how to achieve that. But, to me, it sounds like you are on the right path. Does your spouse know about this site, or do you think he'd have any interest in joining? It might be helpful for him to see (as it was helpful for me to see) that it's not that I am the only one with issues like this in my marriage. Even that made me feel so much better, and made me feel that while I was struggling, I definitely wasnt alone or crazy for struggling. Too often, we non-ADDers seem to se ADD/ADHD as a simple matter of "Oh, he's sometimes forgetful", or "Oh, she fidgets a lot", or "wow, they wandered off while I was talking to them". I dont think, until you come on a site like this, that you really see how many things in the course of everyday life are affected, and how many people struggle with aspects of ADD/ADHD that are a whole lot more than just a wee bit scatterbrained or fidgety. And who knows, maybe someone like you will talk to him, like you talked to me, and it'll bring a bit more empathy to your relationship? Thats never a bad thing, and I appreciate that youve brought that into my relationship just by stating your point of view. :)
Bless you for your patience!
Submitted by mghelp on
No you did not offend me at all! I love that I get your perspective, and since I’m not married to you – I can listen and not take it as criticism :))! I really do feel for everyone going through this on both sides. It’s heart retching reading some of these posts, but how else can we learn if we don’t try to understand each other?
Having ADHD is like thinking outside the box, but constantly – it’s exhausting. Nothing I think about can just be straight forward and easy. For instance, while typing these posts, I will go back and correct, reread, edit several times and still have mistakes herein. (And I’m not retarded – I should know by now since I work at a law office and all.) And like with my relationship, I’m trying to make corrections by thinking, reading, listening but I still make mistakes. But I will say that in no way is someone verbally abusing you right or OK because they got angry and can’t control their impulse. Because to be honest, yelling or blurting out is to make us ADHD people feel better at the moment. It’s not OK to do that and you have every right to be mad/upset/POed!
You said you mourn the loss of your idea of your marriage, and that is what I’m super afraid of, that he feels let down by me. I believe that we ADHD spouses do want what you said, love, respect, etc. And yes, I’m not doing it intentional, but I do know I shouldn’t say things like I hate him when he’s just frustrated with me and our situation, but at that time, like I’ve said before, I’m too busy engaged in the argument to think about that! How crazy of me! I know some have said if only I knew before I got serious and got married, and it kills me to think he thinks the same way. Right now I know we aren’t beyond hope, he’s told me he’s not to that stage and hopefully things will improve for us soon.
Again, thanks so much for the posts.
Mghelp, I think you need to
Submitted by pitypotpie on
Mghelp, I think you need to see this. :) http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/huge-thank-you-another-user-here-and... .
The Road to, you know where.....
Submitted by Gladiola on
Right before my ADD hubby was diagnosed I was at the very end of my very tattered and frayed rope. No matter what he did, or didn't do, he wanted to be judged, praised and rewarded on his intentions and not what actually happened. He wouldn't even attempt, try or start things but he "intended to". Or when he said something nasty or abusive he "didn't intend it to be said like that or for me to take it like that" so in his mind it didn't count and I was insensitive to his intentions and what he really meant. It felt like the road to my own personally Hell had been paved with his good intentions. Hang in there. Unfortunately it appears that none of us are alone in our experiences.
Gladiola - I am so glad that
Submitted by thewrongone on
Gladiola - I am so glad that I found your words. They describe what I cannot right now. And so perfectly. My son (almost 6) was dx'd with Asperger's two years ago. And from there I began putting two and two together about my husband. At first I thought it was Asperger's because that was what I was learning heavily about. And I do believe he has some Aspie tendencies (my son was a cake walk compared to the stories his mother has told me about how he was when he was a child - very strange, rigid behaviour, and he is still VERY rigid). But then I bought a book that included ADD/ADHD on the ASD spectrum (I believe that ADD and ADHD are on the spectrum) and it blew my mind. I asked my husband about it and of course it was met with disbelief and some anger. I've seen a lot of anger from him regarding what I (AND his entire family as well as mine) believe is going on with him. After over a year of being patient and talking about this with him and his family, going through some tremendously difficult situations (I discovered he was smoking pot which only exacerbates his many negative symptoms and had been lying to me about for SIX years even though I had suspected many times and asked him repeatedly so not only am I dealing with ADHD but also a liar) he is finally going for an ADHD dx in late March, and it cannot come soon enough. Now I see why his mother overcompenstated for him as a child - he is incapable on so many levels and has NO life skills. I am very concerned that if anything were to happen to me that he would not be able to look after our children, he just could not do it. He can hardly make his own lunch for work let alone get our kids ready for school. And I'm angry at myself for only really seeing this now, after 12 years of being together! Before I thought he wasn't good at doing what he said he would - whatever that might be - contributing to household chores, finances, basically anything that requires responsibility because he grew up with his mommy doing everything for him and so that's why he struggled. I didn't realize how complex all of this is. He is incapable of anything unless I play mom and double check and do everything myself anyways. And I am so over feeling like his mother. It's definitely like I have 3 children, not 2. He used to be a bit better, but once life really began happening to us and we were expecting our first child, his symptoms became worse. Every life change he gets worse. The year after our second was born was nearly unliveable for me, and then soon after our son was dx'd with autism. I have a big life, I have a lot on my plate. I am in charge of my amazing son and every aspect of his learning and his therapy, working hard to ensure that he has a successful life. That in itself is beyond exhausting. I'm a boss, I have meetings with his carers, his school, run around to different groups that are crucial to his success, I hire and fire, I'm my own secretary - I work hard for my child and I get no help from my husband. On top of this I have chronic back pain due to a bad foot that requires a total reconstruction but that I am 20 years too young for (7 month recovery). And I know that me being in pain all the time isn't nice for anyone, including him, that's not lost on me - I understand it would be hard for him. I don't know how I can keep going, raising our two kids PLUS being in charge of every aspect of our household. We talked the other day and I told him that I do about 90% of the housework (at least! I was being nice!!) and he was upset that I said his contribution was so low. It would be easier if I was a single mother and if I had money, I would leave. I feel so hopeless right now. Nothing gets done unless I do it myself or directly supervise him. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being last with everything. He focuses on and pays loving attention to the things he is interested in, but not me or responsibilities of the house. He does spend time with his kids, but only doing what he wants (riding bikes, being outside). He's never sat to play games or colour with our kids, even though I have asked a million times for him to do that - it would be awesome therapy for my son to sit and do those things with his dad, too, not just me or his therapists. He's not actively involved in his programs. And I'm the one who had to teach our son to ride a bike (didn't come naturally and was a lot of hard work on my sons part) because my husband can't control his anger or disappointment if my son doesn't do something the way he thinks it should be done, right away. Maybe I don't write things out or sit and think things through fully because it's hard to face just how bad everything is. I am sorry for opening up and overwhelming you with this gigantic paragraph. I mostly just wanted to say that I was relieved to read your words because they are my own. I am so upset for my life because I never thought it would turn out to be like this. Tormented and sad. WHY did I choose this person. I feel like I have made such a terrible mistake and now I don't know how to help myself and there are two kids along for the ride now, too.
Ugh, sorry, I'll shut up now. I hope it's ok if I keep an eye out for your postings. I have never read this site, only just found it this morning after a difficult time him this morning in front of our kids (after I asked him over and over to please stop and then he ended up calling ME a loser in front of them). This is just so awful. And I fully expect him to come begging for forgiveness AGAIN tonight and I just wish I could take my kids and leave. I never thought I would say this. My vows meant something to me. But I don't see what the point of being married is.
Sorry for complaining.
Oh honey.....
Submitted by Gladiola on
Thewrongone- first off, deep breaths. I'm sending you a big hug and I want you to know that you are not alone. One of the things I found when I started researching a couple months ago was how shockingly similar all the stories and situations are. I am still a newbie to the whole situation myself (well the post discovery aha moment and diagnosis, not living with it unfortunately) but an understanding of what and why things that have been happening for years, happened, has helped my psyche immensely.
I'm going to share something I realized that made me feel empowered when I was at my wits end and wondering how my life had turned out this way- I have done a pretty stinking good job with the situation I was and still am in, and if I can handle and tackle that, I can do anything. I think, in reading your post and hearing about all you are doing, you can too.
I too, am a boss and hold huge responsibilities in my professional life, and I wondered how I've lived with, excused and dealt with some of the situations so long. (I wrote my story in a post if you click my name.) I'm still not sure other than I did what I thought was the best I could and I am using every strength I have to continue to push him forward in treatment. He has been diagnosed officially now, in therapy for a couple months and started taking medications last week and the improvements have been mind blowing. I would have never in my wildest dreams or fantasies thought I'd see such a change after he started taking the meds. If it will stay this way and continue to improve remains to be seen, but for the first time in a long time, I have hope. Hang in there. This is a great place to vent. I can't speak for everyone, but I know I understand you.
Thank you for writing back, I
Submitted by thewrongone on
Thank you for writing back, I appreciate it. So much. It's tough, all of this. I wish I had tried to find a support resource sooner!!
Thank you for pointing out that if I can do what I've been doing, that I can do anything. That was really good for me to read. I don't get much of that kind of advice or encouragement and I appreciate that perspective on things. Thank you :)
I know I have made mistakes, have been lead down wrong roads of communication and struggle so much with communicating with him - but now I know WHY. For so long I just thought it was ALL ME but it's really not. Yes, I have made mistakes and said things which I wish I wouldn't have, that's for sure. But only at my deepest and darkest, most desperate moments of hoping that he'll 'see me'. That's how I describe it, anyways. That his eyes will be opened to me and he'll catch onto my needs and be able to step up and support me. What I need is loving support. During times where I have greater emotional need, he (figuratively) vacates, usually becomes anxious or angry and so rarely can live up to what a partner should really be. Lately, the phrase I have in my head is 'I want an equal partner'. But in reality, I have a husband who is more like a 14 year old boy who has no sense of consequence and no sense of responsibility whose priorities are crazily out of whack.
Until I began learning about Asperger's, I really wasn't educated at all re ADHD. When I read about it about a year ago, I just KNEW. I remember something my father in law said to me, a few years before my husband and I were married (I'm from Canada and he's from oversees and so this whole distance thing reallllly complicated our relationship even more for many reasons); he said that he was very concerned for his sons future and just didn't think or know that he would be successful at much (he was a pro golfer where he's from, only you can imagine how sloppy the business side of things was run/treated/disrespected and how everyone else did ALL the work and carried ALL the responsibility of it - mainly me). I thought that he didn't know what he was talking about, that my bf at the time just needed to break away a bit from his parents (well, his mom's grip) so that he could be an adult by himself. His family really did overcompensate for him and at the time I just thought it was them spoiling their kid and doing waaaaay too much for him. I had no idea how complicated things really were. And I don't think they knew enough to verbalize it at the time. And I also had no idea that I slowly took over the role of his mother as the next couple of years passed. It just all creeped up on me. I was aware there were issues that I was fighting an uphill battle over (never have I given someone so many 'pep' talks about how to get shit done as a grown up!-I just thought he'd never been given the chance to do stuff for himself, but I know now that he couldn't because he has; (undiagnosed) ADHD (psych appt in March though!!!); WAS spoiled; was never taught how to do things for himself; did not receive any sort of intervention as a child (I realize they did not know and therefor could not provide early intervention) and all the overcompensating by his mother and father contribute to an even worse case of ADHD. But I see it all clearly now. I'm smart - I know I was in a tough situation living in another country and I moved home because of it. And he followed me! I thought, wow! True love! I was so stupid, even though I'm so smart. I was so naive to it all. Gah.
I think they started figuring things out about him once his nephew was diagnosed moderate ASD and they looked back on DH childhood and life and realized that he had been living with a diagnosis. It's just that everyone thought it was Asperger's. I once commented about his behaviour on an Aspie site, and a couple of people responded saying that they didn't think he sounded Aspie at all. It was then that I started thinking they were right. It's ADHD with some Oppositional Defiant Disorder mixed in.
I hope that your husband responds well to the meds and to CBT when he starts it. I know that my husband firstly needs to get dx'd and then we can start some marriage counselling. But can I be totally honest here? I am already to the point that I feel like I don't love him anymore, not even a teeny tiny bit to go on any longer. I feel so disappointed and sad for my life and my kids.
But I will hang in there. I will do my best. I will try.
Thanks for responding, that was cool of you :)
Sorry if there's typos - I'm so tired at the moment I didn't do a proper edit :x
I have no advice, but wanted
Submitted by lemon25 on
I have no advice, but wanted to tell you that your post reflects the feelings I am having also, and you are not alone in this. I feel like I made the worst mistake of my life by marrying him- how could I have done that? I was so certain back then that he was perfect for me. 4 kids and 14 years later everything is falling apart, and I feel like I am in a nightmare. He is finally willing to get treatment, which has taken about 7 years to get to this point. Now we are having a hard time finding someone to help find a medication that will work, and counseling. I can't find any counselors that specialize in ADHD. That is the only hope I have, that maybe a medication will make things more tolerable. I am trying to be kind with myself, but lately I have been feeling like an idiot that I would have 4 children with this man. I am very sad, and feeling very sad for my children. Things were not this bad though, even a year ago. I'm not sure why everything has blown up like this I am angry that his mother never did anything to help his ADHD when he was a child, and that she never told me how he was before I married him. She is married to the same type of person (his dad obviously has severe ADHD but nobody knows it) and her marriage is a farce- they barely even speak to each other. She should have warned me, and I can't help feeling angry. Anyway..... I am sorry you are going through it too. But it is strangely comforting that I am not the only one. I wish the best to you.
Yes, tricked
Submitted by fixingme on
Yes, we were tricked into living with or marrying these people by them pretending to be something they were not. We were scammed, taken advantage of and played by men who knew exactly what they were doing when they targeted good hearted women like ourselves because they knew anyone without those grand qualities would very quickly dismiss them as brain damaged and exit stage left. So if they can change their behavior during the hyperfocus period, adopt 'normal' behaviors to trick us into falling in love with them, they can change their behavior for the rest of their lives and be someone and something we can live with instead of wanting to put a gun in our mouths and end the ADHD hell our lives have become.
I knew something wasn't quite right, like a "few bubbles off center" as my uncle use to say, but I thought it might be due to his small town, lack of education rural beginnings. I never believed in ADHD, I thought it was just an excuse for men who were assclowns to engage in really crappy behavior and not be held responsible. As I said, if they can imitate what they know to be socially acceptable long enough to date us and earn our love and trust, they can do the same for the rest of their lives. But they won't. I believe at heart, if they had hearts, they are psychopaths or sociopaths. Even their intent is wicked, as their first intent toward us was deception.
I felt like that, too
Submitted by Sueann on
I honestly think the dopamine from falling in love (and my husband did FALL in a big way) alleviates the ADD symptoms to the point that they appear normal. In retrospect, I see things that I realize now were ADD symptoms (like quitting a job because his boss gave him bad directions to a meeting and he got lost). But in most cases I don't think they really tried to deceive us into marrying them, although I understand why you feel that way.
That being said, if they can behave in a way acceptable to the outside world (jobs, school, etc.) one does wonder why they don't bother to do it for us.
We are obviously married to the same man :)
Submitted by hugospot on
Amen sister. I feel your pain. Vent, vent , vent....unless youre in this situation, people dont get it. Hugs and e-wine coming your way...