It's fine if this is the case, I've personally benefitted massively from peer to peer support with other ADHDers, I know how incredible it can feel to be understood by people who've experienced your struggles, and I don't doubt that anyone married to an ADHD spouse has had more than their fair share of struggles. I ask mainly just for clarity
Having read Mel's book I was just under the impression that the idea here was to find a way for marriages with ADHD in the mix to work, and as an ADHD spouse who really wants my marriage to work I wasn't anticipating the sentiment towards ADHDers around here to be so, well, bleak..
I've left several comments around the forum too, mostly just responses to my own other thread but a couple of others, mostly just to try and encourage the other ADHD spouses who seem to be dotted around here - the ones that are here because they genuinely seem to want to try (I mention this to differentiate them from the various horror stories on here of being married to ADHD - none of which I doubt). So far none of these comments have been approved in a few days despite comments appearing on more recent threads - and I'm reluctant to read too much into that because I've no idea how the approval system works but - is it fair to assume that ADHD spouses simply aren't welcome here? I ask this not as an accusation - you guys on the other side deserve a safe space, it's just not particularly made clear until you start trying to engage/reading posts.
Genuinely wish you all the best- whether you feel completely stuck in an ADHD marriage, you're glad to be out of one or you're working on things and they're getting better. I know we're not easy to deal with, particularly as partners
Hey Dave
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I think you're accurate that this forum has drawn mainly non-spouses seeking community. Speaking just for myself, it's always heartening to see a person with ADHD really trying in their relationship. I often think, "I wish my husband had had that attitude" when I read those posts. The ADHD perspective also helps me see the experience from the other side and I appreciate when people with ADHD share what has worked or not worked for them. While I'm now divorced, there is still a loved one in my life with ADHD and that perspective is invaluable. You may run into us nons using our own experiences to form fast opinions from time to time. Many of us are traumatized (and I don't choose that word lightly) but I know I am guilty of judging situations quickly when I see a partner in the same place I was in.
For me, you're very much welcome and appreciated here. For ADHD community, quite honestly you'll probably find more people in a similar situation elsewhere though if that's what you're looking for. I can't speak for the approval process on comments, but I hope they'll populate soon.
I hope you and your partner both find the happiness you're seeking. All the best.
Hi Dave....
Submitted by c ur self on
You will be welcome here by most of the posters I've dealt with...A lot of the behaviors that inflict suffering on so many that post here...Who are in difficult marriages, isn't as much about ADD struggles, as it is other personality traits...Like Selfishness, Self absorbed, Denial, Blame....Just refusing ownership...Which creates hopelessness in a spouse....
c
I agree
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I agree with Melody and C. I think as nons most of us have loved or love an ADHD spouse dearly. Many of us have ADHD children. Speaking for myself I probably have ADHD as preference, despite its painful effect on my life. I do value the ADHD perspective on the forum. I'm glad you're here.
Glad you're here
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
First, I'm very glad and grateful that you are here ans that you are engaged and have been open to sharing your story through comments and thid post in particular.
I do agree that perhaps as a non- myself, I find a lot of refuge and support here as there feels as so many (more those that are vocal?) Other nons that can relate to the struggles that come with having a partner with adhd.
Anyone anytime with adhd that has had thr courage to post or comment (you included) I've always learned a little bit more.
I found out about this site through Melissa being on a podcast and she put it very clearly: there is a lot of pain on the forum and visitors should be aware of that when they access it.
I have found the content (blogs) here to be so helpful and have been guiding light in times of darkness....but it was only recently brought to my attention that how the site is written and the blogs ans comments could be a nightmare to someone with adhd. It's an interesting thing to think about.
I'm really glad you posted and appreciate your courage to reach out. I also think its something you should write Melissa about directly. She is always confirming that she might not get back straight away but she will answer emails as soon as she can.
I wonder if there's something going on
Submitted by Dagmar on
None of these comments are approved - I wonder if it's something technical that's keeping your stuff from posting. You're definitely not being censored and are totally welcome here.
I don't know about anyone else, but I am always horrified that my husband has never found this site. I've told him about it. I've sent him links to articles. Nope, nothing, nada. Since the separation he has finally started seeing an individual therapist and keeps coming to me with tips and tricks and other stuff he would have known about if he had ever even looked at this page. That's a long way of me saying that I appreciate that you're trying, and I hope your spouse does, too.
Pretty confident one of two things is going on
Submitted by alphabetdave on
1. Older accounts (I've only had an account here for... 2 weeks? I think) are able to post comments to topics without the need for approval, hence why those comments tend to appear more quickly (and they absolutely do, I can say this objectively now lol) or maybe there's some kind of flag for "we know and trust this person"
2. Comments from an ADHD perspective are genuinely taking a lot longer to be approved because.... ??? I want to say "because we don't like ADHD" but that's hardly fair lol. As mentioned in my OP here it's fine - if this is mainly a safe space for non spouses then this is a legitimate need but I think it should be more clearly advertised as such. In my case it's fine, as an ADHDer I get support from elsewhere but other newcomers might not
(for the benefit of the person whoever does approve comments the "objective" stuff referred to in point 1 is the fact that I left a comment this morning (as in a couple of hours ago) simply encouraging "The Bull" to find other ADHDers to connect with and since that comment was submitted, not only have non-ADHD comments been approved but non-ADHD replies to those approved comments have also been approved... as mentioned though I'm open to the idea that maybe this has nothing to do with bias against ADHD and more to do with certain accounts being allowed to post comments automatically, whether it's the account age that determines it or whatever it is)
Approval
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
We had a troll on the site being exceptionally rude, so we set up an initial approval sequence for all new users.
Best,
Melissa
This makes sense
Submitted by alphabetdave on
You can always trust trolls to ruin a good thing..
Appreciate that this is extra work on your part, thanks for the clarification and for doing all you do!
alphabetdave
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I can second what Dagmar was saying. I have never needed approval to post anything on this site. In the past, I've reported posts that were inappropriate. (Where people were using profanity or threatening others.)
I would also like to say that this is a place for both "Nons" and ADHD partners/spouses. I believe there are more Nons on this site because the partners who are reaching out for help with their relationships happen to be Nons, If that makes sense.
After all, If you saw nothing wrong in your relationship, and everything was going fine from your point of view you wouldn't be coming to this site.
I came to this site 8 years ago with questions regarding my then boyfriends behavior. I wanted to know if it was ADHD or something else. (My ex-husband who I'd been with for 20 years was manipulative and abusive.)
I haven't posted on this site in a while.
Nobody is perfect and no relationship is perfect. I have found a way to deal with the issues in our relationship that work for me. Boundaries have been a big help.