Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Wow. I'm So Exhausted is exhausted.
Something is brewing around here.
First, my ADHD spouse picked an argument with our 24 year old son a few days back.
Then he decided had to let me know about it.
It was time to bring up the fact that MY boundary of three years had past without his noticing.
Than, a few hours later he asked me for our old pastor's phone number. Now, what I thought about this was: Over a year ago I mentioned to my spouse that I had asked this pastor what I was supposed to do with my wedding vows when I was at the point of utter despair because I do not feel my marriage is on equal ground. Well, all he said was he wasn't able to hear both sides (I wasn't asking him that - I just wanted to know what to do with my own feelings of failing at my vows), but he would pray for us. So, back to Friday - almost a year after my conversation - my spouse asks me for the pastor's phone number. I was thinking 'Halleluia, the man is going to ask for help.'
Ends up he got into an argument with the pastor and hung up on him. He wasn't calling to ask for help, I really do not know what he was calling for.
Today we were cashing in some rolls of old silver coins to invest into a house with our son - to refurbish and sell. I had no issue with it - to me it is like taking one place of investment and moving it to another. We did our homework. We checked the silver prices, and made sure we were selling them for a good price. My spouse was gung-ho. Good idea. Let's do it. Then maybe sellers remorse hit him. He has been all over the spectrum of mad - and sad - and depressed - and angry. Now he slunk up to bed, bemoaning the fact that we took "treasure" and scrapped it. And he HAD to agree to do it because I said I wouldn't be controlled by his anger anymore.
It is becoming extremely difficult for me to remain at any semblance of sanity anymore. The more I think I may be on a good path, the crazy this becomes.
The deadline
Submitted by sunlight on
"My deadline - it was January 28th - 3 years. It came and went and he did not acknowledge it."
So he knows about the deadline? So what exactly was this deadline? That after 3 years if A, B, C did not happen then you would what? Get a divorce? Move out? Separate?
I think you can be sure he knows the deadline has passed. And he's walking around as though he has a hornet up his backside because the deadline passed and nothing has happened. He does not deal well with uncertainty. He does not know what you're going to do. He does not know what is going to happen. He is in a flat spin. You appear to have set a deadline, a serious one, and now what? Nothing? Something? I think you need to clearly communicate to him what is happening next. If you are going to divorce him tell him so. If you are not then tell him you are taking that off the table. If something else (e.g. you need 3 more months) then tell him that. In very clear and explicit words, no ambiguity or wiggle room, so that he understands and can repeat it back to you. Anything else seems rather unfair. He can't read your mind, he's far less able to even guess at what is in your mind than someone without ADHD.
Hold your horses here
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
"Anything else seems rather unfair." Are you kidding me? This is not about fair. This is about me trying to sort out my own choices. Why would you assume I expect him to read my mind? He has never had to read my mind. I am very communicative. It is in writing. This ADHD stuff is no picnic - for him nor for me. This is not our first rodeo.
I am sorting out my own disappointment that any of the counselors we have been to for our marriage can not blast him off his pity pot.
He always has a hornet up his backside. I am here, posting on this forum to share my frustration, and work on me. Until he accepts he needs some help in directing his life, I can share his actions with others here who understand, but I cannot fix his stuff.
In January 2013, we had directions from a marriage counselor who I believe is one - if not THE - best in the area of marriages crippled by ADHD. We were told that until our directives were attained - the counselor would not be able to help us.
MY directions were:
1. Read the book The Dance of Anger.
2. Work on being open to getting my own heels out of the deep deep place of resentment they have been dug into, and stay out of symptom-response-response cycles.
3. Work on my side of changing the parent-child dynamic into which our relationship had evolved.
4. Focus on me - my joys, my college education - get the focus off him and his struggles.
He had one instruction: Accept and acknowledge how his negative ADHD behaviors contribute to the chaos in our marriage.
I did. He did not. Hard to swallow that the last attempt has failed. HUGE disappointment. We had tried so many other things, and I thought we had finally found the answer we had so long searched for.
I understand your exhaustion
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I understand your exhaustion and frustration. It sounds to me as though your husband is like mine in some ways, and that you and I are alike in some ways. I have been extremely explicit with my husband about expectations, requests, and concerns. I do not expect him to read my mind. Time after time, things he says he'll do are not done.
The latest was on Saturday, when I asked him to call AAA (he's a member, I'm not) to find out if our younger daughter is a member. If he had called AAA after I called him, he would have found out that our daughter was not a member and that he could add her and she could have called immediately for roadside assistance. I don't like to hover, so I didn't check with our daughter until late afternoon to see if my husband had gotten back to her. He hadn't. By that time, the customer service office was closed. I called it first thing this morning and asked permission to find out about the account (which the customer service rep graciously allowed). Younger daughter is not a member. I added her. And then I remembered asking my husband, last year, to add her to his membership. He said he would. He did not.
The answer, in my case and possibly yours, is that anything that must be done, must be done by me.
Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Rosered,
My marriage vows are very important to me. Making sure I have left no stone unturned, resolved all emotional upset, and earned my way out of my marriage - regardless of support from pastors, family, and even my spouse - that is what is important TO ME.
My faith is important. Biblical teaching is important. Teaching and helping me is important. But it better be backed up my Chapter and Verse - not someone's own interpretation. I am very clear on the fact that a marriage is between two people and God. I have to uphold my end of my vows and take care of protecting my spouse's heart. I deserve the same in return. those traditional vows spoken at wedding ceremonies are not found in the Bible. They are based on Biblical teaching.
If my spouse had been ill or in an accident, and was unable to do things - mentally or physically - that would be something I had to accept. I could not expect someone to do anything that is physically not possible.
So far, what I have found in my researching ADHD - and witnessing my own son live and prosper with an acknowledged and nurtured and accepted ADHD wired brain -I KNOW what is possible.
There is a definite difference between can't and won't.
It was quite difficult trying to live my own life and let go of living my spouses too. This is not where I expected to be on this leg of my life's journey.
I am not religious but I have
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I am not religious but I have very strong moral beliefs. I also take my marriage vows very seriously. It is indeed difficult to try everything one can think of to make a marriage work and still not succeed.