I did not know he had this for the first year we were together, I just knew he had organization, memory and other issues. I accepted and blew it off. I'm a type A Personality so it was not noticed as much.
However, things started falling apart in our lives. Illnesses, death of family members, job losses, and his condition really came to the forefront because I needed him to help more.
Garbage that is sprinkled around the house that never makes it in the garbage can, paperwork that never gets filled out, clutter and the complete and total lack of consideration for our belongings has left our house a total disaster and me very depressed.
I am so overwhelmed.
How can I do the things I am planning on doing if I can't even keep up with the house is a question I ask myself often.
Then I found an article a couple years ago. The compulsive lying, the zoning out when trying to talk to him about important things, the losing things non stop and total failure to be accountable but instead blaming me or saying he is dumb or a bad person.... it all snapped in place. He is not a partner. He is a child I take care of.
I really don't know what I'm going to do yet. I read this stuff about people on medication still having issues... I just don't think I can do it. He is resisting me on getting meds, too.
I've never been depressed. Usually really positive but living with someone with this condition is like a black cloud hanging over me.
Does medication really help?
Is it possible to accomplish much if you are with someone with ADHD?
is there ever a time you are not taking care of them like a child?
Thank you for listening!
I ask
Submitted by SunSpot on
i ask if it is possible to accomplish much because I have somethings I want to do and taking care of him is a full time job right now. I just can't do both.
Establish Your Own Energy Conservation Plan
Submitted by shine1 on
Hi SunSpot,
I'm so sorry and truly feel you, I do. I've been married for 11 yrs. and experienced what you're discussing and more (see my 1st thread circa. on my birthday 2012). During my marriage, I have been able to earn 2 master degrees and completing my doctorate this June. So yes, you can have accomplishments--if you decide to establish what you want to achieve. This may (oh, honestly, will) mean you'll have to choose what to let go or lay aside among the plethora of things your DH doesn't help you with or have tantrums over because you just won't have the energy.
Deciding what and where to put and how to protect my energy was a BIGGIE with the help of seeing a therapist to assist me with a "Me" plan. The therapist started out as our couples counselor (2nd) from Sept 2014 - June 2015 until I just couldn't deal with my husband's negative behavior during the sessions. I just said to him in front of the therapist that I was no longer interested in continuing couples counseling with him period. Both of them look shocked. But I'd realized how much and often I stayed depleted of energy and I still had doctorate school to finish so I could get out!
I envisioned a 2 yr. plan, taking little but steady steps and it's about that time. I knew I'd need employment so I continued to apply for positions, did short-term online teaching, and various community and professional trainings to get among other people, gain marketable skills, and a social life outside of my DH as center because of his ADHD. Now I've just been hired at a college and will start soon. I've gotten books on my legal rights and had a phone call with a lawyer. I'm looking for apts. ....
Whether you plan to stay or go, you will need an energy-conservation plan, so I hope you start thinking and I send prayers of hope, faith, and happiness....
There is a lot of help
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Medication alone isn't going to solve your problems. First because it's not the best treatment (meds can help a lot, but better focus doesn't do much for you if you don't do something with that focus to improve your behaviors!) I recommend that you download the free treatment e-book in my treatment area on this site because that will give you an overview of the very many things that can be done. Better yet, it will give your husband a better overview.
From your description, it sounds as if he hasn't had a diagnosis yet, and is pushing back on getting one. You won't be able to impact that a lot if you push harder (he'll just resist harder.) Instead, focus on what you need. The poster below writes about her experience with that - it is leading her to leave. But that doesn't have to be the outcome. I've seen many, many couples start by focusing on themselves in order to stay.
Beyond the free ebook, my first book The ADHD Effect on Marriage will give you a lot of information that will help you. If you don't wish to purchase it, many libraries have it.
The trap you need to avoid is the one you are actually falling into - solving the problem by taking all of his stuff on. You can't do that because that leads to chronic anger and frustration (as you are seeing). With treatment he is perfectly capable of not being the child in your relationship...furthermore, he CAN'T be the child if you aren't the parent. Non-ADHD partners often think 'if I don't do it, it won't get done' but a better way to approach it for the long term is to say "I won't do it all." Do some of it - the stuff you really, really care about...and stuff that is YOURS. But if it is his, it's his.
That's a hard hard line to draw with someone who has untreated ADHD, but it is better to be having a discussion that sounds like this:
him: Why didn't you do X?
you: I didn't have time. Did you?
him: But that's your job
you: Why?
Than it is to be having a conversation like this:
you: Why didn't you do X?
him: I forgot
you: I reminded you 3 times. You always forget.!
him: get off my case! I will do it another time
you: (thinking) yeah...I bet...
One builds resentment and stokes it. The other creates a conversation about who is supposed to do what. But you only have that conversation if you don't take everything on.
Explore the blog, treatment areas and other parts of this site - they are chock full of a lot of ideas and tips you can use to make things better. I'll keep an eye on this thread if you want to write back with questions, etc.