I am seeking healthier ways to handle my ADHD partners frustration. His frustration tolerance is especially low after work, even with a "booster." His tone with me is often frustrated. It's something he struggles with in his family of origin with his sisters and past coworkers as well. He's worked on it and his work situation is actually quite healthy now but we are struggling at home. I'm going through my own health issues and having peri menopausal rage at times that I'm working on. If I'm at that time in my cycle, it's a perfect storm and we just can't seem to not react out of frustration with one another...it's usually me getting upset with him hearing his tone. Then he plays the victim and says, "well I'm always the problem, so I'll shut up so I don't offend you." Am I part of the problem when I get upset by his tone with me or do I need to be more compassionate? I don't know where to draw the line and how to communicate how I feel when he just plays the victim and doesn't really truly get it. Thank you for your input!
Staying calm with ADHD spouses frustration
Submitted by lauraca1 on 12/06/2023.
It is never acceptable behaviour
Submitted by Forgotten Person on
The main problem here is ADHD and the anger it causes, not your health problems. You could try avoidance at the times that you know he is going to be triggered or "grey rocking" responses (ye, no, don't know) can sometimes stop things escalating but in all honesty, in my experience, my husband was hell bent on an argument no matter what I did, he needed it, and that was both before diagnosis and after with medication, psychiatrists, psycologists and counsellors. Nothing changed. In addition, like you, I developed my own health issues which just made things worse because he was no longer the focus, in addition ADHD in my husband's case is highly transactional, I do something for him, he may do something for me in return but there always has to be a reciprocal transaction for him. I was on crutches following surgery and could do very little, reliant on him, he became an ADHD nightmare because he wasn't getting anything back for his efforts, in his mind. I also went through menopause, definitely didn't get the support I needed so went on HRT to be able to cope with him and menopause, I feel I could have done without if there had been support and hadn't been daily baiting arguments, I do suggest that to you, you shouldn't have to, but it did help me. At the end of the day, I was dealing with an husband who would be made angry by Christmas decorations, wildbirds in the garden, garden flowers, if he were unable to work devices at home, driving, people, and me using and inch more of space in a food cupboard, granular level rows just for the sake of a row. Eventually it begins to affect your health and your sense of who you are because you're always giving and giving-in to them for a peaceful life, you don't even know what you want or who you are any more. I made a conscious decision to divorce, after 11 years, that this was not ever going to be ok because I knew it was never going to change because of what you're dealing with, no amount of medication and therapy would work, good luck with your journey.
Thank you
Submitted by lauraca1 on
Thank you for your response. I am sorry things came to that but it sounds like you made a wise, conscious desicion that was healthy for you.
The avoidance does work and he does respect that. He's actually the one that says we need a minute to cool down when things heat up and I end up continuing. I get triggered by trauma in my family of origin. He never yells at me but gets very frustrated. I need to work on removing myself or getting more alone time. I'm more of the introvert. In all fairness, my health issues started before I met my husband. I've had endometriosis since I was a teen and developed long covid in 2020. My husband was actually amazing and was my care taker for 2 years. He does a lot for me and it causes me to feel a ton of guilt and shame. He actually has a huge heart and is always helping others and I think that ends up draining him in the end which contributes to the frustration. He's a people pleaser. I'm much more functional now and I think that's part of our issue too is figuring out a rhythm at our new pace. When I was really sick, his frustration towards me was minimal which is interesting. I'll be forever grateful to him. I do think HRT might be a good option. I've tried progesterone and will look in to the rest. I appreciate the input. Wishing you the best :)
lauraca1
Submitted by thazleton on
Hi there - can you elaborate more or give an a=example? What is his frustration or tolerance regarding? DO you work as well? I call menopause - meaniepause - and we sometimes agree to just stop and take time for ourselves. We cannot be together constantly. I always tell my adhd spouse - not that he understands - but my message is consistent. It's not usually what he does that frustrates or angers me - it's the way he does it which usually seems selfish thoughtless or ill-intended. He always says things like 'that's not what I meant" to which I ask then why did you choose those words or method to communicate? He then says I am too literal. The step back and wait 10 seconds before you speak - both of you - stop and think...what is our goal here? Happiness? Love? then start from that place. The advantages and drawbacks of marrying an ADHD spouse need help staying in balance.
Helpful!
Submitted by lauraca1 on
Thank you so much! Meaniepause is the perfect word, haha! Something little just happened that almost caused a little tiff but I can tell he was trying to avoid it. Our dog ihas a very loud, annoying bark and there have been a lot of UPS deliveries for Christmas so it's worse than usual. It really gets to him so he yells at him. I'm firm and try to redirect but my HB screams, "STOP" and when I'm in my hormone zone, it's super irritating. I said, seems like you're in a bad mood, maybe go do something for yourself. He replied, "yep, I'm always wrong" and then left to Christmas shop. This is a minor example but I am so sensitive too and it bothers me. We both work full time. He's a great partner in terms of sharing responsibility and always willing to help me do something. It's like he turns in to a different person when frustrated...so do I with menopause! The frustration is sometimes towards me and sometimes towards other little things. It's just not peaceful to be around and it isn't all the time but comes up a lot during stressful times like the Holiday. If I make a comment about it, he gets upset and shuts down. He never exercises either and I do so much to try and cope with hormonal things so it's extra frustrating that he doesn't have many healthy outlets. It's absolutely how he says something/not what he says that is bothersome. His "tone" is frustrated and impatient.
I really appreciate your input and I like framing it to get these things in balance. I want this to work and do love him dearly.
Understandable
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Your post makes a lot of sense to me. Frustration with the other person's ways is terribly hard to avoid when you're very different. Especially when you've been exposed to the irritant for a long time. I came to a point where I detested everything about my now ex-husband. Tone of voice, even kind things he said, the way he left things around the house, his way of walking into a room, eating, it all made me itch with discomfort. I think it was because of the real difficulties we had, of course. Now in hindsight I wonder if I should have paid better attention to my almost ridiculous sense of distaste. It carried a meaning.
Are you saying
Submitted by lauraca1 on
you wish you would've ended things? How do you feel now? I don't want to leave my spouse just hoping to find better ways to communicate. I don't feel that level of irritation when I'm not in my hormone window. My husband is a quality human that struggles with adhd. Thank you for responding!
Oh no, sorry, that maybe came
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Oh no, sorry, that maybe came across very pessimistic. I don't suggest you should leave your spouse, I know almost nothing about your relationship. I just feel compassion for your frustration. I don't think you should judge yourself harshly for it. It's very relatable. Finding better ways to communicate takes two people and can not be done by one person alone.
All the best to you!
I appreciate that!
Submitted by lauraca1 on
Thank you :) Yes, I totally agree. I was upset when I wrote my original post and while his behavior wasn't acceptable, it isn't as frequent as I made it sound. I feel lucky he is willing to learn better ways too. We both have a ways to go but willingness is the key so far. Take care!