I don't understand this; hoping someone will have some ideas about this. My DH is ADD I am not. DH is not treating ADD at all and hasn't for over a year. DH is also bipolar (1 yr since begin treatment) - he is treating with meds only. Okay, so that's the back history. For about the last 3 + months my DH has had no interest in sex- none. He's too tired - no energy whatsoever. Okay fine. DH also has within into hisself and has limited (at best) contact and conversation with me (he leaves the room when I enter, stays up late surfing the net to wait for me fall asleep, ect) Okay, I just have let him have his peace no pressure from me just go on with life as is.
About 6-9 months ago I found a business card from a local strip club - felt strange about it but decided to trust DH and not my gut instinct - I tossed the card and didn't mention it. There has been one other "clue" that I just passed off as men doing what they need to do apparently. Anyway, this morning his wallet was lying open on the counter - my gut told me to look inside. Yep, another business card from a strip joint (a different one from the first).
Aside from feeling like I've been blindsided (again) - I can't seem to process this. Is this an ADD thing? The whole implusivity (which he struggles with so badly) thing or ???
If I were to ask him about it he'd lie (not his, he doesn't even LIKE going to strip clubs, ect ect)
All suggestions are appreciated.
PS - Not sure if it matters or not - but sex for him is not a priority or a "need". Is this a cope out or are the strippers enough glitter and shine to hold his attention to get enjoyment for himself?
of course it matters,
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
Yes my dear,of course it matters,if he is your husband and you love him then it sure does matters.Strip clubs is a form of cheating!!he is cheating not physically,but,mentally,which could end up physical in the end,especially if you say you"both"are not intimate,open your eyes there is something wrong with that picture! My DH looks at porn all the time,"EVERY TIME" he gets a chance,and we are still very much intimate,BUT!!!!,I hate it and it is turning me off from him,right now presently,I don't want to go to his apartment b/c it is making me feel "turned off"and I'm afraid that it might cause me to lose feelings for him, which right now presently,I don't have much,but,that's only for now,tomorrow I'll fall back in to the "lions mouth",you need to let him know you found out,and let him know you know,so he maybe could stop,make him stop,give him an ultimatum too,that type of behaviors could get physical, and if you love him which I am sure you do,then do what you can to save your marriage.
good luck
god bless
lovehurts.
Incongruent Sex Issues
Submitted by bilf on
First let me say my personal experience with the lack of sex has been high up there on my own list of marital heartache. Quite frankly I would have a difficult time talking about it if this weren't an anonymous forum. It's just that painful. It's been humiliating and self esteem wrecking. Though I've learned it is a common problem in an ADHD marriage, we ladies certainly aren't ever told of the possibility that a man, a husband, will virtually ignore this aspect of marital life. It got so bad I actually even wondered if my husband was secretly gay and just not telling me at one point.
This aspect was for me one of the most perplexing, along with agonizing. It was not until after his diagnosis I found out this issue is common.
I went through everything I could think of trying to solve the issue for years. Nothing worked. In fact, actually talking about it seemed to make it worse and I didn't think that was even possible. I got a lot of deflection and blame when even trying to approach it. I remember once after going without sex for three months my husband calling me insatiable when I brought it up. N yes, he seems to have plenty of time and energy for anything he views as important. If something isn't a need for him, I can pretty much just forget expecting participation... bottom line.
A few years ago I actually confessed I was afraid I'd eventually have an affair over the issue.
My husband seems to have a near aversion to porn, strip clubs, the like, so imagine how floored I was when this happened. One night he's sleeping n his phone alarms, so I go to shut it off. I felt like I'd been sucker punched as I see my husband's dating profile in a service that is designed to facilitate real life sexual encounters. The man who can barely talk to his own wife about relations is obviously in the market for extramarital sex.
N, yes, what I got was a big fat pile of 6th grade level lying BS when I asked. No honesty, nothing like that. He insisted this was the result of a fight we'd had nearly four months ago, something he'd not mentioned to me previously, so again, that's bizarre. He also tried making a joke about my concern. I mean, I was admittedly realizing he wasn't gonna be honest even if it meant my personal health risk.
Here I'd gone through personal agony trying to get a scrap of my husband's sexual attention for years, n now this. Talk about excruciatingly painful. I can completely relate to feeling it knocks the wind outta you.
For years I'd been made to feel a freak for asking for a normal expectation of a marital need to be met.
So for a second, let's put aside any relationship specifics, in analyzing this. Something I realized, n maybe some ADD men with the issue can chime in here, was this... Much like his love for shiny new things, if anything frustrates him or gives him grief in general he pretty much tosses it aside. The reality is some "new" woman will not be having a clue that he can't have any deep interpersonal communication whatsoever, no pressure... just nice, shiny n new, not some woman who is exhausted by his behaviors. It's certainly easier, less hassle on him.
I'd take the lying issue separately. I will assume this is a global issue for you too. I've no idea why my husband does this either, but it's clearly a chronic problem. I've come to realize my husband pretty much will always have secrets I know nothing about. It's like he lives a secret life without me. He almost views me as an authority figure, like a parent or teacher, definitely not a life partner.
I would absolutely love to hear from husbands with this issue...
Well... I will chime in as and ADD, no H, guy...
Submitted by YYZ on
I find myself on the opposite end of the ADD spectrum in regards to guys. I had been in the room mate marriage for seven years. We literally averaged about 3 or four times a Year... I have never cheated on my DW, but figured out a LONG time ago that I just could not put myself in a vulnerable situation, like strip clubs, or late parties at a business conference. Honestly, I hate strip clubs... You get drunk, lose tons of cash and leave broke with no real action, but action that would leave me divorced. The problem is I know if a woman is really interested and I've been drinking and far from home, I'm just pitifully weak, or at least I was back in my ADD fog. I love my wife, she is beautiful no matter what her sense of self esteem tells her. She is a worrier by nature, is the peacemaker of her family and listens to people complain all day at her job. She is exhausted in the evenings and generally a sleep around 9-9:30. The weekends are busy and she hates to burden people by having someone watch the kids. And even if we do go out, if we eat too much or stay out too late then sex is not going to happen. She feels guilty about the droughts, which adds to her not relaxing and this really lead to my stress about my marriage being just for the kids. I'd honestly be happy with once or twice a week. Three would be heaven. I feel so close to her when we do, and any physical contact just makes me feel connected. I know she thinks if she touches me I'll expect sex, but this is not true. I won't do pity sex, period. We have incredible sex when we do, so I just don't get it how the droughts just continue.
So... my point is that some of us ADDer's love having frequent relations with our wives. I never got why guys like porn or strip clubs. What an incredible waste of time and money and you net NOTHING but trouble. I blow money on cars and electronics, but my real rush is with my beautiful brown haired blue eyed girl. I just hope that my more attentive, more aware less ADD self can re-ignite the passion we once had at night.
chicken and egg
Submitted by gardener447 on
It does seem to be true for many (generalization disclaimer!!!) men that physical connection leads to emotional connection, and that many women first want to feel emotional connection before they are interested in physical connection. Dang. That's tricky. try the morning.
Mornings...
Submitted by YYZ on
There is actually less than a 0% chance for mornings in my house... It is not like I have not learned to spend time together. Put away all electronics when she is in the room. Talk and listen to her sit down next to her in the evenings. Turn on a show that she likes to watch and not comment about it like I used to do. Ask her to lunch during the week. I think my DW has more external worries that don't allow her to relax. If she cannot relax, there is no chance. She worries about not being physical, but all the other priorities wear her out first.
Tricky is the understatement of the year...
Thanks Gardener!
Sex once or twice a week might be above average
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
YYZ - I don't know how old you are, but check out the stats in my blog post about the frequency of sex.
Age
Submitted by YYZ on
46 Years old... From about 2000 - 2009 (Diagnosis year) we averaged 4 - 6 times a year (No exaggeration) After diagnosis we went through a 6 month mega-spike of 5 - 7 times a week. We are slightly better now at about once every 5 or so weeks. I'm not asking for anything crazy, but it does not help that she knows I would every night. I would be thrilled with once a week.
I have come to a decision,
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
I have come to a decision to emotionally disattached myself from my husbands addictive behaviors,I am no longer going to be responsible for his actions no more,in fact I am going to focus on my own life and worry less or even "none" about his,I am about to join a gym and focus more on my work and kids,whatever happens,happens,I find myself at a place where I am fighting constantly for his change to "STOP"the watching of the other women"STOP"the porn, and I was even told by him on several occasions that"he is never going to hurt me"and he always fall back on his words,he even went as far as to tell me when we first met, and he was very reassuring, and sooo charming at first, and said that I have "nothing to worry about where my heart is concern he would never ever look at other women"or hurt me in any which way possible, and sure enough he is a big "LIAR",,,I am going to emotionally separate myself from him,"NOW",,whenever we go out or anything like that, and he decided to stare that is up to him, I am no longer going to be bothered "again"that's it!!!I'm done!!,I will ruin my mental,emotional,physical health,which he has already taken a part away,, and while all that time he is having "FUN"with his self..before I end up depress or in the mental home,I am done!!,,done fighting over the relationship,and I am going to let it take it's natural course,The biggest problem I am having with him is his impulsive ways and defensiveness,also his high high anger tantrums,other than he is a very nice man.So I am going to let the relationship take it's natural course and not fight it down no more,the rest is up to him!
lovehurts.
Hard to bring to myself to share this
Submitted by gratitudeiskey on
gratitudeiskey,,love yourself no matter what,
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
love your self no matter how"heavy" you think you are,,, I love to call heavy,,"heavy or big and beautiful" I hate being called to skinny or too fat by anyone and besides who are we to judge!!! the sex between two people are a true connection when it comes to "love" sharing intimacy is important, especially when we are married,it maintains a healthy relationship(sex wise) there is much more though to make it healthy other than "just"sex,but as stupid as this sounds, it's the main one, I am not heavy,and my DH still looks at porn, and still watch other women,it's not "YOU" it's "him",,he is self medicating himself, to have stimulation as a result to the ADHD,"IT'S NOT YOU"my husband does the same thing,but hey,,we are women,,, where as in my situation is reverse from yours,my DH wants the sex all the time, so I get a good break.It use to bother me a lot but,I am not going to let it bother me again,I am mostly trying to focus in the good rather than the bad lately,but I am happy to hear that you are eating right and dropping a few for "you" don't do it for him,do it for yourself b/c trust me,no matter what you do,it won't stop him from the addictive behavior"like"porn,,I tried everything,"sexy" and nothing really keeps them away from that addiction,I am now learning to accept it,dropping a few for "you" could help you "medical wise",to maintain a healthy cholesterol level,and many other medical reasons,so I am glad that you have taken that step"health wise"..but try and see how it is possible to spice it up a little,, so maybe he would come around eventually,maybe to start doing fun things together and having some real fun could be a great start.
god bless
from:lovehurts.
A difficult subject, for sure...
Submitted by YYZ on
I am dumbfounded by ADDer's who avoid S. I think S was/is one of my addictions with ADD, food was the other addiction which actually kept me out of trouble because I became So over-weight through most of my adult life. My DW also struggled with her weight (Both of us Emotional Eaters), but she never let is get nearly as out of control as I did. I ballooned to 285 lbs, I'm 5'-11" which was ridiculous. My DW even told me at one point that she loved me, but was not very attracted to me anymore. (This was 5 or 6 years ago) We have pretty much been a room mate relationship since 2000. This really took a toll on me for years. I could not talk about it to anyone it was so bad, maybe 4 times a year. I stayed persistent in at least trying to get her interest 3 to 4 times a week, but you can only be rejected so many times before you give up, which I did. The low self-esteem lead to depression, because I really thought she was just in this for the kids. A complex series of events sent me into the ADD Death spiral by 2009 and my anxiety was so bad I knew I needed help. I was diagnosed soon after and have responded well to meds, exercise and fairly extensive study about ADD and it's nasty affects on everyone. After my diagnosis, we almost split up over my friendship with a female coworker. (Absolutely nothing happened) but I turned to her for advice about my marriage and my DW found out. Surprisingly after we decided to work things out we had 6 months of extreme relations, but then within the year we were pretty much back to normal. Maybe a little better, but no more than once per month... Unlike you, my wife is SO self contious about her looks, no matter how many compliments I give. To make matters worse, I've lost about 100 lbs and she thinks there is NO Way I could be attracted to her :(
Please don't make up thoughts about what you think he might be saying, because this is what my DW does. The sexless marriage is extremely hard to deal with, but don't blame yourself for being ignored! Keep up the good work of taking care of yourself. The walking is great for you, walking is how I worked/still work though my anxieties. My wife won't go walk with me, it's like she thinks I'm doing it to rub her nose in she she was not doing. Totally not the case. She has started doing her own workouts and eating better and has lost 25 lbs. I'm very happy for her. I hope she will start to feel better about her and us soon.
You hang in there and take care of yourself!
Elephant In The Room
Submitted by bilf on
That description quite aptly sums it up, "elephant in the room."
In my situation I'd say there was an abrupt 180 that correlated with marriage. Prior to that I'd say it could have been something attributed to perhaps a slight drive difference. We discussed it and compromise prior to marriage as I was unwilling to shove it under the rug. It became extreme with the onset of marriage. I know I'd heard that joke about wedding cake killing a woman's need for sex, but I'd certainly never heard that joke in reverse. Here I was suddenly living that reality.
After marriage, my husband actually seemed to have an aversion to talking about it at all. My attempts to discuss it seemed to actually increase the aversion.
I made a million excuses too.
It isn't a physical issue like low T or anything either. That's all been looked into. I, too, have heard a lot of, "I don't know."
Yes, yes, it gets extremely frustrating and humiliating when your husband has endless energy for what seems like everything else.
Please, please do anything you can to work away from the self blame. I did this, too, but truly, "me" isn't responsible for my husband's behaviors. I tore myself apart looking for the answer. I'm within normal weight gal n lemme tell ya, made no difference. Did all the normal spice it up stuff, nothing, nothing helped. I woulda stood on my head to make him a deal. My self esteem suffered greatly.
I, too, felt completely duped.
The one way street you speak of? I've walked it, too. I imagine though, if you're honest with yourself, the one way street extended to many areas beyond just the sex. I even at one point loathed myself for the fact that I wanted sex so badly in light of how I was being treated.
This issue in general isn't talked about much, especially since socially you hear about men wanting sex. A husband not having relations with his wife will tear away self esteem like nobodies business.
I knew about three years ago I could not live in a sexless marriage. Please let me be super specific about why. This isn't like say someone had an accident after many years or health declined. I truly believe the abrupt 180 at marriage about relations completely impaired the bonding that usually glues couples together. It's like we never bonded and it well beyond no sex on my honeymoon, though plenty of energy for every fun activity he saw.
Obviously being honest about my feelings didn't help. I'm pretty sure to him it's just one more chore he felt I was "nagging" about. I remember crying in the shower because of this deep sense of grieving over wishing I knew what it felt like for a man to want to touch me again. Getting hit on daily, except by my husband. It was humiliating to my deepest core as a woman.
Even some of the realizations were equally as painful. He literally had no clue about the amount of time between encounters. God forbid if there were the odd time of a couple close together. I would start to get almost instantly anxious knowing this would mean a pattern of even more time in between. The deflection and joking on his part made it all the worse. I found myself feeling like I was about to have a breakdown of about all things... sex??? Didn't even know that could happen to women. Obviously it does though.
The biggest piece of advice I have is take care of you. I started buying pretty smelling shampoo, for me, to lift my spirits, little things. It sounds silly, but it works.
Thanks to all for the reassurance....
Submitted by gratitudeiskey on
This forum has helped me more than the books...
Submitted by YYZ on
The books are great too, but I've never been too good at applying there knowledge. Hearing REAL examples of what we are all dealing with has seriously changed my life.
Concerning the S-Less marriage, I thought that Maybe 4 times a year was "Normal" for so long and that I was just selfishly wanting more. The hardest thing about the subject is S is not the Most important part of the marriage, but it is important to keep the connection alive. With all of our turmoil in the last few years, I have thought many times what would happen if my DW's anger never lets up. Maybe the damage me and my Dark Passenger have caused is too much to forgive. My girls have certainly added caution to any easy choice about staying or leaving and I understand the complex person that my DW is and how life's experiences molded her. The bottom line is that Room Mate status will not work for much longer, but things have been trending up a little bit, so I have hope. The DD's know that there have been issues, especially DD#1, they are more perceptive than we think, so staying together unhappily could cause as much damage to them as splitting up?!?
I am hopeful and sure appreciate all of the help from you guys here :)
agreed!
Submitted by masmam1 on
I totally agree with your subject title!
Don't Know if This is Your Case
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
The most common comment I get from men who aren't having sex with their partners any more is that they feel their partner is too critical of them or angry at them and that's the reason sex is of less interest. It was one thing when their partner seemed to adore them - life was good. Something else when they fear that the critiques they get all day long will follow them somehow into the bedroom. This seems to hold true even when the woman seems to be dying to have sex - as long as there is the perception of criticism, the man's interest seems to wane.
That might not be what's going on in your case, of course. Since you say you were overweight at the beginning of the marriage, I suspect that isn't it (unless he's given you some indication that it is). Is your attitude still the same, though? When you call yourself a fat cow, that suggests that your mojo might be a bit down, too. Any woman, of any size, can be sexy if she has the right mojo...go find yours, girl!
Many antidepressants suppress sex drive. While his doctor says that his particular brand can increase sex drive, that doesn't mean that it does for everyone (even for most people). (If it did, they wouldn't have had to invent Viagra!) Follow your gut instinct - if his sex drive diminished at the same time he started anti-depressants, there may well be a connection. Has he tried other meds for his ADHD or even for depression (they work differently)?
Some men have trouble with the change in their partner from "woman and sex partner" to "mom." Sometimes it's because they feel shut out by the attention that moms pay to their children (which leaves much less time for the spouse,typically) and some can't figure out how they fit in now.
In any event, don't demand sex...but do invite it. Compliment him...be a siren...make him feel sexy and desirable (same for you!) If he's still not sure, start slowly, with hand holding and touching and cuddling - make sure he knows that you love to be near him and connected.
I am sorry,
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
I am sorry that these things are happening to you,I share your pain,but you are still not sure what could be his real underlying problem as to the S related problem you are having with him,don't insinuate it's "you" because of your weight after birth,could be something else,because ADHD is different of those who are non-ADHD,we really don't have a clue as to what they are thinking,try to develop a communication technique with him, and find out what is the cause.
good luck
lovehurts.
Hi YYZ,
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
I agree that the forums is really a big help here, and it gives you a little insight of the 'whole"ADHD effect and the way we should cope,but from the ADHD prospective that's wonderful,good for you I am happy for you.On the other side of that is me the non-ADHD prospective, and I find that the "book"has helped me way more in dealing with my ADHD husband, and I am very grateful for that insight before I guessed it all out, and also It made me see where I was wrong also, and it made me a happy person inside to know it is not at all a bad bad bad thing ,even though it's very rough sometime's,I was married before at a very tender age and my ex-husband was non-ADHD, and he was not easy,and he was a very wild man and actually having physical affairs,,, and on top of that he was a very boring man,but I blamed the divorce of my first marriage on our youth,on the flip side with my ADHD husband, I know he loves me and he is definitely not a boring man, and very much adventurous person,and I love that about him, even though there are many many obstacles with us, and loads of anger tantrums and spontaneous fights for no reason,the "book" helped me work around that. I am proud also to say that what ever I have missed from the books, I picked up the rest here,and I am grateful for the marriage forums and all of you.
lovehurts.
This is great, LoveHurts!
Submitted by YYZ on
I also had a VERY brief marriage#1. I was only 20 and it ended quickly and thankfully without children. This was 23 years before I knew I had ADD and the marriage was over in less than 2 years. (6 months of it was getting the divorce finalized) I hope things improve for you, they should because you are putting so much effort into figuring out how ADD effects everything between you and your DH.
Keep up the good work!
Speaking of first marriages...
Submitted by masmam1 on
LOL. I'm debating ending mine (5 yrs married, 11 totall). Thankfully, no children are involved.
I also have found this site more helpful than the books. It seems more "real" to me. But, I have been in therapy for a year, taking meds for depression, and seeing a psych for the depression. Yea, I've got my issues. He has untreated ADHD. What a combo!
However, I'm the one with no desire. He, on the other hand, has declared he won't initiate anymore because he's tired of being denied. That's a lot of pressure to bear. So, we're stuck.
Initiate a "No Initiate Policy"
Submitted by YYZ on
You are working on yourself, AND trying to figure out what your spouse is dealing with. That is Awesome! I can imagine how frustrating it is to be stuck, because I've been there / still there for new reasons.
The room mate situation from this day forward will be termed RMS, which now makes me think of RMS Titanic and That Ship Sank in the Cold water. Sorry for throwing an ADD thought process into this. ;)
I initiated for years through the RMS and got so tired of the fails, not to mention these attempts left my mind racing, of course, which lead to much lost sleep on top of the Failure. I stopped trying too. The thing is my DW never mentioned to me why I stopped try?!? My unknown ADD brain really took a beating with this realization. I really began to think that my DW was just doing the marriage things for the kids and because of what others would think if we split up. She worries to the Nth Degree about what people think about her. My actions also cause worry about what people would think about her because of my actions/inaction.
When my DW is worried/tired/guilty in the evenings she cannot relax her mind and now I sure notice better the visual cues I never saw before and know not to waste time trying. It is almost like we need to schedule one day a week on the calendar until it improves, but this will only add to her worry. She takes anti-depressants which help a bit over years past with the anger outburst frequency, but the side effects are weight gain and S-Drive loss. RMS continues it's slow voyage...
Failures
Submitted by masmam1 on
We both feel like we've failed ourselves and each other at times.
Epic Fail...
Submitted by YYZ on
I know Exactly what you mean...
On the sex thing
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
YYZ - we had a period of time when figuring out whether or not we were going to have sex was incredibly stressful - I was angry with him, so often not in the mood. He was concerned I would reject him (as you describe) and so became more tentative about his needs (which then made me more angry - go figure!) In our situation at least, when I decided to calm down and behave in a more caring way, things improved again. I think as long as either one of you is mad, the sex just isn't going to flow at all. We moved past it all by committing to connect sexually, even when we weren't in the mood. This took scheduling...and commitment on both our parts to clear our minds of the negative in preparation. But I will say that it worked. We got back into it. So it might be worth a conversation with your partner about whether or not you both want to "risk" intentionally putting aside your hurts on a regular basis. Also, I found that scheduling our time together when things were "iffy" was really helpful. I was much LESS stressed out because I wasn't always wondering whether or not that "casual" touch was an attempted (all too subtle) invitation to have sex, or just his saying "hi." When we structured things a bit more it was easier not to worry about every touch since I knew it wasn't an overture, which also unthawed our everyday life, too.
So don't just give up on your sex life. It's a really important part of a relationship.
Scheduling...
Submitted by YYZ on
I'm thinking more about the scheduling thing, taking away the unknowns that wreck everything. Long ago, way before my ADD diagnosis, we discussed the fact that I hardly touched her and that a little hand holding, sitting next to her, a kiss (other than the goodbye kiss) without meaning Sex would help. After diagnosis, the light bulb Really came on for me in this regard. It is Now she is not very receptive to this because she suspects ulterior motives. She told me what would help her, but I know the secret now so it is not me trying to make it better, but a way to get what I want. I Always get what I want And the Easy way out. My diagnosis IS the thorn in her side, because I get the Easy Out for my past behaviors. My attempts to do better because of what I have learned just make it worse, because I'm different now than I used to be.
When I finished "Driven to Distraction" the other day, under "Common Problems in the Treatment of ADD" #1 stopped me in my tracks. "Certain key individuals in the person's life - teacher, parent, spouse, employer, friend - do not accept the diagnosis of ADD. They do not "Believe in" ADD, and they do not want us to talk about it.
This is my Exact place... I pretty much shut up about ADD, knowing she was hurt/angry after the first month or so. I don't have a good outlet other than this website to get support. GREAT support here, I must say. My DW knows I still read and post about ADD, but I do not bring it up unless she asks. I hope the scheduling suggestion works as it should remove all the unknowns from the equation and should lead to normalizing things as you say.
Thanks for your response.
A Little Late Here on the Comment...
Submitted by kit_kat_lover on
YYZ - has your wife discussed the s-drive with her doctor? I too hate the effect that AD's have on S-Drive but my doc recently added a low dose of Wellbutrin to my AD (Lexapro) and it really turned things around for me. And, Wellbutrin also helps combat the weight side effects of the AD's. Some don't like the Wellbutrin because it's stimulating, but I've found it works wonders. Just putting it out there in case you haven't tried it. If she's willing, that is.
Yep... Talked to the doctor, she has...
Submitted by YYZ on
The biggest issue is getting her to relax...
YYZ RE:age
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
I am 32 my hubby is 47 I don't know if this is normal,but after one year of marriage and 4 months we still have s around 3 to 4 times a day "only" on weekends though,during the week "none at all" or "sometimes once during the week",his s drive is very high, and way over his head, I have spoken about this so I won't say much,I on the other hand is non-ADHD and I am happy to be near hubby during the weekends.But I am happy that I haven't lost the intimacy with him as yet, I thought I did but thank god I didn't.
Based on Melissa's new blog
Submitted by YYZ on
If I took my current activity X10 I'd still be on the low side... My drive has never really changed and the Adderall does not affect it one way or the other. My DW takes anti-depressants which kill her already low drive. She feels guilty about this and tells me so, which makes me feel guilty bringing it up.
Thanks for the response...
Not the only one with a high drive ;)
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
I am sooooooo glad to see a post on sex. Seriously. YYZ, I am dying here from lack of it. I remember your post about 3 times a week being heaven. I'd say about once or twice a day would be heaven for me...but that's never going to happen. I understand that's not realistic, and no, I'm not a porn/sex addict.
Funny thing (not literally ha-ha funny) is that my drive was terribly low for a long time due to a few things:
1) THE PILL... Every woman I've ever spoken to who's gotten off the pill to try and get pregnant has marveled at the return of her sex drive. Over time, I became chemically neutered. Post-baby, I decided I could never go back to what I used to think of as being "dead from the waist down." I have an IUD, which utilizes localized instead of systemic hormones. I am You're right, whether it's anti-depressants, or in my case, birth control pills, it can certainly have an effect on one's libido.
2) DISTRACTION... Could not focus long enough, easily distracted. Now that I'm off the pill and have dealt with number 3, I could hyperfocus on this. Hell, yeah... Even off meds :D...I will say that both Concerta and Focalin make me ready to hump a tree...Sorry (not really that sorry) for my bluntness. I teach all day and have small children and I need to unleash my potty mouth somewhere :D :D :D.
3) GREW UP IN REPRESSED HOME... Imagine this: You have ADHD and little impulse control and quite the imagination. BUT...told in so many things said and unsaid that sex is bad, bad, BAD! I am so NOT repressed NOW, though that does me little good... It took my hubby a LONG, LONG, LONG time to help work me through this, and now he almost never wants to do it... I know our relationship is not helping... We're in talks though ;). I'm actually kind of surprised. We have not been in a good spot, and frankly this year has been the most miserable of my life 'cause I'm so damn lonely. For the first time ever, I get why people have affairs (DON'T WORRY: I would NEVER do that; I just understand WHY people can get to that point). I want my husband back. He's been saying he wants a divorce for two years. He's still here though, for what it's worth.
Amongst my hubby's many resentments (not just about my ADHD; he has REAL issues with forgiving people in a general sense), he says (rightfully, I'm sad to report) that I stole his twenties/the best years of his life away from him with my low sex drive. I had no idea what was going on and it took me a long time to figure it out because it was, like many things in my life, complicated...
3 of 7
Submitted by YYZ on
I said I'd be happy with 3 of 7 days, but 7 of 7 is almost impossible to believe. I simply don't understand a guy who would ever say no??? I don't get it, unless you are really sick or injured. I'm not an addict, either, but the drive has never slowed which is why the last 9 years leading to my diagnosis took it's toll on me. For a brief 1/2 year (on the verge of divorce) we went crazy, like 6 to 7 days a week, then gradually slowing to almost as bad as ever. Once a month is usually not correct. 5 to 6 weeks... I don't know how to get out of this stale room mate situation, but it is draining me big time. If it were not for you guys out here on this site, I would not have any idea if I were doing anything right. It really sucks, because I'm in the best shape of my life at 46 and my wife is just not that interested because of the hectic life and anger with me.