I'm feeling so sucker punched I can barely breathe.

I recently felt the usual, "something is up," feeling, so I actually asked if there was a surprise coming down the pike.

The answer was an emphatic, "No, of course not."

Today as I sat down today do bills, I thought something was wrong with my online banking at first.

Turns out he diverted his check to an account I had no idea about.

When I called to ask, what I got was something about, "You remember what happened in December."

I scroll back in my mind. He's only mentioned December once, it was within the last week.

Ugh, my visceral reaction is strictly to vomit right now.

In December, he was on the verge of losing his job over using company funds on a gambling addiction. It took an advance from a retirement account to bail out from that one.

Christmas tends to be generally miserable on my end anyway due to his complete nonparticipation in any holiday prep work and my physical disability which makes the whole thing beyond difficult for me.

I had completely had it and blew my stack. Any reasonable person would have and I certainly did.

Had it not been for the retirement account advance there would have been no Christmas for our children. As it was, the delay on getting the paperwork in on his part made it so things were literally scrapped together days before.

I was exhausted, per the usual.

During our six year marriage the poor impulse control in the spending area has totaled at least $200,000 outside of any regular income. He'd filed bankruptcy before I met him, however said it was related to the first wife's spending habits.

We nearly lost our home over the gambling issue.

Each time a deduction came from his paycheck he lied and said it was a mistake. 

I was completely honest about everything when I blew. I let it all out from the nearly sexless marriage, the lack of any emotional support, the lying and the chronic financial infidelity.

I'd said three years at least I was becoming concerned I would eventually need to seek something outside due to the complete lack of sex. My husband puts a pillow between us as we sleep. 

Anyway, as is, he'll be home soon. I will mostly guess at this point there will be no communication surrounding the bank rerouting thing.

I could write more, but just mostly exhausted.

I wonder if he is actually capable of honesty. There's my personal truth, right there...