Hello looking for general support really. I've been with my husband for 11 years. Five of those married. It's the same as everyone else really, we were great until we got married and then he totally changed. We got pregnant quite quickly and he was overwhelmed with the prospect of becoming a dad and I couldn't do or say anything right. Covid hit us hard financially and the loss of work sent him into a depression. I noticed huge mood changes during this time and every 3 months he would say he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me or want our life together. Then he was would come back around and things would be good for a while and the same would happen again. His moods switch so rapidly sometimes it's hard to know what I said. Issues with my slowness to respond or also me responding too directly in the wrong tone have caused so many issues. Around a year and a half ago after a breach of trust, he went into the therapy that first suggested ADHD. We then did another year without a formal diagnosis. This year he threatened divorce 3 times during a fight which he started, but apparently I was to blame for. I'm happy to accept I am not perfect but I do struggle with the temper escalation and I am always accused of being aserbic or acidic. I often feel like he has two personalities, one for everyone else and then the split one with me. He works relentlessly which is where his hyperfocus goes. Then when he gets back he either crashes from exhaustion or illness. He won't stick to any exercise routine as works too much and has quite a transient job so he can't find a routine for diet and exercise together. He finally got a formal diagnosis of ADHD combined inattentive and hyperactive at high levels and then he chose not to take the medication (Ritalin). I decided to at that point to end the relationship which was extremely difficult as ii of course love him very much. After a few weeks he wanted to try the medication, and we have started to mend. However he has been hit with an illness that has delayed starting the medication by another two months. And I can feel the anxiety building up in me that I'm relying too much on this to change things. Has anyone else had experience with great improvements in their partner after the medication? Am I pinning too much hope on this?
Does the medication really help?
Submitted by @griffkat on 07/09/2024.
18 months
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I was told by my high-level ADD then husband's excellent psychiatrist that we should expect the medication and therapy startup to take 12-18 months to give us a glimpse of the future. Medication apparently can need several adjustments. Also the ADHD partner's adjustment to the new situation will take time.
Meanwhile, I was told to try and work with my then husband to create new routines and try to enjoy myself separately.
So I'm under the impression it may take some patience. In our case medication seemed to help him, but my situation didn't improve with his treatment. We had too much relationship damage done already I guess.
samsies
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
This could have been my post this morning after being told I was meeting my spouse in anger when I was trying to figure out (RE un-f**k) what the change in plans were after it wasn't communicated that plans would need to change. And that sparked off a whole litany of anger between us. So I hear you on this one. My spouse has been only diagnosed a year ago this month and he has horrible chronic depression as well. So they were trying to treat the depression first and then then ADHD. He's only just started the ADHD medication in alignment with the depression medicine. It's been a roller coaster. I've caught glimpses of what my husband used to be; the good quality traits that attracted me to him... the medicine will do that much... but I've found that in times of stress and/or missmanagement of stress, it doens't matter how long, how much or what pills he's taking, it's a shit show that I have to try to run for cover and grab my son as well. The shrapnel damage of this is very real.
I echo Swedish below in that, through my OWN journey of this, I've found focusing on my own things, making plans, connecting with friends, doing service for others (NOT my household - let me be very clear on this), volunteering, working out, reading, etc.... this really does help for yourself and to get thorugh these things. This is easier said than done but try to keep your cool in the heat of the matter... I'm doing the Crappy Childhood Therapy Daily Practice to help with my regulation. But it's exhasting isn't it? To have to be on your toes at all times bc of their inability to see the destruction they have caused.
Allies
Submitted by StandingFirm on
I have read words and phrases that have been in my head for so long, living with an ADHD spouse. Roller coaster of emotions, having to be on our toes to prevent or dodge a rage, tiptoeing around to not set them off. And exhausted. So much exhaustion from all of that and the patience...i want just one conversation free from defensive or narcissistic responses, walking away, blame.
hang in there.
It depends
Submitted by Catterfly on
Hi @griffkat,
Melissa recommends that with medication, you have to be really clear about what symptoms you're trying to reduce. I agree - that's the only way to make any life decisions like you described (ie leaving).
In our case, my husband started ADHD meds in January and reported immediately that it helped him. I only saw minor changes though; he was slightly more helpful on the weekends. But he'd still wander away from me in the middle of a conversation (one of the things that drives me nuts), and he still had explosive rage daily.
Two weeks ago, after I went independently to his doctor and begged for help, he was convinced to start a 45 day trial of anti-depressants. At the same time, I told him I'm leaving him.
I'm not sure which one did the trick, but he hasn't yelled or been mean for two weeks now. Insensitive, yes, but not mean or ragey.
i have my fingers crossed for real change from the anti-depressants, and hope that we can end our marriage in a congenial way for our kids. And more importantly, make time spent with dad also a time of psychological safety for them.
This is really hard to say the least. I'm glad you found the forum as one element of support - one that we've all found to be immensely helpful.
PS - my husband has threatened divorce on a cycle as well. I finally shut it down when I agreed that it was a good idea, because the threat in and of itself is emotional abuse and I won't take that any more from him.
:(
Submitted by FinallyCrushing... on
Dang. I'm so sorry it didn't work out for you guys.
I was a mess for several years (minus any depression sympoms).
I feel like medication CAN be really helpful, but it's more about the work I did for myself. Coming here, reading about symptoms and stories, seeing it in myself. It was really those realizations that helped me augment my behavior and headspace. Do I still get enraged several times a week? Yes. Do I let it out? Almost never. I've found that just calling it out inside my head ['rejection sensitivity'/'emotional dysregulation'/etc] really helps me see what it is and de-escalate quickly.
Best of luck to you two. I hope it all stays amicable.
Thank you
Submitted by Catterfly on
Hi FinallyCrushing,
You're such an inspiration. The fact that you're here, trying to learn about ADHD and how it has affected you, and making adjustments to how you operate in the world, is a game-changer.
If I'd ever heard an apology from my husband, or a recognition that his rages are misplaced, then things would be different. But he is in complete denial. In fact he comes to this forum but doesn't see his own behaviour in the "extreme cases" people are describing. Including my posts.
Thank you for commenting and participating here. You are giving me - and others - a lot of hope that things will get better.
Also what are the cycles? Is
Submitted by @griffkat on
Also what are the cycles? Is this a common with all ADHD Or just some cases?
Cycles ....
Submitted by J on
I believe are a common thing with folks who have ADHD. Depending on what other things a person has going on, these cycles will vary from person to person for example: My main cycles are burnout and anxiety/depression associated cycles. I also believe they can be unique from person to person depending each individuals natural make up.
I don't suffer from every symptom so some of these things don't apply to me. For example: I don't have trouble sleeping or falling asleep. I tend to sleep very soundly and more often than not, wake up feeling rested. I've been this way all my life going back to childhood and I'm definitely a morning person. To the utter annoyance to people who are not to be sure! I'm generally in a good mood and don't experience morning anger and irritation. From the sound of what I've read with others who have ADHD, this is less common and almost the opposite from the average but not completely unheard of.
So, I don't have that component of any cycle but it appears in others as I've read.
But, I definitely have Anxiety related cycles and symptoms and have experienced the burnout cycle throughout my life many times.
So I think a fair answer to your question might be: yes, it's common but not every case is the same and somewhat individual on how they are expressed.
There are other cycles too that like: Hyperfocus, guilt and shame, and the S.P.I.N. cycle. Including the phases one goes through in learning about their diagnosis throughout the process of doing things about it.
J
I sure hope so...
Submitted by ceolfrithtx on
I sure hope so, I have a lot of hopes pinned on the possibility that things can be better once I convince my partner to try this :( I did ADHD meds for a year or two when I went back to school and I realized that around that time I built up some habits and time awareness that I think I largely KEPT after I stopped taking the medicine. I've seen one study that suggests it's possible for that to happen but haven't researched it very deeply.
Adderall (meds)
Submitted by c ur self on
Everyone is different, but, what I have noticed about stimulants and ADD (w/my spouse) is it can be helpful on a personal level as for as maintaining focus at work, or projects that the person commits themselves to each day....It does nothing for behavior or faulty priorities and it enhance's hyper focus because it speeds up brain function...So in a marriage setting it enhance's the fight or flight where denial is present, and will produce more energy for inappropriate pursuits...It has been a deterrent to communication for us...I can see where it could possibly benefit some people who are more self aware, and does not excuse poor behavior...But just remember like any drug, there is hang over effects that cause difficulty w/ energy and usually communication at day's end...
c
I agree
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Stimulants don't seem to help with priorities. Not with orientation either. They don't make the ADHD person able to plan ahead, to communicate, to express preferences or calmly solve problems together with their spouse. Stimulants don't solve reactivity at any perceived criticism either. And after seven or eight pm the effect is gone and nothing more can be discussed or done. All this only my personal experience.
Swedish Coast...Same....
Submitted by c ur self on
Same...
agreed!
Submitted by FinallyCrushing... on
I was on Adderall for several years and was exactly like what you described.
It absolutely took a crazy event and then the pursuit of self-awareness to overcome.
My marriage is now stronger than ever, but if I'm being honest, it's only been very solid (on my end) for the past 4 years and we've been married for 13 years.
I guess what I mean to say is don't give up hope, but whether it's you or a spouse having the issues, I recommend both people try to learn as much as possible about ADHD. It really helps with reflection and growth.
Finally Crushing...You are so right....
Submitted by c ur self on
Everything feeds of self-awareness....IF any of us refuse to SEE and OWN, our thoughts, words and behaviors we become an unsafe person for others...This is true in aspect of life...Only self awareness of my reality allows me to see what other's see in me...Be it a wife, friend, co-worker, or my creator...
c
Elephant in the Room
Submitted by J on
Hi @griffcat,
There's been a lot of good information mentioned in this post already, mainly about what meds don't do. I concurr. From someone who took Adderall for over a decade, stopped for five years and now just last week, started taking them again, I have a fresh set of eyes on the effects meds are having on me much of which, are things you can read up on in countless sources including this site.
I could talk at length on this subject and expand on the things already mentioned in this post. Right now, I want to offer some insight on what I'm currently focusing on and really paying attention to and that is motivation. I'm calling motivation the elephant in the room. It is in my mind, and extremely important aspect to consider for a person with ADHD. It's a big topic on ADHD forums with endless discussions about it on going. It's an elusive thing for sure, and it changes constantly from day to day, or even, within the day. Medication absolutely has a regulating effect on motivation keeping it more consistent throughout the day.
But....you have to have it in the first place. If you aren't already in the frame of mind that says, I want to do something about my ADHD symptoms. and Im ready to do it.....no pill is going to magically give you motivation where there is none. You have to want it, and, you have to want to do something about it.
I grant myself the desire and internal fortitude to go through the effort and discomfort and live there for a while. The meds help and give you more of what's already there, it won't do that part for you.
If a person simply doesn't want to do something, you really can't force them to do it. Motivation is key. Being self-motivated is a huge component in this.
J
Ability
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Sometimes I feel a need to add when motivation is somewhat questioned in ADHDers as a group: there are also some, as I have seen, who lack nothing when it comes to motivation, devotion, loyalty, even self sacrifice. They still may not function to save their marriage.
The non-ADHD spouse may hope that their love will make the ADHD partner change their ways. But like you can't make a person in a wheelchair walk to please you, you can't make a neurodivergent person change. By insisting on change you might stir shame and resentment in your spouse though, like I've done. Nothing good came out of it.
Ability / capability
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
Swedish Coast, I couldn't agree more. I think you and I have / had a similar type of dynamic in our marriages and I think it's not as common as the garden variety Non ADHD / ADHD couple. I cannot fault my H for all those above qualities, he is an exceptional human being, but I do feel that he is just not capable of functioning at the level required by today's modern society, especially the country where we live which is horribly complex and getting through a day is a huge challenge even for the most highly-functioning, healthy adult. He often says he wishes he could run a beach bar because he craves the simplicity and the lack of societal pressure. But, we can't all move to the beach and live that life, especially not with kids who also need a chance at a good future. It's really a perplexing situation...
The misunderstanding of a brilliant mind
Submitted by Swedish coast on
This sounds very familiar, yes!
The thing about highly intelligent and talented people with terrible executive functioning (ability to make things happen), is a partner can misunderstand their ability completely. For years! The impressive traits of the ADHD spouse fuel high expectations in the non-ADHD spouse. Those expectations aren't entirely let down. Later, the ADHD partner gradually lose their youthful energy, therefore can no longer compensate for their lack of executive functioning. Finally they struggle with the most basic everyday tasks. The non-ADHD partner doesn't understand anything of what's happening. And then, maybe a diagnosis - too late to save the marriage.
The slow transformation of my ex husband from brilliant to disabled is the most confusing thing that's ever happened to me.
This is it exactly
Submitted by swampyankee on
Swedish coast, this exactly. My spouse is brilliant. He's a great actor, he is a brilliant botanist. He's well spoken and he's...all those things. But at life and relationships? He's not.
We're at the beyond breaking point now. I told him I was done...at which point he finally said he'd seek a diagnosis. But even if he did that now...it's way, way too late. I've had patience for his failures while being brilliant for 22 years and that well has dried up. I (and you) deserve a life uncomplicated by brilliant minds.
Just like us…
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you for replying Swampyankee. I'm so sorry you have this very same experience (the 22 years is our story too).
Im struggling with stress still eight months after divorce. It's been so upsetting living with his fallouts, denial and occasional high functioning (that only made me angry in the end - it's hard to respect the necessity of a wheelchair in a person who occasionally walks and thinks nothing of it). My nervous system seems to have been re-wired to constant fight or flight mode and I've become fiercely effective, but unable to relax.
I agree with you. What about our talent, our joy, our integrity?
I hope for the best for you.
Excellent point J...
Submitted by c ur self on
Motivation is key...If a person's view's and desires for themselves day to day, is of a self pleasing nature, and they invest their time and energy there, in activities outside the realm of responsible relationship demands, then the meds. only produce more focus and more energy for those selfish pursuits....Under pressure (hide their true self from others) the spouse might not even recognize this person's actions, (like I see w/my wife) because all of sudden her motivation becomes shame driven and drug powered...
c
Path of Least Resistance C
Submitted by J on
People with ADHD need extra neurotransmitters to make up for what they're not getting otherwise. This is where the need for stimulation comes from. The chase for outside stimulation will lead you right down the path of least resistance and avoidance of what is difficult, boring or takes energy away. Those things can be draining, not stimulating, for a person with ADHD.
This was my thought process as I read what you just said C. Enter motivation.
People have been known to do superhuman things in emergency situations. Like lifting cars off people who are trapped underneath when motivated to do so. Of course, adrenaline has a lot to do with this but, the fact remains, we all have the potential to do similar things when properly motivated.
When I'm confronted with doing something that is not stimulating, difficult or new things that require a lot more mental energy.....I have to find a way to get myself up to do it. In other words, when it's not life and death pushing me to rise up.....I somehow have to push myself and find a way to create the motivation needed to overcome the resistance I'm feeling. I truly believe, that resistance, is to not taking the path of least resistance and taking the more difficult path, the one you know you need to do.
If you can create clean, not shame or fear based motivation....one based on positive energy in a positive direction....this is where meds do their job.
Under these conditions....they make doing the mundane or less stimulating task ( or whatever ) easier because it lightens the load. It helps lighten the load so you can do more and do it longer without seeking stimulation in other ways.
And as you pointed out....if you're not using it for its intended purpose...you'll get out of it exactly what you put in.
J
Perfectly stated J....
Submitted by c ur self on
People with ADHD need extra neurotransmitters to make up for what they're not getting otherwise. This is where the need for stimulation comes from. The chase for outside stimulation will lead you right down the path of least resistance and avoidance of what is difficult, boring or takes energy away. Those things can be draining, not stimulating, for a person with ADHD.
This was my thought process as I read what you just said C. Enter motivation.
In my own life as a young man, this is what I had to come face to face with, because there were easier roads....I came to a point I had to decide who I wanted to be, and how I wanted to be identified in this life, (character)...When a person determine's in their heart (convictions) that they want to be identified by certain qualities, they will place energy there...It really doesn't matter who we are, only when we dodge the pain of self discipline, (and it does take discipline for everyone) do we justify all the attributes that only produce things like shame, excuses and justification...
It is obvious there are people on this site who blame adhd as a way to not deal w/ their own issues...And there are those who use adhd as an excuse for not disciplining their lives...The hope any of us have is, hopefully, the light of awareness will come on at some point...
c
Intrinsic motivation
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
Reading through this thread, it really becomes crystal clear, in my case at least, that the inner motivation only exists in a very narrow / hyperfocused way for my spouse. He did quite well in life in his 20's when he was fortunate enough to be paid to do his hyperfocus thing all day long. But this thing has a natural age limit to it, and as life has gotten more real, he hasn't been able to keep up with the normal growth curve because that option is now finished. It's very difficult for him to muster the motivation to do anything that is required of him, and until recently did it with an air of quiet resentment - usually right at the last minute and under pressure of consequence. But the energy he has for his "thing" is astounding! I've argued for years that he needs help with some issues, not to please me or save the marriage, but to understand himself more, to heal, to grow, to engage in his own life (the boring parts of it too), because that would be best for all involved. But to this day I get the feeling that he is doing it because of the fear of losing me. Which is external motivation. I am beginning to wonder if ADHD makes it impossible to grasp the idea of intrinsic motivation across all aspects of life for one's greater good, while even though difficult and sometimes boring for all of us, it's kind of the adult thing to do.
Deleted
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I Know Intrinsic Motivation Can Be Learned
Submitted by J on
I'm only one person with ADHD, so I can only speak about my own experience but yes, intrinsic motivation can definitely can be learned. For me, I started learning it at 6 years old competing in sports. No one made me, in fact, if my parents had tried to make me I probably would have quit. It was 100% my decision and I could quit without consequence any time. I continued for training and competing for 12 years when I graduated high school. The lessons I learned from this stayed with me for my entire life to this day.
I wasn't even very good at it at first... no first place trophies or external awards. I simply did it because I enjoyed it despite it not being easy much of the time. The rewards came later ( delayed )...and I learned the connection at the same time. Learning these lessons during my formative years I'm sure made a big difference.
J