It was 9:30 pm. I was watching TV. My spouse came home, walked into the living room and asked, "Do you want something for supper? I'm going to grill some hamburgers."
Sure frustrated the heck out of me. 9:30 at night. I just responded, "No thanks. I've already eaten." Bubbling up in me was the boiling sarcasm: "Um, NO. Dinner time is between 5:30 and 6:30." I had lost a majority of these battles over the past 20+ years, and gave up the ghost on the war.
See folks, this is one of the tiny battles I cannot get my mind to accept. I had strived for a consistent, dependable dinner time when my children were growing up. Most times we ate without Dad, as he was still out on a job. After the children and I ate, I just left the food on the stove so my spouse could eat when ever he got home. A large percentage of the time, he had eaten a 'late lunch at 4 or 5' so he just put the stuff away.
Then when the late teen years arrived, each of them - one son and one daughter - were assigned a day to make supper. My goal was to teach them about nutrition and responsibility. There was only a few basic guidelines.
1. Let us know in advance if dinner will be ready later than 7 pm.
2. If you need something special from the grocery store, let me know in advance.
3. You can make the same thing every week if you want. Dinner needs 3 basic components: A main dish, and 2 side dishes. Hot dogs, chips and a fruit/vegetable is acceptable. Spaghetti, sausage links, and a salad is acceptable.
4. The goal: Learn to cook, learn about scheduling time to prepare, and share responsibility of dinner time with all family members.
My spouse had an assigned day also. He usually brought home dinner from KFC or some take-out.
The hardest thing - my spouse continually neglected his day. And then got angry at US. I heard all the excuses I care to hear. "Got hung up at work." "Time got away from me." "I forgot."
How does a person build boundaries around that scenario? It all boiled down to: I cannot rely on my spouse to do his fair share.
And that behavior permeated into all the aspects of our family life. Getting things repaired. Getting home in time for attending an event. Planning holidays. Following through on attending a family event - he consistently decided he needed to stay home and 'get stuff done.'
My children are grown, and one is married. There is no 'shared responsibility' at my house. I eat when I want. Some days my spouse still comes home and grumbles there is no prepared dinner. I have lost every shred of desire I have to make that dinner time work.
If I marked on the calendar when he neglected his day, he got angry. If I did not have marks on the calendar to chart his neglect, he denied it was happening. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. No accountability. None.
I do not need him to agree with me to know what a sad state of affairs this is. He does not see it. At all.
That's such a good question,
Submitted by MFrances on
That's such a good question, how do you create boundaries around that? I don't have the answer, I'm still trying to figure out the whole boundary thing. It's very hard when it's your spouse. I'm able to set up boundaries with other people, but they don't live with me. Then there is the children and what it shows them. My son will say "I forgot" and think that is an acceptable excuse because that is what he hears his dad say and Dad does not suffer any consequences. I also have the same problem of if I remind him he gets mad, but if I don't I'm not being supportive. Some things he is able to see as his ADD and others he is not and gets mad (at me usually). Last night he went over the neighbors "just for a minute", the kids and I were in the backyard. After a couple minutes my daughter noticed Dad was up there and their kids were out so she and my son wanted to go. I can see them from the yard so I said go ahead. Watched them walk up, and pass the street that intersects. They walk by my husband. I am trying to decide if I want to go up too or spend the time cleaning up the house in peace. But I decide to go up. About 5 minutes have passed since the kids went up, I get to my husband and he says "where are the kids?". I say are you kidding? they walked right by you. He says I was talking. Like that is an excuse not to see a group of 3-4 kids going by you. Talking is so important to him that that is all he is focused on. And the worse part is he thinks it's perfectly Ok that he was so focused on talking that he didn't see his kids go by. He got annoyed with me that I pointed out he didn't see his kids. Good thing I did decide to go up and didn't trust that my husband would see his kids and be responsible for them. He would have left them at the neighbors!
Sorting it all out
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Hi Panda123,
There it is. You said it quite clearly: ""Good thing I did decide to go up and didn't trust that my husband. . . . . . . . ."
Based on the scenario I posted, and how I can relate to what you posted, I see how my marriage had slowly evolved into a parent/child relationship.
My confusion is still in the adult relationship boundary scheme of things. While I fully accept I cannot MAKE my spouse do anything, I get confused. IS the only alternative to run for the hills?!?!
I can state facts - "It was your turn for dinner tonight." "I was disappointed I had to make dinner when it was your day."
I cannot 'punish him' by assigning him 2 days per week until he gets it right.
I cannot make him write an essay about the affect his forgetting to make dinner had on me, our son and our daughter.
I KNOW I am fully disappointed. . . . in his behavior and my obvious tolerance of it.
It's very hard to live with
Submitted by MFrances on
It's very hard to live with the disappointment. In my scenario, when I thought about it this morning, I thought well, I could have yelled up to him to let him know the kids are coming and I was going inside the house. But first, he wouldn't have heard me because 1) he is hard of hearing, and 2) he was so focused on talking he wouldn't have heard me. I'm sure one of the neighbors would have pointed out that I was shouting for him. It would have taken at least 5 minutes to get his attention and have him hear what I was saying. But then there is still the fact that he would not pay any attention to the kids because he was focused on talking. But the neighbors would have. But they shouldn't have to. Plus, since he sees nothing wrong with not noticing his kids because he was talking, he would have still ended up irritated with me that I had to point out to him that the kids are up there. So what's the point? Either way he is irritated with my behavior and either way I am scared that my husband can't/won't notice his kids walking by. It's easy to say to create boundaries but how do we live with the disappointment that this is not what a marriage should be.
How do you not feel it :)
Submitted by c ur self on
It's something I just have learned to deal with...I try not to expect her to do any different, so I am not shocked and emotionally attached to the way she lives her life...In other words, If I tried to set up rules about timeliness for her...than I would be the one living in a fantasy world...and asking for a lot discouragement...So, I am trying to not focus on any type or rules or control toward her, and just be an on- looker...I've made my mind up about one thing, I'm going to lover like she is or move on, I'm not fighting and arguing, life is to short...
You have such a great
Submitted by MFrances on
You have such a great attitude and outlook, c ur self. Thank you. I think it just takes time and practice to not let this stuff bother us. there was an instance where my husband had to reschedule two appointments. I meant to leave him a note but I forgot. I was going to text him at work to remind him but then thought, no one reminds me to schedule appts, reschedule, cancel whatever needs done, and I am doing that for myself and the kids. He never says to me-did you schedule daughter's neurologist appt? I thought, he's a grown-up, he can do this on his own and if he forgets and gets charged for not cancelling within 24 hours then that money is coming out of his cig money and not our budget. It bothered me all day long! I had to keep saying this to myself over and over again. But guess what? He remembered to cancel the appts. It's hard to let go after nagging and trying to control for so long I guess. I'm hoping it will get easier. That's an easy example and situation, even though it bothered me all day. But it saddens me to know my husband will not notice our kids walking right by him and I can't leave that to natural consequences. the kids could get hurt if he doesn't notice. I know now not to expect him to notice but I wish it was different. That is just something I have to grieve over and figure out a way to move on.
I don't want to sound like I
Submitted by c ur self on
I don't want to sound like I've got it all figured out, because I don't...its just that I hate being angry, and dissatisfied, it just makes my life and marriage so negative, when I am so blessed. I could write a thread a mile long just like everyone here. Adders and Nonadders...It is so awesome when two hearts are melted together as one, and we can experience that perfect oneness...God is so good, and I know he wants peace in our marriage's and homes...So, I just can't jump into trusting my mind, or my abilities to make it all OK...Been there by Grace I want return... I may be forced to live alone someday (hope not) but, by Grace I want do it mad at the world because I can't count my blessings or change my wife's behaviors...I still have to deal with my own anger...such is my name: c ur self, it's not for her, it's for me ;)
If You Can't Beat Em'...?
Submitted by kellyj on
I have to stop and ask myself.......who's schedule am living by? My children's school schedule? my employer's schedule? my spouse's schedule? or mine?
It was so easy for me to get lost in years that revolved around children..... that when they were no longer there....I was still acting as if they were. I realized I had a choice but was still operating as if I didn't....but it felt strange not to continue on as before. I realized again that it was because I had never stopped to think about it. I had never made a choice with the new options available to me. My choice instead of it being dictated by something or someone else.
Once you realize this.....you can choose any schedule you like and then see if that fits with your spouse. Or maybe even better. Adopt his/her as your own. You can choose that too.
sometimes it's easier to simply change direction and instead of swimming against the current....turn around and float downstream on your back with no effort while gazing at the scenery.
J...:):):)
Submitted by c ur self on
(Turn around and float downstream on your back with no effort while gazing at the scenery.) I've never heard anyone describe how my wife lives her life this well...Now if I can only get up the courage to flip over and join her; instead of breast stroking myself to death watching out for logs...;)
Herding Cats?
Submitted by kellyj on
I think it must feel that way for people who are with us sometimes....
I finally sat down with my wife the other day and said.."look....I always feel like I am trying to catch up to you. And you are always mad because I can't.....like you are trying to herd a cat."
That's how the conversation began. The reality of the situation is one that came to mind from reading the posts on this forum and my wife is no different than many of the spouses here. She likes order (actually she needs it). When her world starts to get out of control she starts trying to control it.....including me! She doesn't deal with stress and anxiety well (who does?) but the way she manages it is to try and control everything around her. To her....I'm a cat and she would be better suited owning an obedient trained dog especially when she starts needing to control things. This is a problem for both of us ( as you could imagine? )
Me....ADHD who lives in a world of only shades of grey.....her, who lives in a world that is only black and white. We do not live in the same world but she keeps thinking that we do. I've tried to explain this to her but trying to explain what the color grey is would be the same as trying to describe the color red to a blind person. How do you do that.?
It hasn't been easy but I think she has begun to understand that I simply can't do things the way she does sometimes and I have to find a different way to do them...not because I'm being obstinate or difficult....but simply because it's the only way I've found that will work. All other ways have failed and trying to keep up with her only makes me miserable and her angry.
I simply told her at the end of the conversation that if you just allow me to do some things in my own time and in my own way they will get done all the same. I've already proven to her over time that this is true. (I've set time limits and priority lists of the order that she agrees to and have followed through give or take a few slips + or- 10%)
But trying to schedule in exactly when and how we do things at the same time is a nightmare for both of us sometimes. I told her to please just "let go" and let me do the things you want without you trying to control every detail down to the last minutia.
So far so good......she learning to float and I'm trying to float with her in a straight line. ha
You missed your calling, you should be a Pro. story teller :)
Submitted by c ur self on
Man you are funny:) lol...open lines of (peaceful) communication, where we all respect each other's rights to deal with life the way we must/the only way we know :)...And! if by chance/hopefully we will ;) learn a few things from each other along the way that makes it easier, well that will be awesome!
PS...My follow up pray is: Lord please don't let me get so busy looking at her, that it causes self-blindness. Amen...
You missed your calling, you should be a Pro. story teller :)
Submitted by c ur self on
Man you are funny:) lol...open lines of (peaceful) communication, where we all respect each other's rights to deal with life the way we must/the only way we know :)...And! if by chance/hopefully we will ;) learn a few things from each other along the way that makes it easier, well that will be awesome!
PS...My follow up pray is: Lord please don't let me get so busy looking at her, that it causes self-blindness. Amen...
Amusing (at least to me) Differences
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Me....ADHD who lives in a world of only shades of grey.....her, who lives in a world that is only black and white. We do not live in the same world but she keeps thinking that we do. I've tried to explain this to her but trying to explain what the color grey is would be the same as trying to describe the color red to a blind person. How do you do that.?
J-
This made me think of the differences in our attitudes toward cleaning.
My husband usually understands how DIFFERENT we are, but every now and again he says something which makes me think, "Uh...have we met before? I have ADHD. Not a mild variety." ;)
When I finishing cleaning something, he will sometimes say, "Doesn't that feel good?"
Cleaning is so satisfying for him because he is a linear person with a fully functional frontal lobe. Consistently goal-driven! Attentive to detail! He doesn't mind the delayed gratification, the organization of the task, or the fact it is so damn boring. It invigorates him, which amuses me. He seems to be asking the question because he can't imagine, that on some level, I don't enjoy it. It's almost adorable that he can't wrap his head around it.
Oh, sweetie. I ******** hate cleaning. I do it, but I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever LIKE it. Ever.
If it hit my dopamine that well, I'd do without having to psych myself up for it or needing take many "cleansing breaths" throughout the process. The cleansing breaths are to get my stress level down, because cleaning = stress. My iPod helps me stay on track, too.
My husband, on the other hand, is fueled by the ongoing and continuous satisfaction of a tedious job well-done. His enthusiasm is highly amusing to me because it highlights our differences.
:D
I have ADHD. Not a mild variety." ;)
Submitted by c ur self on
Your about to take over as the one who makes me LOL...more that J....:)....You sound just like my wife, and I'm afraid, i am very similar to your DH...:)