Today, I hurt. This month marks the 6th anniversary of my first husbands death, the first anniversary of my mothers death, the 18th anniversary of my first wedding date, and the absolute purge of my current marriage.
(I removed most of this, because I wrote it in the heat of being so upset. I said things that were harsh and that I know are not true about my husband, and I said things out of hurt and anger.)
That said, my heart still is heavy, and my brain is fried. I know I was fighting my instincts here, and I have decided to follow my heart, and NOT follow my normal Vulcan like logic. I have to show love, even when it is not returned or will be returned, because it is who I am. And I am committed to living authentically - and that means making decisions not in the heat of anger and/or hurt - but making them with the best intentions for the one I love most in the world. I have learned that from so many of you here. (especially you C- though I have often wondered HOW you manage!) I am unable to shut down my heart, and I cannot turn off my love.
He is leaving, and i will be OK - but I will be BETTER than OK if I react with love. Even if he leaves here and we never speak again. I know that I will have acted in love. And he has never had that before - not even with his oldest friends.
The truth is my husband on the inside is the man I love most in the world. Who he truly is, underneath this ill fitting mask of his. And he need to be able to leanr and KNOW deep down inside what I already know - that he is capable, and has the ability to make it. I want him to have the best chance, so I am offering to let him stay until he has the money to honestly get his own place. He needs to finally, stand on his own two feet and NOT live on anyone elses success. Most people do this when they are young, he never did. Now is his chance to do this and find his own wings. I do this to show love, because love isnt dependent on what you recieve, love is giving. And I choose love.
As dumb as it is - in the
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
As dumb as it is - in the vein of "acting with love" I am restoring my husband's "special" (in other words not the default) ringer and text notification on my phone. When I saw that he had set my number to default - it really upset me. Made me feel like I didnt matter, he had set his mother and dauther to their own distinct ringers, and then included me with the default. So I did the same - figured if thats how it mattered to him, then thats how it should matter to me. It was petty.
Because the reality is - he IS special to me, and he is my husband. I want to make sure that regardless of what happens - everything I do is acting with love.
What the heck happened to my Green Blooded Vulcan logic! :-)
"Now is his chance to do this
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"Now is his chance to do this and find his own wings."
Stacey, you are a loving person. But will letting your husband stay until some as-yet undetermined time that, it seems, is up to him to choose (or, more likely, not choose) actually lead to him finding his own wings?
Hi Rosered - I honestly do.
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Hi Rosered - I honestly do. My husband has many many issues to fight, and he cannot do that until he can find his own legs. I honestly believe him when he says he wants to just find a way to prove to himself that he can manage his own life. I think this is his missing peice in life. He has ALWAYS been taken care of, always had someone be responsible for the things he should manage. I know it seems like I am handing things to him - but I really am not. This isnt a free pass by any stretch, he had to commit to certain things - like buying his own sundries like cigarettes, gas, paying his credit card down etc. All while saving money to 1. purchase a reliable car with cash, and then 2. find an apartment that he can afford.
I know it seems counter productive - but I really must do this for him. So often he has been treated badly - granted much of it his own doing, but also much of it NOT. I really truly believe that the real problem he has is his own inability to respect himself. His self loathing and hatred is off the charts. If I force him out in December, that would only put him in a situation of having to rely on others again, and put him in a place where he moves backwards instead of forwards. It would reinforce to him all the negative in his life. I love him enough to give him this chance. I love him enough to put his need to find faith in himself for the first time over my wants to end the chaos. To be truthful, acting against what my heart was telling me was causing me more chaos than was bearable.
This doesnt change the fact that I believe 100% he needs to leave our home. I do believe that. And I will do what I can to make that happen so that he can be successfull. If he is, and he finds out what I already know - that he IS capable, and IS worth self resepct and self care - then he will be able to find the strength to move forward and start defeating the monsters in his way. All this time - I thought he already had that self confidence - but it was all BS. He really is nervous about this, as he has never done it. What seems to basic to you and I - seems like a huge challenge for him. I know he needs to do this for himself. He needs to prove himself TO himself.
I dont know what will come of it- I hope that it will trigger a fire inside of him that helps him overcome all that has kept him down. I dont know if it will mean we could end up together in the end. I know that its hard to imagine my life with out him (I know we all say that). I know that for the first time I understand the concept of letting go in love. Detaching myself in love. I hope that he can learn these things that most of us learned long ago and it teaches him that he CAN accomplish things. I hope that it gives him the courage to come back to me from a position of strength and confidence. He may never come back to me at all - I know that. But I know that as for my part - I gave my all. I acted from a place of love. I have set my boundries, and will stick to them - but done so in a way that will not harm.
I am sure over the next few months there will be lots of ups and downs and lots of "WHAT WAS I THINKING" and many "I told you so's" :-). I am bracing for it. But I know that no matter what, I will look back on this time as a point where I chose love, no matter the risk, no matter the outcome. I have zero expectations (other than our specifically agreed upon boundries), and I have alot of energy that i can refocus back onto myself (with out the negativity that I have been living in). I will be taking this opportunity to work on my OWN healing, manage my own issues. Its funny to be so inspired by doing something I was so logically against - but its totally how I feel right now. Peace. Total, peace. What ever comes - comes. As long as my boundries are not crossed (if they are, things will change swiftly and there will be NO going back to this place we are at now), and as long as we both feel we are in a good place I think this is doable.
I have to believe that the changes he made recently are part of this. Its like something woke up inside of him and told him he had to get a grip on his own life or he would NEVER find internal peace. He has suffered greatly in life, and I dont want to add to that, I want to give him my hand and help him out. It is up to him to take that help and do good by it.
I love him with my whole heart. I want him to become the best him he can be. To me - he is worth it. I want him to stand on his own and prove to himself he is worth it. I want him to look at himself in the mirror and be the man who he is inside, and see himself as *I* see him.
What are the boundaries?
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
What are the boundaries?
Boundries relating to him are
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Boundries relating to him are the same as before, full transparency, continuing to keep up his contribution to the home by doing the work around the house (which is hard because of his schedule), he is to treat me with kindness and consideration, and to work on his emotional freezing during hard times. No more lies.
My boundries for me are the same as they have been for the past 5 months. My energy is MINE. I am going to step up my exercising, step up my diet habits, keep making an effort to see my friends and spend time outside the home. I am still working on my plans in my hobby, and planning on eventing trips (medieval camping) WITH OUT him.
While there is a vague end point, there are specific goals he will be meeting during this time. And there will be constant evaluation on both our parts to make sure things are still working. If at any time either of us feel like its not going to work and things are becoming harmfull, he will have to leave. I hope it doesnt come to that. I really do want him to step it up. Over the next few months I will work with him on how to manage money, how to create and stick to budgets - a little at a time. He is someone who NEVER had a chance growing up. Every shot he had at being able to grow and mature emotionally was stolen from him by his abusers. And the coping mechanism he utilized to survive has crippled him. I cannot ignore those (and several other) issues he faces. If he was someone with out this specific background who just had issues with ADHD- I would not even hesitate to be done with him. But its not the case. So, I am choosing to act out of love for the man he truly is inside. And I hope that he makes it and finds that self respect he so desperately needs.
There is no gurantee. There is no gurantee that he will stick to the boundries and do his part. And even when all is said and done, once he leaves - he has to do it on his own. He will have to choose between sinking into his past of video game addiction and wasting his life, or he can choose to commit to bettering himself by learning how to manage his money, learning how to put some aside for emergencies, and how to function as an adult. If he is going to be successful - he will need to avoid the traps of his previous life, even though I am sure it will be so tempting especially when he is all alone with no one there to talk to. But he has to figure that out on his own. If he sinks - he will sink, and it wont be because I pulled the rug out from underneath him - it will be because he is unable to find dicipline and self control required to be a successful grown person in this world.
What I hope is that he learns over the next few months how to treat me, and treat others and most importantly how to treat himself. I hope that when he leaves and gets into his own apartment, he learns that his time is not replaceable and that he chooses to spend it bettering himself, taking classes, volunteering with the foster kids (he did this before and LOVED it - he should really think about going into social work seriously) . I hope he finds self worth, and realizes that sinking into WoW or any other game is never going to get him to a better place and will only end up sinking him more. I hope that he gains enough self respect that he learns that he is worth fighting for and starts his journey in healing his past. And in the end - I hope that we find our way back to eachother.
The key is - its 100% on him, his choice, his ways....
And when he leaves, we will see where things are. And when we divorce, we will see where things are. Time will tell if he has what it takes. I believe he does - but he has to learn to believe too.
Stacey....
Submitted by c ur self on
( though I have often wondered HOW you manage!)
When I sin, he calls me to repentance, when I fall down, he picks me up, when I cry out, he comforts me....that is how I manage...I am proud of you, always choose Love, If we do that, we want be the one's with the regrets...
My thoughts about many marriages I read or hear about...Some, probably shouldn't have ever happened, (nothing more than independent roommates). Some should probably end because of infidelity. Some should probably separate for other reasons to see if they can find healing, for things like abuse, fighting, or no commitment....
Most of us though have a real chance to over come our circumstances and our differences, if both choose Love....
C