Forum topic: Today's ADHD moment is brought to by-Me, My, Our and We

Sun Jun 16th, 2013 - 1:54pm by esmeralda

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD
DH with undiagnosed ADHD has a bad habit of listening to everything I say to people, especially on the phone when all he can hear is me not the other person and then he tries to have a dissertation over the exact words that I use. He gets very upset of I use the word me or my when we talk about things like the house, the car, the business etc. Half the time, I am not even awake or paying attention. Like if the other person asks me "How do you drive to work." I might say a variety of things. "I drive my car." or I drive the car" or "I drive our car" DH has no idea what we are talking about but feels that I am rude if I don't always say our or we. If the person had asked. "How do you and your husband drive to work." I would said "We drive our car" (we work together) but if the person asks me a YOU question singular, then I am bound to answer in the singular first person me or my. That is how conversation works. I mean do I have to mind my P and q's every single waking moment? WHO CARES. He wants to be able to tell me every time something bothers him that I say or do , because according to him that is a good marriage. Um, no. Having a filter and knowing when to pick your battles is having a good marriage. I can't even be in the doorway of a room when he is talking on the phone because I am "distracting" but he CONSTANTLY eavesdrops on my conversations and then wants to pick a fight about it. Drives me nuts. If I was tell him every single time that I am bothered by him telling lies and jokes at my expense, we would be fighting all of the time. So this escalated into DH claiming that I tell my family that he doesn't work, which is a lie because he WORKS all of the time. Then how well even if you don't tell them that, that is what the think, which they don't. How does he know what they think? They have never spoken to him about it. They know we run our own business which is a ton of work and both work really hard. They know that. So then it goes into well then your family thinks you do all of the work and I just sit there. Really? Where did he get that? Oh my!

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QD-PRN's picture

Submitted by QD-PRN on Sun Jun 16th, 2013 - 3:09pm

I have a mild case of ADHD and I use "we" a lot in my current relationship, it’s how I am. My first wife said that I use “we” too often I support myself and my kids. My girlfriend and her children live with me. It is not perfect, but we work around my ADHD. I love to cook and do house work, but on my terms. I prefer to do several little loads of laundry than one or three huge loads. This drove my first wife nuts; I was wasting water and energy. I never use ME or I that much, unless when spoken to in first person singular. I told my girlfriend that if she allowed me to do the house chores the way I like to do them, I would do them consistently, and I do. She is a special ED. teacher and knows ADHD very well, and I have patients with ADHD. I hate clutter and disorganization. Her SUV is sometimes a mess and I told her that I would not drive it to take our kids to birthday parties unless it's clean. Most women would just simply ask their husbands and if they are attentive, they will comply. I will but only under the right conditions. My girlfriend wanted me to drive our five kids to a few birthday parties one Saturday a while back because she wanted some time to herself, self-imposed “Me Time” She didn't ask me directly, but said that it would mean a lot to her if I would clean out her car and she would make it worth my while, and not always in the physical sense. I really cleaned her car and then she cooked me my favorite dinner and gave me a kiss when I was done, and told me how appreciative she was. That was on a Friday evening. That night, we watched a movie she wanted to see, a real “tear jerker” or “chick flick”. She asked how I liked the movie, and I said it was ok but sharing this time with her was precious, and it always is. Somewhere between dinner and all the kids in bed sleeping, she asked if I would take the kids to their respective birthday parties on Saturday, I complied with a smile and gave her a kiss. Every relationship needs honest and open communication and even more so when one or both adults has ADHD. I told her that I feel like one of her children no matter how helpful I think I may be. She told me she does not feel like my mother, but an equal in our relationship. I would give anything to feel that way just for one second..