We used to be okay with minor issues, things bothered me but not to this extent.     He used to run every morning, he had structure.  Bedtime together used to be reasonable 9:30ish pm. He'd always text what are you thinking for dinner. He'd be supportive when I had some rough days at work. Can we ever get back there? 

 But life happened- family deaths, employment changes, covid, surgeries, new puppy and now things are exponentially out of control with a diagnosis of ADHD and OCD very apparent 

His time away from home is too much for me

1) his primary job 10-6

2) his sports arbitrage hyperfixation NIGHTS & WEEKENDS- it's a side hustle for him and he's starting a business out of it for tax purposes. 

He doesn't exercise like he used to everyday, in fact he doesn't exercise at all and he only eats at midnight now!  Doesn't come to bed till 2am. The structure of running every morning and consistent bedtime were a form of medication for him. I'm sure it helped in regulating his neurotransmitters. His happy go lucky demeanor has turned to irritableness in the presence of stimulants.    I think the OCD is worse on Vyvanse. 

 He doesn't get it.  

 He's always gone.  

There's no connection, no intimacy and worst of all doesn't even realize this is how I feel despite going to couples therapy!!!!

I don't know why but I do think he will understand eventually. It's like seeing some glimmer of sunshine on an overcast day.  Sometimes I think maybe he understands, but then he gets lost in his thoughts. 

 He thinks surface stuff and I subconsciously learned to mostly hide my loneliness, unhappiness bc he will just get into a bad mood/ take it the wrong way / blame me / get defensive.  It's just easier to "act" fine. I work on giving lots of praise/  positive reinforcement for the effort I do see when it happens, but I don't know if it does anything. 

I understand I cannot go on like this, the question is how long do I wait? I think the problem for a lot of us is that we notice some change for some time but it doesn't stay.  We get hopefull- the uphill of the rollercoaster and then something happens or it gradually goes back to before the change- the drop of the rollercoaster.  It's a cycle of hope and then let down. A person can only take so much.  The problem is having so much invested and telling yourself you love this person and looking back and they are so much a part of your life and identity.    But that is not enough, we need trust and security, the basics needs are not being met.   That book by Matt Fray is right about basic needs consistently not being met. He makes good points.  

Denial

I think the same about what I read from OffTheRoller if I left him he'd fall into the abyss, he wouldn't be able to breathe, he'd suffer immensely. I think he'd go into a deep depression even become catatonic.  For real, I do think this.  He'd have to move on some how some way.    I also know he'd blame me for ruining his life- everything would be my fault- I'd be the bad guy.....So there is guilt but I know I need to put myself first.   I'm planning to get my own financial advisor and begin seeing my own therapist in a couple weeks. I plan to get and read Boundary Boss suggested by Orlov-.  The question is- how long do I go on, will therapy help us- do I give it a year- reassess next November? Be ready to separate if it comes to no change, not enough change? I can't live my life how I am living it, forever.  

I'm going to bring this up in therapy:

I feel like the sports arbitrage is more important to him than I am, but If he had to choose- he would of course choose me but it would come at a cost.  He'd become extremely resentful.  Things would be worse.  He'd hate me.  

I think about the wives that take action and separate or file for divorce.  What makes them come to that decision and be so sure.  I am a little envious I think.  

Values

Has anyone else done the values cards? I've done them- the top 3 things for me that reapeatedly show up are: HEALTH. HONESTY.  STRUCTURE.  These are always on my mind every day.  

I am really struggling with these and how these show up in my life.  His poorly managed ocd adhd very much gets in the way.   

I'm just curious how others feel about values.  Do you know what you value?  Any insight on your relationships and values.  How you live in alignment with them..... or not? And what, or how things get in the way.  

I deep down do not want a divorce

 But I can also say I do deep down want to be free 

But, I think I would be happy if things could be like they were before, with some structure.  When he worked out every day, slept and ate at normal hours.  And I felt like his priority. We were a team. I once had it, can I get it again? 

Thanks for listening, I feel like I've been rambling.