We used to be okay with minor issues, things bothered me but not to this extent. He used to run every morning, he had structure. Bedtime together used to be reasonable 9:30ish pm. He'd always text what are you thinking for dinner. He'd be supportive when I had some rough days at work. Can we ever get back there?
But life happened- family deaths, employment changes, covid, surgeries, new puppy and now things are exponentially out of control with a diagnosis of ADHD and OCD very apparent
His time away from home is too much for me
1) his primary job 10-6
2) his sports arbitrage hyperfixation NIGHTS & WEEKENDS- it's a side hustle for him and he's starting a business out of it for tax purposes.
He doesn't exercise like he used to everyday, in fact he doesn't exercise at all and he only eats at midnight now! Doesn't come to bed till 2am. The structure of running every morning and consistent bedtime were a form of medication for him. I'm sure it helped in regulating his neurotransmitters. His happy go lucky demeanor has turned to irritableness in the presence of stimulants. I think the OCD is worse on Vyvanse.
He doesn't get it.
He's always gone.
There's no connection, no intimacy and worst of all doesn't even realize this is how I feel despite going to couples therapy!!!!
I don't know why but I do think he will understand eventually. It's like seeing some glimmer of sunshine on an overcast day. Sometimes I think maybe he understands, but then he gets lost in his thoughts.
He thinks surface stuff and I subconsciously learned to mostly hide my loneliness, unhappiness bc he will just get into a bad mood/ take it the wrong way / blame me / get defensive. It's just easier to "act" fine. I work on giving lots of praise/ positive reinforcement for the effort I do see when it happens, but I don't know if it does anything.
I understand I cannot go on like this, the question is how long do I wait? I think the problem for a lot of us is that we notice some change for some time but it doesn't stay. We get hopefull- the uphill of the rollercoaster and then something happens or it gradually goes back to before the change- the drop of the rollercoaster. It's a cycle of hope and then let down. A person can only take so much. The problem is having so much invested and telling yourself you love this person and looking back and they are so much a part of your life and identity. But that is not enough, we need trust and security, the basics needs are not being met. That book by Matt Fray is right about basic needs consistently not being met. He makes good points.
Denial
I think the same about what I read from OffTheRoller if I left him he'd fall into the abyss, he wouldn't be able to breathe, he'd suffer immensely. I think he'd go into a deep depression even become catatonic. For real, I do think this. He'd have to move on some how some way. I also know he'd blame me for ruining his life- everything would be my fault- I'd be the bad guy.....So there is guilt but I know I need to put myself first. I'm planning to get my own financial advisor and begin seeing my own therapist in a couple weeks. I plan to get and read Boundary Boss suggested by Orlov-. The question is- how long do I go on, will therapy help us- do I give it a year- reassess next November? Be ready to separate if it comes to no change, not enough change? I can't live my life how I am living it, forever.
I'm going to bring this up in therapy:
I feel like the sports arbitrage is more important to him than I am, but If he had to choose- he would of course choose me but it would come at a cost. He'd become extremely resentful. Things would be worse. He'd hate me.
I think about the wives that take action and separate or file for divorce. What makes them come to that decision and be so sure. I am a little envious I think.
Values
Has anyone else done the values cards? I've done them- the top 3 things for me that reapeatedly show up are: HEALTH. HONESTY. STRUCTURE. These are always on my mind every day.
I am really struggling with these and how these show up in my life. His poorly managed ocd adhd very much gets in the way.
I'm just curious how others feel about values. Do you know what you value? Any insight on your relationships and values. How you live in alignment with them..... or not? And what, or how things get in the way.
I deep down do not want a divorce
But I can also say I do deep down want to be free
But, I think I would be happy if things could be like they were before, with some structure. When he worked out every day, slept and ate at normal hours. And I felt like his priority. We were a team. I once had it, can I get it again?
Thanks for listening, I feel like I've been rambling.
Thank you for writing
Submitted by Swedish coast on
You describe so heartbreakingly how the connection is strong to your loved one and still he makes you suffer while you praise him. This doesn't align with your values. I get that completely.
About feeling responsible for him if you leave - it's also possible he'll do better without you. A painful realization I had after divorce. My ex husband, whom I was afraid to leave since he suffered several comorbidities to ADHD, apparently was much happier without my non-ADHD expectations (I wasn't as discreet about my feelings as you seem to be) and my non-ADHD ways of doing things. He also said at the time of divorce he'd wanted it much earlier - which was quite insulting since I'd more or less broken my back to relieve him financially and otherwise the last five years of the deteriorating marriage.
ADHD efffects on marriage seem to often worsen with time, this I've experienced first hand.
I don't think it's necessarily better for you to hide your emotions and needs. If it's as you say and he doesn't realize your distress, at least by being transparent you give him every chance to be aware of what's happening to you.
As is often said on this forum, it's impossible to change your spouse or make them realize or prioritize things. For a non spouse of a person with ADHD who doesn't realize the impact of their symptoms on the relationship and makes no consistent changes to their behavior, there are in my opinion two options. Either you decide to bear with the ADHD symptoms, or you get out. This decision is the hardest I've ever made and even though it was right to leave, I'm still periodically a mess a year after.
It takes two
Submitted by adhd32 on
You cannot fix this alone. You likely cannot fix this at all since you control only yourself. No amount of pleading or appointment setting will help if he isn't participating. The problem is you are no longer the hyperfocus of his attention. Do not feel sorry for him if you were to leave, he would survive. YOU are not responsible for how he handles his mental health. You seem to think he won't survive without you but he already is surviving alone since he has shut you out by being unavailable. If he threatens self harm bc you are ending the relationship call 911 and his family. Do not allow him to manipulate you. Stop looking backwards at what was, that time is past and will not return.
Take a few weeks of detachment and just objectively observe who he really is. Don't comment or remind him. Go about your routine. Can you live with the real person you are now seeing? Forever? Once you internalize that you cannot control his behavior and he is living his life the way he wants it, you will be able to see your clear path forward.
Thank you
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Thank you for writing this. I'm in a dark place at the moment - thr hopelessness part of thr dark space to be exact.and I appreciate your vulnerability and your thoughts. It's so so tough, isn't it??