I have been watching YouTube sessions with PhD. Russell Barkely. I am saddened by the lack of knowledge we had in our family and in our culture about ADD. How impatient I had been all these years not realizing there was something different in my dh's and maybe my son's brains. I wrote in my journal 15 years ago that everyone stopped talking in our home. I remember being saddened and also upset that no one talked or shared. I didn't know what was going on. I didn't understand why we could not talk about goals, decisions, agreements. It seemed to be a family that refused to connect or plan or cooperate. Or to work on solutions to challenges or problems. There was no leader and when I tried to lead, I was met with resentment or name calling. Everyone doing their own thing. It felt like it was manipulative and mean-spirited to keep to themselves and not share their thoughts, feelings and lives with me. It seemed there was no cooperation. I didn't know. I didn't understand. There is so much learning to do. Even though, it has been lonely and frustrating to all of us.
Trying to learn more
Submitted by jennalemon on 02/11/2014.
Learning and seeking
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
I see and learn and understand. I read articles, see videos, see article titles that grab my interest on the cover of CHADD magazine . . . but they all do ME no good. No matter how well it explains what is going on in the home, no matter how well Melissa Orlov describes what happens to a marriage with undiagnosed or under-addressed ADHD, when the man I so desperately want to understand and see, just will not. . . . . . . . it is so damn hard. . . . . . . I can not have lied to myself all these years. I can not have been that blind all these years. This cannot be the end of the line. I do not want it to be the end of the line.
My husband's interest in
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My husband's interest in reading, learning, and understanding about ADHD ended at the same point that his realization began that to live successfully with ADHD, he had to do things in addition to taking pills and feeling like a victim.
Clarification
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
So you are saying he chooses to stay as a victim?
It is so odd what my spouse hears and what he doesn't. He takes Adderall, and fish oil, and CoQ-10, and flax seed, and vitamin D, etc. I am happy that those things add to his healthy well being. I have my own spin on the Adderall -I will focus on the positive - it does help him - when he forgets it - it is really bad.
He has high blood pressure. Vyvanse was a miracle med for him - but it shot his blood pressure up really high. It was suggested to him that if he got his blood pressure under control with diet and weight loss, he could possibly get back on Vyvanse. He has not attempted that yet.
He does get so-o-o frustrated that all these diet supplements are not making him "better." He did not understand the behavior changes have to go along with them. He seems stuck in the ideal that these supplements will bring about the behavior changes.
Yes. Because in his
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Yes. Because in his universe, as long as ADHD and other problems are things that are being done to him by outside forces, he has no responsibility or power to respond or change. And he has no interest in responses or changes that require more than swallowing a pill.
And it is..
Submitted by sunlight on
"as long as ADHD [and other problems] are things that are being done to him by outside forces"
ADHD IS being "done to" him by an outside force. He has been physically constructed to behave and think as he does. He has to learn to negotiate life in an alien world. He can never "be" part of the world where the non-s live. A non-ADHD person is a black box to him - all he can do is try to figure out which inputs going into the box seem to lead to which outputs coming out of the box and see if he can eventually mimic the box acceptably enough such that the black box (non-ADHD person) seems to be "happy" or at least not complaining, screaming or nagging.
"he has no interest in responses or changes that require more than swallowing a pill"
You are defining "interest" in the non-ADHD sense. I have no confidence that is a valid thing to do.
"all he can do is try to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"all he can do is try to figure out which inputs going into the box seem to lead to which outputs coming out of the box and see if he can eventually mimic the box acceptably enough such that the black box (non-ADHD person) seems to be "happy" or at least not complaining, screaming or nagging."
And all I can do is try to figure out what to do so as to stop or separate myself from his abusive behavior. That's why I'm ending our marriage.
You might be right about "interest." I'll just say that he has not made any changes except to increase the number and variety of medications he ingests.
I was disappointed
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
In one of Melissa's blogs, she said: "After a while, you may see patterns that will help you convince your partner that his or her behavior is more difficult than they originally thought."
I wonder how this approach has worked for anyone here on the forum?
I can't speak for anyone
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I can't speak for anyone else. But I can say that in my household, that approach is usually greeted with "why are you always bringing up things that happened in the past?" So, no, it has not made a difference in my relationship.
Ditto
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Same here. If I kept track for a while, I would be "keeping tabs on him." If I don't, of course he will want specific days and dates.
Wow. Disheartening as each day passes.
Yep. He felt like a "check
Submitted by HurtButHopeful on
Yep. He felt like a "check list" and ALWAYS asked me why I couldn't just "let it go".
Ummm...maybe because nothing was addressed when I brought said topic up in the first place?!!
I love this! Never read such
Submitted by smilingagain on
I love this! Never read such an apt description- trying to mimic the appropriate response to fit in and not make waves...
Do you have ADHD? I thought it was your husband.... In any event- that was really accurate for me.
In my case- I don't have major impairments with chores, work, planning ahead, processing information, keeping track of my things and being on time. My main symptoms, and they have been devastating to me in the past include poor emotional regulation, hyperactivity and impulsivity... Combine those and you can imagine why I might not always fit in. I learned "mirroring", where I try to reflect back the general tone and tenor of the person I am speaking to. I have also learned to focus hard on making sure the conversation is 2-sided and that I listen to the other person.
To the point made by rosered- I agree with you that adhd is not a blanket excuse to do... absolutely nothing. The fact that he has an impairing neurological condition was "done to him", sure... but how he's handling it- or rather, not handling it- that's on him.
I am sorry that your husband has been so unresponsive, rosered. That sucks. :(
Well said smilingagain..
Submitted by LoriP on
I am new to this forum but oh my it is helpful and almost consoling to hear others saying the same things that I am. I can completely relate to your post. "My main symptoms, and they have been devastating to me in the past include poor emotional regulation, hyperactivity and impulsivity... Combine those and you can imagine why I might not always fit in. I learned "mirroring", where I try to reflect back the general tone and tenor of the person I am speaking to. I have also learned to focus hard on making sure the conversation is 2-sided and that I listen to the other person."
Thank you, it is good not to feel alone with this.
LP
Hi smilingagain and LoriP
Submitted by sunlight on
No, I don't have ADHD, he does. The blackbox is something I've observed and gleaned from close questioning (he might say interrogation :) )
He would agree that he also has learned the "mirroring" that you and Lori describe.
I'm glad that you and LoriP post here, you offer great insight.
Thanks! I have an interesting
Submitted by smilingagain on
Thanks!
I have an interesting situation in that both my husband and myself have it (expressed very differently!) and currently, because my symptoms are much better managed, I have taken the 'non-adhd' role in our relationship. It was not always that way. When we were first together, I was a mess and my husband was doing pretty well... I have journal entries from 2002 where I beat myself up over my outbursts and talk about how my husband has accused me of 'coasting' and letting him do everything... Reading it over made me laugh- because I do absolutely everything now and he can't even pick his dirty clothes off the floor and lob them into the hamper. It has reversed over the past 10 years...
Anyway- because I know so much about ADHD and have personal experience with how devastating it can be and how out of control it can feel- I am able to be very patient and forgiving with my husband as he works his way through this process. The key to me is that there is effort there and that the general trend is good. I love my husband and he is struggling and hurting. He needs me right now (even though his behaviour sometimes doesn't show that)...
I find this site useful to give some clarity on both sides of the spectrum. I find some of the blanket generalizations upsetting. Because this is a spectrum disorder! the severity and level of impairment can vary greatly and it looks different on every one! Sometimes my back gets up when someone writes off all ADHD people by saying something like- "why would you even want to get married, knowing you will always be the worst partner and create chaos" "why procreate when you are an unreliable shitty person with bad genes?" That kind of thing pisses me off. ADHD is one thing about me, out of thousands of things... There are lots of people on here is bad marriages that are looking for a REASON- but honestly- ADHD is often only a part of the explanation. Rant done.
Thanks again sunlight! I like your posts as well!
:)
You said what I wanted to say!
Submitted by mghelp on
I'm also a wife with ADHD - my husband is non-ADHD. I got on this site to try and find HELP with our problems, and found out quickly that I have to cipher through some posts because, as you said "There are lots of people on here is bad marriages that are looking for a REASON- but honestly- ADHD is often only a part of the explanation". And oh how some of that stuff HURTS to hear! But I needed to hear some of it too.
You also said that "I am able to be very patient and forgiving with my husband as he works his way through this process. The key to me is that there is effort there and that the general trend is good." This is what I so wish I could make my husband understand. I told him that I was trying to understand how frustrating this was for him, and found this site, and that I was so sorry. He got angry with me by saying "I've told you all this before". He was so mad. I just can't keep beating myself up and taking ALL the blame though. It's been tough trying to get him to understand that I'm not doing these things on purpose, and that it's just how my brain works. It's not for lack of trying to change. Actually all the trying has pushed my outgoing, loving, confident self into a hole that I can't seem to come out of because I can never do ANYTHING right according to him.
Anyways, thanks for your post.
I dreamed of the day that hasn't arrived. . . . . .
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
"I am able to be very patient and forgiving with my husband as he works his way through this process. The key to me is that there is effort there and that the general trend is good. I love my husband and he is struggling and hurting."
And there's the rub. My husband is struggling. . . .and hurting. . . . .and spiraling down into a deep depression. Extremely hard to watch.
The denial is so strong, I don't know what it will take to blast him out if it. . . . . to a person with time blindness, he cannot see the long hard struggle of being patient for over 3 years. I cannot get him to do it for me, nor our children, nor anyone. I know that he has to decide he wants it for him self. I just cannot sit by and watch and be a silent participant in this sadness. . . . . I have 3 years of eyes-wide-open understanding of what our behaviors have done to each other.
How very odd, that it only took him 2 years of dating to realize he wanted to marry me. . . . . . . . . . .
Nothing will change the story of our romance, and the early years. They are a treasure. What has happened - in the only way I can figure to explain it to anyone who is not living here - I have continued to try to grow and change and mature. He has to some degree, gotten stuck back in the 1980s.