Submitted by Swedish coast on 11/20/2024.
Have been wrecking my mind to understand why my ADD ex partner was so unkind in the end. All the terrible things he said and later confirmed. The best explanation for most of his behavior has been that he was trying to avoid fear and shame. With this unkindness, I struggle to make that connection. It was so destructive and hurtful. But what did he gain from it?
Was he trying to destroy everything completely so there would be no way back for us? Did he want to destroy me? Was it revenge for feeling intimidated by my over functioning?
Is this what people do when they divorce?
It's a year ago but people, I'm still heartbroken.
I appreciate you being on
Submitted by AG on
I appreciate you being on here and sharing your perspective, Swedish. And also thank you for commenting on my post.
I would guess that your ex was acting unkind and hurtful because of his own suffering and inability to process his emotions in a healthy way.
"If he's hurting so should you"
My SO just called and asked if I would like him to come home first after work or go to the (hyperfixation) casino first for arbitrage betting. Either way he's going to the casino.....so I said I'd like to see you before I go to bed so I come home first then go back out. I recognized and thanked him for considering me in making that decision, and that it means a lot for me to feel important. IDK it's one day at a time, one conversation at a time. He also did surprise me with some flowers on my car the other day when I got out of work. I know he's trying on his end and I'm trying with the positive reinforcement on my end.
That's also what makes me want to stay- sometimes I feel like we both are trying.
....And sometimes it's just so hard
Thank you
Submitted by Swedish coast on
The possible reason you give for the unkindness is probably it. I should maybe just let go of reliving the painful days of divorce. It's hard to process this though, just as you said. To me, the main goal during divorce was to be fair and kind. I knew we would both have to start new lives, and we were both in bad shape due to his illness and stress already. It was important to me to express my grief over the marriage, that I had tried so hard to save. I told him, even after he said those awful things, how much I'd appreciated him. I can't understand the meanness. The hurting on purpose.
I'm glad your partner showed some consideration for your feelings. He's probably trying. I hope it will be enough for you to have a good life together.