Submitted by pitypotpie on 05/11/2014.
I guess my husband decided to celebrate mothers day in a literal way. Hes been behaving like a cranky, overstimulated 3 year old in desperate need of a nap.
I hate everything about this. I wonder what its like to have a relationship where I could have a day that is about me without having it hijacked by his crappy behavior because the attention isnt on him.
I can't hold it in any longer
Submitted by copingSAH on
I can't hold it in any longer. Today, Mother's Day of all days, he decided it was time to do all the storm windows and rake the gardens. He has done this 3 consecutive Mother's Days or more. I don't know what to say anymore. When I say anything, it gets thrown back in my face that he was making it comfortable and pretty for me. Really? Out of the 90 so days of spring, he chooses Mother's Day to do spring cleaning?? OKAY. Because it's AD/HD, I won't fight him on HIS logic. It's not as if he killed the family rabbit or something... (sigh, just being morbid that things could be worse).
Even my teen has made the observation that "it hurts. every time there is an important event for anyone, dad does something else that takes up the whole day, like he's avoiding us."
DH went off in a huff to pick up dinner. Never mind that I've been dressed all day waiting for him to finish so we can go out and celebrate Mother's Day dinner with the children. Apparently *I'm* the ungrateful bitchy one. I guess Mother's Day this year again is no different than any other day in this lifetime. He doesn't even teach his children to do anything for me, but they know what to do for their father, because I teach them how to.
I am not in a rage but I am disheartened. I just detach from the strangeness of the AD/HD logic and remember ABOVE ALL, I should be able to change my own feelings of quiet desperation and turn it into something good, even if it's for a laugh at the forum.
...............
DH brought back dinner for me.... and NO ONE else!!! How the hell does this even make sense?? I guess it means I'm spending Mother's Day dinner by myself?
....
He took our teen out and getting something else for dinner. I just called. They *might* decide to have dinner out.
LOL.
Clearly a great mother :)
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
I'm sorry that you and your children have suffered as a result of your husband's un/under? treated ADHD. Your teen's comment is especially sad to hear, as a mom. You have clearly been a great Mom, that you have taught your children in spite of the bad habits displayed by your husband. THAT is something to be proud of, as I'm sure you were working very hard to teach this in the presence of a parent who operates in the opposite fashion.
Yeah, ADHD logic can be maddening. I have certainly been guilty of it, but with a son and mom who have ADHD, have also been on the receiving end of it. I'm sure in his mind he was doing something for you, even though his timing is terrible and he has a history of doing this that he doesn't fully grasp.
Thanks ADHDMomof2, I know you
Submitted by copingSAH on
Thanks ADHDMomof2, I know you are very open and generous when you share your experiences and point of view and I just want you to know I'm grateful that you are part of our group. Wishing you a Happy Mother's Day! :)
I'm slowly learning not to become a control freak to overcompensate for the lack of control I feel. I had a dysfunctional upbringing by a cold father and I've lost a lot of my own identity to become hard and controlled. With the AD/HD, it seems to trigger more of the pain. I'm trying to keep a balance between compassion and stoicism? I think there are things one can still be appreciative of, no matter how maddening...
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Submitted by copingSAH on
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Oh my goodness that is
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
Oh my goodness that is bizarre - to bring back dinner just for you. My DH did something equally bizarre. He didn't eat a single meal with the family today! He slept in and I fed our two kids breakfast on my own (a 3 year old and a 8 month old), he decided to saw down branches while we had lunch and he was busy watering the lawn and preparing an elaborate fish dinner for himself for later while we had dinner. He joked this morning that since it is Mother's Day, he was going to let me spend the day with the kids - I didn't think he actually meant it the way he did. I'm not sure this is even ADHD anymore, though he really has issues sitting through family meals, this was not an unusual day by any sense.
Gosh, I get the same logic,
Submitted by copingSAH on
Gosh, I get the same logic, he'll "let" me spend the day with the kids, which means changing diapers and not bothering him. Father's Day, he asks not to be bothered and he sits in front of the TV all day.
With family meals, he eats an hour late, or we have to wait to eat. Whenever the meal is hot and ready, he has to go to the bathroom, take a shower, email, take a run etc., doesn't matter what time meal is served, he has something else to do.
When we go out, I realized I cannot sit facing him, it's got to be beside him with both of us facing out the same way. Otherwise, he's constantly distracted and jabbers on about nonsense and unable to make a choice from the menu. It is also strange when we're at a chain restaurant and he demands service that's more appropriate for a 5-star restaurant... that is really bizarre and perhaps unsophisticated.
I wonder if anyone notices the distraction is worse when they face their AD/HD partners.
My DH is easily distracted,
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
My DH is easily distracted, but I can sit across from him at a restaurant. I do find he prefers restaurants (pubs) that have TVs and if there's no TV, he'll be constantly playing with his cellphone. His conversation though is totally appropriate when he does pull his eyes away from technology, he's always able to choose his meal and his behaviour with the staff is always appropriate as well. This is what I find very hard about the situation - I know he can be great, and knows what he should do, but often chooses lazy, inattentive behaviour when it comes to the kids and myself, particularly at home. I think your husband has more severe ADHD than mine?
I don't mean to hijack your
Submitted by copingSAH on
I don't mean to hijack your thread, sorry, pitypotpie!!
With you on the wondering about a different kind of relationship... I think sometimes it takes up most of my waking/thinking hours... the what if/s -- of an equally stimulating and nurturing relationship that is mutually understood and felt deeply by both partners.
I can't say I know for sure when I see other couples that appear perfect, whether they are completely happy... but I wonder if we even come close to that. I feel strongly the perception by other people (acquaintances, neighbors), is that we appear quite nice and calm and my dh is always happy go lucky but melts down in private.... I know how easy it is to be "perceived" one way when reality is another way.
For instance, when I was on the other side, I used to see one happy partner and one unhappy partner. I used to judge the unhappy partner.... nowadays, there's more to it than meets the eye... sometimes the unhappy partner is the one that's the truthful one about the relationship.