My wife and I haven't been together very long, but the issues associated with her ADHD have affected us in many ways. Lately it has been very bad and her threats to divorce me have increased dramatically. She claims everything is my fault and blames for the marriage failing. I'm far from perfect, but I see so many of our problems stemming from her ADHD.
There is so much wrong it's impossible to describe it briefly so I won't go into detail. I will say that she always puts her needs first and refuses to accept that her attempts to meet those needs have been destructive to our marriage. Her need for short term gain overrides any sense that her actions could spell the end of our relationship.
The struggle lies with trying to talk to her about it. I have to make an appointment to talk to her because there are so many things that would prevent her from discussing anything rationally. I have to tiptoe around her extreme emotional reactions to even the smallest issue, so to avoid this I bottle it up or meekly ask permission to speak with her at some time of her choosing. This does not feel like communication, it feels like control. I am a servant to her emotions.
I relate to some of the other posts I've read and I hope that I can get some insight into what works when dealing with an ADHD spouse. And if it comes down to leaving her, I hope that the others who have taken that path can offer advice.
On the verge of quitting
Submitted by SaintDominic on 03/02/2017.
We're with you Dominic
Submitted by love that girl on
Hello Dominic, I certainly can identify with your expressions of pain. Yes ADHD will affect your lives in many ways. I have been down the same road and it can be very painful. I recently lost the love of my life, though not married, she would never get to a point of focusing long enough to make the commitment, sadly I must say maybe it was a good thing, I don't know. Its been four months and my heart still pangs for her. Your perception is probably right about many of the problems stemming from the ADHD, but not all....some of it is how WE react. Depending on your situation as regards whether you still love her deeply and are willing to work as best as you can from your side and still be satisfied would dictate where you go from here. I was willing to but she was not. Not claiming complete innocence for myself, I did get angry, frustrated and lonely. It was too late for me because I had little idea what I was dealing with and as a matter of fact, her counselor didn't either. My girl too always faulted and blamed me or anyone else, as long as it wasn't her fault. What I am learning is that in addition to ADHD, three teen and adult children with ADHD they also have issues with Emotional Dysfunction which research says is present in 30 to 70% of ADHD'ers. I 've done extensive research as it was prevalent in our relationship. The denial of not only the real effects of ADHD and the DESR pushed me right out the door. Start here and then do your own research: http://www.massgeneral.org/news/pressrelease.aspx?id=1359 . What you are experiencing sounds "normal" in a relationship such as yours and mine. I am saddened myself that ours has ended and my SO has returned to the denial and enabling she grew accustomed to , we could have made it work. Seriously evaluate your relationship, read some more here and at other websites. I don't recommend just turning tail and running (which is the advice I received...and she took it....not me LOL) ....pause, learn, evaluate and decide. There is a lot of excellent information around this website. https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/medications-help-desr-and-emotions . and others. Write more....there is a lot of experience around. I wish you strength, peace and most importantly, love.
Hi SaintDominic...
Submitted by c ur self on
I've lived for almost 9 years w/ a wife that it sounds like you are talking about....I will just offer this as what as helped me...In the early years I was just like you say you are now...Completely shocked, felt unloved, disrespected and used....Giving Giving Giving w/ little to nothing coming back...
Her mind and life style consumed her...and the harder I tried to engage and and point things out, the worse it got....I became the servant, the maid, the go between...I ran behind her trying to ward off the train wrecks....Her life had started consuming me as well as her....
She was offended by my life style of being responsible and I was offended by her life style of chaos....So it was hard to be intimate when there was no acceptance...
So that brings me to this, as what is saving our marriage....You must accept her (that doesn't mean you agree w/ her life style) and stop engaging her about her actions...If you continue to point out things that she can't, want, or don't know how to change...All you are doing is pilling more and more insecurities on her....And when you don't see any results, all that will build inside you is frustration upon frustration....(Now I don't mean sexual sin's or abuse which is deal breakers to me)
You get what u see w/ people...All of us....Now you may say what kind of marriage is that??? If your wife lives in a clinical level adhd mind, and is also in denial of most of her issues like mine...Then it's your marriage!
If you are interested you can click on my screen name c ur self....And read as much or as little of what I have written or replied to for over 3 years....Much of it will probably relate to you and your wife....
I will just tell you...Acceptance of the reality that is front of you, will save your emotions...If you don't set up some boundaries for yourself, and quit focusing on her life, and keep your focus on your own life...It will consume you!....And in a few years you want even know who you are any more....
I pray for you, and your wife....
C
Acceptance of the reality of the situation.
Submitted by jennalemone on
C, this post of yours has said it the best I have heard it. Saving your own emotions so that you don't lose your self. We are offended by each other's life styles. I have been focusing on his life for many of the 40 years of our marriage and it consumed me. With a few people, a marriage is not an "us" proposition. It has to be a him and me situation. Because he just doesn't do "us". He just never really let me "in" no matter what I tried. It is taking a very long time to realize this, accept this and stop trying to make him be a part of my life.
Thanks, C, for being on the site and clarifying, in words, what many of us feel but don't know or don't accept.