There seem to be lots of support groups for couples where one of the members has ADHD. Lots of advice given...I find very little on the situation of both partners having ADHD! I believe this situation poses special challenges, and would love to hear from others who are in the same boat as me. Additionally, ADHD often exists in tandem with other issues (C-PTSD, high functioning Autism, Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder...etc). The challenges are immense. I've managed to hang in there through 30+ years of marriage, but Covid killed my few social outlets. I feel isolated, lonely, unsupported, and like I am loosing myself. Can anyone relate? Does anyone have experiences to share? Are there any success stories out there? I am very happy to meet anyone with similar challenges.
We both have ADHD!
Submitted by Marie Bryant on 01/01/2023.
Hi Marie.....
Submitted by c ur self on
We both have add...But, we aren't anything a like when it comes to the level, and the effects...But, in saying this, it does cause special challenges, especially when it comes to things like emotions, conversation, awareness, agreements, remembering past conversations or actions..etc...I would probably be considered a mild to moderate case of ADHD...My spouse is a clinical level (adderall) who has quiet severe issues in several area's....
New Relationship with both of us Having ADHD
Submitted by J on
Hi Marie,
It's sounds as if you're pretty familiar with many of the possible combinations of issues thar two people with ADHD can bring into a relationship. I took some time off from relationships but met a woman with ADHD who I've connected with that has blossomed into a serious relationship. Serious meaning, we've talked about plans to stay together indefinitely.
It's been a real learning experience to both: be witness to and in a serios relationship with someone else ( knowing they have ADHD ) as well as meeting and being in the same room with her son ( also ADHD ), his wife ( also ADHD ) and her sister ( also ADHD ), and a friend of theirs ( also ADHD ) at the same time!! Lol What an eye opener!
If anything, I've learned just how different we all are from each other even if we share a handful of symptoms that become very apparent without question! I think the biggest differences come with those comorbid secondary issues that you mentioned. In fact, what appears much more obvious to me with my partner between the two of us is her OCD / Anxiety tendencies. Where people with ADHD don't always notice details or things in there environment ( seemingly unaware ....this would include me! ) she will notice the tiniest water drop on the floor, smudge on a counter or specs of lint or things on the floor that I would never see unless it was pointed out. To the point, their presence and mere existence will cause her distress and anxiety. If you can imagine, she keeps a spotless house that is clean, neat and tidy at all times! A real challenge for me but I'm rising to the occasion. The structure and consistency of her housekeeping make it actually easier for me to do and keep up with, if I have someone like this to follow their example. She leads and I follow and I've never been better at taking care of my end with someone like this who's created that kind of structure. I see that as a win/win even if her obsession with it goes farther than what I'd say as average.
It is really nice to live in a clean, tidy and well organized living space though, I must admit. Again, she's not what I'd call stereotypical ADHD being neat, tidy and well organized but her OCD tendencies drive her to be this way. Her drive ( or compulsion? )is what I see the most. And...I also see how she will not do well if things are NOT this way. In other words...it has to be, or she's not okay.
If there was one thing I notice now from being around my partner and these other folks with ADHD is something I learned here on this forum. Paraphrasing: "people with ADHD have difficulty seeing themselves as others see them". I might add....including the impact they have on others especially if it's negative.
I know this, and I think about it all the time. If I don't, I'll start falling back on old habits and forget that I've got to watching myself so I can try and minimize this as much as possible. ADHD is 24/7...so the effort and habits I make have to be to counter this effect.
If I had a wish for my partner...I wish she'd be more aware of the impact she has by realizing she doesn't always see herself ( and her behavior in the moment ) that is sometimes hard to deal with. I see her seeing it after the fact, realizing it ( in a more general way )... but as witness to it myself in real time, I see that's she's simply not aware of herself ( and her mouth ) sometimes, which ends up hurting my feelings on occasion. She can be pretty blunt, direct and inconsiderate ( blurting out ) and she appears to be complete unaware of how that comes across and the negative impact it has.
I get the drill....because I have ADHD myself. Experiencing it first hand for yourself ( and how that feels ) is not necessarily a bad thing. If anything, it shows me exactly where I need to look and watch out for in my own behavior...including the words that come out my mouth!! Lol I have to always remind myself when I'm perturbed with her is that I have ADHD too. She has to deal with me the same as I have to deal with her. At the very least....I understand what I'm seeing and that is truly helpful.
Anyway, for what it's worth....I hope this might provide you with some insight that might help?
J
Same here you are NOT ALONE
Submitted by MotherOfMany on
20+ yrs both ADHD and been through hell and back.
There is so much in info, suggestions, and things to attempt to see what works for u but idk how I could help the way I wish someone had helped us when we were blind sided by literally an over night 360.
We are a couple that has undying love for each other and can't imagine being without each other but, somehow c-ptsd triggered the unimaginable.
I literally was clueless to my husband's suicidal thoughts. Completely miserable inside but showing absolutely NOTHING for the longest time.
In our case YEARS of endless crisis, poor self image and negative thoughts (amongst the endless negative list ADHD causes) threw him into a place that made me literally scared.
I don't want to put too much on here because truly if you add certain ingredients along with higher amounts of what already trying to just skim by mentally and emotionally what you get next is a horrific endless cycle of hell. Absolutely no coping skills, on top of the fact I was blind that his meltdown (lasted YEARS BTW) now caused me to stop and see I was not well myself from trying to cope with his negative behaviors that were absolutely nothing like who I knew literally my whole life and married.
I have spent the last 8 yrs non stop learning whatever possible on top of changing within myself.
You are far from alone. Accept help. Trust me u already reached out for help in this post and u truly should be proud of yourself cuz most see no issue.
So happy to hear from others!
Submitted by Marie Bryant on
I've never come across anyone who "gets it" like you friends here. Thank you for responding!
So yeah, we both, my husband and I, have mouths on us that blurt out impulsive thoughts without filtering. It makes for some awful fights and hurt feelings. I'm currently working really hard on pausing and practicing empathy and active listening, focusing really intently on every word the other person is saying, instead of hearing the first half of the sentence and thinking I have the perfect comment that I just HAVE to say right then!
I do think I have OCD tendencies. I have binders full of recipes, and of self-help articles I've gotten off the internet over the years, and binders with my lists of daily, weekly, monthly, seasonal, and annual chores and tasks. Not that I follow them, but I do reference them as touchstones.
And I am not a spotless housekeeper by any means, but I do pretty much have a place for everything, and I keep a LOT of stuff. When someone asks if I happen to have something, the answer is almost always yes, and I know where to find it. It was a joke when my son-in-law lived with us for a while. He would start a sentence "Do you have..." then pause and say "Oh, of course you do." And I did.
My husband, on the other hand, has C-PTSD, which I discovered on our honeymoon, when he told me things about his childhood that he had never told anyone. Of course 30 years ago it wasn't even a thing. I don't think ADHD was a thing back then, was it? But the experiences he related did explained a lot of his erratic behavior when we first moved in together, and the substance abuse that plagued the early years of marriage.
His suicide ideation showed up early in our marriage too. When that happened, my response was "I will listen to your troubles, but I don't do suicide." And I called a suicide line and handed him the phone. Occasionally that still happens. I make the call even as he is saying he doesn't want to talk to anybody. I hand him the phone, and walk away. If I stay around, I just make it worse. I stay within earshot just long enough to know that a conversation is going on, that he is engaged. Those people that do that are amazing. It's some kind of gift they have.
I got some counseling over the internet a little over a year ago (camera and microphone), and the therapist said, after asking me a whole lot of questions about my childhood and current habits, that I might be on the Autism Spectrum. Among other things, I can't look people in the eyes. It feels intrusive, like I'm violating their personal space. So that might be another reason I have trouble making friends. But anyway, I just want to express my appreciation that you are here, and please do write again.
Marie,
Submitted by MotherOfMany on
Marie,
Reading your message was like looking in the mirror.
My husband and I were like "wow they are almost identical to us".
There are several reasons I do not feel you are autistic. For one you see the issues. I have never seen someone with autism see what you explained in your post.
Although, I am far from an expert I do however have years of experience on different levels of dealing directly with diagnostic testing and you scream ADHD all around.
I want to right more but wicked busy today. I will definitely catch up in the next few days!
Keep your head up and keep on trucking girl!
You got this!
Ability to See the Big Picture
Submitted by Marie Bryant on
Do any of you folks have trouble seeing the big picture, or does getting bogged down in details get in the way? I asked a supervisor once why I was always passed over when I applied for a promotion. He said I was great with details, but had trouble "seeing the big picture".
Caution, the following is super technical. Reading an article recently about how people on the Autism spectrum have difficulty making eye contact (something of interest to me because it's hard for me), I learned something about Neural Coupling, the way brains can sync, or mirror, when two people are in a conversation. Testing using neuro imaging showed that the same neural coupling happens between people when they make eye contact. The part of the brain that lit up during eye contact was the dorsal parietal region. It's the area involved in Neural Coupling, and for people with ASD, that area had less activity with eye contact.
I looked up the dorsal parietal region, and discovered that it is also involved in top-down thinking, the thinking involved in "seeing the big picture". The kind of thinking that I don't get my head around very well. (Bottom-up thinking is a different part of the brain.) And I'm wondering if that part of the brain is also involved somehow with people, or at least with some people, who have symptoms or behaviors associated ADHD.
I definitely have trouble "connecting" with other people. I shrug it off as "they're boring" but the truth is that often what they are saying is just lost on me, while others seem to be in tune with them. That is often true when I'm in a conversation with my husband as well, which can be frustrating for him. I know it's not him, because we can be in a group setting and others are laughing and playing off what he says, and I'm completely lost.
He has ADHD tendencies as well. He has compulsive behaviors and is very disorganized, but in this particular area he is much more functional than I am. And I'm not sure what to do with this information, other than it may help explain why I often feel disconnected from others and lonely even in a group.
Both having ADHD
Submitted by TnA2006 on
I am diagnosed and my husband so far just with anxiety but I'd lay money on him being on the spectrum. In addition, I'm the bizarre ADHD Hyperactive female and he is inattentive ADHD if anything. I crave novelty and need someone to keep up with my non-stop creative brain. I'm bored, lonely, and long ago lost myself as we added 2 ADHD children who need so much from me. I've finally got my husband helping more with the kids ADHD but It is just hard all the way around. I rarely find people talking about both couples on the spectrum and then to find anything about a female hyperactive is just blank stares. I feel for you.