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I don't have any advice but I can relate, much too well, to what is happening in your relationship. I've been married 30 years. My husband, who has said on more than one occasion that our marriage was the best thing that ever happened to him, does not initiate phone calls or emails when he is away from our home, and he moved to his parents' home to become their caregiver more than four years ago. That means that he's almost never here and that I almost never hear from him in a communication that he initiates. And he rarely responds to my emails. It feels like a deliberate attempt to make me disappear from his life. It stinks.
That has to be seriously rough for you. My heart goes out to you for sure. I would be a nervous wreck at all times.
I just sent a text asking if it's over. Told him at this point I'm fine with it, but I would prefer for him to say so instead of having my bf of 3 years just disappear and never speak to me again.
I have a feeling I'm going to be ignored again tonight :/
Although what you described is far more extreme than what I've expereinced for the last 28 years, it has still been tough. At times I have felt "out of sight, out of mind" with my husband. I don't think I exist when he's at work. It has REALLY helped for us to go to a therapist. You just have to find the right one. I've been to several in the last 28 years, on and off; but the one we have now is by far the best. She got us through a really terrible time- in which he had an emotional affair with someone at his work (although it was just the beginning and I'm not convinced it was both ways. It was enough that he felt that way though). It seems to me a lot that he can get hyperfocused on giving attention after a big fight and he tries really hard for a while and then it falls away. I feel ignored and unloved again. I have to remind him about the "articles" I've saved for him on the computer that explains how I'm feeling etc. He gets better with his attention to me after that, but it doesn't last for long.
It's sad to say, but I'm not sure I would have stayed with him if I knew all of this was going to happen. We cannot predict the future, but if you are not married to this person; I really don't think it's going to get better (even with a good therapist). If you want to deal with this for the rest of your relationship with him, then continue. Work at improving the situation for the entire future together. Sorry to sound negative, but there are other people out there that can give you the type of emotional connection and attention that you say you need. I'm just talking from experience. It hasn't always been bad, but I do mourn not having the kind of relationship that I've always wanted and needed. I'm a very loyal person and so I stay- sad and lonely sometimes. I say to myself he's a pretty good person; why am I sad and lonely so much? I don't feel that way when I'm around other people. I've even considered that I've been depressed for 27 years; but that's not likely because I'm fine and happy when I'm not with him. Don't get me wrong. There have been many times that I've felt happy with him and felt loved. But often, I think it's when he's hyperfocused on me. It was like that when we were dating. As soon as we got married, it changed. He was hyperfocused after we almost got divorced 7 years into our marriage, then it felt really good and we started a family. Then all this time, I was able to get my emotional connection with my children. Now that they are growing up and don't need me anymore; I feel that loneliness again. He ended up having an emotional affair (which I think was pretty one-sided on his part); we almost ended our marriage over that. He was hyperfocused immediately after that. I felt SOOOOOO good and important and loved then. I kept thinking to myself that this is the kind of marriage I've always wanted; but it didn't last for long. We're back to how it has been for most of our marriage. Would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is good enough to stay with, but not bad enough to leave? Don't you want to just feel loved and wanted all the time? Sure, all the time will be asking too much. I would be satisfied with even half the time.
I don't have any advice but I
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Wow...
Submitted by Leelee123 on
That has to be seriously rough for you. My heart goes out to you for sure. I would be a nervous wreck at all times.
I just sent a text asking if it's over. Told him at this point I'm fine with it, but I would prefer for him to say so instead of having my bf of 3 years just disappear and never speak to me again.
I have a feeling I'm going to be ignored again tonight :/
Although what you described
Submitted by LostInVA on
Although what you described is far more extreme than what I've expereinced for the last 28 years, it has still been tough. At times I have felt "out of sight, out of mind" with my husband. I don't think I exist when he's at work. It has REALLY helped for us to go to a therapist. You just have to find the right one. I've been to several in the last 28 years, on and off; but the one we have now is by far the best. She got us through a really terrible time- in which he had an emotional affair with someone at his work (although it was just the beginning and I'm not convinced it was both ways. It was enough that he felt that way though). It seems to me a lot that he can get hyperfocused on giving attention after a big fight and he tries really hard for a while and then it falls away. I feel ignored and unloved again. I have to remind him about the "articles" I've saved for him on the computer that explains how I'm feeling etc. He gets better with his attention to me after that, but it doesn't last for long.
It's sad to say, but I'm not sure I would have stayed with him if I knew all of this was going to happen. We cannot predict the future, but if you are not married to this person; I really don't think it's going to get better (even with a good therapist). If you want to deal with this for the rest of your relationship with him, then continue. Work at improving the situation for the entire future together. Sorry to sound negative, but there are other people out there that can give you the type of emotional connection and attention that you say you need. I'm just talking from experience. It hasn't always been bad, but I do mourn not having the kind of relationship that I've always wanted and needed. I'm a very loyal person and so I stay- sad and lonely sometimes. I say to myself he's a pretty good person; why am I sad and lonely so much? I don't feel that way when I'm around other people. I've even considered that I've been depressed for 27 years; but that's not likely because I'm fine and happy when I'm not with him. Don't get me wrong. There have been many times that I've felt happy with him and felt loved. But often, I think it's when he's hyperfocused on me. It was like that when we were dating. As soon as we got married, it changed. He was hyperfocused after we almost got divorced 7 years into our marriage, then it felt really good and we started a family. Then all this time, I was able to get my emotional connection with my children. Now that they are growing up and don't need me anymore; I feel that loneliness again. He ended up having an emotional affair (which I think was pretty one-sided on his part); we almost ended our marriage over that. He was hyperfocused immediately after that. I felt SOOOOOO good and important and loved then. I kept thinking to myself that this is the kind of marriage I've always wanted; but it didn't last for long. We're back to how it has been for most of our marriage. Would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is good enough to stay with, but not bad enough to leave? Don't you want to just feel loved and wanted all the time? Sure, all the time will be asking too much. I would be satisfied with even half the time.