Here's a little background on my situation: married for almost 30 years; I've known of my husband's mental and emotional health issues for many years, although not about ADHD possibility until approximately 5 years ago; husband began withdrawing from family duties approximately 10 to 12 years ago; husband took "temporary" job as his parents' caregiver more than 4 years ago, at which time communication from him nearly ceased because he almost never initiates communication when he's not physically present; I filed for a legal separation in 2013 but decided to not follow through because of issues involving our finances and our children. Most important, I've told my husband more times than I can count about my issues with our relationship.
So, I'm planning to let H know that I plan to file for a divorce later this year and that I'd like him to be thinking about property division. Should I tell him, again, the reasons I'm dissatisfied with the marriage? Is doing so a "good" thing because people with ADHD often forget things; or is doing so a "bad" thing because it will be akin to piling on? Or is it good or bad for reasons other than those I've mentioned?
I welcome any thoughts you'd like to share on this topic.b
Ah, Rosered, we still hope don't we?!
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Rosered,
In reading most of threads from the people who post here, there are several of us who have connected through this forum with amazingly similar situations.
Even though I have mentally decided that my marriage will end with a divorce, or at best a permanent legal separation, I am still sitting with the idea, thinking it through, to make sure I am not acting irrationally. The best and worst thing about posting here has been the 4 years that have gone by me. I want something from my spouse that he is either unwilling or unable to give. I do not want to have to say it is over. I want there to be that "miracle" that sets this marriage into a positive direction.
Regardless of my best intentions, of trying to learn not to mother him and remove myself from a parent-child relationship, I think I have enabled him to remain in the place he was, simply by not having a definite plan, or timeline. I do not take responsibility for who/what he is. I take responsibility in my part of setting poor boundaries in my marriage.
He was sitting pretty for a long time with a timid wife who was 'set in her place' by his anger. I thought my fixing his anger was what I was supposed to do. That backfired on me major big time. The solution for me what to learn how to respond to his anger.
I was willing to continue to look for answers for our relationship issues by finding out what I could do different. What I feel, see, and hear from my spouse is, he is willing to look for answers to our relationship issues by finding out what his wife's problem is, and how to get her off his back.
Have you ever watched the Christmas movie It's a Wonderful Life ? There is a character in that movie, Uncle Billy, who seems to fit the ADHD characteristics. Anyway, he always has strings tied around his fingers to remind him of things. After he missed George and Mary's wedding, Uncle Billy says, "George, was it a nice wedding? Gosh, I wanted to be there." George smiles, taps one of the strings on Uncle Billy's fingers and says with a chuckle, "You can take this one off now."
This little snippet sums up what I had hoped for - not a way to make my spouse be on time, but rather his acceptance of his own time blindness and the affect it had on both of us.
Here are your own bits of wisdom: It seems irrational for me to expect someone who was nearly blind to the effects of his behavior before to suddenly open his eyes, admit his responsibility, and say, "You're right. You want a divorce. I messed up. Let's shake hands and be friends." If he had been willing to do those things before, we wouldn't be where we are now.
That is our harsh reality.
I am really sorry for all of us.
Liz
Rosered...I've read your posts for a long time....
Submitted by c ur self on
I would be shocked if he was surprised...He abandoned you long ago...He knows in his heart when he quit on his family...His helping his parents while admirable is in no way a reason to not honor his vows toward you.