I am at my wits end today, the frustration and anger is sitting in my stomach. We didn't even have a fight, it just that back and forth of toxic crap that I've realised I've had enough. Like, truly. Enough. Behaviour is a language and he clearly doesn't want to be with me or be a family or anything. And im paralysed. Just frozen and not sure what tomorrow should look like. When I wake up do i just say those words? That I've had enough and I don't want to do this anymore?? What has anyone else done? This just feels so weird and doesn't feel like it's coming from a place of fear or sadness. I can feel it in my bones that I've had enough. Something has to change.
And I can't help but have this voice in my head that I'll be on a trip with my son, away from my house and without my spouse for almost 2 weeks just after Xmas. A part of me wants to just lay low, not address it and then have a big explosion when we get back. And im worried if I address it now, it will ruin Xmas and (not that it's been enjoyable for thr last few years) potentially ruin our trip. My spouse is unhinged and chaotic. Its exhasting.
Someone. Anyone... don't tell me what to do but tell me what to do.
I feel for you
Submitted by Swedish coast on
There's no good time for telling quits I think. There's always a holiday or a celebration that needs to be the first after such a decision. Which means whenever you decide, it's time.
My doctor recommended divorce, which was why I decided to take the plunge. It was good to have a professional contact, if only briefly, at that time.
I was advised to not hide the news from children once divorce was decided, but let them know at once.
How to go about a thing like this will be best decided by yourself. My heart is full of compassion for you.
So tough
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
This is so painful it hurts Swedish. I'm exhasted and just sick and tired of being sick and tired...because of him. But im not a victim and I know that. But this is really really hard.
Victims
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I hold no judgment about being a victim, in a way I really think we are victims when we live with a person who cannot consciously choose their way in life but are led by their neurodivergence. It forces us to make decisions in order to avoid disaster instead of building the life we want. It's a major disfigurement of your life and mine and we can't help it.
I agree with Will It Get Better, take precautions. Talk to a lawyer. Brace yourself. Perhaps look for a friend to stay with for a little while if you might need it.
Speak to an attorney to review your options.
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Before anything else, consult with an attorney to review your options and develop a prospective plan. You have to expect the 'notice' will begin an explosive period. Prepare in advance for that possibility.
Have a strategy
Submitted by adhd32 on
Will It Get Better is correct. Plan ahead. Get your ducks in a row. Find out the laws and what you are entitled to. Know what child custody and visitation you want before the big blow up because negotiating will be impossible once you say it out loud. Preparing and educating yourself is your best move. A good offense is the best defense.
What if leaving isn't the answer? I just want change
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Thank you to everyone, it feels so scary and sometimes we have to sit in the scary ans sometimes we have to move. But for me, we haven't been to couselling or ANYTHING. literally. We've done nothing to fill our relationship bank and its about broaching the subject of what to do. Or at least being brave enough to state where I am right now. That's really scary for me.
Does he agree to counselling?
Submitted by Swedish coast on
If you want to work on the marriage and think he will want it too, then maybe counseling is the next step instead?
Divorce is so painful and after it I have grieved so much for not having been able to save the marriage. I did absolutely all I could. I tried everything - counseling both individually and couples, treatment evaluation for my ex, reading books, having endless conversations with him and with my network... I'm glad now that I did all that. I wanted to save the marriage, is was my top priority in life. I wouldn't want to look back with regret.
But sometimes, enough is just enough, and I recall terrible experiences you've described before.
Do you want counseling for just you to start with? Maybe it can help you decide?
Be honest
Submitted by adhd32 on
What is he doing right now to improve your relationship? I went back and read your posts and it seems to be nothing. You cannot fix this by yourself nor can you cause someone else to change...if only he would... You must accept him as he is. It is difficult to leave and upend your world but expecting him to be someone different is unrealistic. He is showing you who he is, believe him.
Enough is Enough
Submitted by J on
Off the Roller,
Everything I've been doing ( here ) lately has been because of that "enough is enough" feeling. And I didn't want to leave either. Just because I have ADHD doesn’t mean I'm not negativity affected by another person who has it too. Maybe worse, IDK?
But my reality is/was the same as yours. I needed to figure out what I could accept and what I couldn't accept in order to be realistic first. Being realistic for me was understanding what I could reasonably expect to change ( or not ) and narrow it down to those things I found completely unacceptable. For me is was a short list:
-belittling ....Completely unacceptable . That included talking down to me from a superior position with a self righteousness attitude. This is, in part, a component of the parent child dynamic. That also included...talking to me as if you like me...not like you hate me ( contempt ). A side to that...talking to me as if I'm stupid. This is more connected to being self righteousness and thinking you're superior....those go hand in hand.
-Irritability and anger. I've finally figured out ( in part ) the difference between men and women with ADHD. My SO....does not do what I read that many men with ADHD do. She doesn't rage and go on tantrums screaming nasty personal things at me. That doesn't mean, she doesn't do the same things for the same reasons in a different way however.
Being impatient, short, demanding ( bossy, ordering me around ) and being self righteous...saying little put down which are personal in nature or pointing out personal flaws that annoy her amd irritate her and being judgmental ( part of that self righteous component ) is a kin to or same as: attacking you in a more subdued way by brow beating, chastising ( verbally beating ) and personally attacking ( making it personal )...over a longer period of time. The only difference is...in a raging tantrum your doing it all at once It's just a slow burn over time, but the effect is still the same.
This is also unacceptable. Especially if your not doing those same things yourself. And I know you can control those things because I learned to control them so I know she can. I use to do them in the past but not anymore. Even if I get angry and overreact...I'm doing it now in a much more productive way. I'm actually "speaking" and "responding" in a ( while amped up ) an intelligent way. It's not irrational, and I can still say what's on my mind and specifically what I'm angry about.
So yes...her irrational anger, kicking the dog behavior ( taking it out on someone else ), Not fighting fairly or better...fighting when it's not even necessary, impatience ( which is a form of anger ) or anger and Irritability in general...equates to me blowing up in a moment all at once....because of that " enough is enough " feeling.
So for me, enough is enough narrows down to:
- systematic belittling ( putting me down, talking down to me, inferring I'm stupid ( speaking from a superior position not as am equal ) with a self righteous attitude ( a Karen ) is all unacceptable behavior that I cannot live with. I expect ( as does anyone else ) a modicum of respect and common decency and courtesy. Asshole or boorish behavior is not allowed!
That and the anger. It doesn't matter male or female versions...it's still the same. This is unacceptable to live with and a reasonable thing to expect to change in my mind.
So when I'd had "enough" and got angry... these are the things I specifically targeted and told her. I kept it short and simple and easy to understand. I didn't have a laundry list of complaints. Just these and nothing else because these were the things that were having the greatest impact to my well being.
And she changed and stopped doing them...literally overnight. How that happened I don't know? All she asked was to not talk about it and far...I've honored her request but saying...she backed that up with action, has been doing it ever since. Speaking to me as an equal and someone she likes is exactly what I asked for, which I already knew she could do...because I've done it myself despite having ADHD. Some things are just learned habits...and you can unlearn them too.
I think the biggest obstacle to get past with her is her self righteousness at times ( thinking she's right ) If you think about it...if you think you're right ( even when you're not ) then that's a hard one to get someone else to see.