Understanding and Isolation
I can deeply relate to the feelings of grief, resentment, anger, sadness, and loneliness described in this support group. This has been my reality for years. It's hard for anyone to truly understand unless they've experienced it firsthand. While I've tried talking to friends and family, they can't relate, and I've learned that venting to them doesn't help. Past therapy for myself has been frustrating, with therapists suggesting the relationship is unhealthy without offering real solutions. This group feels like the only place where I'm truly understood.
The Impact of ADHD
My husband was recently diagnosed with moderate combined ADHD at 44, though we suspected it years ago. We've been together since 2010, and thankfully, we chose not to have children or our relationship would not have lasted. Although he says he recognizes how his ADHD affects our relationship and participates in the self study course I'm not sure that he truly does. Although many ADHD symptoms are present daily, the primary struggle is with hyperfocus and distraction, which manifests in obsessive behaviors like sports betting. [So you may need to google arbitrage sports betting] but this is what his latest hyperfocus has been on. Despite financial stability, he spends countless hours on his phone, laptop, or at casinos. This obsession, fueled by his ADHD, has taken a toll on our relationship. Let me explain here he does not lose money but has found a way to make money through arbitrage bets. He thrives on all aspects of arbitrage betting. He's spoken with tax attorneys negotiated with betting platforms reps. It's like a game for him and he's mastered it. I'm not happy to say he has made thousands of dollars but it's not about the money for me it's about the lack of connection. I feel vulnerable to tell people this in fear they will think, "well...if he's making money you shouldn't be complaining"
The problem is there was and will continue to be this hyperfocus behavior - it's also been present in other forms from early on- video games, stock market trading, specific eating habits and exercise regimes. I just didn't know it had a name.
The Emotional Toll
As Melissa points out I was once his hyperfocus at the beginning but now I often feel like an unwanted obstacle in his life, interrupting his time that he wants to spend arbitraging. While he's a kind and generous person, his constant focus on his obsessions leaves little room for connection. The lack of emotional support and understanding has led to frustration, anger and loneliness on my end.
Seeking Solutions
We're currently undergoing marriage counseling, though it hasn't been particularly helpful, but at least it's time spent together. I'm hoping that Melissa's courses can shed light on effective strategies for managing ADHD and improving our relationship. We are on lesson 7 but we listen at the faster pace and I feel like he just wants to get thru it to "pacify" me. My favorite part is the Q& A from other people. I think it explains and shows him how other couples' problems are exactly like ours.
Hyperfocuses are hard but there's hope!
Submitted by Luvs2Run on
We have a lot of turmoil surrounding "productive" hyper focuses too. The focus changes but the inattention to me and the kids while pursuing a hyper focus is always there. Over the last few years we've been really working on our marriage and slowly very slowly it feels like we're making progress. One thing I've changed is not letting it stop me from living my life and having fun. If my husband is super focused in on something and not wanting to do a family activity on the weekend for instance, I don't spend forever nagging or trying to convince him anymore...I just take my kids and do it without him. After doing that a few time and presenting it in the way of "well I'm doing x on Saturday like we planned" he's realized I really will go without him and remembers that he felt left out last time. I also say that I'm leaving at a specific time and that he's welcome to take a separate car and join us if it looks like he is going to get caught up again and leave me waiting. This has helped in that he often does feel motivated to set aside the hyperfocus knowing he'll have FOMO later AND in the times when he doesn't, I'm not left feeling like I'm stuck waiting around for him or stuck trying to convince him. I also think having a pretty strict weekly schedule as a couple really helps. For instance he knows that we clean the house as a family from 10am-12pm on Saturdays so he is more likely to put down his hyperfocus at that time when I ask him to.
Date nights also really help. I'm hoping we can get more consistent with that, at this point we don't have a set schedule but I've been better about recognizing when my anger is coming from a lack of connection and I'll say "take me to dinner first" sort of jokingly as a way to signal that we need to set aside time together. I've explained it like everyone has a minimum amount of connection they can live with and if that minimum connection is not getting met then our relationship can't continue because it's not safe for me to be sad and distraught and lonely my whole life.
I've also just come to accept that there will always be hyperfocuses, it's who he is and I've found ways that we can "parallel" play. I like to read so when he's doing something on his laptop I'll say ok well I still want to be with you let's snuggle and I'll read while you do that. He likes that and it's become a connection point where if I'm starting to feel unloved I'll say "you need to buy me a new book I'm getting lonely" and then the act of him buying a book for me becomes the point of connection.
It's a balancing act and it can really feel like your life is at the mercy of the tides of their hyperfocuses. I see you, I totally see you. If you're able to find a way to feel in control of your own life it really helps.
This is excellent Luvs2run.
Submitted by J on
I can see multiple things working here that would work perfectly for me.
"he's realized I really will go without him and remembers that he felt left out last time...."
To this day, I remember watching my father driving away down the street leaving me standing in the driveway trying to get to school one day. I never did that again.
"we clean the house as a family from 10am-12pm"
Having one, never changing time to remember on the same day every week is excellent. I can do that. I always mow the lawn at the same time and day every week. I never forget.
Parallel activities are also good. I don't care if I'm in the room not talking, as long as I'm in the room with my SO. Just being there is enough most of the time. We still interact, while we're both looking at books, phones ( social media etc ) while watching a movie at the same time. The pause and fast reverse button gets a workout on the remote because we chat in between. Perfect.
What excellent problem solving!
Submitted by Swedish coast on
It sounds you have really found ways to work around the hyper focus! I smile reading your post. It gives hope!