Understanding and Isolation
I can deeply relate to the feelings of grief, resentment, anger, sadness, and loneliness described in this support group. This has been my reality for years. It's hard for anyone to truly understand unless they've experienced it firsthand. While I've tried talking to friends and family, they can't relate, and I've learned that venting to them doesn't help. Past therapy for myself has been frustrating, with therapists suggesting the relationship is unhealthy without offering real solutions. This group feels like the only place where I'm truly understood.
The Impact of ADHD
My husband was recently diagnosed with moderate combined ADHD at 44, though we suspected it years ago. We've been together since 2010, and thankfully, we chose not to have children or our relationship would not have lasted. Although he says he recognizes how his ADHD affects our relationship and participates in the self study course I'm not sure that he truly does. Probably some denial or an inability to see big picture? Although many ADHD symptoms are present daily, the primary struggle is with hyperfocus and distraction, which manifests in obsessive behaviors like sports betting. [So you may need to google arbitrage sports betting] but this is what his latest hyperfocus has been on. He recently tried comparing it to being an olympic athlete. The time and dedication and joy it brings him. Despite financial stability, he spends countless hours on his phone, laptop, or at casinos. This obsession, fueled by his ADHD, has taken a toll on our relationship. Let me explain here he does not lose money but has found a way to make money through arbitrage bets. He thrives on all aspects of arbitrage betting. He's spoken with tax attorneys negotiated with betting platforms reps. It's like a game for him and he's mastered it. I'm not happy to say he has made thousands of dollars but it's not about the money for me it's about the lack of connection. I feel vulnerable to tell people this in fear they will think, "well...if he's making money you shouldn't be complaining"
The problem is there was and will continue to be this hyperfocus behavior - it's also been present in other forms from early on- video games, stock market trading, specific eating habits and exercise regimes. I just didn't know it had a name.
The Emotional Toll
As Melissa points out I was once his hyperfocus at the beginning but now I often feel like an unwanted obstacle in his life, interrupting his time that he wants to spend arbitraging. While he's a kind and generous person, his constant focus on his obsessions leaves little room for connection. The lack of emotional support and understanding has led to frustration, anger and loneliness on my end.
Seeking Solutions
We're currently undergoing marriage counseling, though it hasn't been particularly helpful, but at least it's time spent together. I'm hoping that Melissa's courses can shed light on effective strategies for managing ADHD and improving our relationship. We are on lesson 7 but we listen at the faster pace and I feel like he just wants to get thru it to "pacify" me. My favorite part is the Q& A from other people. I think it explains and shows him how other couples' problems are exactly like ours.
'm grateful for this community's support and understanding.
Does anyone else experience this kind of hyperfocus with their ADHD spouse as a top symptom?
I've struggled calling this behavior an addiction, an obsession or hyperfocus.
Clarify
Submitted by Andrea George on
My first post here and adding to my post that maybe I'm using an incorrect term saying hyperfocus. Maybe it's hyperfixation. I'm reading that this is NOT considered an ADHD diagnosing trait. My ADHD partner has always expressed he "needs" something to occupy himself with. Reflecting back all 14 years I could probably list between 8-12 things total. I don't know why he feels he needs this. I will say most but not all of these things have been positive. Some of the things are:
Stock market trading, P90x- extreme, learning piano, focusing on a false lab result leading him to believe he had ALS, HIV, his photojournalism work, currently it's arbitrage.
As I'm typing this out I remember he did have a diagnosis of OCD right before we met ( went through a period of germaphobia affecting his work as a news photographer ). However as the relationship went on and I learned about ADHD I realized he had a lot of traits leaning that way . He was officially diagnosed ADHD in May, and he did not believe it until then although I've suspected for 3 years. He's had anxiety / panic attacks over some of the negative hyperfixations.
It seems as though his ADHD overlaps with some OCD and anxiety.
My whole point here is I'm just wondering if anyone can relate to this? He gets lost in these behaviors/ thoughts going from one thing to the next but they last months or years. This impacts our relationship leaving me as the overfunctioner and feeling alone, disconnected.
I cried reading the latest post from exhaustedkitten. I too feel a deep sadness seeing other couples showing affection.
Yes
Submitted by J on
..and double yes. I'm experiencing it, and I have done, and do this myself to answer your question. And absolutely, before I was diagnosed and went on meds....this was the most obvious, easy to see symptom I displayed. No one who knew me, could not see this behavior everywhere I went. I use to joke: I collect hobbies. I have a long list of hobbies or "outside interests" that span decades. While some might really get involved in a single activity: sport, hobby, activity. From the looks of it from the outside for me, it must have looked like my goal was to do them all! I have lots of experience in the "fun" department, especially in the outdoor recreational activities. I never could understand how someone could pick just one because after too long, I'd get bored and move on to another one. Sometimes I'd come back to my favorite ones, and sometimes I'd just get burned out on one and never come back again. My basement looked like an Outdoor Recreational store with all the gear and equipment I owned. I had boats, motorcycles, and cars as well. It was exactly hoarding, because I actually used the stuff. ( needed it to do that activity ) Or....I'd sell the stuff I didn't do anymore and use that money to buy the new hobby equipment.
Yes. Check...All the above.
This was mostly before I was diagnosed in my teens, 20's and 30's. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 45 getting divorced.
"I've struggled calling this behavior an addiction, an obsession or hyperfocus"
Breaking this down. Hyperfocus, if I'm not mistaken, is: the behavior of that person, while doing the activity in question. In the moment or in the "act of".
Is it an obsession? I don't think by definition it's an obsession...but it looks like an obsession from outside. On the inside, the person is doing it for a different reason. You might even say, it looks like a "possession". Like that person is possessed or taken over by something.
Is it an addiction? Not exactly, but kind of. Very similar for the reason why that person is doing it.
People with ADHD lack certain neurotransmitters in an ongoing basis every day. Your body only makes so many per day, when you run out, you have to wait until your body makes more. People with ADHD run out or operate on a low amounts so your body sends a signal that it needs more. ( kind of )
If you look at neurotransmitters as a drug...then the behavior looks like "drug seeking behavior". And doing things like I described give you a boost of dopamine to make up for the difference. To make up for the neurotransmitters that a neurotypical person has naturally. So it's not exactly an addiction if you can see it as...just getting the bare miminum or rather...the normal amount that most humans need to function optimally.
I'm witnessing this with my SO right now. She's a very good painter, and she's taken up a new style of painting which has her full attention. She's bought excess amounts of new paints, equipment, brushes, bottles, frames, canvases, shelves to hold it all in, spatulas, spreaders...the list goes on. Her once, very neat and tidy art room is overflowing with stuff. It's now spread out into the living area and her dining room table has become a work station while she's painting. On the plus side, her neat freak won't let her leave it there, so she always cleans up right away after but....her art room barely has room to move in where before about 9 months ago...it was completely empty. She watches art paintings shows for hours in fact, it's almost the only thing she ever watches anymore.
And me going, " yep, been there, done that" many many times in my life." I know exactly what I'm seeing and why. It probably doesn't bother me as much since I know exactly what I'm seeing...but there are times when I have to say something...and tell her it's getting out of hand. Especially if it starts encroaching on me in some way. She forgot to get me a card for our anniversary because she was so completely absorbed into her painting. I told her, and pointed out why. ( she knew, and didn't say anything when I told her )
I'm an artist too, so I actually enjoy the process and enjoy watching this all come together. I like seeing the end result and for the most part, even like watching the painting shows because I learn things that are interesting to me. I've even tried it too...but she's way too controlling in the case...and tries to take over on my project or give unsolicited advise. If you can imagine, this definitely does not work in a creative outlet especially foe me!
Am I tired of painting shows?
If I never see another painting show it'll be too soon. Lol
But she's enjoying it, and I have the opportunity to do my thing and watch my shows etc. Right now, I'm into college football and my almamater is #1 in the entire nation. ( GO Ducks !! ) I'm totally absorbed into watching and following it until the season ends in another two months. I even went to a Sports bar the other night just to watch the game on a big screen. Why would I feel the need to go do that when we have a huge big screen at hoke? Because my SO was watching painting shows on ours...and painting more paintings! I'm also intentionally giving her more space and this was the perfect opportunity to do just that. I also enjoy watching games with other like minded people. It's noisy and ruckus and they had good bar food which I enjoy ( and lots of beer choices too ).
What's really fascinating to see if myself in the mirror as well. I know exactly: what's she doing, why she's doing it, and when to just leave it be. I don't need to ask, I already know.
Takes one to know one. I've done it, and continue to do it at times, myself. The only difference between us is....I'm fully aware of it...and mostly she's not. That's the biggest issue we have and that does make me frustrated at times.
However, she does listen to me when I say things like: " I know exactly what you're doing, don't tell me different! " There's nothing much she can say to that one.
I'm usually saying that in a light hearted way FYI. It's not really a problem...more of just me, making her aware.
Hyperfixation
Submitted by Andrea George on
Thank you J, for your reply. I wrote a comment to my post earlier but I haven't seen it yet. I was wondering maybe the term that might fit is hyperfixation?
He gets so involved that he doesn't shower or eat meals and it sometimes interferes with his sleep. Lately when we are together he doesn't talk about much else.
It helps to know others live similarly
Mmm....Sounds like it ?
Submitted by J on
I actually had to look it up to make sure I understand the differences. From the description I just read, it's sounds very much like what you're experiencing. I was looking at it from an ADHD perspective trying to answer your question. What I see my SO doing or even me for that matter is exactly the same as hyperfixation as it was described so maybe that is it? It also said that neurotypical people also can do this including people with OCD and other disorders.
For me, I was mostly referring chasing after stimulating things to get dopamine. Hyperfixation sounds more intense...for a longer non stop duration. I do this more at work. I use to call it "laser focus" but in this case....it's not necessarily pleasure seeking or stimulation seeking ...just necessary to complete the job. It's still enjoyable but it's also work.
If I'm riding my motorcycle for long periods of time...I think this also happens. There's danger involved and life and death decision making which puts you into "the zone" which is a combination of fear and excitement...exileration. I completely loose track of time and go can on like this for hours. 100% concentration. The life and death aspect means...you have to be fully engaged and attentive at all times. No drifting off or day dreaming...fully engaged without pause. I always thought that was adrenaline more than just dopamine? Maybe both?
Unawareness
Submitted by Swedish coast on
It's sad that he seems so unaware of how his focus off you undermines your relationship.
The lacking awareness is relatable to me, even though my marriage had other issues than hyper focus.
Please know there is no obligation to endure this if he doesn't realize the impact of his symptoms on you. Good intentions on his part will only go so far if he can't modify behavior.
I hope for the very best for you.