My husband has been withholding sex for several years because he says he no longer is attracted to me due to my forgetfulness and not doing things the way he wants me to. I have forgotten things in his lunch and today I mailed a letter but neglected to send it three day mail like he wanted me to. We've been married for twenty years and he keeps saying he should just leave because he can't trust me to do anything right, that he might as well be single if he has to do everything himself. I don't know why I stay. I feel like such a failure in life. There will be time I go with long stretches without messing anything up but then something will happen and I'm back to square one. It's so demoralizing. He'll say I'll be like My Mom and my sister who both got divorced. I honestly don't know how to go out on my own. I'm 53 years old. We don't have any kids. Most everything is in his name. How can I afford an apartment? I've only lived alone for a couple of months before we were married.
Withholding sex/no longer attracted to me
Submitted by Poohnot on 06/12/2021.
Poohnot
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi there - without any further context, it sounds like you are being abused. Look up ''withholding'' as a form of abuse. Continuously hanging the threat of divorce over your head, when he likely knows you fear that, is also abuse. Putting down your mom and sister and telling you you'll be just like them is mean and likely meant to keep you on your toes and afraid.
It probably doesn't matter if everything is in his name. If you're married, I believe in most places, you will be splitting these assets upon divorce. Why not go to a divorce lawyer on your own with a list of all that you and he own and just ask? You might be entitled to more than you think. At some women's shelters, they can get you a free consultation with a lawyer. Get documents for all bank accounts and assets if you can so you have proof if he tries to hide money if you do ultimately decide to pursue divorce. If you don't have a job, he may also be required to pay you spousal support for a while until you can get on your feet, which would also help you afford a place - a lawyer can advise you on the likelihood of this. There may be more ways out than you think and he may not want you to see them so you feel trapped with and beholden to him. Find out for yourself (quietly though), what your options are, learn more about emotional and psychological abuse and see if you think that applies to your situation and then see what YOU want to do for your life. Thinking of you and sending strength your way.
Thank you
Submitted by Poohnot on
Thanks Melody. I do have a job and we discuss finances a lot so I do know where all the money is/goes. I feel so stupid for staying. I do need to look into what I should do. Our mortgage payment uses both of our paychecks so definitely have thought about exploring apartments and such. Can't believe how expensive everything is.
Not stupid at all
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I felt the same way. When I looked at the whole picture of what I was putting up with, I wondered how the heck I had let myself get in so deep for so long. I don't think you're stupid at all. I think the little things pile and pile and pile up bit by bit like the frog in the pot of water slowly heating to boil. I think you're strong for seeing it for what it is and for starting a plan for yourself.
I had a really hard time finding a place too, with things being so expensive. There are definitely options out there - houses with basement apartments where you could earn rent to put towards the mortgage, renting a smaller place or even moving in with a roommate in a similar situation temporarily (how much worse can it be than now, right!?).
Wishing you so much happiness in the future.
That really sucks :\ You
Submitted by JillP on
That really sucks :\ You might want to come up with an exit plan, just in case. No one enters marriage expecting to get divorced, after all. Have support numbers ready. You can even set up a separate bank account and start saving a small amount each month as a just in case fund. Good luck!
Things are expensive, but analyzing spending habits might reveal hidden sources of income too, like getting a cheaper cell phone plan etc.
Hello Poohnot....I suggest you Try counseling....
Submitted by c ur self on
Your husband is wrong to withhold sex from you....He is also wrong to not love and accept you for the person you are...If there are things you aren't saying here about your own behaviors (anger, temper disrespect, selfishness etc, that would be wrong also....
But, based on your post (IMO), he isn't respecting his wife, and his vows to you...A good devoted wife, is something to cherish, not take for granted...Your not his maid, or employee, your his wife (1 flesh w/ him).....
When communication WALLS get built from selfish desires and non-acceptance, (all about me attitude's) by one or both parties, they usually don't come down without a dose of self awareness, repentance, and a heart change...
Bless you
c
Been there
Submitted by Mystical1 on
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I'm not sure if he is "withholding sex". It seems to me that he has told you that he is no longer attracted to you because there are things that he sees as issues in your relationship. From your post it appears that your ADHD symptoms may be getting in the way of him seeing you in a loving light. It also sounds like there need to be changes made in what tasks you perform and the ones that he takes care of. You probably need to sit down and have a chat about who does what and what is expected. It sounds as if that is long overdue.
You say that you have forgotten things in his lunch. He needs to pack his lunch. Set an alarm to remind you about mailing letters.
I've been married to a man for 13 years and he has ADHD. He didn't get a diagnosis until January of this year. Over the last 13 years, I intermittently felt less attracted to him (before his ADHD diagnosis) because his symptoms shouted at me that I didn't matter, our house didn't matter, our kids didn't matter, nothing mattered... I was/am burdened with many of the tasks to make our household run smoothly. In addition to housework and our four children, I was overworked, overburdened, and overtired. I understand now that he doesn't MEAN to do those things but prior to the diagnosis, I didn't WANT to be intimate with him. How could I WANT to be intimate with someone who I viewed as ignoring me, ignoring our lives together, and neglecting everything around him? I think that the posts here that are saying that withholding sex amounts to abuse are somewhat incorrect. Yes, if someone is trying to control you by doing that then sure, it amounts to abuse. From your post, it doesn't sound like he is trying to control you since he has stated "he is no longer attracted to you". Is it not abuse to also expect sex from someone who has stated that they are not in the correct frame of mind (ie. no longer attracted/they're annoyed/feeling defeated) to perform the act? His feelings SHOULD mean something in any event and it's up to you both to do your parts to fix the issues in your relationship. Personally, I believe that it is emotional/mental abuse to expect sex from your significant other just because they are married to you and despite issues in your relationship. Essentially, you're asking him to ignore his feelings for physical contact.
You don't say whether you are medicated or going to therapy but maybe that should be in the cards if you aren't already doing it. If you ARE doing it then it's time for a conversation with him about what needs to be done and how you can set up a new arraignment that suits both of you.
You also need to set up boundaries. The other part about your mom and your sisters is him being mean and stooping to a level that he shouldn't. Tell him "You won't talk to me that way. We can continue to have this conversation when neither of us is angry".
Hi Been There,
Submitted by Poohnot on
Hi Been There,
I appreciate your feedback. I am currently on adderall and I am working on balancing my work and personal life so that i do not feel so overwhelmed and thus forget things. We plan on attending a couples communication class through our medical insurance that I am hoping will help with our communication issues. He is rather blunt and matter of fact and I am sensitive in nature so that has caused us some conflict. I am hoping that this will help us get to where we would both like to be. As for the withholding sex, you are right. He has mentioned not being attracted to me due to always feeling like he has to handle everything when I mess up on what I was supposed to handle. I feel like the factory that has a sign up with so many days since the last accident. That's the thing that is so hard. Knowing that no matter how careful I am, no mater how many days, or months go by, I am one step away from another slip up.
I can tell he still cares, I just miss the intimacy. I am hoping that we can get back there.