Hello; My fiance and I have gone our separate ways. I am harboring so much anger because of the past 8 years together, engaged for almost 3 years. We called our wedding off 3 months before the wedding as my fiance was just diagnosed ADHD and possibly bipolar. We both agreed that seeking help for his health superceded a wedding.
The issue between us is his house. We do not live together but his house is an unfinished renovation project and it is a mess. I've done some ADHD research and I understand that with grandiose undertakings comes a ton of responsibilities which can fall to the wayside. I think we have ended up in a codependent relationship where he puts my needs before his needs and vice versa. His needs of getting organized to complete his house have continually been neglected and I find that his house holds so much power over our relationship. His house has been like this even before I met him so there have been a decade or more of missed opportunities to take steps to finish.
I guess I'm angry because I feel cheated of all the hopes and dreams and goals we had talked about and angry because of the power that this neurological disorder as well as his house has over our relationship. My fiance is on medication but he is still struggling to finish his house. And I feel so guilty as in should I have hung on to the hope that he would finish his house so we could have then moved forward with rebooting our wedding and all the other plans and dreams we had. I am so crushed and I feel like there has been a death.
Comments
So sorry
Dottie, this sure is a tremendous loss. I’d say your anger is totally appropriate.
I was deprived of most of my hopes when the 20+ year ADD marriage went to splinters last year. Since then, much has happened and I want to convey some hope to you.
The anger is terrible, but if you’re like I’ve been, it has its course, and then it will leave you. Everywhere it says we need to experience all emotions going through a difficult separation, and not try to short-circuit them. I believe this holds true. You are not an angry person, or a bitter one, for having these violent emotions at this point. They simply reflect the awfulness of what you’ve experienced. Also a mind differing from his, and therefore perhaps an inability to grasp his behavior over time. I couldn’t accept or understand my passive avoidant ADD partner either, and when it finally became evident I’d never been safe with him, my mind bolted like a terrified horse. It’s so painful it feels like it will kill one.
But it doesn’t.
I believe you will emerge, eventually. I’m there now. Anger is gone. It took time, but the relief is enormous.
All the best to you.
Your anger is totally normal
Anger and also fear are normal reactions to what you have just been through. Ending a relationship you had hoped would lead to marriage is sort of like a death. You will mourn what you think you lost. The reality is that you never really had what you had hoped for… a loving supportive partner who would be there for you to help with life’s hard times. Your reality was that you were being forced to carry the financial and emotional load for 2 people, he refused help, and just kept digging you deeper and deeper into despair. You did the right thing by choosing to live without him. I know it hurts now, and it might hurt for a few months, but the uncertainty and anger will pass as you get your footing back into the normal world, not being bogged down by his many symptoms and inability to stand on his own two feet. Your freedom opens up so many possibilities for you that were out of reach being in the grips of adhd misery. His diagnosis as bi-polar is also very concerning. It would be hell to live with someone who can’t control their moods, with you always expected to be the one to clean up the messes, literally and figuratively. Trust me, as someone who left at age 60, almost 10 years ago. Wonderful things will come into your life that would never have been possible if you were still tied to him. Look forward 10 years and think of all of the regret you would have if you stayed in the relationship with absolutely no progress, only your scars of being overworked and unappreciated. Just think about the fact that you are not being weighed down by that horrible, hoarded unfinished house any more. That is his responsibility to bear! Congratulations on getting out!