Since I'm the still processing the split with my SO....I've finally come to understand what the Now/Not Now truly is. This has teased my brain for over 10 years trying to find it in my own ADHD brain...and couldn't find it ? For good reason, it's not there!! Possibly in the truest ADHD sense, losing track of time ( time blindness ) getting sucked into hyper focus etc. I do have that. But this living in the moment thing...has baffled me endlessly?
To be more precise...living in the moment as in...being prescent, aware, Ekhart Tolles the Power of Now...are all good things? So what's this living in the momemt thing, related to the Now/ Not Now?
"Being present means fully engaging in the current moment, both mentally and physically, without being distracted by past regrets or future worries."
Right? So what's this all about? I really hadn't a clue until I lived it with another person. And there's are fascinating reasons for this...in the dicoveries I made about myself. I'm calling these discoveries the "Cool / Not so Cool"..because there are definite downsides. And the downsides are more of a curse sometimes...painfully so.
I chose this category of support for the ADHD partner with intention. I now there are those I'm this forum who are no longer with there chosen partner. I'm one of those people too, despite having ADHD myself. I want to extend my deepest sympathy to those who've experiences the pain that goes with this. In fact, what I discovered is my grief may even be worse, as in prolonged...as in some cases, it never truly ends. Let me make a valid attempt to explain why.
The cool part. I'm amazed at my brain sometimes. I've nicked named this phenomenon "my card file" long before I knew what it is. It's not a made up thing at all, in fact, it's very real. Let me explain.
My card file is actually called: Autobiographical Scene Memory. I not only just remember facts about the past. My brain reconstructs entire scenes where I relive an entire moment in time, just like time travel.
That includes: emotions, feelings, textures, sounds, location, the people or person I'm with, what they were wearing, the smells, the tastes of the food, the mood, the tone ...everything down to every nuanced detail...as if I'm actually there, in vivid living color.
Fact is...I can't not forget...which on one hand is cool...on the other hand can be painfully real as well, especially when it involves someone I've deeply bonded with. What makes matters worse...it's these very people that get anchored in my memory. For me, these aren't ghosts...the experience is truly like reliving the past ( time travel ) anytime I pull a card from my file.
It's also why...I've found it of ultimate importance to end things well, and keep myself clean. I don't forget my part either. It's a complete scene with myself in it. Anything on my part that I regret...will get shoved back in my face to relive again once more. Learning by mistakes this way...can be fron endless reminders of my own failures that never truly go away because of this phenomenon. I've also come to learn this isn't highly unusual and most people can do this...but not to this degree inckuding the time travel part...which is somewhat rarer than most. I can feel the intensity too...as if I'm actually there now. Thats the painful part, that becomes overwhelming times. The...not so cool part...that I just have to learn to live with. In its very essense...memories never truly fade away and my memory ( this type ) is like an elephant.
The Now/Not Now is a completely different animal. . It's "state dependent" memory which is the key component. Not only is it different than mine, the memory of the past, including all those things I said , appears to be erased, including how that person felt at the time. It's more like: I don't love you now, and I'm not even sure I loved you back then either? That's the most painfully part of all. Like as if...it didn't ever happen. Let me assure you...it did!
In reality...it's not really erased, but the access to it is weak or limited. It's not actually gone...but more, filed away without the ability to pull the card. As I understand it? I don't know that part...I only know how mine works?
I have many fascinating stories to tell about this phenomenon. But the one case in point was my first truly bonded relationship who was first girlfriend in college. This is where it gets really interesting.
For the past 50 years after we broke up, I've had vivid dreams about this person. To the point: these aren't recurring dreams. Everyone is different...no two are anything alike. She just reappears in these dreams as if she's right there again...in every detail. It's time travel again...but my brain reconstructs a new scene...that actually never happened?
In each new scene...we're together again but under a variety of circumstances. Some aren't romantic, some are, a very few are physically intimate, most are not. The places, times, mood, tone, textures, feelings are always different. What's not different is her. When I wake up...it's as if it really happened so in that respect...she's never truly gone away. It's like driving to her house for another visit each time it happens. It's a true lived experience...and she always keeps returning.
And...that's the other cool part. In every case...these are always positive experiences. The vast majority are positive by the end of the dream.
Why that is. It's because we both bonded together equally...at the same time. It's wasn't an asymmetrical relationship.. we both went deep together. That imprinted experienc was, for me, the pinnacle, of my own life experience. I truly believe...it's why she keeps coming back for more in my dreams. For 50 years and counting. She just reappeared not long ago again. I've never shared this with anyone but I realize now...why it keeps happening.
And just like in reality...we briefly get together and leave. The story always resolves..with each going our separate ways. I also realized fron this ...it wasn't because there was conflict we went different directions in reality. We actually tried to reunite on several occasions so it had nothing to do with how we felt about each other...more to do with life circumstances....re-depicted in in each scene.
So the Now/Not Now I can honestly does not appear exactly the same for everyone with ADHD. As far a I can tell...this Card file memory or the Cool/Not so Cool, Autobiographical Scene Memory is not related to ADHD...but maybe amplified by it?
Anyway, it's hard to say if it's a blessing or a curse...but it's mostly a cool thing anyway I look at it.
J
Comments
Hunter Mind , Dances with Wolves
I had a sort of epiphany related to my Autobiographical Scene Memory. I have a theory, related to Dr Hallowell's book: Driven By Distraction. I do remember the chapter in the book, where he explained how ADHD, as he felt, was a leftover adaptive trait that better served of species during the Hunter/Gatherer stage in our evolution as humans. I was definitely intrigued by this at the time.
This epiphany of sorts, came to me when I was researching the area I plan to visit in the near future. It's a wildlife refuge for Pronghorn Antelope which are the fastest animals in North America, reaching speeds of up to 60mph, only slightly slower than Cheetahs.
As I was browsing some comments made by visitors to the area , one person had seen a wolf trying to chase down a Pronghorn which sounded more than exciting. I immediately started doing my research about wolves in the area as I'm not planning on staying in a camping area per se. What I learned is what git me thinking.
Wolves don't hunt where they live. They can travel up to 60 miles just to hunt. Which means, their routes to get there and back, are based on the same choices humans make when picking these paths. Staying high along ridgelines to avoid dramatic evaluation changes, moving along saddles in between peaks, for more efficient travel. These are exactly the places I want to avoid when making my camp. I don't want to unintentionally put myself smack in the middle of a "wolf highway" if I can help it.
It suddenly occurred to me. They do this without the aid of a compass, a map, stars or any means that humans use to travel great distances, hunt, then return home. I realized, they need a really well developed scene memory ( very detailed in every respect ) to find there way out...then return back home.
I thought to myself....I can do this, and have done it many times. I've never been lost, hiking through the forest, even when bushwacking where there are no trails. My visual spatial awareness is really quite good. Combined with my card file...I always seem to know which direction is home.
There's even a story, when my dad's sister and husband came to visit once when I was very young....not even in gradeschool yet. I ended up riding with my uncle, and we followed my dad and sisters with my Aunt riding with them. At one point, I told my uncle to take a fork in the road while my dad kept going an alternative route. What I remember was telling my uncle "go to the Golden Arches" then we turn on our street.
I didn't say McDonald's...because in 1962, they actually had big yellow arches (2 ) on the side of the building. McDonald's, in my mind, wasn' a land mark, but the big yellow arches you couldn't miss. I assured my Uncle, this was the way to get home. And I watched as they appeared and told him to turn. Within only a few minutes, we pulled in the driveway.
When we walked in the door, my mom was making dinner and greeted my Uncke but then said " where's your father? ". My Uncle explained what I'd done mentioning "the Golden Arches" which made him chuckle. A few minutes later, my dad and crew arrived and were surprised to see us there ahead of him. My dad said "we thought you got lost so we waited for you to catch up. My Uncle repeated the "Golden Arches" story and the rest is history. Everyone got a good laugh over that one as I recall sitting there feeling rather proud of myself.
If I had known then what I know now...I'd probably had said "oh ye of little faith!". Lol.
The more I think about this, the more I think there's sonething to it. In forensic evolutionary science....survival of the species depends on it. Just like with wolves, they have to find their way home after a hunt.
J