I'm having another SMH moment concerning my sister. To be clear, a "Deb" is short for Debutante...and yes, I'm being monitored.
If you recall, I mentioned my mom trying to put me through Debutante Training from lack of understanding how little boys operate. I definitely didn't operate that way!
This is absolutely, a perfect example of how there was a complete breakdown and disconnect in communication in my family unit. I'll the backstory as brief as possible to get to the point.
My mom, in college, pleadged to a particular sorority whole in school. I calling "Debutante Training " that came from her own experience in "said" sorority. And both my sisters pledged to "said " sorority, at the exact same college ( not my mom's ) but the same one that I ended up going to however, I wanted nothing to do with the "Greek System" while there. Surprise right?
Then, my sisters daughter pledged to "said" sorority, while she was in college. So now, there's 4 of these women in just my family alone. The hive is definitely buzzing.
So now, just recently, this new Facebook friend contacts me, and starts asking about my plans. But the overall message keeps repeating; "are you safe?". Please be safe. Are there predators? Me: "yes, bears and wolf and cougars. " Her: "well be safe ! "
Every future contact was again, wanting to know if I'm safe. Be safe!! Please be Safe! Which felt genuinely concerning and I think is it is....but
The conversation switched to some photography and music I combine and post in "my story " on social media. Their just pics I taken that I combine with music to pass the tike because it's fun. Music just pops into my head and I put it with my photos. But also, the "my story" feature, shows who's seen it so I can see who's seen them or not. During this one conversation, this woman mentioned something about work, and being lucky to have this skill....in a "work" related way. It was subtle, but noticicable, "work" got thrown into me saying I was having fun for my own amusement which is why it's fun. I mentioned....if it was "work" I would do it because at "work", I never got to do my own ideas and had to do "someone else's ideas " instead.
She balked. She was just about to write something then backed off. Mmmm.
Future contacts kept on the same theme. Be safe! Be safe! Are you safe? Where are you? Is it safe?
Which seemed a bit curious for someone I'd never met to be so fixated on my safety? She had no photo of what she looked like so I decided to take a look.
But before I go there, she told me SHE went to the same school as I did too. That same school both my sisters went to...yet she was younger ....my age. The plot thickens.
And my mom was rabid about being a Deb. They had Deb meetings..and all the Debs from all over would go. And they had Deb reunions, where all those Debs would go....past and present Debs..their like gaggles of Debs!!
This is what I personally witnessed growing up. It's not speculation what so ever. This "said" group of Debs are like an Deb Army. Seriously. They're everywhere, doing what Debs do.
And one thing Debs do is gossip. They are the Queens of gossip! How do I know, I listened to them...NON STOP!! LOL. I lived inside this Deb insanity ...from my perspective...my entire childhood.
So now, I'm chatting with this woman online I've never met before about "my story" posts...then suddenly, my sister appears on one, checking it out which she never does. Gee that's strange??? What would cause my sister ( who won't call me ) to show up looking at my photos ?? Mmmmm?
And then, out of the blue...my sister comments on one of my more recent posts and says:
"Kelly I am glad you are taking each day and feeling accomplished with all your tasks!! And especially glad you enjoyed Memorial Day with your front row seat! So very creative!
Take good care as always - love and care to you."
There's nothing wrong with this highly curated sounding comment. Highly curated sounding, somewhat impersonal and reads like a Haklmark card? Except for the fact...that's its from my sister who won't even call me!! Lol
I haven't talked to her in over a month. I haven't updated her on anything. I've given her NO new information yet, she's seems to be abreast of my creative "tasks" etc.
So when I looked up this woman who's been contacting me, just to see who she is...I saw 1 post....that explained everything. It was a cake...and on the cake was a Symbol . A symbol that I knew extremely well and recognized it immediately. It was the Symbol that represents "said" sorority house, at the same college I went to, which was the same college this woman went to, which is the same college BOTH my sisters went to...and they're all Debs !! It's like one big Deb conspiracy!!
And me....I'm just shaking my head. My sister can't even call me, but her and all the Debs can gossip and get information to relay it back to each other in this insane Deb hive they've got going on. Sheese!!
And this woman acting like some Deb surrogate for my sister ....because my sister can't ( or won' ) call me and just get it straight from the horses mouth?
What this appears like to me, is that my sister is worried . Yes. And she's full of fear about me and the "predators ". Yes. And she can't stop worryingly. Yes. So she needs me to "come back, come back...get a job. Get an apartment....come back...don't go. Because I'm worried. Yes.
"Okay mom....but I'm doing it anyway. Even if your worried. I can't stop you're worrying...I have no control of that either!! "
That's about what I use to say to my real mom. Different words...same message. And now in this totally bizarre "Deb conspiracy" ..using a different Deb to "get information" for her, my sister is doing this Deja Vous feeling repeat of my mom...for the same reason. By remote!!
I'm mean seriously, this could make a person paranoid if it weren't so obvious. It feels exactly like when my other Deb sister...looked at this Deb sister...and said "Peter Pan Sydrome" right in front me me...as if....I didn't know what they were doing!!!
And what really clued me in...is when I told this surrogate Deb, where I was sleeping at night. ( the photos she saw and commented on ).
Boom. Conversation over. I haven't heard a word since. That "Halmark Card" response from my siste is all I got in reply. Instead of just picking up the phone and calling me.
What a concept ? No surrogate Deb needed?
Comments
Something I Wanted to add.....
Shortly after I wrote this post about my personal situation; In light of everything that's going on with my family ( and possibly others can relate to ) is the fact, that the pressure I'm recieving from my sister to conform or to do what she "needs" me to do, is not about me. It's about her need, to feel better, to stop worrying, and not feel shame. Shame is the big one....and there are multiple reasons why.
Without going into those reasons, and even the fact that she has inside help ( the Debs ) may or may not be a "conspiracy" at all. I was having some fun with that, but in reality, it appears everyone is kind of, coming to "her" rescue do to speak. It's a pattern in our family. ( just take my word ) In part...the person who can play or become the biggest victim ( the victim competition ) gets the most attention in an overly dramatic way. She tends to be overly dramatic anyway. Easily alarmed ! Lions and Tigers and Bears...OH MY! If you think I'm kidding, Im not using that referenc . She got that from my mom, which is why I refereed to her as "okay mom". Just filling in the blanks a little.
But here's the thing I really wanted to add here. When everyone is playing this victim competion, no one wins because everyone is trying to out do the other, hoarding, being miserly, not "giving" and becoming entitled. That's not to say my sister, for example, is not a giving person. It's in the way she gives or what she gives, that becomes problematic. It's much easier for me to see this now than ever before. She'll bake a batch of cookies, or a cake and give that to a person who just lost someone close. She'll stay up late, just to do this, and take it to their house. As if, cookies are what a grieving person really needs ? That's the disconnect. It's same disconnect I've experienced my entire life. As if, cookies are the answer to everything, which clearly, they are not! Lol
And in this same kind of disconnected way, me, changing from what I'm doing now, to make everyone else "feel better" is missing the most important part in all of this. ( the disconnect ). This includes all the Debs who are helping her feel better too by supporting her...for what ever reason they have? I don't fully get the whole Deb thing so you'll have to excuse my ignorance here. It's completely outside of "my world " and is world unto its own that I have no part of .
The part that's missing is me. My sister has no responsibility in how I got where I am. Every decision I've made until now, has shaped how and why I'm here doing what I'm doing. I. 100% responsible for getting here, and I'm 100% responsible for what ever happens. My sister has no part in any of it. I'm not asking or making her responsible for any of it.
But there's also the fact, that I'm just now, beginning to really enjoy my new life. That "feeling like a child " again is worth its weight in gold. I just had to buy new shorts and one of those high tech summer breathable hoodies to protect myself from UV rays since I'm exposed 24/7. But the main reason I had to do this is because my clothes no longer fit. I'm now wearing the same size as I did in high school. It not only a good look, but more importantly...I feel great .
I'm just now starting to have fun, and enjoying all my hard work on my trailer build ( 90 % complete ) and I'm fully enjoying the peace and quiet too. Living outdoors is teaching me countless lessons every day. My already owned skills, and are getting honed and expanded on. I'm relating to, and talking to all kinds of new people daily. My disposition, has improved exponentially, and it shows on. Y body. I'm already experiencing that "thing" in sports training where your muscles get stronger than your tendons and ligaments and I'm feeling the beginnings of over extending them. That's actually a good sign. It means my strength has returned and I've now have to back off a bit, to let my tendons to catch up. That just a marker, that I've returned to where I once was. I know better now, than to push it past that point and just allow the rest of me to catch up. This feels like I just returned to my 20's in youthful strength...and I've done nothing to make that happen other than to change my lifestyle. ALL OF THIS...just happened from adopting a change and following thru. And I haven't even begun to actually carry out my plan yet...which I suspect ( from my trial runs ) will be more than I hoped for. The fact that I've never done it, makes its all that more novel and exciting. Even after the novel part where's off ( and it will ) it'll be far from boring and will bring something new everyday. It really is, one of those things you always say..."well, someday, when thus happens I'll.......".
Well, that someday is now, today. Which is why I'm calling it a bucket list item. I'm checking off a childhood dream and making it happen in reality.
So now, returning to my sister and the "come back, get an apartment, get a job."
Because why? So she won't have to worry or to make her feel better? Who's life is it anyway? Hers or mine? What would I get out of doing what she "needs me to do for her" ? A poke in the eye with a blunt stick? Actually, far worse...and my loss in in everything I just laud out would be immeasurable.
To be precise. I have no kids, no wife, no partner, no business or anyone counting on me for anything. I have no responsibilities I'm "shirking " or not doing. I'm not harming anyone including, talking care of the areas where I stay ( no trace camping ) There's only one person who could possibly be injured ( or even die ) by what I'm doing, and that would be me. And yes, I could die, that's a real possibility. Except, I'm really good at not dying....I have a long track record of doing exactly that.
Anyway, I thought I'd include my own thoughts to what I just said above.
Humor
After writing this, and thinking about my sister, I realized what got me thru so many difficult times with my family was humor. It still gets me thru even now.
But this one particular event, that I've told here before is worth repeating especially since I have more context to ad which makes it even more funny now. The sister I'm question, is the same sister that, when my mother was laying on her death bed only an hour away from actually dying I can relate better in everything I've shared here which makes this more understandable I think. This is where, a very serious and highly emotionally charged moment in my life, got kind of, hijacked by my sister ( the one in question ).
Tp recap, my mother had been suffering from Alzeimers for approximately 18 years. That's a very long time as I understand, most sufferers don't make it that far. I had confirmed with her care nurses that she had been mentally checked out for years. Not really even recognizing anyone including us, her family. And my earlier discussions with her caregivers confirmed this. So basically, she was functionally brain dead as far as any memories were involved. Just vague familiarties is all that she was aware of. It a very sad thing to watch someone "go" mentally long before they cease to function. By the time my mom, was actually dying....you'r more releaved than you are sad which is a strange thing to experience... and the hospice nurse warned me ahead, that this can cause you to feel guilty for feeling actually glad and relieved they aren't suffering anymore. She'd been checked out for almost 9 years ...from our last real conversation where she could respond to you or relate to anything you'd say.
The problem came, when this sister in question could not accept the reality of the situation. Another case of being disconnected to what was real...and was still treating my mom as if she could still recognize her and knew what she was saying. Which she didnt...therin lies the problem.
So, I had my own private time before my two sisters arrived, to be with my mom, and just didn't what I dud with my little dog . I just held her hand, and brushed her hair back and told her I was there, and it was okay to go. Same exact scenario.
When suddenly, the door almost burst open and tye sister in question came rushing over to my mom ( kind of pushing me aside ) and started talking to my mom about going to see her mom, and dad and Jesus...blah blah blah. There's absolutely nothing wrong with her saying these things BUT....if the person your saying them to could actually hear and understand what she was saying...that might have been different. But she hadn't had that capacity for almost a decade ..so, how on earth was she going to understand it now? That was the disconnect...she still believed she could understand her, but she couldn't??
And I was experiencing so much cognitive dissonance over this entire scene ( yes, this is my scene memory again ) I diverted to humor, as my only means to deal !! It's the only way I can navigate when reality starts going askew ! Lol
And this exactly what I remember, was a scene from Curb Your Enthusiasm ( the show ) when Larry David had a near death experience and went to heaven, only to called back...right after meeting Ben Hogan and was invited to play a round of golf on the links in heaven ! Lol This was happening simultaneously as my sister was listing all these poeple my mom was going to meet. I wish I could find the scene, but I found a related one that still gives you the idea.
The point I'm making is simply that when things get top ridiculous for me to cope, I turn to humor to get me thru. Nothing has changed for me really. When life just gets to be too much and too overwhelming, finding things to laugh about has always helped me thru.
I just found this clip, from the same episode which is actually more relevant to other things that have been discussed here. I'm not trying make light of these serious topics. Only, when I see myself in these videos...it makes me laugh very hard.
And for what it's worth to connect the dots. It's this particular sister, who seems like, she lives inside a world, inside her head, instead of the one everyone else is living in. That's the point I'm trying to make. And since there's nothing I can do to change that, sometimes, all I can do is laugh.
Look up YouTube : Curb Your Enthusiasm: Larry fights his guardian angel.
Learning Opportunity
I cannot express enough how funny I think the video ( the one I suggested ) has been for me to watch. I've watched it probably ten times since I made this last post about humor.
Assuming anyone reading this has also seen it, I've actually learned a number of things from viewing it again repeatedly. I thought, sharing what I learned might be of value to someone else.
First, the three characters: ( Larry, Dustin Hoffman, and Bill Hader ) each play a distinct "role" in this video clip. What's been most useful to me is to spot myself, as to which role I would currently be playing. Almost immediately, I identify with Dustin Hoffmans character. Even his hand gestures are almost identity to mine at certain points in time. I can feel his utter frustration which is hysterical, trying to have this conversation with Larry. Especially the "the systems" part. That is SO MUCH ME !! Lol
But immediately, I identity with Larry. In my, prediagnosis/ uneducated / unmedicated days. I'M SO MUCh Larry too !! Or was....in the past.
And then there's Bill Hader ( such a funny guy ) who plays the "yes man", and just repeats back everything anyone says, trying to keep the peace. I immediately can identify with Bill the yes man...the guy who'll do or say anything just to keep conflict from escalating. Bill has no real voice of his own, and just parrot back whatever he hears. I'm SO MUCH Bill too!! Or....have been in the past.
That's why this is such a good skit. These archetypal characters are so well and cleanly displayed. I can identity with all of them as I own these archetypes myself...
But especially Larry and Dustin Hoffman!! Lol When I watch it again and again...it's like "me" having an argument with myself, and the "now me" ( Dustin Hoffman ) is completely losing composure over the "past me ", being such a complete dunder head... and getting all defensive and argumentative over something as stupid as losing DVD jackets and what constitute's a system.
I'm sure I'll be watching it again because it's simply a hilarious skit. And ( big picture ) the fact that Larry gets "sent back" to his life on earth when he actually was in heaven and totally screwed up is like icing on the cake. It's brilliantly written to say the least.