This is not some new revelation, but just a reminder. Again, just sharing something I feel is important.
I keep bringing myself back to Echart Tolle's revelation, in the moment he had his epiphany. This also, deals with the "us and them" dichotomy.
At his lowest state, next to suicide, he thought " I can't live with myself ". Then he thought, "who is this "self" I can't live with?"
In essence, he's just "one" person, who's this extra thing, construct, story, idea, or person, who's not himself? Imagination?
And who's this "them" then? Who's not you? The one you don't like. Especially, if they're actually exactly like you? This thing you hold so much contempt for?
In that moment, he understood who he was. And this "self"... is just an illusion. A construct of his own doing.
It's a reminder for me, in moments with SO....that she is more like me, than I think she even realizes. I realize it, but at times, I don't think she does.
Even more so.....any criticism of me coming from her...is only a self reflection of what she doesn't like about herself. It's a reminder not to take it personally and not to take it in .
It's easier said than done but, Eckhart Tolle is the one who reminds me:
"If you can't live with yourself...who can you live with? "
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I Had a Thought Yesterday...
In a compassionate way, dealing with my anger towards my SO, I referred back to the idea of shame, and how it will motivate a person and their behavior.
I was thinking about what I wrote about Eckhart Tolle and the notion of "self"...as a construct. Shame has a big part in shaping this construct as in, avoidance of shame.
There's self esteem, which I've struggled with at various times. It can come and go and it is tied ( for me, a man ) to things like my work, being weak, or other measures of societal norms.
In dealing with my SO, a woman, I realize for her, these same criteria are not exactly the same for her in terms of self worth.
I suddenly remember having a conversation with my two sisters, standing in the room where my mother lay, shortly after she had just passed away. Literally only an hour or less later. We began by sharing our experience with our mother, and I started hearing stories I'd never heard before? Coming from my two sisters relating together....I was hearing experiences coming from them, I had never experienced before with my mother? Same mother, same family.....so how could this be? Why didn't I experience these things? Why was I treated differently?
It occurred to me, this had more to do with "self image" not "self esteem". I had my own issues with self image, but not the ones I was hearing from my sisters because I eas effectively immune. As I'm seeing this, self image and self esteem are tied together, but they are separate things at the same time. When you introduce shame to either one, you will get differing results in behavior.
In my mother's case, weight, was the "shame" factor. You could call it "fat"...but appearance is the construct or illusion in this case.
My mother and I were blessed with slender physical appearance. Actually, as a kid and teenager growing up, I really hated it. Why? Because of the appearance of weaknesses...as measured for a guy. I looked proportionate in clothes though, and that's what my mother saw a value. I could care less about that part, but my mother would make odd comments about "being long wasted " which meant absolutely nothing to me. What a freak, I use to think of my mom back then. "You big wierdo" leave me alone ! This was in response to the ongoing war on what clothes I wore which never ended....even later in life.
The point being, I was never criticized or made to feel shame about my body. I had next to no body fat, and was rock hard from swimming. I looked like a swimmer...which is exactly what I was. I wasn't doing it to look good...it just goes with the territory if you work out none stop all the time. I was completely immune, from my mom's discriminating eye......
But my sisters weren't...and especially one of them. One of them was a little plump...and she heard about it all the time, non-stop, for her entire growing up. My other sister, was only a shade behind her...but both got an earful about the sins of being fat. My mom, had a thing about fat people. But she herself, was not one of them. ( us and them ).
I realize, self image is a big issue with my SO. She's been super thin, kind of heavy, really heavy, nicely thin and proportionate....
And now, as she calls it, is "really fat" again. We actually weigh the same right now. I'm 6'0"....she's 5'2"....and we weighed, exactly the same to the 10th of a pound ...the other day.
And no matter how many times I tell her she's gorgeous and sexy....she won't believe it. She remembers when she was much thinner....and got a lot of attention from men. Her self image, is tied to how men see her...and how attractive she is to men.
This shame based behavior, drives her to believe she's no longer attractive...because she's added some pounds to her self ( image ).
Nothing I can do, can change that for her but telling her it doesn't matter ( for me...and from me ) does make her happy. It's one of the things she's said, she really appreciates about me.
But further. I never had that issue. I was immune from that shame. It didn't effect me...and I didn't develope a thing about it. It's easy for me to give generously...when I have plenty to give in that area. I've never had self esteem or self image problems about my body....I have nothing to prove or gain either way.
Unlike my mom....I have no issues with my SO's body. How I see her and the way I feel about her ( and my desire for sex with her ) is not tied to how "fat" she is. Nothing changes, if she goes up or down in weight....I still feel the same regardless.
She on the other hand, changes a lot. She either likes herself...or doesn't like herself...as her weight goes up or down.
Obviously, being an unhealthy weight is a problem for anyone. She's a bit over that limit and could be healthier.
But, whether she realizes it or not, this is effecting me greatly. It causes behaviors that has made me furious. It's caused behaviors that has made me sad. It's caused behaviors that are bordering inappropriate and it's certainly caused behaviors that have effected me negatively.
This shame...is the one driving her car...at times....too much. And, at times, its driven a wedge between us ...an greatly effected me in the process.
And ....it has nothing to do with me. How I feel about her, doesn't change. She was this way when we met....and I totally don't care.
But it allows me to be generous in letting her know it's okay. My self image in this way...hasn't been my issue.
My self esteem on the other hand...is a different story entirely.
They are two different things....for two different reasons....but both, tied together as one.
This concept of Self...and the illusions of this construct is all about shame. When this construct no longer exists....the shame goes away.
For me, understanding and seeing this difference...allows me to be more compassionate and giving...when I understand where my anger came from.
Seeing it for what it is...instead of seeing it for what it isn't makes a big difference in how I feel.