So I’ve come to a place today where emptiness stretches out around me.
I’ve almost accepted divorce, the loss, the grief, the void where children disappear every week.
I no longer dwell in the conflicts as much as before. I imagine my ADD ex husband with a new younger woman - always expected though not evident yet - and I sort of accept this, turning me into something old and spent.
I’ve probed my feelings for an old love this week. He used to be my person, but though he’s been the only possible object of desire Ive been able to imagine since divorce, I don’t want him.
My father passed when I was in my twenties. There is now no man I trust and feel deeply connected to.
I’m sure this feeling of emptiness might be another step forward after divorce. But it makes me so sad today.
How do you go on from here? I know this year is supposed to carry me forward professionally, deepen friendships and strengthen interests, but I feel so meek in front of it. Not bitter, just weak. Ive worked incessantly to understand what’s happened and repaired all I could, made boundaries, and sort of feel it’s mostly done. I did all I could. Now what?
A colleague announced today she’s leaving for another workplace. I felt it affected me. Like the lack of meaning of all we do engulfed me briefly.
It’s so empty.
