Content Warning: Contains references to suicide
Hi there, I hope everyone is doing well today. I wanted to log on and vent some frustration with my ADHD spouse. I'm starting to get very resentful and don't know how to feel better about the situation. My ADHD husband is lazy when it comes to being a dad. He does do a lot of other things, which he often points out. But when it comes to spending genuine quality time or investing into his kids, he would rather be zonked out on his cell phone or talking to a friend, mowing five lawns in the neighborhood, or just about anything else. If I ask him to help with the two-year-old, he will "help" for about a minute before moving onto something else. When a neighbor needs him for something, poof he is immediately gone. Sometimes he leaves his cell phone at home, and he will just disappear somewhere in the neighborhood and I have no idea where he went. His job doesn't pay enough and now we're on food stamps and WIC. Have been for awhile, actually. So he ended up getting a second job, and he's gone a lot more now. People ask if it bothers me that he's gone so much, but honestly, I feel like a single mom sometimes anyway, so I don't really mind him working all the time. I figure, at least he's bringing in more money. When he was home before, he would lay in bed and "lament" a lot. He'd complain about not having money and talk suicidal talk, saying he wished he could just die, that he hoped he'd get hit by a bus soon, etc. When I asked him if he was really suicidal, he would say he wasn't, and just say he was frustrated. This went on for years and years (actually, pretty much our whole marriage). But if I tell him he needs to get evaluated or get some help, he'll say he doesn't need it. Very frustrating and I try to keep my kids away from it as much as possible, for fear that it will negatively affect him. He gets very negative in the way he talks, but he'll say he's just being realistic. When I ask for help with the kids' meals or bedtime routine, I have to beg and beg until he reluctantly does something. Otherwise, he'll just be laying in bed on his cell phone not paying attention to anyone. He does switch over the laundry constantly, and he does fold it, but he mixes it all up. We have five kids, and he doesn't want to take the time to learn whose laundry is whose or where it goes, and doesn't help me enforce it for the kids to put away their laundry. (I call the kids into the room and ask them to sort through and find their clothes and put them away, or I'll end up just putting it all away myself). If there's a holiday or it's my birthday, I have to schedule something and ask him to "babysit" his own kids, but I have severe anxiety about leaving them in his care due to his inattentiveness. I recently went to dinner with a friend for our birthdays and while I was gone he let the two year old wander into the garage because he was on the phone and not watching. Our son got hurt and my husband texted me and asked when I was coming home. I guess I'm just asking for some validation to my frustration and also asking for help on how to appreciate him for the things he does right. I know he's working two jobs now, and I do appreciate that. I know he loves his kids. I don't doubt that. But he doesn't really take time to instill anything in them as far as values or godly character, aside from taking our family to church on Sundays. If anything, the way he talks and how he acts are opposite from what a Christian's attitude should be. For example, when I tell him I want help with the kids' meals, he says he's "just not interested" in helping with that and he'll say, "I do other things." He also doesn't have the attention span to play catch with the boys in the yard, play with the baby on the playground (or almost anywhere, really). He'll make comments about wanting more kids, although he got the vasectomy. And I'm thinking, why? Would he say he's sad about it or wants more, when he doesn't want to be present or intentional with the kids we have now? It's so hard when I see other men playing with their children and interacting, helping their wives with meals and encouraging their wives to take breaks or go out with friends, and my husband behaves the way he does. How do I stop feeling so resentful? He does take the four older kids out to meals with just them on occasion, and we do go on family hikes, or he'll play video games or watch a movie with them in the livingroom. He also fixes up their bikes and sometimes we'll go on bike rides with the neighbors. That is about the extent of his involvement as a dad. Should I just be thankful that at least he does something, instead of nothing? It's so hard for me to stop comparing when I see other dads being more thoughtful, intentional and present and I don't have that type of partner. He also will barely look me in the eye because he says it makes him uncomfortable. Anyway, thanks for any help or advice in advance.
Comments
Resentment
You feel resentful because you have good reason to.
Parenting isn’t knocking other people up repeatedly while taking no responsibility for the resulting individuals…
There’s really not much excuse for this behavior, I know very devoted and hard working fathers with ADHD. Sure, it’s probably not ill intent as much as dysfunction. Still the cause doesn’t matter so much for those who suffer the outcome.
I feel empathetic with you and your children.
Rip Van Winkle
Your story of your husband reads a bit like Washington Irving's tale of Rip Van Winkle. Of course, this is a fictional tale with fictional characters but I can't help but see some distinct correlations. Even with me now, I'm a bit like Rip after he awoken and came back to the village only to find that it had progressed far past his normal conort zone. In the end, he just went back to the way he was and hung up and told story's to the towns people which ended with him being a sort of folk legen of sorts.
My only reason to even bring this up is that it caused me to reflect back at my own childhood and what I feel was lacking despite, having many opportunities and a stable living environment. Our needs were well taken care of if you consider: food, clothing, shelter, schooling and education. The basics were always there. But we're only talking about the bottom rung of Maslows Heirarchy of needs. The second rung being safety, and there's three more rungs until you reach the top which is self actualization.
On the surface, it seemed okay? Underneath that is where there were problems. One of those, in reference to my main care giver ( my mom ) was her obsessive nature and being lost inside her head. She was so obsessed ( in the excess ) of keeping house ( to immaculate standards ) and running around highly focused on my older sisters. In one respect, this allowed me a lot of freedom but on the other hand, I ended up with "lost child syndrome" which had some negative consequences. I don't fit neatly into that syndrome, but the net effect was still the same. I became invisible, as a way to cope, and I mostly had to get my other needs met somewhere else or mostly....not at all. That was the downside.
On the upside, it free'd me up to go out and learn things on my own which was mostly by mistakes. There is something to be said by learning by mistakes because those lessons tend to stick better that other methods of learning.
I have to say, if I had a dad like your husband, I would have had at least, a dad who did things with me which mine never did. And the fact that I was afraid of him meant, I really wanted nothing to do with him anyway. His volatile temper and over achieving pushing me and negative reinforcement was nothing I wanted any part of which it sounds like your husband is not that way at all. Between my obsessive, in her own head mom, and my hard as nails driving dad who was all about duty and obligation ( and performance ) all those should be's, and have to be's, and must be this or that....I kind of gravitated to the dads in the neighborhood who were more like your husband in the things he does with the kids.
I mean even fixing the bikes as a father and son would have been nice? The fact that I had to teach myself of learn from other kids or their dads....did have some positive benefits but....
If you go back to Maslow Heirarchy of needs....I only received the bottom rung...and was told I should feel lucky, even indebted to my dad for even that much.
All I'm saying I guess...it could be much worse. And now reflecting back...the real issue was "extremes". A middle ground by both my parents would have proved a better way to go.
The Disconnect
Since I've already shared my struggles with connecting to my family, in particular now, my sisters ( one in particular ), I feel in part, it's due to a language barrier and more simply, my own inability to even understand what's being said.
*fair warning. I may use words here as a means to make distinctions in my own level or capacity to understand what things mean. It may sound derogatory, which is not my intention. I'll put an * on these words because for me...it's actually true.
And because my sister, is so organized around Christianity, I'll take one thing I said and use that as a way to show where this disconnect seems to be apparent.
I fully understand the concept of "self actualization" as a concept or personal goal to attain as an individual. It reads as:
"Self-actualization is a concept central to humanistic psychology, characterized as the process of realizing one's potential and functioning at an optimal level. It emphasizes individual growth, autonomy, and fulfillment while promoting values such as truth, love, and justice."
I find this a very basic and easy to understand concept as a goal in life. It's personally one I adhere to. I'm trying my best to do this as we speak. As a personal goal, it's right there at the top of the list as a means to be fulfilled and happy.
In my search of "Self Actualization"...there was a biblical reference which made me curious to read. The one that popped up first read like this.
Romans 8:6 says, “Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life.”
In comparison, as means to simply understand someone who speaks in this manner, for me, this is *gibberish. I have to way to connect these two explanations at all in particular: -Attention to God...and "leads us out into the open, into a spacious free life "
While poetically nice sounding words...there's nothing of substance that I can grasp onto. that's why for me, the word gibberish denotes...just flowery pretty words strung together without any true meaning as a means to "live by" as a goal in life.
But then find out, this was a personal interpretation by some guy named Eugene Peterson ( never heard if him ) who seems to have turned a Bible verse into poetic metaphor. I have no problem understanding either poetry or metaphor...but that doesn't help me get to "self actualization" in the least? That's the disconnect I'm referring to. One..does not say.. the other, in my ability to understand and connect the two.
But then, I got a hold of the more commonly used same Bible verse that reads:
"To set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace."
That's certainly closer to it. I understand "mind set" and I can interpret "flesh" reasonbly well ( even still somewhat vague ) and the rest I can get in context. This is not *gibberish to me, but it's still not as well defined a goal to live my life by as the simple dictionary definition which seems quite simple for me to understand.
I mean, as an artist type person, I clearly get poetry and literary metaphor. But I'm NOT going to use poetry as a means to set specific goals. Specific goals, using specific language as a means to tell me what to do, and how to get there? That's why I'm using the word "gibberish " because this first example does not give met the specific language that I need to accomplish my persona goals in life.( not death) It's meaningless, using those terms in other words.
I'm bringing this up because you ( the poster ) mentioned a "Christian attitude". Again, I have no idea what kind of "attitude" that would be? I just included two different explanations of the same Bible verse. One is *gibberish to me ( as a means to define "self actualization " ) and the other, has "elements" or the "flavor" of it,without actually saying what it is.
My entire point in even bringing this up is from my own frustration with this specific disconnect in communication within my own family. I mean, just saying "Christian " by itself, opens up about 200+ different "types" along with dozens of different interpretations and none of them are the same?
For me, I'll just listen and not say a word. In my head however, I haven't a clue what that person is even saying without some specific anchor to use so I can simply understand.
If your husband is anything like me, if you were to use that first example ( the gibberish one ) I wouldn't have a clue what you'd be saying.
My response might be "okay?" But the meaning would be lost in translation.
Kelsey Phendler - Self Actualization
If you haven't already heard about Kelsey Phendler, she's in a timed race, rowing from California to Hawaii in a solo water craft. I've been following her progress but not only following her adventure, I've been taking tips from watching her: her clothing, her meal prep, her gear...everything she's doing and how she's doing it. She basically has almost, the exact same set up, I've got, except mines on land and her's is on a boat.
I'm hearing all the poeple commenting, and saying the same things: be safe, best wishes, we're with you...all in support. What I'm not hearing is her status ie: where she is in her race against the world record ( all women ) not just American. The current record stands at 82 days @ 2,500 nautical miles, unsupported. The men's record is 52 days. If projections stay accurate, Kelsey will hit Hawaii in 62 days. That smashed the previous women's record by 20 days !!!!
This is self actualization in the making. That is: The process of realizing one's potential and functioning at an optimal level.
I can't think of a better example. She's not making it, or surviving it...she's blowing away the fastest time ever recorded in something she's an expert in. If she does this, she'll be in the same category as the Elite men athletes if she hits that mark.
And get this... her background includes.
Competitive swimmer growing up.
Professional whitewater raft guide.
Competed on Team USA in rafting competitions.
Crewed on an Atlantic sailing crossing.
Skippered a four-woman team from California to Hawaii in 2024.
That's what I'm talking about. She's bad ass. And she's a competitive swimmer on top of it ! Lol
Anyway. History is in the making. But for her, she's reaching her full potential and functioning at optimal level. That's why I'm copying her, in as many ways as I can. She's doing what I'm doing, just in a different way. I predict, she's going to go faster than predicted. Just a gut feeling. I'm placing my bet right now.
What Doesn't Kill Us Makes Us Stronger
Something happened last night that I thought might add value to everything that's been said already ( in general ) but in addition to my last post about Kelsey Phendler.
First, what happened. I went on social media, and as I do, I check my friends list to see who's commented. I skip the "news feed" since it's so inundated with noise, ads, "suggested poeple" etc. Top of my list was my sisters daughter in law, wife to my nephew. I noticed something different, so I checked. She had "unfriended" me and is no longer "connected" as part of my circle of friends. It's so ironic, after everything I've said recently that part of my sisters immediately family unfriended me. I can't say it didn't hurt because it did. But not for very long. I realized, there really was no connection in the first place....the "disconnect" that's always been there, is the only thing I lost which is the same as saying, I lost nothing, because I had nothing to begin with.
But it's troubling non the less, because the lifelong pattern of "non acceptance" ( of me ) just continues on, and is now extending outward to my sisters idaughter in law. I think the feeling is actually disheartened in fact, that's exactly what is was. Not rejection, just disheartened. It's just the timing, in light of everything I've said here, which of course, there's no connection. She of course, was acting on her own without any knowledge of what's been said on this forum. And I can't know if anything between my sister and her has ever been verbally stated, but the irony and timing seems a bit uncanny.
But, then, this morning...I opened up my social media again, and the first thing I read that popped up was this: "When your heart is pure, and your intentions are good, you don't lose people, poeple lose you."
Whether you want to attribute this to God or the Universe or what ever you believe in....the exact thing I needed to hear was there waiting for me. That's my answer right there. That changed my entire outlook, from just reading that passage.
I'm also tying this into what I said about Kelsey Phendler being a "bad ass". I'm a bad ass too, which means "tough".
Another irony, in terms of my own father always saying "we need to toughen him up" to my mom. He wasn't talking about this kind of "tough" though. Which in actuality...he was a small weak man, just talking big, because it sounds good. He was neither tough physically or mentally which is the joke in this all.
Tough doesn't mean: bitter, hardened, callous or even cynical. Tough in this way means: strong, you have heart, and a spirit that can endure. That's what I mean, when I say "bad ass" or "you've got what it takes".
And I believe I do. I didn't miss a beat this morning....I got up, started my routine and have already made two stops before getting to my hub and writing this. The last piece of my trailer arrived and us ready to pick up. Once I finish rewiring the taillights ( 90% done ) I'll have completed a total transformation of a garden trailer...into a fully functioning overland trailer ready to hit the road.
And I did this in a total of 4 months and 3 days. Under extrem duress. With no home, no shop, and doing some of it out in the desert with no support what so ever. I'm the most capable person I know to be honest. My father, under those same circumstances would fallen apart on the 2nd day. The guy who said "we need to toughen him up". He gets NO CREDIT for that, I can assure you !! Lol
So reading that passage this morning renewed my spirit. I haven't lost them...they've lost me.
So tough
I dont have a lot to add but wanted to validate your post. Its oh so tough. I could really relate to your stuggle with seeing other dads engage with their kids. That is also me. I really struggle wkth feelings of shame and humiliation when there are family outings in the neighbourhood or just heading outside and being neighbourly.... and it looks like Im a single mom. Its really embarrassing for me. I wish i could figure put why or make it like i didnt care what others may or may not think....but i care very much.
Bc i think underneath it all is this bubbling anger (probably resentment) that you didnt sign up for this. And no matter what other stuff your partner does, it doesnt take the place of the need that is inside of you begging to be nurtured. It is heartbreaking. But it is data. Data you neee to listen to. And hold space for. Which can be really hard bc the anger/resentment might be blinding at times. But it is information for what YOU need. And many times, its not what you think.
Thats all i came.on to say. I see you and understand.
Holding Space
Off the Roller, your comment is thought provoking, and yes, holding space is one big reason I come here. I'm allowed not to be invisible and speak my truth without having it dismissed, told I'm wrong, or simply ignored as irrelevant. I'm trying my best to do that with others ( in the real world ) not this virtual one, as we speak. And I so very much appreciate it as I have no support system of my own.
Your comment also inspired me to come back and share a few things. I can't relate directly to either your's ( or the OP's ) situation involving child rearing as I have none of my own to have that experience.
But you said something that resonated that I do have a few things I can say:
"Its really embarrassing for me. I wish i could figure put why or make it like i didnt care what others may or may not think....but i care very much."
Why? And why do you care "very much" ?
Why would you feel embarrassed that the neighbors see you as "a single mom?" Why would you struggle with feeling humiliated and shame if the neighbors see you and think what? What would they think of you? Being a single mom?
And why would you care what they think? I don't care? I don't think less of you in any way, in fact, I don't think less of any woman being a single mother? It's nothing to be ashamed of ?
In the same way, I don't care what people think of me, or think less of me because.....I have ADHD or likely AuDHD ? Who cares? I certainly don't because it's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. I didn't sign up for that either so I can definitely relate.
A couple things came to mind after reading your comment. This isn' about kids, or personal struggles or ego issues about status or wealth. That's all ego. All of it....and really nothing more.
The first thing I wanted to share with you was a bit a wisdom I just read this morning: " the older you get, the more you realized, peace is priceless."
You've recently heard me say this exact same thing here on this forum not long ago. Peace is priceless.
It goes on to say: "Nature is medicine".
Everything I've written in the past four months have fundamental stated this fact.
"Health is everything."
Didn't I just get done saying how valuable this feeling is? How what I've done by changing my lifestyle has caused my body to fully repair and return to that, of what I remember as a very young person?
It's ends by saying "Happiness is simple".
This is where I'll have to disagree with this bit of general wisdom. Happiness is not simple...it's relative.
And it's relative to many things so it's at best....fleeting. Sometimes I feel happy, occasionally..aI feel a bit of joy...butmost of the time it's variable...and it's definitely not simple! Complex might be a better term, bit accurately said, I'm relatively happy more often than not. Why? Because of those other things in that same wisdom statement. Those are what make me happy!! They are are my wealth right now. And as it started by saying...it's "priceless".
So in other words, virtually nothing I can think of to buy or own could compare to that. Especially "peace" as I stated several months ago. And if someone doesn't like that? If my own family is ashamed or embarrassed to be associated with me ( my sisters daughter on law unfriendly me ) because I don't have status and wealth like they have. I don't care. I have something "more precious far than gold". And I'd say the same to you. What's more important? And why do you care?
The other thing that popped into my head was a song. Interesting to note about the band. The leader or main song writer is on the autism spectrum. One of my all time favorite groups, and him, as a, performer. I actualy went to see them. live many years ago. That show in particular sits in my top 5 shows best show list ever.
I just thought it was interesting, that he speaks to me the way he does. I also wanted to mention, the rest of his band are stellar. I remember distinctly how the drummer and bass player were in the pocket the entire time. And they're husband and wife of all things! The backbone of the band are married. Go figure? Incredible performance none the less.
Anyway, I want to suggest you listen to the words of this song, and think about them deeply when asking yourself, why you care so very much?
Look up: YouTube, Talking Heads, Once in a Lifetime, LIVE Los Angeles , '83.
I saw them live in 1979, but this gives you an idea of what that experience was like. The lyrics are really what's most important but for me, it was like going to Church, which you can only get in a live performance. This was the inspiration part I mentioned.
Worn down/overwhelmed
You feelings are totally understandable.
It sounds like your husband is worn down and overwhelmed. Will he not see a doctor about depression/anxiety? Is there a plan for you and your family to climb out of the financial rut that seems to be (?) the main factor that is taking your husband/your children's father away from you all? How was he when he was working one job?
One thing you can do is let your children know that their father right now is doing the best he can, but you recognize it is not enough. . . the situation is not ideal. Just listen to them and let them express themselves. They will appreciate it.