Forum:
My partner has ADHD and gets severe RSD. He can get angry at very minor things. I understand he suffers from ADHD and RSD but he can be very mean and say very hurtful things. And he shouts at me which is very upsetting.
We have argument’s regularly because he is triggered by something I say or do. He doesn’t treat anyone else this way even though family members say things to him that upset him.
I can say something quite normal in a conversation and suddenly he is shouting and storming out. I always have to apologise and 99% of the time I haven’t done anything wrong. He tells me it’s his ADHD and RSD and even though I have not done anything wrong if I apologise quickly it will all quickly die down. He says I should understand it’s RSD and be empathetic and say sorry.
I have tried this but he continues to verbally hurt me in a barrage of messages. I am constantly walking on egg shells around him. It’s easier to apologise to get back to normal but it’s like he can say or do what he does and because it’s ADHD it’s ok. He would not tolerate this type of behaviour from anyone but it’s ok for him to treat me this way.
I just have to put up with it. It’s becoming harder to deal with. And he takes longer to get back to normal and even though he will say it’s him not me, he will bring things up from previous rows.
He loves me a lot. I know that. And I give him constant support and help. I try my hardest to help him. But these rows are impacting on the way I feel about him now.
Does anyone else experience this kind of behaviour?
Comments
my ex has rsd
I walked on eggshells for years. It’s no way to live. It will ruin your health. I have hypertension and I know he triggered it. It will ruin your mental health - i struggle with the feeling that I am an inherently bad person, simply from experiencing so much blame over so many years. It doesn’t sound like you have kids, or are married, but even if you did I’d say you should get your stuff together, get your finances in order and get out. The fact that it’s focussed solely on you and is so agressive and getting more so, are red flags. If it gets physical is that still to be forgiven because he has RSD? You are not emotionally safe and you may not be physically safe and you matter at least as much as he does. Your feelings are changing because he’s showing you who he is. Believe him and get out. Xx
Yes, exactly this
Any mention of anything my severe ADD ex husband could associate to his failures could set off an RSD episode.
Problems couldn’t be addressed however softly I spoke. No matter which moment I picked or however discreetly I worded it.
They can’t bear to consistently fail a non-ADHD partner’s expectations. It doesn’t matter how modest the claims are. Everything depends on how severe the disability is. Common concepts of fairness or mutuality are meaningless. Needs of the non-ADHD partner don’t matter.
It’s brutal and sad. I don’t think there’s any way for a non to change this.
This is his problem and he's making it your problem
You've gotten some great advice here from others. My ex did this too sometimes, though not to this degree. Instead he'd just move on like nothing had happened while I reeled for days or weeks. Regardless, the accountability MUST be on the ADHD partner to address this symptom. He is trampling all over you and taking no responsibility for his own actions while YOU constantly monitor what you say, subject yourself regularly to a barrage of verbal abuse, apologize when you're not at fault and then anxiously wait for the next round. Why are you being put in a position to be entirely responsible for HIS treatable behaviour??
I would recommend setting a boundary. If it's safe and if you're not ready to throw in the towel on the relationship, I'd recommend something like: 1. Telling him that you're not putting up with that anymore and the next time it happens, you will be leaving with no contact for 3 days. 2. The key is you then have to do it. Go stay with family or at a hotel and turn off your phone. He has to feel the consequences of his actions. 3. When you return, stay strong - reiterate calmly this is HIS problem, not yours. Ignore any blame he tries to hurl your way and simply tell him if it happens again, you will not only leave, but you will not return until he starts therapy for ADHD/RSD. And then hold that line. Not a promise of therapy - he has to start going before you come back and keep going once you return. 4. If you get this far, set another boundary... e.g. if it happens again, you're seeing a lawyer and separating or leaving for good.
In my experience, holding people with ADHD accountable for their own behaviours is a pretty fast way to see how much effort they are willing to put into maintaining a healthy relationship.
And also, RSD may be a legit symptom of ADHD, but even so, what you're describing is abuse plain and simple and there is no disorder than can excuse that. As you've noted too, he can obviously control it and he's choosing not to you with you. That says a lot.
Yes...I have, but, she didn't use RSD as an excuse.
Your post is very sad...I lived that life for 17 years...Recently divorced...What you are describing is a unsafe person who demands to traumatize you, and be excused for it, because he has a (self appointed) life time pass to abuse you...Notice what you wrote here....My ex wife was the same, no one else took these barrages of disrespect and anger...So what does that tell you?
I used boundaries to stop it...But all the boundaries did was force me to not engage her...Not travel with her, or ride w/ her...Pretty much two ships passing in the night...When a self centered spouse (and that's what was really behind it in our case) can't use their partner...They will get anger and pursue others option's...
Take care of yourself...Walking on eggshells hoping to not set him off is no life...
Bless you!
c