Forum topic: Grief work

I have to respond to this because it feels so very familiar...that grief and fear - what if my partner is doing horribly and it will affect my kids?  What if he has a health emergency?  Is he okay?  Should I take care of him?

I used to think of these things regularly after my divorce, and my ex pulled away from his kids (and friends) much more than anyone expected; did not seem to be doing well by many accounts.  I loved him deeply - my heart really did break for him (and my kids) and I felt a lot of grief about not being able to make things better.

And understanding that grief and fear is critical to your recovering from your divorce.

As I look back it is clear that I helped my ex in many areas of his life, without much thinking about it.  This is part of classic over-functioning, and while he benefited from it (more outings with kids; more calls with family members to stay in touch; lots of great organization etc etc) it was also hard for him (we were largely on my agenda; he probably felt he was following in my wake some of the time, etc).  It took me a long time to realize what you are probably working on now:

I cannot change what choices he makes or how he does things.  If he has provided a fog of obscurity around himself that is likely what he prefers.

Let me say that again in a slightly different way because I really want you to take this on board.  You cannot rescue your partner.  You cannot truly verify how he is doing with the kids beyond what others are willing to share (are his standards yours?  You may never know.). If he has a health issue, it (and this may sound harsh) is very possibly not going to be your problem to deal with (other than the kids might end up with you more of the time.)

The longing to step in that you feel, and the grief you express at not being able to be there more or do more, and that how he treats you doesn't feel like love but like rejection...wondering if your kids are okay...It's all really, really hard.  I have experienced it all.

Of course you feel this grief.  Of course you hurt.  Allow yourself to cry some more and understand that you are strong and you will get through this.  Lean on friends.  Be vulnerable here and with others as you can.  Give yourself leeway to not always be at your best.  The best way you can support your kids is to show them your love.

Your kids will also get through it, and you can be a strong advocate for them in a general way, which they will always need.  They will make their own judgments about how they feel they are doing with their Dad (also something you can do nothing about, for better or worse).  If you are concerned about your ex's health, then perhaps you should make sure that your kids (if they are old enough) know what to do in the face of an emergency - who to call and under what circumstances (for example, 911?  Uncle Joe?  you?  and When?). This should also be discussed for the times they are with you, too (you might hurt yourself, who knows?)

If you wish, we do have a grief counselor in our consulting group. She's wonderful, and can help you through some of this pain, even if you work with her intermittently.  I did a couple of years of therapy after my divorce and it helped immensely.

Sending you a virtual hug...

Swedish Coast, I really feel the agony in what you've written. It's an impossible scenario, you could not stay in your marriage, but by being brave enough to get out, it haunts you just the same. It's excruciating.

It reminds me of a meme I saw the other day which read "I accidentally became important at work and it's ruining my life." Except, this is accidentally being (too) good at running a life and family, and ... 

It's unfair. Unfair that he has the disorder, unfair that it's ruined your marriage, healthy and sanity, and broken your trust. Unfair that your children could not witness a healthy, functioning marriage. And unfair that it probably seemed like a good fit in the beginning, but ended up being too much to endure.

I'm sure you're doing a sterling job with your children, and once they're old enough to stand on their own feet, your ties to your ex can start loosening. 

I hope to one day read that you feel you've turned a corner and have your freedom of mind and heart back!

"I know nothing about how he’s currently doing. Initially he implied he was better, but during this year he’s backed out of every annual activity the children enjoy. It seems he isn’t yet fit for a day at an amusement park. He seems to initiate very little. All he says is caring for children 50% is going well."

I'm guessing, this might be one of those places where empathy is difficult because there's a fundamental difference in how things are seen and felt between men and women. There's a big difference between what makes you "happy"....as in, "being in your element "....what you were born to do, the thing that fulfills you the most, etc.

"I know nothing about how he is currently doing...."

When my last relationship ended, I wasn't doing well at all. I had a lot of grieving to do, and I was severely depressed. I withdrew from everything and cut off contact with all my friends and anyone. I didn't want to see anyone because, I was simply no fun to be around. That, and I just had nothing to give. I was debilitated and could barely function.   I had to heal enough, just to get things going but it took a long time for that to happen. When I was younger and this happened, I had other alternatives "to make me happy".

This is where the difference comes I believe. And I've even tried more recently to explain this to my SO, and she doesn't seem to understand?  I think, what I'm talking about is the reason why.

She'll say, make some friends...go see people....etc.   Moving here from out of state...I don't have an activity partner.

Re-read that last part. "Activity".

I don't have children, but as guy, raising children is a responsibility, hard work, and a duty. From a "provider" role or archetype.... protector, bread winner...etc. A duty is not fun. It's a job. It's work. A man's gotta do, what a man's gotta do. ( whether he likes ie: enjoys it....or not. ) Foe me, that's not what would make me happy. Work is "rewarding" in that sense. But is it fun, in my element, life purpose fulfilling....the thing, that I was meant to do....in that respect? Is it the thing that would make me happiest? My first pick of all things that bring me the most joy and fulfillment? For me, the answer is no...but I don't have kids.

But not having kids...allows me to see past that, to the "things" that bring me the most joy and happiness. I know exactly what those are....and their all "activity based".

In other words, friends ie: social support and social interaction are not the primary reason for friendship. The activity that you love, that's shared in common, with other people ( friends ) is what brings you together.   

For example. You will never find me sitting in a Starbucks with friends chatting. Never.

What's the activity? Sitting in a chair.

You will find me chatting and socialize on a ski chair lift, or stopping to pull over and chat after a long motorcycle ride.

What's the activities? Skiing and Motorcycle riding. It's a parallel activity based on my love of these two things. Also, being on the open rode, riding fast, being in the mountains outdoors...are also "Loves" and make me very happy.

You know what wouldn't make me happy? Sitting inside a corporate Starbucks with artificial lighting and paying way too much for a foo foo drink that I really don't even care for that much. That would actually bum me out and make me really depressed. It wouldn't be fun, I wouldn't enjoy it because I'm sitting in a chair drinking over priced coffee. 

For me, I've always made friends and relationship while doing the things I love with others of the same mind who also share that same love. This makes me happy and fufulfilled.

And the reason why I withdrew and didn't want to meet friends is because, I couldn't be a good friend. I didn't want to go do the activities that our friendship was based on and I couldn't reciprocat in kind.

I'm currently planning on doing  ( possibly) both things now: skiing, and maybe...buying a new motorcycle. These things make me happiest and I'm doing neither. The problem with tye motorcycle is...I like to ride too fast and I'm afraid I'll kill myself.

But....I'd rather ride slower than not at all....so that's the only reason I quit...not because I don't love it anymore. I love it, just about more than anything other activity so I'm mulling this over again...trying to decide if I should?

Anyway....the activity....is hugely important for me...in whether it makes me happy, and is the "thing" that is most fulfilling.

Caring for kids?? That sounds like a duty. A responsibility and work? From a man's perspective....I'm wondering if you asked a guy: "is caring for kids, the thing that brings you the most joy, what you were born to do, and makes you the happiest and fullfilled of all possible activities? Priority one?

I wonder what other guys would say? But this is how I see it.

And it's these very things ( including swimming ) that always got me put of my funk. It's almost a need....instead of a want....it's that important.