A first indication that my ex husband is sorry everything has ended badly with me and takes some responsibility for it. He allegedly has said he "hasn't found a way to change things for the better, yet".
To me, this is incredible. Imagine having had passing thoughts for A YEAR that you want to tidy up the trainwreck you left behind when you moved out after a two decade marriage and several children, but not lift a finger to actually do anything. Yet.
It's in line with the other devastating ADD procrastination/neglect behavior I've lived with, so why should I be surprised? But I'd almost prefer he'd hated my guts and wanted to destroy me, and then had basically forgotten about me (though we co parent via texts). That's pretty much how it feels from here. It would be easier to live with. I can't bear that he cares.
I feel so lost in life right now. I'm not well. I don't know how to turn things around.
frustration
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Hey Swedish, I logged on just to come on here and say how frustrating (moreso than just the normal frustration!) that must be to hear that. It is devastating and I can understand it so well bc I have been a recipient of that devastation too.
I also wondering what you meant by turning things around? For yourself, I hope? I don't have a magic wand of course (or I'd defintely wave it your way for sure) but I'm in intensive therapy right now and my realisation is that while I thought it was triage for my marriage... (But like, side note, you can't work on a marriage in individual therapy)... but in reality, the need for self-care triage is for MYSELF. And it's a continual thing. It feels like this is something I want to remind you of as well. You have only been divorced for a year, right? You are still in triage for yourself and you can't be discharged now, you've got to heal for yourself. Truly. And it will be a long process with bumps on the road and crests and all that... but you deserve it.
What's something that fills your cup? Doesn't matter if you can't do it right now, just tell me/us what is something that really fills your cup? Perhaps some of us can give some suggestions for something for you to take a tiny step to help yourself turn things around for yourself. We both know these steps are the hardest be4cause we've conditioned ourselves to gaslight ourselves, dismiss our needs, put others in front, etc.
We are here for you - I can't wait for you to share what you like doing!!! I want to make some suggestions that you can either laugh at, do or wave away in disgust :)
Thank you dear OT Roller
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Yes you're right, it's turning things around for myself I referred to. Him I've given up on.
I think now I'm just in a grieving phase for the hopes and ambitions and also good times of the marriage. In my country the winter is very dark, and now's the darkest. I've been ill for five weeks and have caught a new cold today. So most things that regularly thrill me are out of reach at the moment. But there's lots: nature, long walks, hiking, swimming, gardening, painting, yoga, seeing friends, playing the piano. My work, too. I'm blessed with all these things.
What would you suggest?
We've mentioned this before
Submitted by AG on
I know someone mentioned Mel Robbins podcast before and swedish coast she is doing some work / talks on relationships and break ups. These were good to listen to, but also things you necessarily don't want to listen to. Swedish- I pick up on your hurt. And I can understand how you feel when you say it's harder that he still shows signs of caring and it would be better if he just "forgot" about you.
Mel talks about processing your grief from the end of your relationship as it was ...and then unlearning old patterns and learning new ones for a new beginning, new life without them. Whether or not kids are involved.
Just making a suggestion from reading your posts. I think her podcasts have some helpful insight.
I wish you well
Heartbreak podcast
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you AG, I just listened to the Mel Robbin's 'To anyone going through a breakup' podcast.
It says many things about letting your old partner disappear, and not reaching out, which makes perfect sense to me. It also says 71% of people feel better in 3 months. I've been in the other 29% though.
The most enlightening point was that you're not free until you can let go of the fantasy of getting back together. I realize I must have this fantasy still. I saw him briefly the other day (for the first time in six months, and we never speak). It was thoroughly annoying. Still so powerful. Two decades with the man and we've been tightly intertwined. I'm also unwell, it's dark, and I haven't been interested in anyone else since I met him. I can't see any possibility of having another partner, and though normally I shrug off the idea of a partner, after all these weeks of being unwell, I feel I simply won't manage without someone having my back.
I think when I saw him the other day (and he looked raw, and perhaps he'd cried in the restroom), and when I wake up some days with the thought: no this can't be right, we love each other, there must be some way I can fix this!, I haven't let go. When I'm shaken that he does care, I haven't let go. I'm still in hopes he'll come to his senses, or senses I can comprehend anyway, and erase all the awful experiences I've had the last fifteen years or so because of his ADD.
This is me. I've always been like this. I love people, and it doesn't make sense to let go of them, ever. Even when I break up with them for good reasons. It's a highly inconvenient personality trait.
The mel podcast on relationships
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
There's another one just before that one about long term relationships and it was very good.
Couldn’t find it
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Couldn't find that one?
Mel Robbins episode 239 - 5 Signs of an Incompatible Relationshi
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
https://www.melrobbins.com/podcasts/episode-239
Just disclosure, I haven't finished it. It's a hard listen.
Brilliant but also…
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you. Now I've listened to it.
The ABC way of dealing with conflict in a relationship (Apologize and ask open-ended questions, Back off from criticizing and let your partner be who they are, Compliment and model desired change in your loved one) is probably very helpful. Along with daring to face incompatibility and break up instead of wasting time in incompatibility.
What the podcast doesn't cover is decreasing executive functioning in your partner. If you had a beautiful relationship to start with, like me, but your partner then changed dramatically with increased pressure of professional life and parenthood, it's not easy to accept them for who they've become. They now make you feel unsafe and unhappy in an incomprehensible world. Other people shy away from your unhappiness. You function worse too as a result, in every area of life.
How would I have been able not to voice this? Accept it? Apologize? Not ask for change in order to not be pushy? And celebrate occasional tiny signs of the noose loosening around my neck?
I think my situation wasn't possible to solve with general relationship advice, however neat Mel Robbins' is. I think we would have needed a psychiatrist in 2009 already. But nobody, including myself, had any idea of how affected he was.
When we finally met the key caregiver many years later, our marriage was beyond repair. This excellent couples therapist, a psychologist, after one session had understood it all. She pointed to evaluation for ADD. She didn't tell me to apologize, accept or celebrate anything. She told me to take care of my own needs as much as possible.
I remember she said: you both have lasted very long. The way she said it sounded like acknowledging a great love, and also great pain. I'm grateful I met her, and at least now know what it was that ruined so much.
Thank you all for being here for me.
Man that really sums it up
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
I'm so grateful for you and your way to communicate something in my heart that I don't have thr tools to communicate.
Swedish Coast....
Submitted by c ur self on
I kind of felt like this is where you were...I'm an HSP, who loves deeply...I feel you!...I'm going to be praying for you to feel better, so sorry you aren't well...Attachment is hard to break...Even when it's been or felt one sided, dysfunctional or unhealthy...
(((hugs))) c....
C
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Yes, your texts resonate with me too since that deep and honest love is so relatable.
Hoping for reconciliation is something I've done unawares. I'm surprised at it, I decided a year ago that nobody who treats me like this will ever enter my home again, let alone be forgiven and taken back.
Dear C, is she moving out yet?
No, she is still here...But there is hope now.....
Submitted by c ur self on
She refused to even acknowledge the divorce papers for a month or so....(She lives in a mind that want touch what she can't control)...Last week I asked her again, she mumbled something and walked away again...I knew in my heart it was about money!....So I offered her 20,K, to sign it...She demanded 30,K...So I said No, and walk away telling her the 20K offer was only good for a week...So after thinking it over I realized that I wanted her to have every opportunity (only good things) in life...(I can't play her games)...So I told her yes to the 30K, and took a check to my attorney, and added a clause that she must be completely out by Jan.31st.....She balked at that and asked me to extend it to Feb. 28th...So I did....So she signed the papers, and got her check this past Tuesday...The divorce was filed w/ the courts that afternoon...
So yesterday evening she comes home and asked if she could have some spaghetti that I had made...I said of course, as usual...So this time, for the first time in I can't remember when, she brings her food into the den and sets across from me...After a few minutes of talking she got quiet and it was obvious she had come to terms w/ our pending divorce...So she started backup again with her wish list of things she would like for me to help with in her moving process...I agreed to do a few things she cannot do....After she ate she started packing up old dishes from her parents hutch...
This divorce is the only thing left that I can do for her from an eternal perspective....This is her opportunity to c her self!....To face who she is....and who she has demanded to be, at the expense of her husband, her wedding vow's and others...If shouldering the responsibilities of life alone, doesn't humble her, and open her eye's to her self centered demands in this life, there is nothing more I can do for her on a personal level...(I will always pray for her)....
As for me? God alone knows his plan's for my life here....But, I am joyful in hope!!
c
She will see
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I believe she will see what you've done for her when she no longer has you. Like my ex husband, she might not have a full understanding just of how much you do, and that the comforts she's been used to have little to do with who she is.
It would be easier to deal with someone who took advantage of one out of greed with an understanding. But the mind that has so poor self perception it doesn't know what its doing, cannot really be handled in any meaningful way except as you and I have - indulged, then sent off as kindly as possible.
Then we need to heal.